How many affairs has Tiger Woods had? Eleven, twelve, fifteen? (Personally, I hope it hits and stops at eighteen ho’s… just like a golf course.)
The question alone sounds almost like it should be a nursery rhyme in the vein of How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
How about:
If Tiger Woods would use his wood would he put his woody in a birdie?
If not, they could always make a movie…
Tagline: "Why sink a hole-in-one, when you can sink a hole-in-all?"
(SIDENOTE: I’m not defending him, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that all this nonsense started after his father passed away. I can’t recall hearing one source mentioning this. His father oversaw his entire life – maybe this was his 20’s rebellion just way too late.)
When I first heard Miley Cyrus’ Party in the U.S.A. amidst her infamous stripper pole ice cream cart incident at the Teen Choice Awards (the TripleDoubleU was all a-Twitter), it did not make an impression in the least. In fact, had the song not gotten so much radio play, I would not have backtracked to find out that it was this song she writhed to.
Fast-forward to today. Damn, does that song get stuck in your head. It’s a classic earworm cocktail: lift a few themes from other songs, drop in a couple famous names, mention “partying” in a patriotic manner, and sprinkle with auto-tuning. Voila! A hit!
Before getting into the full monty with this song, I’d like to present a testimony to the ditty’s power over lyrics. Here in Detroit, we have an excellent alternative (Canadian) rock station called 89x. Everyday at 7pm, they have two songs battle it out for The People’s Choice. The current and reigning winner:
"The Fold" is from Chicago... "the bends" is from surfacing too fast.
Wanna hear their song?
That’s a tasty synth track.
So onto the lyrics…
I hopped off the plane at L.A.X.
With a dream and my cardigan
Welcome to the land of fame excess,
Am I gonna fit in?
Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy
Everybody seems so famous
My tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I’m nervous,
That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio
And a Jay Z song was on
Remind you of anyone else?
Well, the plane landed and when I came out
There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out
I ain’t trying to get arrested
I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared
I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought ‘Now forget it’ – ‘Yo homes to Bel Air’
It’s not exactly the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but it’s certainly reminiscent. Oh. And about that Jay Z song? Miley’s never heard any song by HOVA, because she did not write the song. Jessica “Jessie” Cornish did, and BONUS! She’s British (and can sing circles around Miley, btw).
Back to the chorus:
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflies fly away
I’m noddin’ my head like yeah
I’m movin’ my hips like yeah
Mya, do you have anything you’d like to say… oh, I don’t know… how about, your love is like… wo? The remainder is a repetition of the first part, just with different words.
I guess the biggest problem I have with the song is the cloying patriotism. When Bruce Springsteen sang about how he was Born in the U.S.A., I believed him. Okay, it’s probably not fair to compare the Boss‘ song about disenfranchised American soldiers to Hannah Montana’s tune about not wearing stilettos because she “never got the memo.” But his heart was in his throat when he sang that song. Dollar signs were in Billy Ray’s eyes when she sang hers.
(SIDENOTE: Try on Kesha’s Tick Tock – I’m sorry – Ke$ha’s Tik Tok as an alternative to Party in the U.S.A. Most of the same earworm ingredients are there:
lift a few themes from other songs (“Don’t stop…” hook = Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” hook, also repetitive last word in phrase, à la Black Eyed Peas’ Meet Me Halfway)
drop in a couple famous names (Diddy, Mick Jagger)
mention “partying” in a patriotic manner (“…but the party don’t stop…”)
Gather ’round, gather ’round, oh ye of the current Idiocracy… it’s time for a little history lesson.
Once upon a time, AT&T was The Shit. Mostly, this was due to the fact it was The Only Shit out there, but allow me to quickly sum up the company’s roots:
1878 – Once Alexander Graham Bell “invents” the telephone (it’s still debated whether or not he stole the patent from another), his business partners try to sell the rights to the telephone to Western Union. They turn it down (the sale price was $100,000, or $2.2 million in today’s dollars).
1879 – Instead, Bell’s partners start the Bell Telephone Company (which would go through several name changes in the early years). They would ultimately purchase a portion of Western Union in 1881.
1880 – AT&T Long Lines are put in place that provide long distance calling between New York and Chicago. It was a separate entity from American Bell (the current name at that point), and it would ultimately purchase its parent company at the end of 1899.
1913 – American Telephone & Telegraph (their full name) signs the Kingsbury Commitment with our government which allows them to keep a monopoly on the country’s phone system. It stays pretty much in effect until 1984!
So to recap, Bell might have stolen credit for inventing the phone, Bell’s partners buy out a chunk of the company they tried to do business with previously, and the resulting company runs the show in America for over 100 years legally! The Shit!
Nowadays, since getting further and further away from land lines, AT&T sucks. Should my iPhone drop calls? I don’t think so! Therefore, Just Shitty! (Personally, I blame the Cingular/SBC buyouts for this, but more on this in a second.)
Enter Luke Wilson, Owen’s younger brother. A formerly shooting star that has since hit a speed bump (what would be the equivalent in space… an SBC satellite?), let’s check out his track record:
1996 – Bottle Rocket
1998 – Home Fries and Rushmore
2000 – Charlie’s Angels
2001 – Legally Blonde and The Royal Tenenbaums
2002 – Old School, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, and Legally Blonde 2
2004 – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
2005 – Idiocracy
Now are all of those hits? No. But they are all popular and some are my favorites (those underlined). I would qualify his first ten years to AT&T’s first hundred… that is, he was The Shit, or at least on the path to fully encompassing it.
