Hibbidy-Wah?! Things You Did Not (Need To) Know

This is an oldie I forgot about.  I’m not upset.  It forgot about me, too.

This was sort of like a Happy Find of the Hibbidy-Wah?! kind.  It was originally on Everything is Terrible’s website, and it caused them a world of potential hurt.  Luckily someone else finally re-posted it, and Warming Glow brought it back to my attention:

And this little factoid will never leave my noggin:

(via Zany Pickle via The Daily What)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Preview “The Secret Of My Success 2” And “The Expendables” Twist

(Not So) Theatric Poster

Much like our friends and family (but not our nose), we can’t pick our dreams.  Sure we can influence them, but it’s still the subconscious that gets the final say.

For instance, I recently dreamed about a pair of entirely different movies and their REM-rendered interpretations were off, odd, and, quite frankly, awful.

First up to bat – the above teaser poster.  I didn’t envision the look of it (nor the amount of time it took to make it look like passable junk).  The plot of The Secret of My Success 2 came through to me like a whisper in the night.  Well, maybe not a whisper… more like a coughing hack.

The CEO of McDonald’s and his wife were having marital problems.  In stepped me/Michael J. Fox… I/he  suggested that the CEO sing this to his wife:

“Ba-da-bah-bah-bum… I’m lovin’ you.”

Boom!  I/he became a success at McDonald’s!  And it was our little (second) secret!

The other dream involved me seeing a sneak preview for a flick that hasn’t even hit theaters yet – The Expendables.

Suffice it to say, there was a switcheroo in the middle of the movie (a twist filling, if you will), and the bad guys killed off all the Expendables except for two…

Tough Guys: Topher Grace and Jay Baruchel

Musical Musings… What A Difference A Letter Makes

I'm about to turn your world upside-down, too.

I once wrote a poem entitled, “Where Do All the Deleted Letters Go?” (I considered posting it here, but that would have required me importing some old ASCII code documents into Word and performing a lot of clean up.  Needless to say, if anyone requests it, I’ll post it in the comments.)

Anywhoknowswhereallthedeletedlettersgo, one letter can make a world of difference.  Whether it’s changed out, or simply added, an entire piece can gain new meaning and influence.  Take the song Don’t You (Forget About Me) as an example (via Moviefone):

The theme song of ‘The Breakfast Club‘ was originally called ‘Won’t You Forget About Me?‘ but was changed to the more insistent ‘Don’t You (Forget About Me)‘ after the song’s writer, Keith Forsey, learned that Molly Ringwald’s and Judd Nelson’s characters wind up together in the end. The Simple Minds recording went on to become one of the biggest hits of 1985.

It’s not a huge deal, but it’s still a deal, so let’s make a deal or no deal.  Sorry about that.  I don’t know what my deal was there.

So I thought of a couple of letter changes and editions that might make a hit song not so much so…

  • Britney Spears’ Toxic becomes Tonic

Updated lyrics:

With a taste of your lips
I now did decide
You’re tonic, I’m sipping soda
With a tastelessness of a seltzer slide
I’m indifferent to you
Don’t you know that you’re tonic

  • Finger Eleven’s Paralyzer becomes Paralyzed

Updated lyrics:

Well I am paralyzed
And I seem to be stuck by you
I want to make any move
You’re also staying still
If your body matches
What my eyes can’t do
You probably won’t move left or right, too
Me in my bed by you

  • Kesha’s Tik Tok becomes Tike Toke

Updated lyrics:

Don’t stop, sip some pop
Mama, roll my doobie up
Tonight, I’mma bite
Teddy Grahams all night
Tike toke on the bong
But the blazin’ don’t stop
No No Joan
Goodnight, Moon

I would have written more, but I thought this was a funny enough ending.

Awful Battle… Food Movie Titles

Is it fair to call this an Awful Battle?  It’s more fair than calling it an Awesome Battle, because let’s be honest… there are a lot more awful films named after food than awesome ones.

So whether the movie is named after one general food (Meatballs, Bananas, Three Musketeers – a stretch, I know), a specific food (Home Fries, Good Burger, Mixed Nuts), the fact it’s a film and not food being explained in the title (Hamburger: The Motion Picture, Hot Dog… The Movie), certain people around food (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Children of the Corn), or places named after or serving food (Hamburger Hill, Mystic Pizza), they are on this list.

