Month: November 2010

In My Brain While Sleeping… New Reality Show

Posted on by sgottahurt

I think I watch too much TV. I know I watch too much TV.  So this means I dream a lot about TV.  As for improvised drug use… not so much.  But that doesn’t mean any such acts are off-limits in the subconscious.

(SIDENOTE: What unfortunately seems to be off-limits is anything above a PG-13 rating.)

So anyVH1, I recently had a dream involving these three reality stars:

Kourtney Kardashian - Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi - Audrina Patridge

And we were just hanging out at a night club doing whip-its (not to be confused with whipping hair).  That’s it.  Nothing provocative.  I’m just using this to illustrate my boob tube influenced brain.

Which brings me to the actual point of this post… I can’t believe there isn’t a reality show called The Dog Walkers.

In one of my dreams, the show existed, and it took place in different cities, like The Real Housewives, or MLB games.  But whereas this as a show might get boring:

How many are named Sparky?

This never will:

"Hold it 'til we get home. I forgot to bring bags!"

One more for prosperity:

It's because he can't see, you see.

A Handful Of… Characters That Fear Water

Posted on by sgottahurt

Water… is life.

Water… is cleansing.

Water… is wet.  What else can I say?

For these characters in TV and film, water is only wet.  Lame opening?  Waterever.

Here are A Handful Of characters that fear H2O.

  • A Mogwai named Gizmo

This poor little guy can’t even drink beer without spawning bastard siblings.

Yes, I've used that joke before.

  • The Wicked Witch of the West

I wonder if Glenda the Good Witch could get wet.  Maybe that came out wrong.  That was still a bad choice of words…

"I really like Arby Meltings, I'm Meltings..."

  • Pigpen

Water would only turn this Peanuts character into Muddy.

The Muddy pun would have went better if his name was Dusty.

  • Aliens

When you’re an alien that has acid blood, you avoid getting open wounds around water.

"I'd rather have ice in my veins..."

When you’re an alien that’s skin is so sensitive to water that it’s like acid, you avoid planets and creatures composed mostly of water.  Or so you’d think…

"If I had ice in my veins, I'd die... Waah..."

  • Jason Voorhees

Maybe he didn’t fear water so much before… you know…

"Hey mom, look at me! I'm splashing!"

  • Tim Burton’s version of evolved Apes

Take it guy from this blog post:

Apes, for some reason, are deathly afraid of water, because in all their evolving they have never learned to swim. In fact, they are so afraid of water that when Mark Wahlberg is running away from them, across a river, he is literally only a few steps into the water when the apes stop pursuing them. The idea seems to be that they are afraid of drowning, but apparently they are afraid of getting wet at all. Ummm… okay.

"Orangutan I didn't say banana? Get it?"

  • Ringwraiths

I guess there’s a bunch of debating about the portrayal of these characters in the Lord of the Ring films, but by my summation, they’re afraid of water.  It’s an elemental thing.

"It's also a horse-shaped tidal wave drowning us thing..."

  • 6th Graders

This video will prove it once and for all:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Movies That Rip Off Other Movies

Posted on by sgottahurt

How can they dew that?!

For this edition of the So, Duh! Pop Quiz, I’m going to have everyone figure out the movie that ripped off each of these films (well, one of the questions happens to be about the films that ripped off the original).

Here’s a little known truth:

It ain’t stealing if it’s an homage…

1) Which sci-fi flop copied these sci-fi flops?

 

THX 1138 - Parts: The Clonus Horror - Logan's Run

2) The second question’s always easy… What monster movie did these monster movies chase after?

Orca: The Killer Whale! - Alligator - Piranha

3) Which “groundbreaking” action film stole broken ground from these underground flicks?

Blade - Dark City - Ghost in the Shell

4) What piece of garbage ripped off these pieces of garbage, save the awesome underrated The Monster Squad?

Underworld - League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - The Monster Squad

5) Which film that was essentially a “cartoon” ripped off these “cartoons” (Dances with Wolves is certainly cartoonish)?

