In Defense Of… Today’s Youth (Even Including Hipsters)

Let’s face it… as a collective whole, Generation X is a collective hole.  All we did was whine and dine on every technological change that made our pitiful existences that much easier to have more time to, well, whine more.

Our gut instincts tell us to poo-poo on this next gaggle of young adults, but like the babies of the family, they’ve seen what the Greatest Generation and the Baby Boomers and us have wrought, and they are ready to make the best of a bad situation.

To my Gen X’ers, nostalgia was just a fashion statement or a manifestation of our unwillingness to grow up.  To this next group, I think they see value.

For example, typewriters are as pointless as pretty much any technology modern cellphones have replaced spindles these days, but lest we forget them, today’s youth will find a way to reintroduce them:

Music tastes have changed through the decades, and rising musicians like Michigan-born Mayer Hawthorne, are working hard to keep styles such as Motown still alive:

And then there’s this movement:

Kids these days...

I’m 99% sure this next generation is are all right.

In Defense Of… The NBA Staying On Strike

I might be writing this completely prematurely, but I hope the NBA never comes back… this year.  And I’ll tell you why.

  • REASON 1 – THESE THREE PRICKS

Crybaby 1- Crybaby 2 - Crybaby Who?

When LeBron James and Chris Bosh met secretly with Dwyane Wade to discuss plans to join the Miami Heat, they essentially spit in the face of basketball.  And they didn’t even win the championship!  The tarnish they left on the game is comparable to the corked bat and steroid scandals in Major League Baseball – it changed everything, and definitely not for the better.  (Well, in the case of baseball, the game is improving with those cheats removed.  That’s why there have been more no-hitters the last few years.)

Now couple their brazen attitude with them pushing for a shortened season.  They think they can win if it doesn’t take as long to get to the finals, but doesn’t that mean there would always be an asterisk next the their victory?  The thing is – they don’t care.  And therefore, neither do I NBA

  • REASON 2 – OUTGROWING THE GAME

Son to mother: "Look Ma, I'm slam dunking!" Mother to son: "You should be able to do that, dear."

As humans, we’re all getting bigger, and not just in the positive ways.  Whereas basketball courts and rims have stayed the same size.  In no other sport do I see this as of much as an issue, except perhaps one day in hockey.  Does this mean the sport should never come back?  No.  But while they’re on strike, I think they should take a look at this.

  • REASON 3 – THE TRUE REASON

Okay, this is pretty cool.

(image via)

No offense to the Detroit Pistons, but the last time all three Detroit teams won championships in the same year was 1935 – when the Pistons weren’t around!  (For the record, we’re the only city to do that.)

The Lions won the NFL Championship (no Super Bowl until 1967); The Tigers won the World Series; and the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup!

Other cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Pittsburgh (!) and Baltimore (!!) have had multiple championships in one year.  We deserve another one.

SIDENOTE: I don’t count the Drive and the Shock match-ups with the Pistons and the Red Wings disrespectively.  And in 1952, the Lions and Wings won, but the Pistons were around by then.  I want all three!  (Check out the list here.)

In Defense Of… This Unlikely, Unlikable Couple

You may not know the names Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stoddard, but if you watch celebrity gossip shows, you know their faces:

This is marriage, with an emphasis on "age."

Yes, this is the happily wedded couple consisting of the 51-year-old Actor! and the 16- or 17-year-old Country Singer(?)!  Many uproarious reports have been filed and fed to the public, but I’m here to *ahem* defend them.

Why have I waited so long?  Basically, the bottom of the barrel has been scraped away, and they are what’s left.

To begin, I’m not going to get into any of the age junk; I’m more interested in the weirdness factor.  That’s the only thing I can defend.  They’re getting their own reality show, and it begs the question – is this what they’re all about?

Let’s examine other trainwrecks that have had their own reality shows:

In reality TV, their show would simply be a combination of The Real Housewives and Toddlers & Tiaras, and both of those are certifiable hits… and certifiable misses.

