Film

JusWondering… Sequels With Lady Problems

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve noticed a trend in sequels to popular films, and it’s one that I consider an exercise in lazy screenwriting.  Heh… exercise… lazy…

Anywheredidshego, where did she go?  To me, the writers couldn’t develop the characters’ relationships further, so they broke them in order to fix them again, to varying degrees of suck-cess.

  • Bill Murray seemed to be with Sigourney Weaver at the end of Ghostbusters, and then she (well, her character Dana) went and had a baby with someone else.
  • Sure, Bruce Willis and Bonnie Bedelia wouldn’t have won couple of the year in Die Hard, but by Die Harder, they seemed to have worked out all their kinks.  In Die Hard with a Vengeance, the kinks won.
  • Orlando and Kiera’s love Bloom-ed, um, Knightley in the first Pirates of the Caribbean.  In the second, they didn’t get married and fought only to draw out a boring plot point for two films.
  • Nick Cage found whatever it was he found in the first National Treasure; Diane Kruger was his booby prize.  Then repeat the above, but place a “2” before the semicolon.
  • The Night at the Museum sequel doesn’t even begin to explain what happened between Carla Gugino and Ben Stiller, just so they could get to (hot?) Amelia Earhart’s doppelgänger, Amy Adams. What is this movie really… Mannequin 3: Skies the Limit?

Actually, I’m going to carry on with my Night at the Museum tirade.  It’s not like he’s Austin Powers or James Bond, picking up new ladies every flick…

Actually again, James Bond has loved Vesper Lynd for two movies so far.  One can imagine that every woman he bangs from here on out would be in an attempt to mask his pain of loving her too much.  He probably would still be with her if she didn’t, you know, die.

So in closing, writers do yourself a favor and imitate the always excellent Transformers series – instead of blowing the relationship up, blow shit up!

This scene could be from either movie.

Musical Musings… Better Lady Than Never

Posted on by sgottahurt

Hey Ladies!

This shit is bananas!  B-A-N-A-N-A-S!  Or at least it’s P-L-A-N-T-A-I-N-S!

From my understanding (which translates to “I just learned this”), Lady Antebellum has been a part of the music scene since 2007, but I’ve only recently heard about the group courtesy of their simple and catchy crossover hit, Need You Now.  The group is composed of Charles Kelley, Dave Haywood, and Hillary Scott (pictured above), which makes the trio’s name no less strange.  It’s two guys and one lady.  And antebellum means pre-war so no further help there.

Like Lady Sovereign before them and Lady Gaga after them, perhaps their moniker was inspired by…

BONUS MUSICAL MUSING: I’ve intended to gripe about this for a while now, but I kept forgetting to.  It’s more shit that is plantains, and I didn’t hear any mention of it anywhere else.  Why was Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl (I’m not linking the video for spite) such a huge deal when Jill Sobule sang about the same thing back in 1995, when it was still sort of taboo?  Nowadays, it’s kind of slutty.

SIDENOTE: I’m not saying I want it to stop.

BONUS NON-MUSICAL MUSING: Cougars grow up to become cat women.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Cookie And Candy Bar (Plus Pop Bottle) Sizes

Posted on by sgottahurt

Either my hands have gotten bigger, or my cookies and candies have gotten smaller.  I should clarify, since I was a kid.  And also, that I’m talking about actual cookies and candies.

Anywhoppers, it appears to me we’re going the way of the Japanese.  Not in terms of soda flavors:

Coming soon: BBQ and Squid

But in the way that they are smaller than our 20 oz. versions and cost a fair amount more.

  • Pepsi Shiso: Introduced only in Japan as a limited edition for Summer 2009, it’s transparent green.  Size: 147 ml can, price: 147 yen.  Also available in 500ml plastic bottles.  Shiso in English is “labiate” or “perilla”. (via Wikipedia)
  • 147 Japanese yen = 1.624497 U.S. dollars
  • 500 ml = 16.9 oz. (which is a size now available in the US)
  • I’m done with the math, but you get it…

Our Twix’s and Chips Ahoy!’s and Milky Way’s and Oreo’s are exponentially shrinking in size maintain a lower price point.  This site details the trend without any additional references, while this site supplies information they acquired from the Hershey Company (I’m highlighting only key moments):

  • 1976 – 1.2 oz… 15 cents
  • 1978 – 1.2 oz… 25 cents
  • 1980 – 1.05 oz… 25 cents
  • 1982 – 1.45 oz… 30 cents
  • 1986 – 1.45 oz… 40 cents
  • 1986 (same year) – 1.65 oz… 40 cents
  • 1995 – 1.55 oz… 50 cents
  • 2003 – 1.55 oz… 80 cents
  • 2007 – 1.45 oz… 79 cents
  • 2010 – 1.55 oz… 95 cents

By this rate, I fear one day all my favorites will be way smaller than I remember, and cost way more than I’d care to pay.