Dances with Wolves - Pocahontas - FernGully - Delgo

(Answers after the jump) Read More

Musical Musings And Awful Battle… Decidedly Different 80’s Love Songs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Once upon a time (in 1982 to be exact) there was a song.  It was a power ballad of nuclear reactor proportions, and it went a little something like this:

Now you may argue…

I thought this was an Awful Battle?  I love that song!

Don’t let nostalgia taint the reality that if that song was made today, it’d be laughable.  Journey-ing on…

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Once upon another time (in 1986), there was another song.  It was a remake of an older Randy Newman song that was featured in a little movie called 9.5 Weeks, or something like that.  Again, if it was made today… well, I don’t know how many women wear hats that men would want them to keep on these days:

So why is it an Awful Battle?  One hopes for endearment enduring, and one attempts to make this sexy:

No offense, Alexis.

JusWondering And InASense, Lost… Could This Actually Taste Good, And F— You Up?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I sure loves me some chocolate milk.  It is pure delight, especially with Oreos and Chips Ahoy!

I also sure loves me some booze.  It is pure delight with Taco Bell and pizza!

But can the two work together?  This company sure thinks so…

Introducing Adult Chocolate Milk!

What do they mean re-taste?! I still drink chocolate milk!

With a 20% alcohol content, it better leave you feeling dairy effed up.  Too bad it’s only available in Arizona, California, and Minnesota currently, and it’s super expensive to ship.  Because I could really go for some booze and cookies…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty And A Hibbidy-Wah?! WTF Is Hulk Hogan Doing?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t mean to go and spoil the below video, but spoil you I must:

Hulk's showing off his real American.

What in the flying fuck is this not only doing in a promo for a stupid looking video game, but why in the flying suplex is Hulk Hogan pulling out his thumb wrestler in front of his daughter Brooke?!  Whether it’s real or not, it’s really dumb for real.

This could have also been filed under from The Shit To Just Shitty… behold:

  • The Shit
  • Just Shitty



Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? If The Cleats Fett, I Mean, Fit…

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t find it strange that fans of this team:

The Detroit Lions currently have a better record than the Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys have won five Super Bowls to our zero!

Are also fans of these college football teams:

 

Hail Sadism and Masochism!

I imagine that their viewing parties look a little bit like this:

Pictured: Boba Fetish, with Slave I and Sluttrooper

Worth 1002 Words… Double-Barrel GIF Guns Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Purrfect Shots

Child's Play

(both via Filmdrunk)

Drunken Recollection… Denver Airport Conspiracy

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m a man that prefers simple.  Cut to the chase.  No silly games.  WYSIWYG.

But I’m also the kind of guy that enjoys the bizarre.  Against the grain.  Conspiracies.  WTF.

This Drunken Recollection involves the latter.  One night after soccer, my friend Chris mentioned that my brother had a flight layover at the Denver International Airport, and that he had asked him if he’d witnessed anything strange.

I didn’t know what he was referring to, so he pointed out the likes of this:

Okay, well, that borders on the irrational and fantastical (and kind of insane), but the main thing was that these types of conspiracies existed.

About an airport.

And none of it dealt with the fact it was a international airport nowhere near any other nations.

The DIA Conspiracy Files blog delves further into other aspects, but as a (rational) counterpoint, here ya go:

I still don’t understand why a city in just about the middle of the state would be international:

It's the cream-filling between Mexico and Canada.

Happy Find… In An Ironic Way

Posted on by sgottahurt

Call it the Netflix of the art world!  (Or more appropriately, the Blockbuster of the art world, since I can’t see either lasting that long…)

Introducing, Turning Art!

From my limited understanding (of not only the above site but the world), apparently you pick out artwork you want to hang up, and when you get sick of it, you send it back for another picture, à la Netflix.

Oh!  As it turns out, I’m exactly right:

It’s kind of sad that the video only has about 250 or so hits.  I wonder how many visits the actual site gets.

Unfortunately, the more I think about how I wanted to tease this site, the more I feel compelled to herald it.  I don’t know if there’s an actual market for cycling wall art, but it’s great there’s an outlet for raw talent.

I guess my ironic Happy Find changed into a legitimate one, just like you can with duplicated prints!

Nope, I’m back to ironic.