JusWondering… Does This Freak Anybody Else Out As Much As It Does Me?

If I ever saw this in a grocery store, I’d punch it.

Who am I kidding?  I’d run.

If I ever saw this on the road, I’d punch the gas.

Who am I kidding?  I’d get run off the road.

Awful Battle… Films With “Surprise” Alien Endings

Before I begin, I feel I should mention (in a pirate’s accent) that thar be spoilers below, but none of these movies are particularly unspoiled by their terrible alien-infused endings.  It’s an Awful Battle to the fullest extent.  With these films, is the fate of the world at stake?  Nah.  Just your time.

  • Smilla’s Sense of Snow

The sequel was entitled, "Julia Ormond's Sense of Disappointment"...

Most people may not remember this film.  Scratch that.  Most people are unaware of its existence.  I remember watching this in a hotel on vacation, waiting for everyone I was with to get ready for the pool.  Up to that point, the film had been so engrossing, that I promised everyone that I’d catch up with them after it was over.  The problem was that the resolution/conclusion seemingly came out of nowhere.

How can I put this… For most of the viewing, it was a murder mystery.  In the end, it turned to, as Roger Ebert put it:

Prehistoric Radioactive Worms from Outer Space

  • Knowing

Bet you didn't know "Knowing" is almost an anagram of "Nick Cage"... Almost...

Australian writer/director Alex Proyas is a writer/director that I trust.  He might not have the largest filmography down under his belt (The Crow and Dark City carry most of the weight), but I’ve heard him in interviews, and he knows his stuff.  So speaking of knowing

I actually didn’t have a problem with this film’s ending.  The fact that aliens were involved was made known to me prior to seeing it, so I saw the small signs indicating where everything was going.  But I could see how others would get frustrated – it didn’t seem like it was going there.  The ambiguity amidst all the certainty of the numbers keeps you invested, your imagination swirling.  Then in scene after scene, shot after shot, all the answers are given, all the ambiguity… shot.  It quickly devolves into Showing.

If you’ve seen the film, I think it could have ended with him waking up on the rocks in the slight rain, and I would have been satisfied.  It would have fit in with the film’s themes perfectly.

  • X-Files: Fight the Future

This movie made me start the Why-Files.

I never consistently watched The X-Files television series.  I’d catch an occasional one if I knew it wasn’t a mythology episode, but even that hardly occurred.  When the announcement was made that the show would be getting the big screen treatment, I dove into whatever season it was on and caught up on the show’s history, probably courtesy of an Entertainment Weekly special “Catch Up On the Show’s History” edition.

All in all, the movie bit.  It bit hard.  It was like all those bees stung my every expectation.  The Black Oil made alien embryos in people?  Or whatever.  By the end, when the spaceship emerged from the ice and took off into the sky, I could have cared less.  I didn’t watch the show ever again.  Unless it was a standalone episode.

  • Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Fu. Ck. Th. Is. Mo. Vie.

I lack the energy to rip on this movie again.  You can see how I felt about it here and star Harrison Ford here.  Who am I kidding?  You probably felt the same.

  • Contact

As fulfilling as playing Marco Polo in quicksand, whatever that means...

This movie’s ending was used as a joke in South Park one time (I think).  Well whatever it’s from, it went something like this:

I waited the entire movie to see what the aliens would look like, and it was her fucking dad?!

Classic.

  • The Forgotten

I couldn't follow the plot because I never saw The Threegotten...

I didn’t see this movie, but I remember people being sucked into the sky in previews.  I always figured it’d be a trippy flick about a mother seeking out her missing child, kind of like Flightplan with special effects.  I didn’t expect it to have this resolution, though (via Wikipedia):

Eventually Telly [Julianne Moore] hunts down one of “them” [the aliens] at an abandoned airport and he tells her that she has been a part of an experiment into whether the bonds between mother and child can be broken.

Another mystery that turns into a sci-fi conspiracy theory?  No thanks.

