Worth 1002 Words… My Next Haircut Edition

Hakuna Mawutdafuka

Some alternates:

  • The Lorass
  • Lion Ring
  • Mane Event
  • Receding Hairlion

(I must stop there because everything will be “lion” puns… And I’m not lion!)

The Silver Lining… #4 Was #1 On Oscar Night!

The 84th Annual Academy Awards occurred last night, and as the infamous they say:

 Oh boy, did the stars come out!

But I noticed one thing that I’m sure ABC the Network wasn’t too happy about… there were a lot of NBC stars there!  Current ones!

Aside from someone obvious, like Alec Baldwin of 30 Rock (he was at the one of the special events… I think the one Oprah won at), you had plenty of Thursday night’s Must See TV Comedy Night Done Right:

Although they weren’t nominated for anything, Tina Fey of 30 RockEllie Kemper of The Office, and Maya Rudolph of Up All Night were there as presenters, and:

Oh boy, did they represent!

Three funny ladies in three serious dresses. Did they all go to posing school together?

Then when it came to Oscar nominations, you had Kristen Wiig of Saturday Night Live who was up for Best Original Screenplay:

Her "Bridesmaids" script had pooping in sinks! Oscar nod!

And then the big winner was Jim Nash of Community.  He won Best Adapted Screenplay for The Descendants:

He's the bald one mocking Angelina Jolie's earlier pose.

The best part is this is how he usually appears on Community as Dean Pelton:

These are just the tip of the Oscar's bald head!

So what does this mean ultimately?  NBC is consistently in last place of the four major networks, but they had the best showing at the Oscars.  That’s a sign of the massive amount of talent found there that dumb audiences aren’t finding!

CBS, which is in first, had only one star present… the Best Supporting Actress-nominated Melissa McCarthy of Mike & Molly:

She was hilarious on SNL, but I've never seen her show.

But she was in the movie written by  SNL  star, Wiig!

In closing, here’s what NBC’s owner, Comcast, might be saying:

Oh boy!  Oh boy!  Oh boy!

This is what I’m saying:

Oh boy, Community should be sitting pretty for a while now!

The 2nd Annual Academy Awards Cage Match

This is the second cage match, you might ask?  (You shouldn’t be surprised about the annual aspect.)  Well, this is follow-up post – the first one never was published on this site (I forget where it was published).

Anyacademy, this is how this how thing goes…

Forget talent.  Forget skill.  For the 84th Academy Awards, the winners will be determined by who comes out of the Oscar Octagon alive.  At least, that’s how the winners are determined on this site.  I was of going to make pictures for all of the Acting! categories, but I realized, I didn’t really care about the Best Supporting nominees enough.  But you’ll still get to hear the winners!

Best Actress in a Supporting Role Winner

The five nominees in this category are from four movies.  How will this turn out?

Standing in five of the eight corners, the ladies size each other up.  Janet McTeer of Albert Nobbs is the obvious first target, because who the hell is she?  Bérénice Bejo of The Artist climbs the cage wall to flee because she’s (don’t say it) black and white.  Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer were both in The Help, and without a saying a word, they stand beside each other.  They brush past the meekish McTeer to take on the tough-as-acrylic-nails Melissa McCarthy together.  McCarthy, a student of the comedic pratfall, drops to the ground to avoid their blows, and with a few deft leg sweeps, takes down her attackers, leaving only McTeer who remains motionless.  Unwilling to battle without provocation, McCarthy turns away, raising her arms in victory.  Finally, McTeer unveils an umbrella, ready to strike.  Like a ninja, McCarthy sidesteps the swing, and with a quick jab, McTeer drops.

Melissa McCarthy wins!

Best Actor in a Supporting Role Winner

There’s only one youngster in this group.  Will he rise to the top?

Fresh from his role in Warrior, which is about cage fighting, Nick Nolte convinces Kenneth Branagh of My Week With Marilyn and Jonah Hill of Moneyball to let Christopher Plummer of Beginners and Max von Sydow of Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close be warriors first.  (He thinks that they’re brothers like in his movie because they’re both old… and he’s crazy.)  Perturbed over this notion, the pair turn on Nolte.  All three men tear off their shirts and thrown down, bare-knuckled and bare-chested.  Branagh and Hill stand back in awe, watching men be men beating men.  Hit after landed hit, sweat and blood and no tears, the fight lasts eight hours.  All three lean their heads on each others’ shoulders in a circle, holding one another up, occasionally giving and taking gut punches.  Bored with what’s transpired and perspired, Branagh rises from his seated position and he kicks the group over like the octagon was Sparta.  Hill hurries to retaliate in defense of the elder warriors, and in turn takes Branagh’s elbow to his jaw.  Hill slides across the floor.  Ever the Shakespearean dramatist, Branagh declares – “I directed motherfucking Thor!”

Kenneth Branagh wins!

Best Actress in a Leading Role Winner

Three of these characters were characters in real-life.  Are the fictional ones in for a reality check?