In Defense Of… Stick Figure Family Window Decals

This might be my most difficult In Defense Of yet.  Out of everything I’ve defended, I’ve found a silver lining.  But these things – I hate these things:

Revenge of the Son of the "Baby On Board" Signs, Part 2

And that’s just what it is, right?  It’s the latest parental fad, like those old Baby on Board signs:

Baby, I'm Bored...

They’re pointless and annoying.  All this coming from the guy that’s defended the dislikes of Justin Beiber!

So where do I begin?

Really?

They’re pointless.

So I’m going to have to dig deep within and point out a point.

Got it!

They’re ripe for comedy.  Check out this (possibly tasteless) video:

If people used these for comedic purposes rather than boastful, we might see the likes of this:

Could be a single lady's possible future...

Or maybe celebrities could get in on the trend to kill it:

Neil Patrick Harris' Family

Octomom (less the rest of her brood) or Kate Gosselin

Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus

I fear I’ve failed this In Defense Of, and this is what I should get:

In Defense Of… Heather Graham

She gets a lot of flack, so I just wanted Heather Graham to know I got her back.

As well as other parts...

I have a disclaimer to make… I’ve had a long-standing crush on Ms. Graham, ever since her early appearances in License to Drive and Diggstown (I knew both of those without looking her up on IMDb or Wikipedia, so there).  Group those roles together with her (very vital) character in Swingers, I should declare case closed.  But it’s not that simple.

DISCLAIMER #2 – I’m a sucker for big… eyes.  See: Katy Perry, Amanda Seyfried.

Anyhootersasinowlspeepers, another easy argument is she’s had a long career in distinguished comedies – Arrested Development, Scrubs (Dr. Molly Clock appeared in nine episodes), the aforementioned Swingers, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Steve Martin’s Bowfinger and The Hangover.

And yes, she’s done her share of… more questionable… appearances, but one was in a highly celebrated film (Boogie Nights, which is not to be confused with another of her films that won’t win any arguments called Boogie Woogie).  She was in the widely-respected TV show (and movie) Twin Peaks, plus, she has starred beside Will Smith (Six Degrees of Separation), Robert Downey, Jr. (Two Girls and a Guy and a Pizza Place), William Hurt (Lost in Space), and Johnny Depp (From Hell).

Most recently, she was in a family film playing an aunt.  Roller Girl.  As an aunt.

This is not the image you hoped I would use.

Mira Sorvino didn’t have this career.  Marissa Tomei has an Academy Award, and she seems to have been scraping by ever since (she was Heather’s costar in The Guru).

(SIDENOTE: I don’t know why I isolated and picked on those two Actors!, but I know why I picked my closer.)

If anyone wants to knock Heather Graham’s talents, just remember… she could have turned out like Tara Reid:

This is a "before" picture... you don't want to see any "afters."

In Defense Of… Jon Benjamin Has A Van

I feel like I’m alone on an island, or in a windowless van, because nobody else I know likes Jon Benjamin Has a Van.

As someone put it (while I was likely drunk, so I don’t remember who):

It’s too weird to be mainstream, and not weird enough to be Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

If you’re unfamiliar with anything I’m talking about, here’s a clip from JBHV:

Come on… that’s funny… enough.

Everything can’t be It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

Here’s the thing – H. Jon Benjamin is overdue for some serious screen time.  The first thing I saw him in was Baby Pranks, and that’s from 2006:

That was on the DVD for Home Movies, in which he played Coach McGuirk:

And don’t forget about his roles as/in Archer and Bob’s Burgers:

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s on Cartoon Network, they have weird things that require an acquired taste.

Hmm, what was that?  It’s on Comedy Central?

Jon Benjamin Has a Van, you will be missed, by only me apparently.  May you one day get referenced by Daniel Tosh before a commercial break.