  • Signs

Fu. Ck. M. Night.

M. Night Shyamalan should have never revealed the alien.  I maintain that if they had only shown the creature in the TV’s reflection, the creepiness factor would have went through the barn roof.

What’s funny is this film tries to challenge the relationship between science and faith and fails, whereas Knowing succeeds.  And knowing how to do that is half the battle…

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Gavin Rossdale And Ding Dongs

Gavin Rossdale, lead singer of Bush and Interstate, as well as Keanu Reeves’ co-star in Constantine, recently admitted he once upon a time had sexual relations with a man.  It’s not a big deal in and of itself, especially since it’s been rumored about for years, but what is a big deal is that only now is he coming forth.  That was probably a bad choice of words…

Anyhollabackgirl, the man he once used glycerine didn’t want to comedown found everything Zen with was 80’s British cross-dressing rocker, Marilyn.  Nowadays, he’s currently married to pop-punk-queen Gwen Stefani.

Here are their pictures… Notice any Coinkydinks or Coinkydonks?

 

This shit is b-a-n-a-n-a-s...

 

Breasts and blonde hair and angular features and red outfits aside… where was I going with this?

 

Where was I going with this?

 

Oh yeah.  Another thing, completely unrelated…

Isn’t it weird how Hostess Ding Dongs were once called King Dons even though the character was called King Ding Dong and in some places Ding Dongs were called Big Wheels and King Ding Dong (or King Don) was called Chief Big Wheels even though all along they were still Ding Dongs?  I’m so completely lost right now…

 

"Mmmm... Ding Dongs." - Gavin Rossdale's impersonation of Homer Simpson.

 

Drunken Recollection… Bluff My Call

Don’t get me wrong… I love my iPhone, but sometimes things come up that make me wish I had an Android phone.

Case in point – without jailbreaking my cell, Apple will not allow me to download and use the incredibly evil app called:

Bluff My Phone (available here) is a handy little tool in creating havoc, and it works like this:

  1. Download and install the app.  Of course.
  2. Program the phone number you want to call and the number you want to show up on the caller’s display.
  3. Choose to modulate your voice more masculine or feminine.
  4. Set the call to record or not.
  5. And scare the living shit out of somebody.

We didn’t try anything at the bar, but the next day at work, we had a good time pranking a few co-workers, acting as clients.  Alas, we did not record them (we forgot in the excitement).  But my boss/friend Paul devised the darkest prank of all (I helped).

While his wife was at home sleeping after working the night shift at the hospital, he called her mother (his mother-in-law) from his wife’s cellphone as she watched their kids downstairs.  I suggested this phrasing:

Is this “Mom”?  I wouldn’t suggest coming upstairs.  I’m standing over your daughter!

Or something like that.

We laughed.
He tried it.
He was sent to his mother-in-law’s voicemail.
So he tried directly spooking his wife.
Still half-asleep, she recognized his voice immediately.
Prank over.

Maybe next time.

(SIDENOTE: I’ve come a long way since this.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Weezer, Apparently

Would you raise $10,000,000 to make this go away?

"Hurley"

Well, not the actor Jorge Garcia, per sé, but the band that produced the above CD, Weezer.

Now before I go on and on about how this guy James Burns is trying to do just that, raise ten million bucks to force Rivers Cuomo and crew to disband their band, I should let it be known that I was going to list plenty of other performers I would pay to stop:

  • Green Day
  • Blink-182
  • Creed

I was going to go as far as listing artists like Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, but other sites have done this.

So now inspired by James Burns movement, and Weezer’s latest album cover, I propose this:

How about we raise $10,000,000 to film a different finale for LOST?

Who’s with me?  That show unraveled faster than a sweater and had me screaming, “Say it ain’t so!”

InASense, Lost… Buffy, The Jedi Master?

This. Almost. Happened:

 

"There is no try, only do me."

