Unofficial Trilogy… 80’s Movies That Will (Hopefully) Never Get Remade Edition

There was a time when it took some serious chops for a movie to get made.  Studios held all the cards, so they chose on what to gamble.  Here are some cringe-worthy gambles from the 80’s that I’d be shocked to see get remade these days:

These came out of Hollywood when P.C. just meant Pacific Coast…

For those of you unaware of the premise: a rich white guy rents an adult black man to be his son’s friend for a week.  I loved it as a kid, but in hind sight, how did it ever get made?  Who ever tricked Richard Pryor, Jackie Gleason, and director Richard Donner to get involved should get some kind of metal.  But then again, it was the 80’s.  Cocaine was probably somehow involved.

White Actor! C. Thomas Howell plays a student that takes tanning pills to get dark enough skin to appear black.  Your first instinct might be to ask “Huh?” but here’s the answer to why: so he can get a scholarship to Harvard specifically intended for African-American students.  Now you can ask the “Huh?”

This is the tamest of the three, but it’s seemingly the least credible.  How could Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy lug such a flexible deceased Bernie around all weekend without rigor mortis setting in?

JusWondering… Maybe Lens Flares Aren’t A J.J. Abrams Thing?

J.J. Abrams, scriber of Regarding Henry and creative genius behind television’s Facetious Felicity, found himself in the precarious position of relaunching the Star Trek film franchise.

In the process of doing so, he got a little carried away with lens flares.  That’s when light spreads from its source… here’s a collection of shots from the film:

The future’s so bright, I gotta wear BluBlockers.

So yeah, I thought it was a J.J. Abrams thing, but it might be Actor! Chris Pine’s thing:

Here he is in Star Trek

…and here he is on the DVD cover for This Means War.

Any questions?

A Handful Of… Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies

SIDEDISCLAIMER: This is a dumb idea I’ve had for a while now.  Deal with it. Below you will find A Handful Of Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies.  Why am I doing this, you might ask?  My answer: education.

  • Black Dog / White Dog

One wags, while the other swayze.

Black Dog is an action picture about an ex-con being tricked into smuggling illegal arms. White Dog is a movie starring Kristy McNichol around her ABC School Specialdays, and oh yeah – it’s about a racist dog.

  • Think Like a Man / What Women Want

The themes of the films form some kind of mental Mobius strip. Better yet – Ouroboros… the snake that eats its own tail.

Despite nobody having a clue about either sex (sorry Steve Harvey – not all men operate on such basic levels, and sorry to all involved with What Women Want – women never know what they want), these films might as well be science fiction instead of comedies.

SIDENOTE: Speaking of comedies, want a good laugh?  Cameron Diaz is making a sequel called What Men Want.

  • Act I: Food.
  • Act II: Sex.
  • Act III: Sleep.

Finis.

  • Battleship / Clue: The Movie

I miss the days B4 B9 shit like this was made.

Sure, both are based on board games, but whereas Clue: The Movie was clever, Battleship is sunk by getting handed scrap footage from Transformers 3.

  • Chernobyl Diaries / Princess Diaries

And somewhere in the middle sits The Nanny Diaries.

This one’s just dumb.  Moving on…

Prequels, anyone?

Bill Cosby, you weren’t fooling anyone.  Nor making them laugh.  Not even getting a smile, really…

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? The Year Of The Arrow (Plus Bonus COC’s!)

I figured know I’m not the first to notice this, but are you noticing a trend?

Keep your sights on the bulls-eye…

First, Katniss has her way with the bow and arrow in The Hunger Games, then Hawkeye shows up as a master archer in The Avengers, and finally Princess Merida goes all Robin Hood in Brave.  Kinda weird, right?  Like Hollywood’s prepping us for Armageddon by developing a fondness for rudimentary varieties of arsenal.

But like I said, I unfortunately was late to the (hunger) game catching that one, so howzabout this Coinkydink or Coinkydonk… the flying vessels the Chitauri use in The Avengers are similar to the flying disks in Masters of the Universe movie:

Sorta…?

What about the Chitauri Leviathan, then?  It looked comparable to those Decepticon ships in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, right?

Yeah, this one’s a bit better… let’s go for one more COC!

Remember how it looked for Tony Stark inside the Iron Man suit?

Don’t look so surprised, Mr. Jr.

Do you think they got their idea’s from 1997’s Star Kid?

Spot on, I’d say.

Musical Musings… My Favorite Lonely At The Bar Songs (Not That I Ever Go To The Bar Alone)

I was really trying to buy more time to think of more songs like these, but I needed to share what I have now.  I’ll add more later one day, but these are the songs that make me feel like:

  1. I’m sitting alone at a bar
  2. on a rainy day
  3. feeling introspective
  4. not in a self-loathing type of way
  5. but in a how did I get here and where do I go next type of way
  6. and there’s a band playing one of these songs
  7. regardless of the song’s content
  8. and nobody’s really listening
  9. except me
  • Bob Seger’s Mainstreet
  • The Jeff Healey Band’s Angel Eyes
  • Billy Vera and the Beater’s At This Moment
  • Dan Fogelberg’s Same Old Lang’s Syne

That’s enough of me being cheesy today.  You’re probably thinking:

Thank Gouda

Happy Finds… Doubly Overstimulated Edition

I hate to be crude, but I’m having difficulyt typnig write know…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(IF IT DOESN’T WORK CLICK HERE —> Happy Easter From Kate Upton Video, posted with vodpod

hears another… perha[s on3 someladies may enjoy a bit two…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(IF IT DOESN’T WORK CLICK HERE —> The Sun – Romantic Death (Official Music Video)…, posted with vodpod

Awful Battle… Dead Dogs + Kid Films = Bad Idea

Once upon a time (not ABC-Disney’s eponymous show), Tim Burton and Don Bluth were a part of the Disney family.  Coincidentally (Coinkidinkily), one of the last projects they shared parts of was The Black Cauldron (Burton designed the The Horned King Bluth animated a few uncredited scenes).

Anygurgiwantsmunchiesandcrunchies, they share one other similarity: a fascination with dead dogs (not really).

SIDENOTE: A Coinkydonk , too?  Why is this an Awful Battle?  Read on.

In 1984, the last thing Burton made for Disney was a short film called Frankenweenie.  This lead to him getting fired.

As for Bluth, All Dogs Go to Heaven ended his short streak of hits.  Even though it developed spin-offs, it was mostly a flop following the highly successful An American Tail and The Land Before Time films.   (RIP Judith Barsi)

Now that Disney and Burton made money peace over the stop-action Nightmare Before Christmas and live-action Alice in Wonderland films, he’s flipping the script on his newest film:

Why does it seem even creepier animated than the original which was live-action?!

Wasn’t this sticker enough?!?!

Perhaps the alternate isn’t much better:

(Get it?  Dylan Dog?  Dead of Night?)