Month: June 2011

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Rise Of McLovin

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve only seen Superbad once.  That was when it came out on DVD, and I haven’t seen it since.

I’ve never watched the new Rambo.  In fact, I think I’ve only taken in the ill-titled Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rambo III.

Then why did I dream about an adventure story featuring Christopher Mintz-Plasse as this guy:

Good for beer purchases everywhere but Hawaii.

Except he looked more like this:

Superbadass

Regardless, the man saved my life.

And I won’t ever get to thank him.

INGREDIENTS: Five 20 oz. Miller Lites followed up by small curd cottage cheese.

Musical Musings… This Song Electric Blues

Posted on by sgottahurt

That post title up there might be misleading.  Blues sounds like a variation of blows and by no means do I want anyone to confuse the two.

On the contraire, I want people to start equating the phrase Electric Blue with things that are awesome beyond words, such as the song Electric Blue by Icehouse:

(SIDENOTE: John Oates of Hall &, um, something, co-wrote the song with the Australian band, and apparently once stated that if Icehouse didn’t release it, his band would have.  Thought you’d like to know, so you’re not Out of Touch…)

One thing bothers me about this song though… I feel like it was in a movie, but I can’t find anything that states it was.

My best guess is this movie:

Kim Cattrall's finest performance

Or this movie:

Booger's finest performance

Mannequin is the more likely option, since it was released in 1987 (as was Electric Blue); Better Off Dead was in 1985.  But then again, Starship’s Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now was Mannequin’s signature tune.

I’ll wager $2 that John Cusack’s saxophone solo in Better Off Dead is so imprinted as an earworm in my brain, that any sax solo trudges up comparison and memories.

Or Electric Blue simply sounds like all music at that time.  Who knows…

InASense, Lost… That Can’t Really Be What They Sell?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve never denied my penchant to be  immature.  At times, I might have been vague.  Others, I’ve likely beaten around the bush (hee hee).  But this one… this one…

Fuchs sells lubricants. Lubricants. Fuchs.

(Image via this site because the day I saw one, I wasn’t quick enough. Needed lube.)

Fuchs Lubricants Company is the largest lubricant company in the world.  And of course, they’re German.  Their lubes are not meant for public use, mind you.  They’re strictly industrial grade… you know, like for porn stars…

That's a massive erection.

Happy Find… Forget About Planking! Here’s Cone-ing!

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you’re unaware of the concept planking, here’s a British puff piece on the craze:

Here’s a much more interesting (and humorous) alternate… cone-ing:

Hibbidy-Wah?! Jack And Rose, We’ll Never Forget Ye, Mostly Because Ye’ll Never Let us

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t feel like trying today… kinda like how James Cameron didn’t try to be clever with his screenplay for Titanic:

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Irony Is A Dish Best Served In Cold Milk

Posted on by sgottahurt

I only recently learned of this, and it made me suckle(!) chuckle, so I thought I’d share.

Tori Amos is probably best known for her weirdness red hair this(!) song Cornflake Girl.  If you are one of those unfamiliar with it, take a piglet(!) gander:

Here’s the weird thing… she kinda was a cornflake girl:

That got me wondering about what other musicians kinda lied.

For instance, was Bruce Springsteen really Born to Run?

Looks like he was born to amble.

Was Elton John really a Rocket Man?

Harland Williams was.

Was Lady Gaga really Born This Way?

This could be true.

The Sh– And Just Sh–ty… X-Men Films Reviewed As Roller Coasters

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m a little bit upset that X-Men: First Class didn’t do better at the box office in its opening weekend, but I have a feeling that might have to deal with the lead-ins… à la The Jay Leno Show and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.

You see, X-Men: The Last Stand and Wolverine were quite terrible, and perhaps the masses have finally realized they’d had enough.  Or potentially, Hugh Jackman just has that kind of draw.

None the less, I realized there was no pattern of the films in this series being The Shit or simply Just Shitty, so I rated what I think about each movie in comparison to various roller coasters and their riders.

Hey, at least it's finally a movie!

The first X-Men had a lot of work to do.  It had to introduce not only a unique spin on previous superhero origin stories, but it also had to introduce a lot of characters and ideologies.  It’s probably not too fair to compare the flick that introduced the world to the concept of mutants and a mine car roller coaster… Actually, it might be perfectly fair.  Besides, the finale at the Statue of Liberty stills leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

You got that right!

Aside from the fact that the title should have been anything other than what it is (X-Men 2: Mutants United makes way more sense on all levels), this film was fun from the get go.  Gone was Halle Berry’s stupid fake accent; Wolverine finally kicked some ass; Nightcrawler was handled exceptionally well.  Still one of the best superhero movies in Colonel Stryker general.

Duh-rector Brett Ratner is a regular at this ride.

