Month: June 2012

Awesome Battle… Supporting Will Ferrell Vs. Lead Will Ferrell

Posted on by sgottahurt

With The Campaign on its way to a theater near you, I thought it was a good time to evaluate Will Ferrell’s hits and misses via his earlier supporting roles compared to his starring roles.  It’s an Awesome Battle for the ages!

  • WILL FERRELL’S SUPPORTING ROLES
austin power mustafa ladies man lance delune superstar jesus jay silent bob marshal willenholly zoolander jacobim mugatu old school frank ricard

Such diversity… he’s like the Modern Lon Chaney, Jr… or Mod Chaney… or Lon Chaney, Jr. Jr.

Though in these parts he may have played second hat (which seemed to require weird hair… or a hat), no one can deny that Ferrell didn’t chew up his scenes, starting with Mustafa in the Austin Powers.  When he wanted to oil up and wrestle in the otherwise horrible The Ladies Man, he brought moments of tolerableness.  He not only took on Jesus in Superstar, but also Jay and Silent Bob as they struck back.  His Mugatu must have been on crazy pills because he was the only one that could see the fool that Zoolander was.  And who could forget his reintroduction streaking through the courtyard (or his ass) in Old School?

  • WILL FERRELL’S LEADING ROLES
elf buddy anchorman ron burgundy talladega nights ricky bobby stranger than fiction harold crick step brothers brennan huff other guys allen gamble

All of them are capable of moments of “assholeness“… even Buddy in Elf

He can play it straight (Stranger Than Fiction), he can play it dry (Anchorman), or he can play it over the top (Elf)… but we still have to admit it: he plays it better when he has someone else to play off of (Talladega Nights, Step Brothers, The Other Guys).  That might be why I have to give the Awesome Battle to his supporting roles.  Or do I?

  • *THE WINNER* WILL FERRELL’S CAMEOS
wedding crashers chazz reinhold starsky hutch big earl goods mcdermott tim eric billion dollar movie damien weebs

You know every one of these characters if you’ve seen these films. If you don’t – you just haven’t seen them.

SIDENOTE: Sorry, but I have not seen Megamind, Everything Must Go, or Casa de mi Padre.  Or any of his older more criticized flicks like Semi-Pro, Land of the Lost, Bewitched, Kicking and Screaming, or A Night at the Roxbury.  I did see Blades of Glory; I regret that.  I have no excuses for The Producers, Winter Passing, or Melinda and Melinda, or any of the smaller films.  But that’s why none of them are included – I didn’t see them or they sucked so I didn’t see them or they sucked
.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Didn’t Know That Song Was About Strippers!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a post that I might have written back in 2006 is I had a blog.  Man, I’d be worth thousands if I had a blog back then…

I haven’t heard this song in quite a long time, and I knew so little about it, I always thought it was by Chicago.  I also considered it a love song about a special “one-in-a-million” girl since I heard it originally back in 1983.

The song in question – The Tubes’ She’s a Beauty:

But just like how my reality was shattered in high school when I realized two things that took me way too long to figure out:

  1. There’s no way gum can stick to your ribs if you swallow it!
  2. When Mommy was caught kissing Santa Claus, that was Daddy dressed as Santa Claus!

I just realized this song is about strippers!  Or at least a girl in a peep show.  Two key lyrics I didn’t catch until now:

She’s right here behind the glass/
And you’re gonna like her ’cause she’s got class.

She’ll give you every penny’s worth/
But it will cost you a dollar first.

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT THE VIDEO

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Kitchen Sink

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is one of those dreams that I shouldn’t share because, quite frankly, it made no sense.  So here we go!  (With pictures! (And videos!))

I was a writer on Saturday Night Live.

And I was proud about a skit I wrote in which adults were trying to pass each other holding on the top pole of a swing set.

But then they ended up having Krazy Glue hard hats on and stayed in place.

I ran into President Obama at a shopping mall and told him the skit’s premise. He did not find it funny.

Oh yeah… did I mention it was Lingerie Day? All over the mall, women were only wearing lingerie.

And how could I forget to tell you it was coincidentally also Free Ice Cream Day?

But to get free ice cream, you needed a ticket from a sponsor. Every sponsor I checked in with ran out.

I decided I was going to eat ice cream anyway since there was so much leftover. As I moved in, a friend that was working gave me permission to pig out.

That’s when I shared my theory on food portions:

When free food is provided, you should take a fair portion first.  Once everyone has gone through the line, you can take a second helping of a higher portion.  This does not apply to pizza.  More pizza can only be taken in the third round.

That’s about when I overheard a man tell his wife: “You told me not to think!”

My punchline: “She had to tell you not to do that?”

I’d like to think if he was still there, this was his response.

Then I awakened to this song playing on the radio:

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… Songs About The Number One

Posted on by sgottahurt

ALTERNATE TITLE: Just #2-y To The #2

Where do I began to express my love of the number one?

  1. It’s always first.
  2. It’s the least of anything you can have.
  3. It’s the exact amount of people I care about in this world.
  4. I am always looking out for it.