What do they cost on E.T.'s Garden Planet?

Are Reese’s Pieces the sign of the apocalypse? Can they in fact be the proof in the pudding?  (Actually, Reese’s Pieces in vanilla pudding sounds really tasty.)  Let’s have a look…

  • 1.63 oz. bags in 1982
  • 43 g bags in 2010
  • 43 g = 1.51678036 oz.
  • So, I guess not, huh?

Awesome Battle… People I Currently Resemble

Posted on by sgottahurt

Over this weekend, I cleared my scalp and kept my full beard.  These are the select few I’ve been told I resemble, or that I instantly considered my dopplegangers.

To my sister, I took upon the visage of poet Shel Silverstein:

He looks like someone you wouldn't want to meet "Where the Sidewalk Ends"...

To my other sister, Jeff Bridges in his Iron Man baddie-mode, Obadiah Stane:

Can you trust this man? Of course!

To my boss/friend Paul, I became Wooly Willy:

Once upon a time, shredded bits of iron and a magnetic stick was considered fun.

To me, it’s a toss up between these two cartoon characters:

Alex Sector, Agent of M.A.S.K.

D'oh!

ADDENDUM: Speaking of “D’oh!” I forgot to mention that this Matthew McConaughey movie was on TV the day I decided to Bic my noggin:

Van Zan from "Reign of Fire"

Drunken Recollection… DrunkWonderings

Posted on by sgottahurt

While boozing with my fellow booze hounds not to long ago, a few wonderings popped in my head.  These are them (is that proper English or proper drunk-speak?):

1) As a child, I was a fan of the wrong film series.

"I've made a huge mistake."

For most of my life, it’s been Star Wars all the way for me, baby.  And as an (alleged) adult, I’ve paid for it dearly, both figuratively and literally.

  • Figuratively… in the sense that James Bond would have fostered my inner Lothario, as opposed to Luke Skywalker inspiring my inner whiny “hero.”  (Granted, I could have looked to Han Solo, but he didn’t have a lightsaber and couldn’t use the Force.)
  • Literally… in the sense that I spent way too much fucking money on toys in a bid to recapture my lost youth.

On the other hand, if I had idolized Agent 007, I might have lived a life of danger (both in and out of the bedroom), but definitely his love of gadgetry would one day complement mine.

2) I should have picked different friends.

"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"

Some of my friends I’ve known since I was four years old.  And at times I’m left to wonder, what does a kid know?  I already mentioned that I chose to make Luke Skywalker my hero and not James Bond when I was a young ‘un.  The incident that triggered this thought:

  • A friend-that-shall-go-unnamed-(though-he-knows-who-he-is) ran around Hooters getting the entire staff to sign the calendar he purchased for his toddler son.  Although one girl was clever (and inappropriate).  She wrote:

May your dreams be wet, and your diapers stay dry.  (Or something like that.)

  • To be honest, it was the gayest heterosexual thing I’ve ever witnessed.

3) Why does twelve seem like it’s a plural form of twelf, like how it is with pants and pant?

4) If going “number one” and “number two” means what they mean, what would going “number three” on up represent?

BONUS SOBER WONDERING, WHICH I GUESS SHOULD BE A JusWondering:

Why can’t I stop watching this video?

Here’s the shortened version for a maximized quick hit:

JusWondering… Why I Have Zero Interest In “Green Zone”

Posted on by sgottahurt

As I mentioned a couple posts ago, I haven’t been to the theater since Avatar(d).  That’s mostly because of the recent slew of crappy movies (okay, Shutter Island may be an exception, but it’s reviews are certainly polarized).

We are quickly embarking on the spring releases, and one at the top of that list is the Jason Bourne, er, I mean, Matt Damon vehicle, Green Zone.  And I have zero interest in it, but it’s not for the reason you may think.