What happened that lead him to ultimately costar in a film with Jessica Simpson? It certainly wasn’t Blonde Ambition blind ambition. I’m calling it the Idiocracy Curse. The film was supposed to be released in 2005, but it was pushed back and subsequently dumped into 130 theaters the following year, and onto DVD the next. It has since achieved a cult status and is frighteningly prescient. But since then, Luke Wilson hasn’t had a hit or even a near miss. Does this make him Just Shitty?
Well, when SBC acquired AT&T in 2005 (the Idiocracy Curse!), they officially attained their Just Shitty status.
When did Luke Wilson attain his?
(Here’s to hoping both can attain their former glory, and my iPhone won’t drop anymore calls!)
(I apologize for being behind on posts… I plan to catch up soon.)
My friend (and coworker) Chris often makes interesting web discoveries, and he always passes the info onto me, and I to you. I always make sure to give credit where credit is due, so I thank him for his finds as a footnote. No more. Maybe.
This could be a one-shot; it could be a regular. If it is, will this post stay the Chris List, or will it get a more clever name? I can’t say for sure. What I can say for sure is that the following website delighted our coworkers for hours/days on end. Unfortunately I was busy at clients, and didn’t get to partake in the shenanigans…
Chris doesn’t even have an iPhone, but he made me aware of this site. And even though it is iPhone centric, and I feel bad for bringing it up, it could be worth it if any of the games pan out to be good…
Just like digital candy...
Check it daily to see what new free games are available for download. Like you ever do anything I say.
BONUS AWKWARD:
"Ever wondered what the kid with the clarinet is really thinking?"
A picture is worth one-thousand words (and sometimes 1002). I’ll let this picture speak for itself:
"A horse is a whore, or course, of course..."
Apparently, Struts (yup, that’s what these My Little Slutty Ponies are called) have been available for awhile now, but I’d only recently stumbled upon them.
Created by Playmates Toys (a company name that always sent my mind to land of Hugh Hefner), the Struts are meant to evoke another questionable toyline – the infamous Bratz dolls.
What’s next? Teddy bears in teddies? (For other teddy bear atrocities, click here.)
NOTE: I made this while at work. Thankfully, no one stopped by my desk.
Here's Blake... not so lively, more so lazily resting
The lovely Blake Lively hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend, and pretty much given any chance, the writers threw her in a skimpy outfit that showed off her gams. Sorry. Sometimes when I’m tipsy, and I see a pretty lady, I get all roaring 20’s upinhere.
Anywhosaidwhat, the Gossip Girl star held her own, and performed unabashedly well. But then again, after the train wreck that was January Jones, everyone looks better.
I’m not saying January Jones isn’t a looker… she was just a terrible host. Heavens to betsy! I’ve put myself in quite a pickle.
There unfortunately weren’t any stand out skits for her. This skit only has three stars on Hulu, but I thought it was one of the better bits. Could be because I live in Michigan – home of the Insane Clown Posse and their fervent followers, the Juggalos. The video of their documentary is below for comparison.
Once upon a time in a nearby place, I had an epiphany. Okay, it wasn’t so much of an epiphany as it was a drunk idea. I thought:
Hey! Dijoo ever notes how girls shows names flow pattern?
What that means is exactly what it says. Television shows named after their female leads always give an indication as to what type of show that will be… without ever seeing the show. Whether this is a Coinkydink (coincidence) or a Coinkydonk (on purpose) will be up to you. Presenting the types:
And I thought People of Walmart was Tralfamodorian zoo-worthy. That’s probably because I live in Detroit, where we only have a People Mover* and not a subway.
Where do dreams come from? Are they subconscious remnants of the days events? Are they connections to alternate realities? Are are they just dreams of things you wish that could be? Oh how I wish this place existed.
Rides, a food warehouse, Rue McClanahan, and a bear ice sculpture... that about sums it up!
It was the largest indoor extravaganza I’ve ever seen dreamed. The group that I visited the establishment with immediately split into pairs or off on their own as soon as the doors opened. As I traversed the expansive main aisle, shelves that would have towered over buildings. Imagine being inside of a Christmas tree. Imagine Las Vegas in a warehouse. That was this place. Anything and everything you could want to buy was within (or just out of) your reach.
As I ambled about, I stumbled into a live trivia game show in the style of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire hosted by none other than the last living Golden Girl, Blanche Devereaux herself, Rue McClanahan. I participated for a while, until the sound of striking pins was audible in the distance.
In search of the growing cacophony of mechanical wonders and games, I passed a giant ice sculpture of a polar bear. There was a nameplate, but I didn’t bother reading it at that point.
I headed toward the festival atmosphere, where a rollercoaster, a disco dance floor, a pool hall, a bowling alley, a roller rink, and an arcade all intertwined without any walls or ceilings but those of the warehouse. I got lost in the glory for so long, that as the day broke through the high windows, I made my way back to the ice sculpture. The night hold taken its toll, and most of what remained was an icy lump and a fountain puddle.
It was then I finally read the plaque:
INGREDIENTS: Cottage cheese and Mountain Dew… gross.
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