With that having been said, here’s how I rank various musicians takes on the number that goes best with the letter A:

  • JUST SHITTY – METALLICA’S ONE

Metallica sucks except for one song, and mostly because of Lars Ulrich’s battle against Napster.

  • BIG POO – FAT JOE’S ONE, FEATURING AKON

Fat Joe’s normally tolerable, but by involving scumbag Akon, this song drops like a deuce.

I should like more songs by U2, but there’s an air of pretension in their music.  Or is that just gas?

  • ROYAL TURD – ELTON JOHN’S THE ONE

This was released during Sir Elton John’s renaissance years (the 90’s), and since he’s a respected musician (except for those stupid Pepsi commercials with that chick who won X-Factor that no one knows), you knew he’d doo-doo well.

  • DISCO CACA – BEE GEE’S ONE

Another renaissance song from renowned musicians.  I’m doing my best to not use diarrhea in some pun.

  • #2 – NELLY’S #1

Nelly’s had a fair share of shits, but they’ve been hits and misses when it comes to me.  This one hits.

  • TIM AND ERIC’S I SIT DOWN WHEN I PEE

*bows*
(exits stage left)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Those Are Some Good Questions About “Prometheus” (SPOILERS)

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you haven’t seen Ridley Scott’s Prometheus and you’re planning to, don’t watch this video.

If you’ve already seen it, and didn’t even ask yourself a few of these questions, heaven (which apparently is full of Space Jockeys) help you.

I applaud sci-fi films that take a less-is-more stance.  My biggest problem with this film was all the on-the-nose dialogue.  But I have to admit, it sure was pretty… unlike the above reviewers.

Drunken Recollection… I Couldn’t Wait For Urban Dictionary’s Approval

Posted on by sgottahurt

Where’s the Urban Thesaurus?

As I mentioned in my last post, over some drunken conversation, the subject of dirty slang terms and phrases came up arose happened.  And mind you – women were present and one provided this first term that was not on Urban Dictionary.  I was happy to submit it, but I’m still awaiting their final approval.  You can check for it maybe one day soon, but allow me to present:

  • THUMBERCATS

Thumbercats Ho, indeed.

This second one is an idea I’ve kicked around for a while, so may it one day find infamy on the UD:

  • REDICKULESS

I’m ashamed to admit I created this definition.

InASense, Lost… You Learn Some Dirty New Slang Everday

Posted on by sgottahurt

Nothing beats beers after being beaten at soccer (alliteration!)…  except (thinking you’re) making up new dirty words.

This was going to be a Drunken Recollection of phrases that were thrown around, but most already existed on Urban Dictionary, and two did not.  The ones presented here made me feel InASense, Lost… the other’s should appear in a Drunken Recollection quite soon.

As it is with “pizza” and “cheeseburgers,” it’s hard to find a bad one…

Can’t say the same about this…

Who thinks of this stuff? Oh yeah… drunk people at bars.

U.S.A! U.S.A!

The Silver Lining… Sometimes Watching Commercials Can Bring Surprises

Posted on by sgottahurt

The other day, I was a little lax on my DVR commercial skipping, and this commercial came on:

What the fuck is this movie?!  Branded!  It’s not even on Wikipedia (all hail Wikipedia).  It’s barely on IMDb…

It looks like it could be a kick-ass movie; it also looks like it could dumb as hell.

But either way, I’d know nothing about it if – *gulp* – I didn’t watch the commercials.

(P.S. I guess it’s a Russian film.  Could be Night Watch; could be The Darkest Hour.)

Unofficial Trilogy… Wacky Films Of The 80’s Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

The definition of a wacky film (according to me):

A movie that takes place in the real world, except it’s wacky.

These three fit that bill and ted:

We need more adjectives!

I’ve already brought this movie up quite recently, but I can’t get it out of my head (much like the Red Lectroid in Dr. Lizardo’s head!)… To break it down, Buckeroo Banzai is “a modern-day renaissance man, top neurosurgeon, particle physicist, race car driver, rock star and comic book hero” that starts a dimensional war when he successfully passes through a mountain.  I really can’t tell you more than that.  Well, I can also tell you that the ending credits scene is fantastic.  But that’s truly enough!

Just as with Buckeroo Banzai above, this experiment in genre mixing was a flop.  Director John Carpenter always wanted to film a martial arts flick, and this story about a trucker entering the mystical Chinatown underworld to rescue a kidnapped girl was it.  Is it fantastic?  Debatable.  Is it wacky?  A little China bit.

This might not seem to wacky at first glance, since it’s mostly a time-travel comedy.  But when you get down to the nuts and bolts of it, protagonists Bill and Ted are supposed to write a song that will save the world, only if (!) they can pass their history class.  Enter time machine phone booth (calling Dr. Who) and the rest is, as they say, history.

A third film is supposedly in the works in which Bill and Ted must deal with the fact that even after the last twenty years, they still haven’t written that song!