Month: January 2010

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… De-Evolution Of The Bar Scene, Explained By John Travolta’s Movie Choices

Posted on by sgottahurt

(UPDATE: I feel like I shortchanged the comparison. See the nickel’s worth improvement below.)

From Night Clubs to Sports Pubs to Corner Bars

The older you get, the more your tastes change.  Whereas you once lived and breathed for laser lights, booming bass, and whatever is in those smoke machines (I like to imagine nerdy children are in the basement clapping erasers in front of fans), one day you couldn’t.

So then you hit up the deal bars (the theme bars, chain restaurants, and sports pubs) because it was still counted as “going out” and “being social” and you were still “getting yo’ drink on” (does anyone say that anymore?), but then it was too far to travel.

So then you just go to the bar closest to home.  You know… those places where the nicotine absorbed by the ceilings and the walls are the only things holding it together.

Here’s a brief history of John Travolta film options that illustrate the de-evolution of the bar scene the older we get:

From Saturday Night Fever to Look Who's Talking to Wild Hogs

From Saturday Night Fever to Look Who's Talking to Wild Hogs

Saturday Night Club Fever – There are no limits to the unexplained popularity of something that’s not quite so good.

Look Who’s Talking On The TV – The possibility that you are dancing at a sports bar is directly proportionate to the possibility that a baby thinks in Bruce Willis’ voice.  Also relatable – beer prices and John Travolta’s paycheck.

Swill’d Hogs – Ever hear of the phrase, phoning it in when referring to something that’s easy?  Well, walking to the corner tavern and starring in a lame film are synonyms.  If phrases can have synonyms…

Musical Musings… You Just Don’t Hear These Songs Enough Me Thinks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Without further adieu, and with only one more misused French word, here are some songs I liked at one point, but that don’t really hit the radio playlists anymore.  Do I still enjoy them?  I don’t really non.

JusWondering… When’s The Last Time I Paid For Any Of These Things?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It recently occurred to me that I haven’t paid for a few of these things in awhile:

1) PAPER

What's worse - paper cuts or cut-offs? Discuss.

As an almost life-long writer (though you may not be able to tell by the crappiness that is this site), I’ve needed to print up many an item.  This never happens at home.  Or at Kinko’s.  Or at my ma’s.  I will not state where I do my printing, as not to indict myself.

2) BATTERIES

These, I might buy.

Batteries are required for only a few things in my home – my wireless keyboard and mouse, my remote controls, my thermostat, and my Wiimotes.  I don’t buy batteries.  I switch them around as needed (thermostat gets the highest priority ‘natch, followed by the remote controls).  I will not disclose my power source.

3) BLANK RECORDABLE MEDIA

Hey kids! These are fun to put in microwaves!

This is more of a situation dealing with a change in times.  I used to go through blank CD’s like Mountain Dew, until I got my iPod.  And jump drives and portable external hard drives have eliminated my lust for blank DVD’s.  But still, even when I regularly used them, guess what?  I never bought them.

4) “REDACTED”

How'd I miss this pic?

I mean pictures, of course.  I used to have to “take pictures,” but now I can just take pictures.  Geez.  Don’t judge me just because the internet is full of REDACTED.

Awesome Battle… The Best Thing George Lucas Ever Imagined

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s hard to believe that the man who created this, once upon a time a long time ago created this:

(SIDENOTE, BUT I”M SURE YOU DON’T CARE, BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER MAKE IT DOWN TO THIS PART DUE TO BEING TOO BUSY CLICKING ON ALL THE ABOVE THUMBNAIL IMAGES: George Lucas didn’t necessarily create the look, but he did want it based upon Frank Frazetta’s paintings.)

Worth More Than 1002 Words… On Behalf Of WordPress, F— You, Bing

Posted on by sgottahurt

I searched for "wp.com," and I'll I got was this lousy t-shirt. Thanks, Bing!

Decision engine, my ass.  There’s no decision to make here, Microsoft.

If you think I wanted Hewlett-Packard’s website, or a website about Poland, I would have typed HP or Poland.  HP gets mentioned three times on one page, and WordPress’s abbreviated URL isn’t even mentioned once.  Hmm.  Where’s the ad revenue coming from?  It’s not like Microsoft and HP have any common interests, do they?  (For the record, Washington Post makes some sense, but their website is their name and not their initials, unlike WordPress.com!)

Decision engine sounds more like a retconning decision, as in “We have a crappy search engine… how can we explain why it’s that way?”

Decision engine. Fucking decision engine.  I’ve decided to stick with Google.  (BONUS: Outdated catchphrase coming up!)  And that’s my final answer.

"Baaad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-Bing, big boo..." he might have crooned.

A Plethora Of Happy Finds, For El Guapo!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Well, El Guapo, though I may not really know what a plethora is, I do know when I’ve cracked one open and it’s spilling candy (oh – that’s a piñata).

Anyway, in all my perusing of the TripleDoubleU, I find so many videos that make me chuckle, it makes me weep.

So today, I’m sort of going for broke and offering up not ONE… not TWO… not THREE… not FOUR… not FIVE… video collections!