Michelle Williams plays Marilyn Monroe in My Week With Marilyn, Meryl Streep plays Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, and Glenn Close plays Albert Nobbs in some movie, and because their such Actors!, they remain in character throughout.  Inspired by their conviction, Rooney Mara decides to be her bad-ass self from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, but Viola Davis refuses to  reprise her maid role in The Help.  Her reason – “When this is through, I’m not the one who’s going to need… The Help.”  Apparently Mara only plays tough – she is the first to fall at the mighty fist of Streep.  Her response – “Iron beats dragon every time.”  Davis adroitly moves about the octagon, squaring up against Close dressed as a man.  “I would never hit a lady,” Close retorts.  “Luckily, you’re no lady.”  Unfortunately for Close, she’s only quick with her insults.  Davis easily ducks her swing, and she shifts Close into a shoulder lift.  In the voice of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi, Davis declares, “No Oscar for you!” as she throws Close to the ground.  Taking advantage of her distraction, Streep clothes-lines Davis.  Knocked down but not out, Davis returns to her feet.  The pair stares at each other, waiting for the others next move.  It should be mentioned that Williams has been giggling nervously in the corner throughout all this.  Davis finally lunges at Streep, and Streep knocks her out with one punch.  “Seventeen,” Streep says… at first.  Then – “I am Iron Lady!”  The Academy takes Williams incessant giggling as a sign of resignation.

Meryl Streep wins!

Best Actor in a Leading Role Winner

This group of gentlemen includes two best friends.  Will friend become foe?

Surprise, surprise.  The always chill George Clooney of The Descendants and Brad Pitt of Moneyball invite the group out for beers.  Everyone else declines, so they take off on their own, leaving Gary Oldman  of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Demián Bichir of A Better Life, and Jean Dujardin of The Artist a chance to fight for the Oscar themselves.  After another moment of consideration, Oldman bows out, saying, “This is bullocks.”  He catches up with Clooney and Pitt.  Fearing that he might appear like he’s some sort of Hollywood outsider, Bichir opts for boozing with the boys and resigns, leaving Dujardin behind, climbing the fence.  (Get it?  He was running away!  He doesn’t like to fight… because he’s (don’t say it) black and white!)

Jean Dujardin wins!

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? L.I.B.E.R.A.L. Borrowing (Strikes Again!)

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to combat liberal borrowing.  (Definition here.)  But this one goes deeper than you’d think (that’s not a preview pun)…

Have you ever heard of this song by João Brasil (featuring Lovefoxxx)?

As you have seen/heard, it’s called L.O.V.E. Banana.  Sound familiar?  (This post might even give you déjà vu.)

Madonna one-ups João Brasil by featuring two additional singers (I guess she two-ups him) – Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. (whom the kids nowadays L.U.V.)…

Anychiquita, did João Brasil find his inspiration somewhere else?

So did it happen on accident (Coinkydink?) or on purpose (Coinkydonk?)…

Either way, that shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Musical Musings… Some Lame Lame Songs

My cousin Steve sent me an email a while back in which he told me to watch a certain video.  He didn’t provide any context, or drinking game rules.  It was Joe Nichols’ If Nobody Believed In You.  Check it out for yourself:

So as I watched, I wondered what my cousin was trying to showcase.  The creepy guy watching a kid’s ballgame all alone?  The creepy guy staring down a downtrodden old man?  Was Heath Ledger pulling off a Tupac/Makaveli life-after-death reinvention?

Then I realized what he was trying to tell me – this song and video were lame.

A few other songs have popped back into my life lately that are just as – if not more – lame.  And I listen to a bunch of lame music as it is.  But instead of the sappy and maudlin I’d usually reserve for the designation lame, these are sort of well-written sappy and maudlin lame songs.

  • Soul Asylum – Misery

For some reason, my boss/friend Paul started singing this around the office, and dammit if it didn’t get stuck in my head.  He does this to me often since I’m very susceptible to earworms.  But this song is flat-out awful, despite lyrics like this:

They say misery
Loves company
We could start a company
And make misery

  • Heart – All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You

This I heard on the way to school.  (Yes, I’m back in school continuing education.)  I knew it better than I cared to remember.  Sample lyrics belted quite believably by Ann Wilson:

I said, here is the flower, here is the seed
We walked in the garden, we planted a tree
Now, don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there

  • Debby Boone – You Light Up My Life

This seems like an easy one to pick on, but it was just featured in an episode of Raising Hope.  This is probably the queen of lame songs, and the list could go on and on from everything that followed this light-ning rod of goody-two-shoes-ness (as opposed to goody-three-shoes?)…

You know the lyrics:

A Handful Of… Collections Of Remakes

Is music made of paper?

Is music made of plastic?

Is music made of glas– okay, I’m not going to go on with this forever.

What I’m basically getting at is this: why do we recycle music?  I meant to write about this when Muppets: The Green Album came out, but I had better things to write about then, like this or this.

