JusWondering

JusWondering… Why I Have Zero Interest In “Green Zone”

Posted on by sgottahurt

As I mentioned a couple posts ago, I haven’t been to the theater since Avatar(d).  That’s mostly because of the recent slew of crappy movies (okay, Shutter Island may be an exception, but it’s reviews are certainly polarized).

We are quickly embarking on the spring releases, and one at the top of that list is the Jason Bourne, er, I mean, Matt Damon vehicle, Green Zone.  And I have zero interest in it, but it’s not for the reason you may think.

As for Actor! Matt Damon – I don’t mind him.

  • His role in Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13 bought him a lot of leeway, much like how Kiefer Sutherland did with 24.  I still can’t help but think of this when I look at him:
  • But to his credit, he was awesome in EuroTrip:

So is my problem with screenwriter Brian Helgeland?  Nope.

  • He has a free pass forever because of L.A. Confidential.  Hands down – if I could have written that script, I would have quit writing upon its completion.  And it’s not like I haven’t also enjoyed some of his other works.  Besides, his record is definitely less spotty than competent hacks David Koepp and Eric Roth.

Then it’s director Paul Greengrass, right?  Wrong.

  • I still have not seen Bourne Supremacy and Bourne Ultimatum, but I’ve heard great things about them.  On the other hand, United 93 reeked of propaganda, so I avoided it.  There is a political aspect to Green Zone, but that’s not turning me away.

Then what’s the deal?  Is it the title?  As a matter of fact – yes.

  • It’s not like I have anything against the word green (FYI: it’s also a color).  As a kid, I recall having a giant-sized coloring book about a guy that hated the Incredible Hulk, solely because he was green.  That is not what’s going on with me, even though I do associate green with environmental issues, money, boogers, and the vomiting scene in The Exorcist.

"Matt Damon!"

  • And it’s not like movies with green in the title have been bad: Soylent Green, Green Street Hooligans, The Green Mile, and the upcoming Green Lantern.
  • It all has to deal with 30 Rock, David Schwimmer, and this character:

"Greenzo!"

JusWondering… Why Do Irrational Fears Have To Be Irrational?

Posted on by sgottahurt

The definition of irrational (according to The Free Dictionary):

  • Not endowed with reason
  • Affected by loss of usual or normal mental clarity; incoherent, as from shock
  • Marked by a lack of accord with reason or sound judgment: an irrational dislike

Well I’d like to add one more:

  • Something that makes sense if you really think about it

I’ve made it known before that I have a fair amount of rational fears, but would you believe me if I told you I also have some that would be regarded as irrational?

My complaint about the definition is this:

If any of my irrational fears ever happened, they wouldn’t be irrational anymore; I’m afraid of that happening, thus rendering my fears rational.  Right?

FEAR #1 – That I’ll drive off with the gas pump still in my car.

I leave my engine running, so anything's possible. Including a fire.

FEAR #2 – That I’ll drop my keys in a sewer grate as I walk over it.

Keys please state in my pocket!

FEAR #3 – That I’ll jump over the ledge of a building if I’m on the roof.

Yeah... this one's just crazy...

JusWondering… Criteria To Be A Child Of The 80’s

Posted on by sgottahurt

First off, let me begin by saying this:

Fuck those You might be a Child of the 80’s if… lists.

Now that that’s out of my system, let me explain why I feel that way: they’re pretentious.  All they contain are some moron’s notion of nostalgia.  They’re collections of random “a-ha! remember this!” recollections.  All puff.  No fact.

So today, I shall set out to empirically define what makes someone a Child of the 80’s, and it’s simple.

If you saw this movie at the theater on its first run:

empire_strikes_back_ver1

And you didn’t see this movie on its first run:

Then

you are

a Child of the 80’s.

If you were born between Empire Strikes Back and Back to the Future, or in the Back-to-Back Time Frame, you might believe you’re a Child of the 80’s because you remember crap on those stupid lists, but believe me, you’re not.

