Video games and hula hoops might be considered childish things.
But what about a fake movie trailer based on a video game and a mesmerizing mellow dance routine using a hula hoop?
You’re not reading this anyway. You’re looking at the videos, right? I can say anything I want here, and I’m going to take full advantage of that. I sometimes daydream about getting lick-attacked by, like, a dozen puppies.
When I was a kid (and maybe still now), I prided myself on knowing the words to many, many toy commercials.
Somehow, this one escaped me.
No matter what, Charger-Tron, you will not escape me again!
(SIDENOTE: This is YouTube gold. Thank you to zorro3121 for sharing this with the world.)
Is this just a pog for the digital age? Really, I’m seriously asking…
I watch more cartoons than I should. In fact, depending on the time of the year, my DVR may be 33% full of animated hijinks.
But this show… this show makes me feel like a parent (which I’m not). Of all the swill shilling shit programming out there, this one… this one… you just need to see:
If the opening of BeyWheelz: Powered by BeyBlade is too unbearable to sit through, allow me to present a sample battle scene from this show:
Yes. You saw exactly what you saw. Two wheels riding into each other. Not animals popping out of balls or cards. Wheels. Or pardon me, Wheelz.
These Wheelz. Or pardon me, BeyWheelz.
I wonder if each set is based on a different episode.
Hasbro has gotten sloppy, power-hungry, or durrr since the success of the brain-dead-on-arrival Transformer films. Even the cinematic floater called Battleship made them money in the worldwide market. Perhaps their just setting their sights on dumb-proofing children so that one day a live-action BeyWheelz will be another future summer blockbuster.
Wait a second… BeyWheelz… Michael Bay… it might already be too late…
It appears to me that the word legend gets thrown around an unfair amount. So I’m gonna throw it around some more but with some context…
THE SHIT
This is the show’s equivalent to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”
In Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV cartoon – not the movie), we are introduced to an amazing world where gifted individuals can bend (mentally manipulate) the four elements. But Aang’s more of a legend than Korra at this series’ start. This show that acts as a sequel not only brought us back to this world, but also a grown up one. We’re only one season in, and although the finale was a bit too tidy, I can’t wait for more. This desire to go back is the only thing that trumps what I deeply considered deeming The Shit, and instead opted to rank as…
NUMBER TWO
Look how fast they grow up. And different.
The only legend you need to know about Zelda is that she’s an easy kidnap. The original game was incredible; I could never beat Zelda II: The Adventures of Link. A Link to the Past was my next victory… and my last. I’ve purchased virtually all the games in this series, but even though I play them like crazy when I first get them, I’ve yet to finish another. I don’t even look forward to them half as much anymore. I did get close to finishing Twilight Princess… but I just stopped.
BIRD TURD
“Who wants their ass kicked? That’s right… I said who!?”
Owls. In. Armor. ‘Nuff said.
UNDEAD CRAP
“Here’s a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.”
This Will Smith cash grab probably would have got a higher ranking from me if the they would have done one of two things:
WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
It looks passable… and I don’t mean in the bowels sense.
This TV show is only so low because I know little about it. I know I’ve heard good things about it, but I also know it was cancelled before its time, so to invest any time in catching up on it would be a waste of, um, time. What they were seeking, I may never know, but if it ever gets picked up again, who knows? Maybe I’ll seek out the DVD’s.
DINGLEBERRY CENTRAL
“No, this is not about Xenu.”
I haven’t seen this film in forever, and as much as seeing young Mia Sara could tempt me, seeing young Tom Cruise or the weird shirtless (even if it’s a prosthetic) Tim Curry does not.
80’S POOP
I hate to admit this, but the kid is my son.
The plot of this film sounds atrocious, and you can read it by clicking here. Or you can just read the summary of Billie Jean’s legend:
…[she’s] a symbol of youth empowerment and the evidence of the injustices adults are capable of…
Boo hoo.
JUST SHITTY
Matt Damon: “Are the cameras still on us?” Will Smith: “What cameras?”
Sorry that you made it on here twice, Will Smith. Nothing against you, but this golf flick (first mistake!) is not good. In fact, the only good thing it has going for it is that it probably ushered in the end of the magical negro trope. Well, maybe this quote by Matt Damon’s character, too:
You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.
Ever hear about 3D printing?
This particular product is called the Solidoodle 2, and it “printed” that plastic skull!
It “printed” this castle!
What will I do with such a product, you may wonder. I’ll “print” frickin’ toys! That I made up! How cool is that?!
This is one of those dreams that I shouldn’t share because, quite frankly, it made no sense. So here we go! (With pictures! (And videos!))
I was a writer on Saturday Night Live.
And I was proud about a skit I wrote in which adults were trying to pass each other holding on the top pole of a swing set.
But then they ended up having Krazy Glue hard hats on and stayed in place.
I ran into President Obama at a shopping mall and told him the skit’s premise. He did not find it funny.
Oh yeah… did I mention it was Lingerie Day? All over the mall, women were only wearing lingerie.
And how could I forget to tell you it was coincidentally also Free Ice Cream Day?
But to get free ice cream, you needed a ticket from a sponsor. Every sponsor I checked in with ran out.
I decided I was going to eat ice cream anyway since there was so much leftover. As I moved in, a friend that was working gave me permission to pig out.
That’s when I shared my theory on food portions:
When free food is provided, you should take a fair portion first. Once everyone has gone through the line, you can take a second helping of a higher portion. This does not apply to pizza. More pizza can only be taken in the third round.
That’s about when I overheard a man tell his wife: “You told me not to think!”
My punchline: “She had to tell you not to do that?”
