Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… Now That’s A Housewives Show!

I do not/will not watch any of the Real Housewives’ shows.  It’s not just because I don’t know where Bravo is on my cable (isn’t in syndication now anyway?), and it’s not because I’m some loyal fan of the show it was “inspired” by, ABC’s Desperate Housewives.  It’s merely because it’s not my cup of T & A, where the T is for terrible and the A is for annoying.

But my brother presented an idea which isn’t far from the reality of what these “Real” scenarios are:

The UnReal Housewives of _________

Allow me to fill in some of the casting blanks:

The UnReal Housewives of Detroit

Starring:

  • Jackée Harry as Lisa Landry on Sister, Sister
  • Katey Sagal as Cate Hennessy on 8 Simple Rules
  • Patricia Richardson as Jill Taylor on Home Improvement
  • Tisha Campbell as  Gina Waters-Payne on Martin

The UnReal Housewives of Chicago

Starring:

  • Courtney Thorne-Smith as Cheryl on According to Jim
  • Suzanne Pleshette as Emily Hartley on The Bob Newhart Show
  • JoMarie Payton as Harriet Winslow on Family Matters
  • Katey Sagal as Peg Bundy on Married… with Children
  • Roseanne as Roseanne Conner on Roseanne
  • Susan Clark as Katherine “Ma’am” Papadapolis on Webster

The UnReal Housewives of New York

Starring:

  • Jean Stapleton as Edith Bunker on All in the Family
  • Phylicia Rashad as Clair Huxtable on The Cosby Show
  • Tichina Arnold as Rochelle on Everybody Hates Chris
  • Doris Roberts as Marie Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond
  • Megyn Price as Claudia Finnerty on Grounded for Life
  • Alyson Hannigan as Lily Aldrin on How I Met Your Mother
  • Joanna Kerns as Maggie Seaver on Growing Pains
  • Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden on The Honeymooners
  • Lucille Ball as Lucy Ricardo on I Love Lucy
  • Isabel Sanford as Louise Jefferson on The Jeffersons
  • Leah Remini as Carrie Heffernan on The King of Queens
  • Helen Hunt as Jamie Buchman on Mad About You
  • Mary Tyler Moore as Laura Petrie on The Dick Van Dyke Show
  • Phylicia Rashad as Ruth Lucas on Cosby

The UnReal Housewives of Milwaukee

Starring:

  • Betty Garrett as Edna Babish De Fazio on Laverne & Shirley
  • Marion Ross as Marion Cunningham on Happy Days
  • Suzanne Somers as Carol Foster on Step By Step
  • Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman on That 70’s Show

The UnReal Housewives of Los Angeles

Starring:

  • Michele Scarabelli as Susan Francisco on Alien Nation
  • Kellita Smith as Wanda McCullough on The Bernie Mac Show
  • Carol Potter as Cindy Walsh on Beverly Hills 90210
  • Florence Henderson as Carol Brady on The Brady Bunch
  • Janet Hubert-Whitten and Daphne Maxwell Reid as Vivian Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
  • Constance Marie as Angie Palmero on George Lopez
  • Cheryl Hines as Cheryl David on Curb Your Enthusiasm
  • Sofía Vergara as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett on Modern Family
  • Sheryl Lee Ralph as Deidra “Dee” Mitchell on Moesha
  • Kate Walsh as Dr. Addison Montgomery on Private Practice

The UnReal Housewives of Miami

This was way, way too much work for this punchline.  You can definitely tell Detroit was done first…

(locations via)

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Unofficial Trilogy… “Who Arted?” Edition

This was another situation in which I happened to watch three films in order, and each subsequent film made me re-evaluate the prior one.  If this sounds arty as fuck, that’s because I watched three “documentaries” about the nature of art:

Aren't posters art unto themselves?

Exit Through the Gift Shop

Watch this film first.  It’s imperative to do so.  Plus, it’s the most accessible.  It unfolds as a documentary by a man obsessed with street artists, that unfolds into a documentary about that very same man.  Director and street artist Banksy examines what makes art “art” via this romp that also asks what makes a documentary “a documentary.”

Catfish

Like ETtGS, this film received a lot of slack about whether it was real or a setup.  I sit on the sidelines and commend it for making me think not only about the events in this film (which though not surprising are still somehow shocking), and Banksy’s effort.

My Kid Could Paint That

I’m not big into abstract art, but I do have to admit that the artwork presented in this film was appealing… no matter the artist.  Again, I don’t want to give away too many details, but this film really shines a light on aspects of the first two films, by asking:

Are we admiring art or the artist?

Or as I titled this Unofficial Trilogy:

Who arted?

In Defense Of… The NBA Staying On Strike

I might be writing this completely prematurely, but I hope the NBA never comes back… this year.  And I’ll tell you why.

  • REASON 1 – THESE THREE PRICKS

Crybaby 1- Crybaby 2 - Crybaby Who?

When LeBron James and Chris Bosh met secretly with Dwyane Wade to discuss plans to join the Miami Heat, they essentially spit in the face of basketball.  And they didn’t even win the championship!  The tarnish they left on the game is comparable to the corked bat and steroid scandals in Major League Baseball – it changed everything, and definitely not for the better.  (Well, in the case of baseball, the game is improving with those cheats removed.  That’s why there have been more no-hitters the last few years.)