Did I miss any?  Feel free to comment below.

InASense, Lost… Everybody’s Seen The Smoking Baby, So Here’s Other Stuff (And The Smoking Baby)

The smoking baby from Indonesia may not be the first of his kind, but he’s definitely getting David After Dentist level of media attention.

In case you have (somehow) missed it, the video (via Break) is… moved to after the jump due to auto-starting issues.

(SIDENOTE: I would have went with a YouTube video, but you can’t trust any of those to stay.  So now I’ll imagine you skipped ahead to the bottom of the page, or clicked on the above link, and I’ll be moving on.)

If you think that’s scary, then you haven’t seen this (via Cooley!):

From "Inappropriate Golden Books: Movies R Fun!"

Hmm, not working, eh?  Perchance a toy of Bat Boy might throw you for a loop (via Comics Alliance)?

I wasn't aware he wore cut-off jean shorts.

One more thing and I give up.  How about another misappropriation of a teddy bear? This time, it’s in robot form from Fujitsu (via Crunch Gear):

Hrm… That’s all I got.

Smoking baby after the jump! Read More

Drunken Recollection… A New Phrase For You – “Map In The Ass”

No relation to Gooding, Jr.

This has to be one of the best bar stories of all time, and my apologies if I don’t get this right.

Dakota (a friend of mine) knew this kid that claimed his father was a pilot during the Bay of Pigs invasion.  Part one of his story:

My dad was called to active duty and was ordered to fly to Playa Girón to drop some bombs on Cuba.  But the thing was… he wasn’t allowed to bring a map.  But he really needed a map, so he hid it in his butt.

He couldn’t bring a map of Cuba to Cuba in case he was caught going to the place he had a map of how to get to?  Moving on to paht two:

So as my dad was closing in on his target, hand ready to pull the lever, a call came in over his radio… ”Tahm, don’t drop tha bahms!’  It was President Kennedy!

So according to this kid, not only was his father one of the very few Americans involved in the invasion, but JFK was on a first name basis with him.

Hence the new phrase for you – “map in the ass.”  It’s code for “a lie pulled out of your ass.”

Tah dah!

Another item of discussion – what is the layout of the office on The Office?

This is the best version I’ve found online (and it’s not 100% up-to-date):

Does Vance Refrigeration use its lease space as effectively?

Here’s the map I pulled out of my ass:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

Happy Finds… SNL Skits (And Tina Fey Bits) You May Not Have Seen

This is partly out of boredom at work (okay, it’s mostly out of boredom at work).

You see, my boss Paul (and friend – he’s definitely friendly today) once told me about an old Saturday Night Live sketch that involved Will Ferrell fighting a monkey.  It sounded hilarious, but I could never find it online.

Today, we searched.  We found.  We laughed.  I share.

Okay, so I don't share right away. It auto-played, so I moved the video to after the jump.

So I started poking around the TripleDoubleU for more random skits, and I found this unfamiliar character, The Falconer.  It’s funny despite itself…

I put his video after the jump so Will Ferrell wouldn't be alone...

Then this last bit isn’t the complete sketch.  Apparently, it was cut from the actual taping, but I caught a hint of it during the SNL special about the last decade of the show.  If you like Tina Fey, you may be sad this sketch didn’t make it to air.  If you like like Tina Fey, you will be sad.  Thank Hulu for YouTube!

(Videos on next page) Read More

A Handful Of… Songs That Have Made Me, Um, Cry

This idea occurred to me after seeing whatever commercial uses Gene Wilder singing Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  (To be fair, I’m pretty sure it’s for a certain telecommunication company, but since my cell phone can’t hold a call, my memory can’t hold a sponsor.)

Anygobstopper, here’s the original scene from the movie to move you:

What a haunting melody… man, was that movie dark or what?

Another classic that chokes me up fairly consistently: Harry Chapin’s Cat’s in the Cradle.

Damn, just looking these up is killing me.  Curse you Five for Fighting, and your 100 Years.

The next two are definitely more personal than the above, but no less inherently tear-jerky (well, perhaps one is more so than the other): Mike + The Mechanics’ The Living Years and Joe Jackson’s Steppin’ Out.

