When I awakened from this subconscious adventure, I was left with echoes of one question:
Where the fuck did this dream come from?
The star of this nocturnal transmission:
Babs, Ever The Stalwart (not an anagram, but it looks like one)
I don’t watch The View, but I’m constantly aware of it. If it’s not featured on some random website, then Joe McHale skewers it somehow on The Soup. But I watch that show on Wednesdays. I didn’t have this dream anywhere near Wednesday…
Anybabawahwah, I should at least be flattered by my subconscious. It was her birthday and she was hosting a party, The 50 Most Invited People. I was one of the 50 most invited.
But so was one of my nondescript associates (it was someone I knew, but I don’t know who). This person’s idea for a birthday present was to buy her scratch off lottery tickets. This person’s reasoning:
You know, it’s a gift that could keep on giving.
I was wracking my brain while sleeping. What do you get a woman like Barbara Walters for her birthday?
Then it hit me – donate to her favorite charity in her honor. What was her favorite charity, you ask?
There is one song on this The Shit To Just Shitty list that was its inspiration. It’s not inspiring by any means… it simply got me thinking.
So here’s my ranking of Songs About New York that I like, and how I really feel about them.
(SIDENOTE: The reason I’m writing about songs I like is because (1) it’s my blog, and (2) there are a lot of songs about New York, New York… sorry Frank. Not one of my faves.)
THE SHIT
Jay-Z and Alicia Keys kill it with Empire State of Mind, and in my opinion, it captures the essence of being in the Big Apple. But the main reason this song is ranked so high is simple – this is the apology for most of the rest of the list. Oh yeah. Plus, street cred.
THE SHIT AROUND THE HOLIDAYS
The Pogues and Kirsty McColl’ Fairytale of New York is one of the most emotional Christmas songs I’ve ever heard. It’s also fairly depressing. Nonetheless, it’s great.
THE SHIT FOR BEING FROM THE 70’s
Billy Joel’s New York State of Mind wasn’t a hit when it came out in 1976, and that’s a shame. One of his best.
Simon and Garfunkel’s Only Living Boy in New York is one of those songs that you know is good… but damn it to hell when it gets stuck in your head.
CRAPPY IF NOT IN THE MOOD FOR
How is Suzanne Vega’s Tom’s Diner a song about New York?
Seinfeld anyone?
CRAPPY EVEN IF IN THE MOOD FOR
The Wallflowers’ 6th Avenue Heartache is not One Headlight, but I won’t hold it against it. (I really like One Headlight.)
KINDA SHITTY
Here’s where the list really takes a turn for the worse. Remember Disney’s Oliver and Company? How about Huey Lewis’s Once Upon a Time in New York City? Sorry for reminding you.
REALLY SHITTY
So wait… this isn’t the worst song on the list? A tune from (another) Disney film no one saw, Newsies, is on my radar for songs about NYC. What could be worse?
JUST SHITTY
The inspiration for this post: Arthur’s Theme by Christopher Cross. That’s the best that I could do? You betcha.
I believe Nicki Minaj is trying to drive me insane. Or at least make me feel like a Stupid Hoe:
I find the strangest allusion (in the midst of strange illusions) to be this:
Nicki Minaj meets Lily Tomlin meets Big Chair
A reference to Edith Ann? Is that because Edith Ann was an alter-ego character of LilyTomlin, and Nicki Minaj also has a character an alter-ego that goes by the name of Roman Zolanski? Also, is Nicki Minaj possessed? Am I going to keep asking questions?
What’s that old saying? Time heals all wounds. Well, time might not heal all, but it sure can heal some.
Over the weekend, I went to the show to see the re-issue of Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D, and you know what? It wasn’t as bad as I remembered, and here’s why:
1) It has two of the best characters in all the prequel story lines.
Darth Maul and Qui-Gon Jinn, which translates to "Half Slice" and "Hole in Chest"
I always maintained that Liam Neeson brought a gravity to the Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn that Ewan McGregor never could to his Obi-Wan Kenobi. I still don’t know if it’s his size, voice, or demeanor, but when Qui-Gon defies the Jedi Council to stand by his belief that Anakin is The Chosen One, his conviction is convincing. Everything in the Star Wars universe we know and love hinges on his gut feelings, and we buy (and buy and buy) into it, too.
As for Darth Maul – once a bad-ass, always a bad-ass… until he falls down a pit like other fan favorite, Boba Fett.
2) Jake Lloyd is a much more tolerable Actor! than Hayden Christensen.
If he says "wizards" one more time!
Notice I didn’t say “better.” He’s a kid, for Yoda’s sake. What am I gonna do? Ridicule him like how… he… will… eventually… kill a bunch of Padawans? I also think this video existing helps his situation:
3) Jar Jar Binks wasn’t as jarring.
He's wearing Pajarjars.
I’ve come to Jar Jar Binks’ defense before (or at least George Lucas’ decision to include him), so it was no big surprise to me that this time around, he hardly annoyed me. That’s probably because he was a big surprise in the first place, much like the Midi-chlorian debacle (which was nowadays just as negligible).
4) Were there more practical effects and sets in Episode I?