  • Numero 3 is in fact Numero 3 in a series of Creed spoofs.  You remember Scott Stapp and crew, right?  Well according to this particular video they only remember to perform when the camera’s on them to not just hilarious, but hil-ar-i-ous, effect.  (More dubs from the Spirit Switchboard.)
  • This video is last because it probably warms my heart the most.  Rhett and Link have made it on this site before since I share my love of terrible local commercials with them, but this piece… play me off, El Guapo!  (And for the record -yes, I’m aware Cuba is not in Mexico… I know it’s in Florida.)

InASense, Lost… Zordon Is A Racist

Posted on by sgottahurt

This has popped up on more than a few of the other websites I frequent, and I’ve watched it every time.  I didn’t expect much from a simple, outdated premise, but it still makes me laugh.

I mean, the blatant racism disturbs me deeply.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “InASense, Lost… Zordon is a Racist …“, posted with vodpod

BONUS HIDDEN RACISM: This perfectly explains “the underwhelming meh” I felt after watching Avatar.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Nic Cage As Everyone? Yes, Nic Cage As Everyone

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Forehead and seven years ago..."

For some reason, the site Nic Cage as Everyone reminded me of this old video I never posted.  But you need to know them both.  Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Yay you!

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? The Best Name To Survive With

Posted on by sgottahurt

(SIDENOTE: This is one whopper of a CoC, and I fear it is my greatest discovery.)

I love you, television.

There, I said it.  Are you happy now?  Be it that I’m an idiot for staring into your warming glow (if that’s how you want to take the term “boob tube”) or because I suckle your glass nipple (if that’s how you want to take the term “boob tube”), please know this – you complete me.

Now that that’s out of my system, onto business!  I’m sorry baby, but I’ve got work to do.

Two of my favorites shows on television had “mergers” a couple of seasons ago: Lost and The Office.

Lost had this happen in their second season, and the reason why, as producers explained, was to extend the show’s storyline if needed by adding more characters with new flashbacks (I know this from memory, and I’m paraphrasing because I’m too lazy to look it up).  The “merger” involved having the survivors in the tail section of the crashed airplane join the remaining survivors.  At the start of the third season, the season commitment contract was locked up, and almost all of the new cast members introduced the year prior were eliminated.  Almost.

As for The Office, the third season had two branches “merging,” à la the UK (original) version’s second series (that’s what they call “seasons” across the pond).  Unlike the British version, almost every new character quit out frustration with their new boss.  Almost.

So by now, several seasons later, only two cheeses stood, um, alone.

  • On Lost, it was Bernard Nadler, “tailie” and husband to Rose Henderson:

Actor! Sam Anderson as Bernard Nadler

  • On The Office, it was anger-prone Andy Bernard, a.k.a. The Nard-Dog, alumnus of Cornell University:

Actor! Ed Helms as Andy Bernard

So to recap… the two characters that survived massive cast “mergers” were both named Bernard.  Do I smell a Coinkydink or is that a tinge of Coinkydonk?

BONUS COINKYDINK OR COINKYDONK: An Actor! by the combined name of Andy Nadler played a character named Barnard (sp?) in the independent film, The Guatemalan Handshake.  Consider your mind blown.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Betty White As A Bad Guy

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve had a plethora of strange dreams leading up to the new year, but just as the memories of yesteryear have faded, so did those dreams by the time I (finally) woke up.  This one stuck with me.

"Welcome to My 'Ool - Notice There's No... Room"

There was a party going on at a castle, and I was keeping the free drinks coming (of course).  A volleyball game was starting in the pool, but it was packed to the gills (pun!), and my interest in playing was circling down the drain (pun?).

Sure, it was only over-filled to volley for complete pool possession (the winning side got to play), but I’d already made my way indoors.  I found a doorway that lead to a small underground city.  It was kind of like the old game Doom…

With less monsters, and better graphics

…but more medieval, like a Renaissance Festival.

That's about the right amount of monsters

I was creeped out by the panhandlers and the merchants, so I returned upstairs to hit the free bar again (of course).  It was upon reaching the inner sanctum of the castle that I stumbled upon an authentic pub.  Or at least it was like a hotel version of one.

Aaron Eckhart and Anne Hathaway were there... for some reason

All of the sudden, from a hidden door behind the bar, Betty White emerged, looking like a (foreign) assassin.  Or I guess it could have been a foreign assassin disguised to look like Betty White.

"Thank you for being a fiend..."

She grabbed Anne Hathaway and ducked back into the door.  As Aaron Eckhart pursued, I finished my drink and followed.  We were back in the caverns, but they looked more like the tunnel that bridges (pun!) Detroit and Windsor, than the dingy dungeon from before.

This is an old photo.

Except there were copious amounts of bees and rats.

This is a doctored photo.

Aaron was terrified of the bees and rats and was ready to turn back, when a chain of shopping carts started to roll at him.  He held onto a bar above us as long as possible, but then he gave in a rode on top of them.  I ended up doing the same because I wanted to recreate the only good scene my favorite scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

"It's mine cart now!" - dialogue cut from the final film

I caught up with Aaron and we decided to look for Anne.  Then I woke up.

DREAM INGREDIENTS: I’m not sure.  But this is the second dream I’ve recently had involving one of the last surviving Golden Girls…