Now couple their brazen attitude with them pushing for a shortened season.  They think they can win if it doesn’t take as long to get to the finals, but doesn’t that mean there would always be an asterisk next the their victory?  The thing is – they don’t care.  And therefore, neither do I NBA

  • REASON 2 – OUTGROWING THE GAME

Son to mother: "Look Ma, I'm slam dunking!" Mother to son: "You should be able to do that, dear."

As humans, we’re all getting bigger, and not just in the positive ways.  Whereas basketball courts and rims have stayed the same size.  In no other sport do I see this as of much as an issue, except perhaps one day in hockey.  Does this mean the sport should never come back?  No.  But while they’re on strike, I think they should take a look at this.

  • REASON 3 – THE TRUE REASON

Okay, this is pretty cool.

(image via)

No offense to the Detroit Pistons, but the last time all three Detroit teams won championships in the same year was 1935 – when the Pistons weren’t around!  (For the record, we’re the only city to do that.)

The Lions won the NFL Championship (no Super Bowl until 1967); The Tigers won the World Series; and the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup!

Other cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Pittsburgh (!) and Baltimore (!!) have had multiple championships in one year.  We deserve another one.

SIDENOTE: I don’t count the Drive and the Shock match-ups with the Pistons and the Red Wings disrespectively.  And in 1952, the Lions and Wings won, but the Pistons were around by then.  I want all three!  (Check out the list here.)

JusWondering… Why Is There Still No Film About Moe Norman?

I don’t read as much as I should, and I don’t follow as many sports now as I may one day in my life.  But the convergence of those two facts lands as straight as one of his shots on Moe Norman:

That's Moe, mo' or less...

He’s a Canadian golfer that has a couple of books written about him, but the Wayne Gretzky-produced movie based on his life has yet to see the light.

Check out this video about him:

It’s supposed to be titled Dance the Green, but I have some other suggestions:

  • “Pipeline” (that’s his nickname, so it’s an obvious one)
  • “Teed Off” (sounds like too much of a comedy, although the film would likely be comical)
  • “UnderMoe” (underdog pun meets undertow rhyme)
  • “Golden Tee” (people might think it’s based on the video game, ergo, go and see it)

My best suggestion would have to be this one:

  • “Who is Moe Norman?”

Musical Musings… Come On, Get Higher, Dude

A little pretentious, but sufferable.

That guy is singer/songwriter Matt Nathanson.  You may know him from his first overplayed song, Come On Get Higher.  Or you might know him for his latest-to-be-overplayed song, Your Body is a Wonderland II Faster:

Notice anything different?

Oh shut up.

Really, dude?  You’re already married.  You don’t need to try that hard.

He doesn’t listen.

On top of that, have you really paid attention to Faster’s lyrics?  This part’s a tad risqué:

You’re so delicious
You’re so soft
Sweet on the tip of my tongue
You taste like sunlight
And strawberry bubble gum

But it really creeps into lame-o territory, right John Mayer?

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue
(Lyrics from Your Body is a Wonderland)

But Faster can’t get any worse, can it?

It’s the way you swell, slow
Pushing right out your seams
It’s the way you smile, baby
When you’ve got me on my knees

It can.  And that lyric will forever make me think about his wife Bridget’s vagina.  Now I just need to see what Bridget looks like

A Handful Of… Former Soap Stars You Didn’t Know You Liked

I would guess that except for two people I know that read this blog, no one that reads this blog watches soap operas.  (While in all actuality, no one I know reads this blog…)

Anyboohoo, there are probably some Actors! you like that you didn’t realize were on soap operas earlier in their careers.  And these appearances weren’t just cameos or extras work… legit characters were given life by these fan favorites.  Let’s begin with one that you may know about:

  • Sarah Michelle Gellar – Kendall Hart, All My Children (1993-95)

She played Buffy. She played Daphne. Who can't she play?

WHY YOU LIKE HER: On one hand, the background in the above photo should be a clue.  On another hand, this.

  • Tom Berenger – Tim Seigel, One Life to Live (1975-76)

City Mouse and, um, Country Mouse

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: Come on… he was a bad ass.  Not only was he in both Major League films, he was in Platoon, the first The Substitute, and three Sniper films.  Grant it – I’ve only seen the baseball comedies.  Did you know there were three Sniper films?!

  • Richard Dean Anderson – Dr. Jeff Webber, General Hospital (1976-81)

All he needs is a paper clip, a gum wrapper... and a mullet.

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: It should be a mantra – MacGyver, Stargate SG-1, MacGyver, Stargate SG-1, MacGyver, Stargate SG-1, MacGyver, Stargate SG-1…  You get it.

  • Alec Baldwin – Billy Aldrich, The Doctors (1980-82) / Joshua Rush, Knots Landing (1984-86)

Everybody used to look like this eventually.

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: This is my controversial entry.  Not just because you may have never heard of The Doctors soap opera (there’s a stupid talk show starring a Bachelor reject with the same name) nor because Knots Landing was a nighttime soap, but because some people don’t like him!  This blows my mind, just like the fact he was on TV waaaay before Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock.  (P.S. Check out Malice if you’ve never seen it.)

  • Christopher Walken – Mike Bauer, Guiding Light (1954-56)

So many choices... I chose this.

WHY YOU LIKE HIM: I was going to close with Rick Springfield until I made this discovery.  I mean, Jesse’s Girl is the never-dying, one-hit wonder I’ve always wished joked that wished I could write, but how many movies would have never made it to production if Walden didn’t get involved?  Blast From the Past, The Stepford Wives, Joe Dirt, Excess Baggage, Balls of Fury, Envy, Country Bears… I should have went with Springfield.

(more here)