Awful Battle… Bad Puppet Double Whammy!

I love having Netflix.  You set into place a stream of consciousness, and you await your next surprise.  Sometimes the arrivals are pleasant; sometimes they’re downright awful.  Hence today’s Awful Battle.

If I didn’t (or at least attempt to) watch these back-to-back, I wouldn’t have let you know that I had Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend in my queue.  Here’s the breakdown of the plot (via Netflix):

While on a safari in Africa, a zoologist and her husband (Sean Young and William Katt) stumble on a family of dinosaurs. They want to share their remarkable discovery with the world but their attempt to bring back evidence is thwarted by a rival scientist (Patrick McGoohan). Danger and adventure await the couple, who only want to help these long-lost animals survive even longer and prevent their exploitation.

It’s a kid-movie I saw once as a kid and now as an adult.  Here’s a taste:

Again, I wouldn’t have much to say if I didn’t try to watch Exterminator City after it.  Here’s Netflix’s breakdown:

A robot detective tracks an inhuman killing machine in this action-packed story set in the near future. It’s the year 2027, and Astro City is being terrorized by a robot pest-controller moonlighting as a serial killer. With the list of victims growing longer each day, a steely robot homicide detective and an evil robot psychiatrist track the heartless killer on a path that leads them into a sinister world of technological horrors.

Sounds like it could be good-bad, right?  I initially entered it into my queue after seeing this video a long ways back:

Looks like it could be good-bad, right?

Wrong.  Exterminator City is quite possibly the most unwatchable thing I’ve ever – EVER! (the caps mean I’m serious, not yelling) – witnessed.

It’s essentially a booby flick.  Not a soft-core sci-fi film, mind you.  A booby flick.  All I saw as I fast-forwarded through was topless woman after topless woman, with robot shit like the above sword fight in between, and squished bugs.  I didn’t even make it to that sword fight, fast-forward or otherwise.  The DVD stayed in my player 15 minutes, tops.

But after witnessing that horror, it made me take note of three similarities between Baby and Exterminator City.

  1. The puppets look horrible. I do lament the days before CGI, but the T-rex and raptors in Jurassic Park were animatronics most times, and they looked great… only 8 years after Baby.
  2. The plots are nonsense.  Exterminator City doesn’t even stand a chance here.  But in Baby, as the married heroes are trying to keep their hatchling safe, what do they do?  Basically, they fuck in the middle of the jungle and lose track of Baby!  This is what gives the movie its “story”!  A kid’s movie!
  3. There are naked boobies and a murder in the first five minutes.  Again, no-brainer for one.  Very strange for a kid’s film!  (The boobies belong to African dancers, but still…)