So now that the movie is coming out on DVD (or Blu-Ray… pick your poison), I feel it’s timely again… to share the CD’s in my collection that are collections of remakes.  I will rate them on a scale of up to five recycled Kermits, for no real reason.

Muppets: The Green Album

Keep it green. Recycle.

3 out of 5

This album made me realize I’m not as big of a Muppets fan as I thought.  I’m a fan of The Muppets Movie and its soundtrack – but not as much else.  And that made me sad.  Or should I say, blue.  Moving right along…

Honeymoon in Vegas Soundtrack

Rock N' Repeat

5 out of 5

I really liked this album, but then again, it was back when I had it on cassette.  It made me appreciate Elvis Presley a bit more than I did before, though, so there’s that hunk of burning knowledge for ya!

I Am Sam Soundtrack

I Am Sam I Am

4 out of 5

The same things goes with this collection of The Beatles remakes.  I wasn’t sure I liked much of what they did prior to hearing these retreads, but my perspective changed.  Why only four out five recycled Kermits, you wonder?  Have you seen I Am Sam?

Saturday Morning Cartoons Greatest Hits

Saturday Morning Reruns

2.5 out of 5

I maybe listened to this CD in its entirety thrice, but that was mostly because the CD player I had at the time wasn’t the best.  I really liked Sponge and Sublime back then, which is why I bought it.  Maybe I shouldn’t have given it two-and-a-half recycled Kermits

The Duran Duran Tribute Album

The band's name is a repeat.

1 out of 5

I’m not even particularly fond of Duran Duran, so why did I purchase this?  Oh yeah.  Goldfinger, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, Gob…

JusWondering… Why Do I Hate These Commercials So?

Luckily, I have a DVR.  But sometimes, I catch commercials anyway.  These two drive me up the wall when I see them.  I’ll try to explain why in a minute:

Wanna know the simplest reason?  They’re not marketed to me.  Not in the slightest.

The Citi Thank You Premier credit card spot called Accessories plays up the angle that women usually buy things like belts, nylons, and shoes… except in this case, these “accessories” are climbing gear.  And the “rock” she wants isn’t in a ring – it’s in a canyon.  You might think the unconventional lady stuff is what annoys me, but it’s not.  It’s the rock climbing!  I don’t see the purpose!  She gets to the top, and then what?  You climb back down?  No Thank YouCiti.

As for the iPhone campaign, sometimes they hit.  This teen-targeted one is a miss.  To begin, I hate Siri.  She’s virtual and virtually useless.  To continue, when the kid says “I got to get a guitar,” Siri pulls up this screen:

First surprise - Siri worked?!

Where in the world are there twelve musical stores that close to you?!  Call this one rock bottom.

(SIDENOTE: Here’s a crazy Reese’s Pieces advertisement in the style of crazy Skittles commercials that erases the above two migraine-inducers…)

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… My Greatest Scam Yet

If I had a blog the TripleDoubleU existed back in 1986, I might have written this post.  I guess it could have been an entry in the journal I had to write in the fifth grade…

Growing up, my sisters and I rarely played together with the same toys.  If we did mix up our stories, my action figures paid a visit to theirs, but never vice versa.  Very few of their toys mixed well with mine:

This was a Transformer?

Star Wars Cantina, anyone?

These were big fans of the M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestlers.*

*These are M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestlers.

Okay, for these, I played the animals.

Despite this, I was able to convince my sister Becky to buy one toy I needed (I co-opted it soon after she purchased it):

Vanessa Warfield and her Manta, member of V.E.N.O.M., enemies of M.A.S.K.

Too bad they didn’t collect She-Ra: Princess of Power… I could have got one of them to buy anyone in the Evil Horde:

Hordak, Leech, and Grizzlor, of course.

Awful (?) Battle… John Carter Of Attack Of The Clones

Having just seen Episode I again, it’s put some bad thoughts into my brain about the upcoming John Carter film.

I know I’m late to the party on this critique, but there’s a good reason.

I want John Carter (formerly Of Mars) to be good.

The reason is a simple one – I’m rooting for director Andrew Stanton.  And why, you wonder?

Hint: One of the answers is in his hands.

Andrew Stanton wrote and directed two of Pixar’s greats – Finding Nemo and Wall-E.  He also wrote and directed this Edgar Rice Burroughs‘ adaptation, so I’m hoping the third time’s just as charming.

But I’m afraid.  Very afraid.

Here’s a scene from the preview:

Dusty Arena: Check. Furry-ous Beast: Check.

Now here are some Episode II memories that this drudges up:

Dusty Arena: Check.

Furry-ous Beast: Check.

Couple with that the tired outsider-saves-the-day plot (John Carter’s of Earth, not Mars, so…), and my worries don’t seem unwarranted.

So is this an Attack of the Clones clone?  Hopefully, the two films have as much in common as these two do:

One has monkeying around in it and the other has a monkey.