Directors Matthew Vaughan and Bryan Singer poured some of their creative talents into the third film during pre-production.  I assume anything clever (and there was very little) was their handiwork.  The rest was Brett Ratner’s greasy fingers.

I don't want to go to there.

Could have been great.  Could have been fun.  Wasn’t at all.

Not something you see everyday.

I avoided the previews as best as I could, and I was not disappointed.  I loved this film.  It accomplished everything it set out to do: be an origin story and a palette cleanser.  It was cool that it was set in the real world, with a real world life-saving issue, and it was even cooler that it was a send-up of 60’s spy movies at times.

James McAvoy as Charles “Professor X” Xavier and Michael Fassbender as Erik “Magneto” Lensherr fit their roles well, and brought more to the table for these characters, much like how Chris Pine updated Captain Kirk in the Star Trek reboot.  Also, I’ve never appreciated Kevin Bacon more, because he brought a sense of validation to the cast of mostly unknowns.  (There are tons of B-Actor! cameos, and some A-Actors! as well.)

The only thing that sucked?  January Jones can’t act her way out of lingerie.

Awful Battle… Cutesy Penguins Vs. A Chatterbox Gorilla (And More!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Once upon a time, I really thought Jim Carrey was funny.

He had a spectrum of characters on In Living Color, and both Ace Ventura films were a hoot (see what I did there).  The Mask and Dumb and Dumber were practically (or actually) tailor-made for him, and Liar Liar was the pièce de résistence for that phase of his career.

But then came The Truman Show and Man on the Moon, and things started to get tricky.  He couldn’t quite go back to wacky.  I wasn’t too big a fan of Me, Myself & Irene (although I blame that more on my waning Farrelly Brothers sensibilities).  Bruce Almighty was all-righty then, and at that point, boom goes the dynamite.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind erases every Grinch, every Majestic, every Cable Guy, and every Riddler, Batman forever.

So what’s he to do?  His adult fare no longer fared well (Fun with Dick and Jane, The Number 23, Yes Man, I Love You Phillip Morris), whereas his kid-schtick (Lemony Snicket, Horton Hears a Who?, A Christmas Carol)… did marginally better?

So his latest offering, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, should be of no surprise:

Once upon a time, I thought Kevin James was funny.  Not really.  I really liked him in Hitch, though, and I guess he was okay on The King of Queens (my problems were more with Leah Remini and Jerry Stiller).  Paul Blart: Mall Cop felt like a plain donut after watching the insane Observe and Report, and Grown Ups frankly sucked balls.

But James is in a movie with animals, too, and it only illustrates how far Jim Carrey has fallen.  See the talking feces fest here:

Which one wins this Awful Battle?

A Handful Of… Items I Want – Nay – Need!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Every now and again, strange impulses overtake me, and I work hard to suppress them.  They can come out of nowhere; sometimes they’ve stewed silently for years.

Most times, they even baffle me, but it’s the baffl-ing-ness (?) that drives me further.

Oh, I realize that this opening sounds like it could be bad things, but they’re not.  Depending on how you look at them, I guess, they might be.  But that’s neither here nor at Target (if any of these were at the Ol’ Bullseye this post would be a list of my greatest shopping regrets).

Here’s A Handful Of items I want – nay – need!

Yes, it looks like a nerd toy, because it is a nerd toy.

I saw an article about Öliblocks in an old issue of Wired Magazine recently, and it’s more of a morbid curiosity than anything else.   They don’t just look like the above picture, there’s tons of different versions.  To be honest, I probably wouldn’t really buy them… but I would want to play with them.

  • Unicycle

Don't they look cool? On second thought, don't answer that.

I didn’t know I wanted a unicycle until The Colbert Report presented an expose about riders in NYC.  It’d be safe to say that the people who use unicycles as their primary source of transportation would probably not be friends of mine, so then why would I want one?  I like balancing.

  • Banjo (or Ukulele)

King Tut and the King

I play the guitar, so either of these would be a fun sound to play around with.  It’s just another one of those ideas that’s been brimming inside for a long time… and speaking of brimming…

  • Cowboy Hat

Hat = Badass

Tim Olyphant rocks as Marshal Raylan Givens on FX’s Justified and he wears a cool cowboy hat.  Am I that simple of a person that I want to look like Elmore Leonard’s smooth, quick-triggered character?  Maybe.

Comfortable performance or annoying gimmick?

I saw these at the end of season five of Showtime’s Weeds, and even though they made fun of them, I still would like to try them out.

Landon Meier makes these. I think there's something wrong with him.

I’ve mentioned that I wanted one of these before, but it bears repeating.  I really want – nay – need one of these.

Worth 1002 Words… More Bruce Than Bruce Can Handle Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Die Hard-On

Some altercolorofnights:

  • Mood Lighting
  • Pulp Friction
  • Heart’s War
  • Twelve Monkeyspanks
  • Arms A-Gettin’
  • Dupli-Sin City
  • Hudson Hawks
(via)