 

Good old George Lucas originally wanted to name Yoda… well, I let io9 fill you in (from their list of “10 Things You Didn’t Know About The Empire Strikes Back):

Yoda was originally named Buffy. No, really. In George Lucas’ earliest outlines for the sequel, Luke meets a supernatural entity named Buffy, or Bunden Debannen. Here’s how Lucas described it:

Buffy very old — three or four thousand years. Kiber crystal in sword? Buffy shows Luke? Buffy the guardian. ‘Feel not think.'”

And Lucas concludes by saying Luke will become the chosen one, “the human Buffy.” In later drafts, he thought of Yoda as a kind of small frog, and Yoda had a full name: Minch Yoda. In the earliest script draft, Minch has the immortal line: “Skywalker. Skywalker. And why do you come to walk my sky, with the sword of a Jedi knight? … I remember another Skywalker.”

Yikes.  The guy that three years later would bring you this, could have preemptively brought you the above image.

I know, I know.  It wouldn’t have worked out like that, but a guy can daydream and pretend he’s a Jedi, right?

(SIDENOTE: While Photoshopping Sarah Michelle Gellar into Dagobah, I couldn’t help but realize I should Photoshop girls more often.  They’re more fun than Mike Rowe .)

Happy Finds… DJ Kitty? Kanye Jordan? Let Me Google That For You

Sometimes the TripleDoubleU has too much goodness to handle.

  • ITEM 1 – All I need to say is DJ Kitty:

Cats in hats are so funny!  Somebody should make a book like that stat!

(SIDENOTE: Also acceptable as “funny” – cats in baseball jerseys, cats using turntables, and cats dancing.)

  • ITEM 2 – Do you like Tracy Morgan’s Tracy Jordan?  Well how about Kanye West’s Kanye Jordan?

Basically, it’s a game in which someone takes Kanye West’s Twitter messages and adds “Liz Lemon” to them, as if he were on 30 Rock.  Not all of them are golden, so some of the better ones can be found here and here.  The actual Twitter page can be found here.

It’s the perfect tool for the times you want to be a passive smart ass.  For my example, click here.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Belligerent Smurfs

Wino Smurf, er, Champagno Smurf?

This one’s a quick one.  My friends and I were at a concert.  We were drinking a craaaazy amount.  Oh.  And we were all Smurfs.  We were in cartoon form, but we existed in the real world, à la Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Or the upcoming Smurfs movie.  But cel animated.  Not CGI*.  Thank you.

Barfly Smurf

*yes, you better Smurfing believe this is happening…

(SIDENOTE: But then again, CGI could look like cel animation.  Take a gander at this Roger Rabbit 2 screen test.  He’s 100% computer generated.)

Musical Musings… The Grateful Dead Muppets

Someone once told me I would know The Grateful Dead’s Touch of Grey when I’d hear it after saying one time I didn’t know it.  This happened a long time ago.

Well, I finally heard it.  That person was right.  I did know it.  I just thought the song was by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers or the Travelling Wilburys or something else with Tom Petty in it.

But the funny thing I noticed was that it actually reminded me of something else.  Here’s a refresher for you in case you don’t know or forgot it:

Hear the ding-ding-ding in the background?  It sounds to me a lot like The Magic Store from The Muppet Movie:

At worst, it’s as similar as these two images:

I once made a joke at a Ben and Jerry's that their ice cream flavor shouldn't be Cherry Garcia, it should be Grateful Red. The girl behind the counter laughed. I didn't do anything else.

Talk about putting your foot in your mouth. No wait - scratch that.

Hibbidy-Wah?! File This Under “Why?”

Hipsters are fond of mustaches.  Cars… mmm, not so much.  Cars aren’t fond of mustaches, I mean.  Well I guess hipsters aren’t that fond of cars either…

This VW wisely avoided "The Adolf"...

Allow me to introduce the Carstache.  I figured it’s fair game after already sharing CarLashes.

What’s next?

Car perms?

Car comb overs?

Car soul patches?

Car beards?

I found this while double-checking for "car beards."