I might give you seeing second run E.T. or first run Return of the Jedi at the theater as a marker, but it’s doubtful you remember it.  I know that I saw The Muppet Movie, and I knew its music courtesy of a record we had as kids, but I don’t recall the experience.  This is why I’m not a Child of the 70’s.

Now just as sure as those born between the original releases of Jaws and Empire Strikes Back (The Jaw Strike Time Frame) are certified 80’s Children,  those born between Back to the Future and Home Alone (The Future Doesn’t Bode Well For Macaulay Culkin Time Frame) are Children of the 90’s.

So what does that make those born in The Back-to-Back Time Frame?

"Children of the PG-13's"

JusWondering… Casting The Home Improvement Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

Come on.  It’s inevitable.  We’re reaching the bottom of the fish barrel (in which we like to shoot) when it comes to properties from the 80’s (and earlier).  With The A-Team hitting the big screen this summer, there aren’t too many shows left to adapt.

So what about the 90’s?  They happened like ten years ago, right?

I know television has tried several reboots of 90’s shows (namely 90210 and Melrose Place), and a few programs have made the leap to film (The Simpsons, South Park, Strangers With Candy, The X-Files, Sex and the City… you know, all cartoons).  But there are plenty of hits that scream big screen, and today, I’m going to focus on casting one of them:

Home Improvement: The Movie

  • Tim Taylor – Although Tim Allen isn’t doing much else these days (besides directing Crazy on the Outside and voicing Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 3), this is a reboot of a franchise after all, so who do you go with?  Mr. Reboot incarnate, Chris Pine.

"(Grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)..." because I don't know how to spell the (grunt).

  • Jill Taylor – If you’ve ever watched Attack of the Show on G4, Ms. Olivia Munn has proven time and time again that she’s one tough cookie, just like Jill Taylor.

"Tim, don't even think about touching the dishwasher. Her name is Consuela."

  • Brad, Randy, and Mark Taylor – Who else but the Jonas Brothers?  If Zack & Cody only had another brother…

It's a Disney production, and so are they.

  • Al Borland – Fresh in my mind courtesy of his performance as a CTU agent in 24, Freddie Prinze, Jr. would make a great sidekick.  Just like he does with Sarah Michelle Gellar Jack Bauer.

"I don't think. Tim."

  • Lisa / Heidi (Tool Time Girl) – Rosie Jones.  Google Image Search her.  You’ll understand.

"Forget everybody else. Do you know what time it is?"

  • Wilson Wilson, Jr. – The notoriously hidden Tiger Woods would be great as the vessel of sagely advice.  Plus, he’d introduce diversity into a show that supposedly took place in Detroit.

"Howdy neighbor... by the way, where's Jill?"

BONUS: Preview for Roland Emmerich’s Full House

JusWondering… When’s The Last Time I Paid For Any Of These Things?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It recently occurred to me that I haven’t paid for a few of these things in awhile:

1) PAPER

What's worse - paper cuts or cut-offs? Discuss.

As an almost life-long writer (though you may not be able to tell by the crappiness that is this site), I’ve needed to print up many an item.  This never happens at home.  Or at Kinko’s.  Or at my ma’s.  I will not state where I do my printing, as not to indict myself.

2) BATTERIES

These, I might buy.

Batteries are required for only a few things in my home – my wireless keyboard and mouse, my remote controls, my thermostat, and my Wiimotes.  I don’t buy batteries.  I switch them around as needed (thermostat gets the highest priority ‘natch, followed by the remote controls).  I will not disclose my power source.

3) BLANK RECORDABLE MEDIA

Hey kids! These are fun to put in microwaves!

This is more of a situation dealing with a change in times.  I used to go through blank CD’s like Mountain Dew, until I got my iPod.  And jump drives and portable external hard drives have eliminated my lust for blank DVD’s.  But still, even when I regularly used them, guess what?  I never bought them.

4) “REDACTED”

How'd I miss this pic?