And finally Sarah McLachlan’s Angel gets a mention because of the ASPCA TV ads, not for City of Angels.

Wow.  This post wasn’t funny at all.  Let me remedy that with an anecdote I heard about Arnold Schwarzenegger today:

While golfing, the Governator asked an opponent, “When was you last blowjob?”  The guy responds with a laugh, “A couple nights ago, I guess.”  Then while the guy’s taking his swing, Arnie adds in the Terminator’s voice, “How did it taste?”   Needless to say, the guy choked (pun!)…


(anecdote via Dakota and here)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Unfortunately, LOST

I need to invent a version of this called "Draw Your Own Conclusions - LOST Edition"...

I wanted to love it.  I really did.

But ever since the “origin story” of Jacob and the Man In Black in the episode titled, Across the Sea (from a whole two weeks ago), I started having my doubts.  Blame it on seeing The Man Behind the Curtain.  Blame it on seeing bad-ass Darth Vader getting called Annie by a fish-rabbit.  But witnessing the beginnings of the enigmatic answer-holders toThe Island made us all realize they held no answers – only more questions.

Last week’s episode – What They Died For – continued illuminating Desmond’s path of getting the other passengers of Oceanic 815 to remember where they’d been, and it gave me hope again about the show’s finale.

So what went wrong, in my opinion?  Oddly, I’d say over-explanation.

That’s when you say, What?!  But they didn’t explain anything!

And that’s when I’d say, let me explain:


Jacob and the Man In Black were simply better as ageless entities.  They’ve been referred to as Yin and Yang; Right and Wrong; God and Satan; Alpha and Omega; Coke and Pepsi.  And they were much better for the mystery of it.  The second they became brothers manipulated by another who-the-hell-is-this, I understood the reason for the setup was to explain the Candidates. But they still could have remained ageless entities, searching throughout all of human civilization (from Atlantis to the Egyptians to Dharmaville) for their replacements.


Remember how everybody loves  Raiders of the Lost Ark and everybody hates Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?  Let’s use the good and the bad to explain the ugly that was The End.

As the finale progressed, and each of our star-crossed survivors found each other again, I’ll admit that I was eating it up.  Although what ultimately happened didn’t mesh with what I hoped would happen,  that’s still not the only reason the ending didn’t make me completely happy.

So let’s turn LOST into ROTLA to examine the reason why.  For the entire movie, Indiana Jones has been fighting Nazis and greedy archaeologists to find the LOST Ark first.  This man of science and history has been turned into a man of faith, à la Jack Shephard.

But whereas in ROTLA, Indy’s true faith was tested, I fear Jack’s was not (at least not as effectively, because WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE ISLAND, THE LIGHT, AND THAT POOL?!).  And what happened after that would have been like Indy dying and going to purgatory/limbo/Mu/”the waiting place” to finally be happy with Marion Ravenwood (which I would have probably preferred over KOTCS).

It’s not a Snickers bar.  It’s hardly satisfying.  And it renders everything that happened on The Island and in the Sideways Reality pointless.  If this was a Nirvana they subconsciously created, why would they have invited murder, deception, and new kids like David, to exist?

Which brings me back to Jack and the Beanstalk, I mean, Fountain.  I couldn’t believe that even a part of me was hoping an alien or an ancient being would appear like the creatures in KOTCS to shed some insight into it all.  But no.  Not a thing.

I have to live with the stupid, frozen, Island-moving, donkey wheel being relegated to an idea Man In Black devised.

I have to live with the fact that Charles Widmore was nothing more than anybody else.

I have to live with the notion that Kate, Sawyer, Claire, Miles, Richard, and Frank were the only ones that escaped the Island… maybe.


I started hoping that the Sideways Story was an alternate reality created by the nuclear bomb detonation (hence Juliet’s claim, “It worked.”)

I started thinking that Desmond’s true purpose was to help guide all the survivors’ consciousnesses to this reality from the original reality so they could live happily ever after.

I started wondering if Miles would somehow not end up on the Ajira plane, allowing only Frank and Richard to make their escape since they were not shown in the Sideways Story, and the Island would have been destroyed, taking everyone else in the process.

But instead, all I got was an ending that was simply a Sideways Version of the South Park episode, Dead Celebrities:

The Final Church Scene from LOST