As for Actor! Matt Damon – I don’t mind him.

  • His role in Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13 bought him a lot of leeway, much like how Kiefer Sutherland did with 24.  I still can’t help but think of this when I look at him:
  • But to his credit, he was awesome in EuroTrip:

So is my problem with screenwriter Brian Helgeland?  Nope.

  • He has a free pass forever because of L.A. Confidential.  Hands down – if I could have written that script, I would have quit writing upon its completion.  And it’s not like I haven’t also enjoyed some of his other works.  Besides, his record is definitely less spotty than competent hacks David Koepp and Eric Roth.

Then it’s director Paul Greengrass, right?  Wrong.

  • I still have not seen Bourne Supremacy and Bourne Ultimatum, but I’ve heard great things about them.  On the other hand, United 93 reeked of propaganda, so I avoided it.  There is a political aspect to Green Zone, but that’s not turning me away.

Then what’s the deal?  Is it the title?  As a matter of fact – yes.

  • It’s not like I have anything against the word green (FYI: it’s also a color).  As a kid, I recall having a giant-sized coloring book about a guy that hated the Incredible Hulk, solely because he was green.  That is not what’s going on with me, even though I do associate green with environmental issues, money, boogers, and the vomiting scene in The Exorcist.

"Matt Damon!"

  • And it’s not like movies with green in the title have been bad: Soylent Green, Green Street Hooligans, The Green Mile, and the upcoming Green Lantern.
  • It all has to deal with 30 Rock, David Schwimmer, and this character:

"Greenzo!"

Awful Battle… Dongs On Film

Posted on by sgottahurt

They appear to be well-hung, I mean, done.

SIDENOTE: Chalk this post up to one I wish I never started, but finished because I did.

We’re two months in and I’ve yet been to the theater this year.  Well, I’ve seen Avatar (ick), but I don’t remember if I saw that in the last two weeks of the last decade or not.  (I double-checked my credit card statement; I saw it December 27th.)

Anywang, I’m blaming my absence at the cinema on something other than the lack of exciting flicks that have been released so far.  I’m pointing my finger (not literally) at phallophobia.  Or in layman’s terms – the fear of dongs.

2009 was a banner year for weenies popping up in movies, so to speak.  With the trend moving towards 3D films, I hope the two never shall meat, er, I mean, meet.

Here’s a list I’ve compiled from other lists (Amazon, Salon, Slate), and I take most of them at their word.  Some of these are Peters I’ve met, and some are Dicks I hope to avoid.

  • 1980 – Blue Lagoon / Christopher Atkins
  • 1980 – American Gigolo / Richard Gere
  • 1983 – Breathless / Richard Gere
  • 1991 – At Play in the Fields of the Lord / Tom Berenger
  • 1992 – The Crying Game / Jaye Davidson
  • 1992 – Bad Lieutenant / Harvey Keitel
  • 1993 – The Piano / Harvey Kietel
  • 1994 – Color of Night / Bruce Willis
  • 1996 – The Pillow Book (and Trainspotting) / Ewan McGregor
  • 1997 – Boogie Nights / Mark Wahlberg (sort of)
  • 1998 – Wild Things / Kevin Bacon
  • 1998 – Velvet Goldmine / Ewan McGregor
  • 2001 – Super Troopers / Kevin Heffernan
  • 2003 – Young Adam / Ewan McGregor (again!)
  • 2003 – Brown Bunny / Vincent Gallo
  • 2004 – Sideways / M.C. Gainey
  • 2004 – Kinsey / Peter Sarsgaard
  • 2006 – Borat / Sacha Baron Cohen, in photo (?) and censored hotel battle
  • 2007 – Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story / Unknown and don’t care to
  • 2007 – Eastern Promises / Viggo Mortensen
  • 2007 – The Simpsons Movie / Bart Simpson
  • 2008 – Forgetting Sarah Marshall / Jason Segel
  • 2009 – Bruno / Sacha Baron Cohen (was it his talking Johnson?)
  • 2009 – Watchmen / Dr. Manhattan
  • 2009 – Observe and Report / The Flasher, also don’t care to know more
  • 2009 – The Hangover / Ken Jeong, and perhaps Zach Galifianakis

In closing, I fear this may be the most comprehensive list of filmed penises on the web, and for that reason alone it was a truly Awful Battle.