I’d like to think if he was still there, this was his response.
Then I awakened to this song playing on the radio:
Sibling Rivalry
Recently, on the Hub or some channel like that, I happened to catch back-to-back episodes of both shows, and I’ve already decided that there is a clear winner in the Awesome Battle between He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and She-Ra: The Princess of Power. This post will illustrate my process.
Each of these are classics in their own right, but one stands out as a more advanced arrangement. One could even imagine its back beat being lifted for an artist such as Nicki Minaj:
WINNER: SHE-RA
Let’s take a look at She-Ra’s enemies – The Evil Horde, lead by Hordak:
They were so bad-ass, they didn’t even sell them as part of the She-Ra toyline.
And howzabout He-Man’s baddies, lead by Skeletor:
I kid, I kid… Or should I say “I baby…” (pun!)
(Click here for the real pic.)
WINNER: SHE-RA
Sexual overtones are in all cartoons… especially in ones that phocus on fysique focus on physique. So in He-Man, you have Prince Adam who dresses like this:
Um… yup.
And this is him as He-Man with his merry crew:
Despite furry loin clothes and boots, plus Ram Man’s skirt, this is a bit better.
With She-Ra, well, here’s the whole kitten-caboodle:
Hello ladies…
Even if you excuse the rainbow for the times, on the episode of She-Ra that I watched, at the start of the show, she emerged from one of the other ladies’ tents after spending the night. Remember, this is pre-Brokeback Mountain, too, but mixed messages are mixed messages for a reason.
WINNER: TIE WITH SLIGHT EDGE TO SHE-RA (NOT TO BE INSENSITIVE, BUT I’LL CHOOSE LESBIANS EVERY TIME)
On MOTU, you have Orko:
“Here’s today’s lesson… if you try to be funny, you’re probably not…”
On POP, you have Madame Razz:
Get it! She has a talking broom! (I don’t get it…)
WINNER: TIE… NEITHER ARE THAT FUNNY
Here are some weird things on He-Man:
They fight by shoving, not punching.
Need more proof?
Who’s this guy?
A dragon wearing a horned helmet?
This takes the cake.
No weird pictures for She-Ra because all that shit’s acceptable.
WINNER: SHE-RA
In every episode of She-Ra, you had to watch extra hard to find Loo-Kee hidden somewhere in a scene:
He hid better than this.
The only thing hiding in episodes of He-Man was common sense.
WINNER: SHE-RA
WINNER: HE-MAN
OVERALL WINNER: HE-MAN
You know how when the team you thought was supposed to be doing fantastic is only doing so-so, it affects your psyche? Well, it’s really doing a number on my subconscious.
My Detroit Tigers are in the midst of getting out of a slump, but somehow, my brain while sleeping didn’t quite have the answer.
Apparently, in my dream state, to break any curse the team must be reeling from can only be broken by making ace pitcher Justin Verlander…
“I don’t like where this is going…”
…out of these:
Well, not just one LEGO guy. Out of many LEGOS.
Aside from having the idea of crafting a LEGO version of #35, I also recall realizing that LEGO has never released any playsets based (pun intended) on baseball. They’ve done other sports before:
Only one of these sports is “real.”
Why not America’s pastime? At least other people have taken up the mantle:
Fuzzy pic for so much work.
Show-off.
Bigger show-off.
Is that a famous park? Yes.
So we’re left with two questions:
SIDEDISCLAIMER: This is a dumb idea I’ve had for a while now. Deal with it. Below you will find A Handful Of Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies. Why am I doing this, you might ask? My answer: education.
One wags, while the other swayze.
Black Dog is an action picture about an ex-con being tricked into smuggling illegal arms. White Dog is a movie starring Kristy McNichol around her ABC School Specialdays, and oh yeah – it’s about a racist dog.
The themes of the films form some kind of mental Mobius strip. Better yet – Ouroboros… the snake that eats its own tail.
Despite nobody having a clue about either sex (sorry Steve Harvey – not all men operate on such basic levels, and sorry to all involved with What Women Want – women never know what they want), these films might as well be science fiction instead of comedies.
SIDENOTE: Speaking of comedies, want a good laugh? Cameron Diaz is making a sequel called What Men Want.
Finis.
I miss the days B4 B9 shit like this was made.
Sure, both are based on board games, but whereas Clue: The Movie was clever, Battleship is sunk by getting handed scrap footage from Transformers 3.
And somewhere in the middle sits The Nanny Diaries.
This one’s just dumb. Moving on…
Prequels, anyone?
Bill Cosby, you weren’t fooling anyone. Nor making them laugh. Not even getting a smile, really…
I figured know I’m not the first to notice this, but are you noticing a trend?
Keep your sights on the bulls-eye…
First, Katniss has her way with the bow and arrow in The Hunger Games, then Hawkeye shows up as a master archer in The Avengers, and finally Princess Merida goes all Robin Hood in Brave. Kinda weird, right? Like Hollywood’s prepping us for Armageddon by developing a fondness for rudimentary varieties of arsenal.
But like I said, I unfortunately was late to the (hunger) game catching that one, so howzabout this Coinkydink or Coinkydonk… the flying vessels the Chitauri use in The Avengers are similar to the flying disks in Masters of the Universe movie:
Sorta…?
What about the Chitauri Leviathan, then? It looked comparable to those Decepticon ships in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, right?
Yeah, this one’s a bit better… let’s go for one more COC!
Remember how it looked for Tony Stark inside the Iron Man suit?
Don’t look so surprised, Mr. Jr.
Do you think they got their idea’s from 1997’s Star Kid?
Spot on, I’d say.
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