Seemed like it to me. To all you non-film school students, practical effects means “it’s really there.” Episode II and III relied heavily on CGI, whereas this one went partially old-school, and the look of the film benefits greatly. Palpatine’s senate office looks real when he’s in it; Anakin’s Podracer and Naboo Starfighter look real when he’s in them.
There was an article I read (that I don’t feel like looking for) that stated mixing CGI and practical effects tricks the mind much better. That’s why Jurassic Park’s dinosaurs were so convincing for early CGI. It even explains why RayHarryhausen’s clay figures can mess with us – they really exist.
Now I’m not knocking CGI in lieu of practical effects either, and here’s proof:
"There is no try... only do-over."
(For the flip side of this Silver Lining, check out this article on Time Magazine’s site.)
I love bad films; I love good films. For this Unofficial Trilogy, it’s about as hot and cold as it gets. Let’s jump into the premises, and you can determine which is which:
A travelling carnival has reached the end of the line. Nobody’s visiting anymore, and the tiger trainer – which used to be the big draw – is an abusive alcoholic. Low and behold, the magician’s chimp – Alexander the Great – can talk, but he’s been keeping it under wraps. Once word gets out, the carnival becomes a success, at what expense? The drunk tiger trainer’s girlfriend’s safety? The carnival owner’s daughter’s virginity? Alexander the Great’s life? All of the above in this children’s film.
Oh yeah, and this eventually happened to the director, Al Adamson (via Wikipedia):
Al Adamson was reported missing in 1995. Five weeks later, after law enforcement officials discovered his remains beneath the concrete and tile-covered whirlpool bath in his newly remodeled bathroom, his live-in contractor Fred Fulford was apprehended… He was charged with and convicted of murder, and sentenced to twenty-five-years-to-life in prison.
The young daughter of an American movie star (Jennifer Connelly in her first major role) is sent to an all-girls school in Switzerland, and there’s a killer stalking the students. That’s the boring part! For some reason, Jennifer (that’s also the character’s name) can communicate with insects, and they become like the Watson to her Sherlock (that’s how her scientist friend puts it). As for the ape – the less you know about him, the better.
(SIDENOTE: This film was known as Creepers when it was released in the US. Oh yeah… it’s originally Italian.)
Jeepers, where'd you get that chewed up, mangled peeper?
We all should know about this one, and if you don’t, I won’t spoil it. The worst thing about this film is that it wasn’t nominated as on the ten Best Picture Oscars, especially when only nine were chosen. I thought this was the most surprisingly good film I saw last year. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close gets nominated?! Please. more like Extremely Dull & Incredibly Pretentious…
I’m a late entry fan to hockey and the NHL. But having said that, I’ve been a fan since 1995. Since then, I’ve been aware of Wayne Grezky and his status as The Great One, but I never witnessed any of the feats he performed to attain such an acknowledgement.
(SIDENOTE: Much to my chagrin, the same thing goes for Barry Sanders. I’ve only started following the NFL since 2006…)
Anywayne, add to my disappointment that I didn’t know The Great One had a 22-year-old daughter that had a predilection to post provocative pictures of herself on Twitter. And if G.I. Joe taught me anything, knowing is half the battle. (However, it did not teach me not to drink before playing soccer.)
Here are some pictures of Paulina Gretzky in case you too were iced out (sadly, The Great one has since made her quit using Twitter… talk about a slap shot):
She did not borrow those glasses from any officials, I'm telling you...
And unlike how I didn’t see The Lion King when it was re-released last summer in 3D, I went and saw Beauty and the Beast in 3D. And it was worth it. And I’m probably going to see Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D because of it. And I’ll explain why. (And stop using “and” to begin sentences…)
Beautiful and the Beastly
Beauty in the Beast is twenty-one years old. It can legally drink, and that’s crazy.
While watching it, at least for the first few minutes, I felt an odd mixture of two reactions:
That increasingly familiar optical adjustment to 3D images
And geez, cell animation sure can be sloppy
I noticed a few occurrences in the movie that seemed strange by today’s “family standards”…
They showed Gaston kill a duck.
They showed not one – but two – men in their boxers.
The village girls had quite the buxom bosoms.
Have I been trained to be that politically correct?
Another thing I realized in re-watching the first animated film to ever be nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars (when there were only five nominations) was that they showed blood (when Gaston stabbed The Beast). Pixar’s Up would be the next film to be nominated for Best Picture, and that too had some bloodshed (when Carl hit a construction worker in the head).
(SIDENOTE: Toy Story 3 is the third film to be nominated for Best Picture. No bloodshed, but do toy guts count?)
So onto why I would bother seeing The Phantom Menace in 3D…
It’s pretty weird that Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, and Janet Jackson all happen to be in ads for Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and NutriSystem respectively. I wonder which one inspired the remainder of the campaigns (Coinkydonk), or did they all happen to happen at the same time (Coinkydink)?
(SIDENOTE: It’s no Coinkydink that Mariah’s is the most annoying commercial of all time.)
BUT WAIT! These musical divas aren’t the only ones chiming in.
You also have Charles Barkley (for Weight Watchers) and Terry Bradshaw (for NutriSystem):
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 