If only there was a site that detailed all the female nudity out there…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… We Are The World

Posted on by sgottahurt

Just like (almost*) all remakes, We Are the World doesn’t even hold a candle to the original.  The thrill of all those superstars getting together for a great cause was unprecedented… at least for 1985.  No one seemed to be involved for the face time or the advancement of their careers because they already had plenty of face time and stable careers.

Soloists from the 1985 version (known as USA for Africa):

Not one of them (not even Kim Carnes, who had previously won two Grammy’s for Bette Davis Eyes) was an obscure artist.  Sure, chorus had its odd inclusions (Dan Aykroyd and Bette Midler par exemple), but the overall tone of the arrangement felt sincere.  Especially since Madonna wasn’t any part of it.

LINGERING QUESTION: Why didn’t Smokey Robinson get a solo part?

Now before ripping, um, getting into the new Artists for Haiti version, I must give pause to ponder: are my feelings based in nostalgia (which is like an underage female robot), or in actual taste?  Has the concept of this type of project been tainted by the likes of Voices that Care, I’m Fucking Ben Affleck, 30 Rock’s Kidney Now, and Huey Lewis’ I Am the World (videos below)?  Or am I simply jaded?

Without further ado, ugh, We Are the World 25 for Haiti (skip to the 1:12 mark to get around the egomaniac that is Jamie Foxx):

Could you make it through the entire thing?  You’re a brave soul indeed.  Now I can’t really fault or knock the intentions or the cause, but here are some things that I can knock:

  • Who the fuck is Justin Baby Bieber and why the fuck is he taking Lionel Richie’s spot?  Oh, he’s a YouTube star?  My bad.  (*wanking motion*)
  • A Pussycat Doll?  Srsly?
  • Academy Award-winning, non-American Idol-winning Jennifer Hudson can sing.  That’s for sure, but compared to the grouping above (save poor Kim Carnes), is she that big of a star?  (I was being figurative, no pun intended… even though I love puns.)
  • Even though I didn’t know who Jennifer Nettles was, I found out she’s from Sugarland.  I know think they’re a popular country band, so she earns her Kenny Rogers card.
  • The next stretch I can approve of: Tony Bennett, Janet Jackson, and Barbra Streisand. My only problem (besides the reused MJ footage) is it feels like foot-stomping.  (Foot-stomping = “Wah!  I didn’t get my turn!”)
  • Josh Groban and Mary J. Blige are welcome parties, but their presence (see what I did there?) reminded me of their comedy appearances below.
  • Fuck Miley Cyrus.  I don’t mean literally, of course.  Because she’s underage (and maybe a robot).
  • Enrique Iglesias has been around awhile, has family credentials, and brings a Latin flair, so okay.
  • Jamie Foxx simply leaves a bad taste in my mouth, er, ears, or whatever with his Ray Charles impression, so fuck him.
  • Another deserved stretch: Wyclef Jean, Adam Levine (of Maroon 5), Pink, BeBe Winans, Usher, Celine Dion, Fergie, and Toni Braxton, with passes for Mary Mary (gospel singers) and Isaac Slade (of The Fray).

This is when it turns Just Shitty:

In closing:

  • Why is the Pussycat Doll shown so much?
  • Why weren’t these artists given solos over some of the others: Gladys Knight, Natalie Cole, Faith Evans, or Rob Thomas (amongst others in the chorus)?
  • Srsly, why is the Pussycat Doll shown so much?
  • Why did Paul Haggis have to direct this?  And why couldn’t he get the core soloists together like in the original?
  • What is Wyclef saying at the end of the song?  Unity?  Piety?  R.U.T.?
  • And I just can’t shake the feeling that all these people have the same agent…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

*Dawn of the Dead and The Hills Have Eyes were decent remakes.

A Handful Of… Flicks I Loathe Admitting I Like

Posted on by sgottahurt

Another day, another new category.  I’ve wanted to do a list-type post for a while now, but how many should be on it?  How about a handful?  

Today’s list isn’t composed of films I’d call guilty pleasures.  No… embarrassing pleasures might be more accurate.  These are all films I’d love to recommend, but I’m afraid of what you’d think of me.  