I mean pictures, of course.  I used to have to “take pictures,” but now I can just take pictures.  Geez.  Don’t judge me just because the internet is full of REDACTED.

JusWondering… Have You Been Naughty Or Nice (Or A Nice Combination of Both)?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Well, well, well.  It’s Christmas Day… or Boxing Day Eve for my Canadian neighbors, Friday for all you Socialist, Baby Jesus-h8ing liberals, or Day Two of my extended weekend.

For all of people celebrating the first item in the above short-list, a question commonly posed by (that pagan) Santa Claus goes, “Have you been naughty or have you been nice?”

For those that have been nice, here’s a naughty Alison Brie singing Santa Baby to Santa, the Ghost of Christmas Presents, and an adult Jesus Cowell (h8rs!):

For those of you that have been good, ol’ fashioned naughty, here’s a Krampus gallery:

And because you’ve been especially bad, here’s a video, too:

JusWondering… Is There A V.P. Nominee Curse?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Now don’t get your britches in bunches thinking that this post’s title is about nominating suggestions for AVP (Alien Vs. Predator) type battles (although I’d watch E.T. fight a cougar like Dee Wallace in a cat suit… yowza!)… or that’s there’s some kind of curse associated with either of those cursed movies (or the inevitable third film).

No, this post more or less is about the incident I didn’t hear enough about…

The Sarah Palin Book Signing Tomato Toss.

The Truth - The Myth - The Fantasy

It happened last week at the Mall of America, and it made barely a blimp on the radar (get it – it’s a blimp because it’s bigger than a blip… aaaand it’s full of air).  I would take this as a sign that Sarah’s news-worthiness is Palin‘ (ha!), or that it was really no big deal.  But on the contrary, it’s a continuing trend amongst former Vice Presidential nominees.  To go back to where (I think) it started, let’s look at the losers of the last quarter century, and see how their luck fared after returning to the trenches…

  • Sarah Palin (under John McCain, 2008) – Let’s see… tomatoes, Levi Johnston, quitting as a governor… despite having a book out, seems like she’s on a downward spiral (hopefully)…
  • John Edwards (under John Kerry, 2004) – Okay, so he ran for President in 2008, therefore his post-VP life might not have been that bad – well, if you ignore that whole affair, um, affair…
  • Joe Lieberman (under Al Gore, 2000) – He also ran for President in 2004, but c’mon – it’s Joe Lieberman… He can barely pick out his outfits, let alone a party…
  • Jack Kemp (under Bob Dole, 1996) – Running on the football field (professionally) lead to a seat on Congress…  running as a Vice Presidential nominee lead to the grave (well, it took 13 years)…

Where do I think it all begin?  On a date that lives in infamy funny, June 15, 1992…

Dan Quayle spells “potato” as “P-O-T-A-T-O-E”

Pictured: Ross Perot's Vice Presidential nominee, Admiral James Bond Stockdale, napping after yelling at the kids that threw popcorn on him.

(BONUS: A post on Gawker that looks at the history of food tossing.)

JusWondering… Who Would You Pay $75 To Ask One Question?

Posted on by sgottahurt

 

He's so irreverent!

Director Kevin Smith recently announced he was returning to Detroit for one of his Q&A fests, and tickets in “the good seats” are going for $75.  This increases the chance that you can actually A one Q, but is $75 worth it?  On a lucky day, you might be able to get Smith to respond to an inquiry on Twitter, and that’s free.  Besides, would I even have a question that wouldn’t be embarrassing to ask?

My wondering:

Mr. Smith, do you consider yourself a capable director?  Like, could you ever direct a high-minded, genre piece, worthy of an Academy Award nomination?  (SIDENOTE: I threw in the filler word “like” to simulate a Pulitzer Prize nomination worthy question… y’know, to like make it real.)

This got me wondering… who else would I pay $75 to ask a question?

Barack Obama, Steven Spielberg, George W. Bush, George Lucas?

Sure.  Each one of them would get a humdinger of a wringer”, but who would I pay more than $75 to get to the bottom of things?  Probably just one:

 

She's so irreverent...

