The 2nd Annual Academy Awards Cage Match

This is the second cage match, you might ask?  (You shouldn’t be surprised about the annual aspect.)  Well, this is follow-up post – the first one never was published on this site (I forget where it was published).

Anyacademy, this is how this how thing goes…

Forget talent.  Forget skill.  For the 84th Academy Awards, the winners will be determined by who comes out of the Oscar Octagon alive.  At least, that’s how the winners are determined on this site.  I was of going to make pictures for all of the Acting! categories, but I realized, I didn’t really care about the Best Supporting nominees enough.  But you’ll still get to hear the winners!

Best Actress in a Supporting Role Winner

The five nominees in this category are from four movies.  How will this turn out?

Standing in five of the eight corners, the ladies size each other up.  Janet McTeer of Albert Nobbs is the obvious first target, because who the hell is she?  Bérénice Bejo of The Artist climbs the cage wall to flee because she’s (don’t say it) black and white.  Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer were both in The Help, and without a saying a word, they stand beside each other.  They brush past the meekish McTeer to take on the tough-as-acrylic-nails Melissa McCarthy together.  McCarthy, a student of the comedic pratfall, drops to the ground to avoid their blows, and with a few deft leg sweeps, takes down her attackers, leaving only McTeer who remains motionless.  Unwilling to battle without provocation, McCarthy turns away, raising her arms in victory.  Finally, McTeer unveils an umbrella, ready to strike.  Like a ninja, McCarthy sidesteps the swing, and with a quick jab, McTeer drops.

Melissa McCarthy wins!

Best Actor in a Supporting Role Winner

There’s only one youngster in this group.  Will he rise to the top?

Fresh from his role in Warrior, which is about cage fighting, Nick Nolte convinces Kenneth Branagh of My Week With Marilyn and Jonah Hill of Moneyball to let Christopher Plummer of Beginners and Max von Sydow of Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close be warriors first.  (He thinks that they’re brothers like in his movie because they’re both old… and he’s crazy.)  Perturbed over this notion, the pair turn on Nolte.  All three men tear off their shirts and thrown down, bare-knuckled and bare-chested.  Branagh and Hill stand back in awe, watching men be men beating men.  Hit after landed hit, sweat and blood and no tears, the fight lasts eight hours.  All three lean their heads on each others’ shoulders in a circle, holding one another up, occasionally giving and taking gut punches.  Bored with what’s transpired and perspired, Branagh rises from his seated position and he kicks the group over like the octagon was Sparta.  Hill hurries to retaliate in defense of the elder warriors, and in turn takes Branagh’s elbow to his jaw.  Hill slides across the floor.  Ever the Shakespearean dramatist, Branagh declares – “I directed motherfucking Thor!”

Kenneth Branagh wins!

Best Actress in a Leading Role Winner

Three of these characters were characters in real-life.  Are the fictional ones in for a reality check?

Michelle Williams plays Marilyn Monroe in My Week With Marilyn, Meryl Streep plays Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, and Glenn Close plays Albert Nobbs in some movie, and because their such Actors!, they remain in character throughout.  Inspired by their conviction, Rooney Mara decides to be her bad-ass self from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, but Viola Davis refuses to  reprise her maid role in The Help.  Her reason – “When this is through, I’m not the one who’s going to need… The Help.”  Apparently Mara only plays tough – she is the first to fall at the mighty fist of Streep.  Her response – “Iron beats dragon every time.”  Davis adroitly moves about the octagon, squaring up against Close dressed as a man.  “I would never hit a lady,” Close retorts.  “Luckily, you’re no lady.”  Unfortunately for Close, she’s only quick with her insults.  Davis easily ducks her swing, and she shifts Close into a shoulder lift.  In the voice of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi, Davis declares, “No Oscar for you!” as she throws Close to the ground.  Taking advantage of her distraction, Streep clothes-lines Davis.  Knocked down but not out, Davis returns to her feet.  The pair stares at each other, waiting for the others next move.  It should be mentioned that Williams has been giggling nervously in the corner throughout all this.  Davis finally lunges at Streep, and Streep knocks her out with one punch.  “Seventeen,” Streep says… at first.  Then – “I am Iron Lady!”  The Academy takes Williams incessant giggling as a sign of resignation.

Meryl Streep wins!

Best Actor in a Leading Role Winner

This group of gentlemen includes two best friends.  Will friend become foe?

Surprise, surprise.  The always chill George Clooney of The Descendants and Brad Pitt of Moneyball invite the group out for beers.  Everyone else declines, so they take off on their own, leaving Gary Oldman  of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Demián Bichir of A Better Life, and Jean Dujardin of The Artist a chance to fight for the Oscar themselves.  After another moment of consideration, Oldman bows out, saying, “This is bullocks.”  He catches up with Clooney and Pitt.  Fearing that he might appear like he’s some sort of Hollywood outsider, Bichir opts for boozing with the boys and resigns, leaving Dujardin behind, climbing the fence.  (Get it?  He was running away!  He doesn’t like to fight… because he’s (don’t say it) black and white!)

Jean Dujardin wins!

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One comment

  1. sgottahurt · February 27, 2012

    Hey! I got two right!

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