Let’s start with the obvious ones (for people who know me):  

  

The Notebook  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: The love story in the past is contrived, sure… boy meets girl, mom disapproves of boy, girl breaks it off, boy goes to war, girl gets engaged to another boy, boy fixes house and wins girl back.  But for me, it’s the frame story that makes the entire film work.  And the ending?  Blubbering fool = me.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: Didn’t you read what I just wrote?  

  

Bridge to Terabithia  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: I never read the children’s book it was based on so the movie’s ending shocked me.  Once again, blubbering fool = me.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: It’s based on a children’s book.  And the blubbering fool part.  

A Boy and His Dog  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: It’s weird.  The basic concept?  In the post-apocalyptic future, a boy and his telepathic dog hunt for food and women for the boy to bang.  Seriously.  It’s like a tripped out Alice in Wonderland, except not at all.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: It’s weird.  And did you see the film’s tagline?  “A rather kinky tale of survival.”  Yeah.  

  

Chronicles of Riddick  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: It tries to be exciting, inventive sci-fi.  It really does.  And to be honest, I find it more creative than Avatar.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: It’s a Vin Diesel movie.  And it doesn’t try hard enough.  Necromongers?  Underverse?  Conan the Barbarian ripoff ending?  Well, that was kind of cool.  It’s just that I usually ridicule my friend Jay for liking these type of crappy movies (Starship Troopers, Battlefield Earth, Stargate), and I can’t rip on him for this one.  Well, I do, but hypocritically.  

  

A League of Their Own  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: It’s funny, it’s heartfelt, and it contains one of Tom Hanks sincerest performances.  Even Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell fail to annoy me.  Plus, Madonna’s This Used to Be My Playground is (arguably) a touching ballad.  And if you have siblings, how can you not relate to the story of competitive sisters?  Oh, and one more thing (I’m beginning to see a pattern here)… the ending turns me into a blubbering fool.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: Do I really need to go into it?  

  

Hostel  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: What are all good horror stories essentially about?  Their cautionary tales.  The 80’s slasher flicks prayed upon this idea like fat kids and ice cream.  What did they teach?  If you have sex – you’re gonna die.  If you do drugs – you’re die.  This film merely upped the ante in those departments, and added an international relations angle.  If you’re a boorish American in a foreign country – you’re gonna die.  Plus, this movie made me apprehensive about travelling abroad (I’ve since gotten over the fear by visiting Amsterdam and surviving being a boorish American).  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: It’s a gross (and boorish) film.  

  

Nightmare Man  

THE REASON I LIKE IT: It’s an odd mixture of the schlocky Italian giallo and the raunchy American slasher.  It really feels like two movies overlapped into one cohesive and oddly entertaining film.  

THE REASON I LOATHE ADMITTING THAT: Four words –  invisible demon rape scene.  

Not pictured: Nightmare Man... because alas, I do not own it.

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Nerd Abbreviations Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

What came first: the soda or the code?

Ladies and gentlemen – neither of which read this blog… it is my honor and duty (I wrote on-her and doody, heh heh) to present this new category: 

So, Duh! Pop Quiz

Today’s installment is a simple one (hence the So, Duh! aspect), and nothing like the query in the above photo. 

SIDENOTE: Slurm is a soda-ish beverage in the TV show Futurama, but it also stands for Simple Linux Utility Resource Management.  The episode originally aired in 1999; the open-source manager (whatever that means) was developed in 2003.  This could be fodder for a Coinkydink or Coinkydonk?  Probably not… 

AnyWHO, the following abbreviations (or acronyms if you want to be super-nerdy about it) have no hold on the real World Health Organization.  They may have a hold on the WOW, though… 

1). Which of the following was not a TV series in this sci-fi series: 

    a) TOS
    b) TAS
    c) TPM
    d) TNG

2). Which of the following animated series from the 80’s was never a movie: 

    a) MASK
    b) TMNT
    c) BTTF
    d) MOTU

3). ROTF is to MTMTE as TROC is to : 

    a) SPAM
    b) NCIS
    c) LARP
    d) ARAH

4). ROTK is to FOTR as ROTJ is to: 

    a) ANH
    b) TPM
    c) a case could be made for either a) or b)
    d) none of the above

5). What pairs have the most in common: 

    a) BSG and BTVS
    b) SMB and LOZ 
    c) AVP and HPATCOS
    d) MMPR and SGU

 

    Linux Penguin and Slurms McKenzie chillin’…

(This quiz translated with italicized answers after the jump) Read More