My one-part quiz:

Ms. Fey, can I write for your show?  Here’s a sample of my ability, and it happened In My Brain While Sleeping…

 

*Here’s the others:

  • President Obama, do you believe in the Prime Directive?  Is that dictating your actions?
  • Mr. Spielberg, just why?  A refrigerator?  An army of monkeys?  Seriously!
  • President Bush, wanna play some Frogger?
  • Mr. Lucas… will there be Episodes VII through IX, as they could save Star Wars?  Otherwise, fuck you.

JusWondering… Why Do I Want Superpowers For Mediocre Uses?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This idea came about when I was thinking about how I really, really, really, would like a Lightsaber™ only to steal cool street signs.

Funny_street_sign

Hello hilarity, soon to be hanging on my basement wall!

I also might be inclined to use it to put holes in things, but otherwise, that’s all I would use a Lightsaber™ for.  Not for good, not for (truly) evil – only for comedy.

Then it occurred to me that I think the same way in regard to having superpowers.  My reasons to possess them aren’t grand by any means.

1) Flight

meflying

"Here I come to ruin the day!"

I talked about this once before, but I’ll bring it up again.  If I could fly, I’d use it to travel, of course, since it would cut my commute time to work in half!  (I’m still employed with this amazing ability.  Great fantasy.)  But the biggest trick I’d pull would involve me showing off my new talent at the Academy Awards™ while the stars walked the Red Carpet®… you know, just to show them up.

2) Invisibility 

douchexpress

C'mon... he deserves it...

If I could turn as transparent as the Balloon Boy Hoax©, I wouldn’t be hanging out in ladies’ locker rooms (although I might sneak into gym to workout for free if I was so inclined).  I’d use it key douchebags’ cars.  If you’d like to know what I’d take the time to scrape – see above.  Carrie Underwood (Patent Pending) should take notes before the next time he cheats…

3) Indestructibility

Bar fights, natch.  Maybe X-Treme Sports®…You know, just to show douchebags up.

4) Super Strength

I’ve always wanted a steamroller to run over different things.  I suppose I’d do the same (or at least similar) with my own hands.

5) Telekinesis

To be lazy.  From my couch.  Also – my bed.  Maybe the shower.

6) Telepathy

To win arguments.  And ladies’ hearts…

7) Time Travel

I’d go back a few days to post this on time on monkeyBLOGmonkeyDO™.

JusWondering… Can I Jam Pack Many Halloween Posts In One Post? Yes.

Posted on by sgottahurt

Happy Find… Man Up Your Girly Boy This Halloween

Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem.  What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…

 

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake

Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:

 

staircostume

"I'm Rock Bottom."

 

Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One

My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes.  We debuted them last week at my brother’s party.  It was a blast.  The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus.  Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…

 

Musical Musings…  How Do You Kill The Gill Man?

Is this a good song? No.  But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)

(Lyrics available after the jump)

 

Awful Battle… Worst Halloween Costumes

Take your pick of this litter.  And by litter, I mean trash.  Not like litter of puppies or litter of kittens.  (BTW, they all win the Awful Battle.

 

InASense, Lost… This Sex Toy Bites

Ever hear of the Fleshlight?  Well here’s the Succu-Dry.  And it blows.

 

VampireFleshlight

Do Not Vant

 

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?

 

pbmaxtwix

PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...

I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990.  It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday.  (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later.  You can do the math.)

Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone.  A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candy C see).

There were claims that the PB Max didn’t make it because the Mars family hated peanut butter.  But lo and behold, they eventually made and continue to make the spin-off to their double-cookie-bar-covered-in-something-coated-in-chocolate classic.

 

Hibbidy-Wah?! What’s Wrong With This Kid?

 

The Shit To Just Shitty… The Adventure Of It All

Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings?  The night’s supposed to be scary for kids.  It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.

 

Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition

 

optimus

Boxing Match

 

(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)

Read More