They're creepy and the cooky, but you legally can't say that.
I wonder if I’m the only person that used that title. Doubt it.
That’s because TV writer-producer Bryan Fuller created Pushing Daisies and Dead Like Me, and now he’s set to relaunch The Munsters. He’s turning it into a darker, hour-long series, as opposed to a cheesy sitcom. I’d like to stay the happy medium of his other shows. I feel like I’m writing this like I’m still in middle school. I wonder if that’s subconsciously because The Munsters reboot reminds me of watching reruns of the original when I’d come home from school in the fifth grade. It also reminds me of the time I learned the concept of the subconscious and I was still having trouble with run-on sentences and paragraph structuring.
Everything's eventual... don't be in such a "flucrush."
This has to be one of the strangest bar arguments I ever got into.
It was at trivia, which is a rarer thing these days, and a question came up:
At what latitude is the north pole?
And at first I thought zero, but then we remembered the equator is zero. So our (my) next “logical” jump was to say 180. We paused on 90, but stuck with 180, and answered incorrectly. We weren’t mad about that. But it jump-started one of the loudest vocal challenges. Degrees, and spheres, and pi (yes the pi without the e), and Tropic of Cancer, and Prime Meridian, and pumpkins were involved and shouted. (The pumpkin still at the bar provided a nice example of the way longitude is measured.) No one jumped in; no one told us to quiet down; everyone looked.
I was going to explain the resolution of our semantics, but then I realized that’s even worse than what’s above.
So I’ll mention the invention of a new word – flucrush – and that it’s pronounced FLUH-KRUSH, not FLOO-KRUSH. It has no meaning, but you’ll know when to use it.
I know you’ve seen these, but I implore you to watch them again.
Fun times in not-so-(Nazi?)-fun times
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Raiders of the Lost Ark might be critically regarded as the best of the Indy films, but I was fourteen when Indy went on his supposedly Last Crusade and it’s my favorite. I’m not a huge movie quote-spouter regularly, but with this film (and Ghostbusters), I can whip out (ha!) more than a few. And don’t forget Sean Connery! Plus Hitler signing the Grail Diary! This film belongs in a museum.
One of my all-time favorite episodes of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was when there was a bad guy so bad that He-Man and Skeletor teamed up to save Eternia. Aside from the happy heroics and the happier soundtrack, this film does the same – the Rocketeer teams up with mobsters to fight Nazis! America, fuck yeah!
This film seemed to be the most fun Brad Pitt had since Snatch (take that whatever way you want). We get not only exposed to one of the greatest film villains of all-time in Chistoph Waltz’s Colonel Hans Landa, we are treated to an early glimpse of the greatness that is Michael Fassbender/Magneto. Bonus: Mike Myers isn’t playing Shrek! We also get one more guest appearance from Hitler himself, but the Inglourious Basterds accomplish what Indy couldn’t, so once again… America, fuck yeah!
Remember Yakov Smirnoff? What about Gallagher? Carrot Top?
I am none of the above.
Anywhoarethey, they’re style of comedy is so outdated it’s almost funny in a non-funny way… like a Laffy Taffy riddle… or a terrible Knock-Knock joke. (I guess ironic is the word I’m looking for.)
So I feel the same about this old knee-slapper:
Black people are like ____, and white people are like ____.
For example, take a listen to Tracy Morgan (above) as Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock by clicking here for an example.
So why this post, why now? I’ve come up with a version of this joke. Here we go…
Black people are all like UMBRELLA -ELLA -ELLA:
…and white people are all like PARA- PARA- PARADISE:
Musicians can be dirty people. Everybody knows that. (There’s an infamous story about how Kenny G once double-dipped his chip at a party… that’s where Seinfeld got the idea from.)
But did you know that they’re band names can be just as dirty? (You don’t want to know what Yo-Yo Ma really means.)
Here are some visual “representations” of what certain band names (you’ve heard of) mean:
One-Eyed Willy from The Goonies is a likely euphemism for PENIS... never thought about it before, didja? Oh, you did? Pardon me.
(SIDENOTE: I highly regret starting this post.)
This couch has a (insert euphemism for VAGINA).
What else can I say?
This is one of the scariest things I've ever posted. Yet...
Goo Goo Dolls
Connect the dots...
Connect the dots further...
Rob Dyrdek doesn’t seem like a bad guy. He even seems to have plenty of unique ideas, as evidenced by his MTV show, Fantasy Factory. But lately, I’m not so sure…
First, there was…
Wild Grinders and Super Mario
I know that Mario Mario (real name) doesn’t hold the patent on red and blue ensembles, but come on. Dyrdek’s Nickelodeon cartoon based on his Wild Grinders toy line looks a lot like he who dons raccoon apparel to fly.
And then there was (or this might have been first)…
It's Ridiculousness how much Ridiculousness is like Tosh.0...
Let’s just remember, aside from skateboarding, Dyrdek got all his cash money from Rob & Big.
So is that a Coinkydink or Coinkydonk?
I’m not an adventurous sort when it involves my taste buds… which is a terrible way to put I don’t like a lot of different foods. So this post won’t include anything “shocking” unless you consider #4 unsettling.
Here it is! The short list you’ve been dying for! A Handful Of Foods I Will Never Try!
1) BANANA SPLIT
The sexual innuendos are innumerable.
What’s wrong with a banana split? Sure, I enjoy (most) flavors of ice cream and whip cream, and though I’m no fan of cherries, they can easily be removed. What’s wrong with a banana split? The banana!
I tried to find the most appetizing presentation to be fair. This won. And lost.
I’m no fan of seafood (nor mollusks), but I have tried:
- shrimp (gross)
- lobster (gross)
- escargot (not bad, but once was enough)
- sushi (not bad – could try again)
I draw the line at octopi. You could say it’s a Red Wings thing.
3) JELLIED PIG’S FEET
Only thing worse: Jello'd Pig's Feet
This shouldn’t be on this list because it’s obvious, and could be tied into #4, but it’s made the list because IT’S BEEN OFFERED TO ME. IN PERSON. AT A FRIEND’S HOME. (When we were kids, but still…)
4) ANYTHING FROM REALITY SHOWS
See also: Survivor Chow
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or Joe Rogan) to deduce that I would not try anything people eat out of necessity in desolate countries and trick foreigners into eating by dubbing it a local delicacy.
(SIDENOTE: Welcome back, Fear Factor! And Joe Rogan!)
The modern Halley's Comet.
Food items this has that I don’t like:
- Barbecue sauce – check
- Onion slices – check
- Pickles slices – check
- Rubbery, pressed meat product – check