Worth 1002 Words… Seinfeld Art Edition

seinfeld-in-one-image

About Nothing

Some alternates:

(via BuzzFeed)

Click here for the chart of all the items in the image.

InASense, Lost… Dolls That Get Breastfed? Whatever Happened To Dolls That Just Pooped?

I suppose on some level, this was inevitable:

Mattel and Hasbro are chomping at the bit

Mattel and Hasbro are chomping at the tit, I mean, bit

Spain has introduced the world to Bebé Glotón (Gluttonous Baby), the, um, world’s first breastfeeding doll.  Sold in Europe for 44 Euros (about $63 here), it’s priced at almost double that amount on eBay, and that got me wondering… would Americans be willing to pay so much for such a product?  Who better to check in with than some Texans (because everything’s bigger there and we’ve been repeatedly told not to mess with them):

Hrm… that was fairly balanced and forthright.  But I like my stirring pot a bit meatier, so take it away Fox News (and very low-cut bloused, healthily-bosomed lady right there at the 0:04 mark… her genius is further exposed at the 1:54 mark):

YES!  Feel the uproariousness amidst the silliness!  I’ve already been “outraged” by stripper shoes for babies!  What’s next?  Umbilical cord piercings?  Toddler thongs?!  (Can I even type these things?)

If I’m gone tomorrow, know that I couldn’t type those things.  Or I started an umbilical cord piercing business…

(via Feministing)

Happy Find… STFU, Parents

Okay, I hate to have to subject y’all to another Happy Find so fast, but this is truly a sooper-dooper-mega-wega-Happy-Wappy-Find, um, -Mind…

That having been said, allow me to introduce to a collection of the most annoying ‘rents in the world on… drum roll please… you can’t?… okay, never mind…

STFU, Parents!

(For those of you uninitiated, and most likely it’s the parents that end up on the site, STFU = Shut The Fuck Up, thus adding it to my list of fucking Happy Finds.)

Required sample:

A Gold Star Winner per the site, and I agree

A Gold Star Winner per the site, and I agree

 With that, I bid you adieu!

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Disney Channel Meets MGM Gambling

I knew that someday the decision (or should I say gamble?) to build this park…

disneymgm

For the longest time, I misread it as "Miggum."

…would one day lead to a synergistic nightmare like this…

suitelife

Gold plaque! Wood grain! It's like they're twins! Fraternal, of course...

Disney’s television productions might not be the most soul-enriching shows in the world, but I never thought I’d see the day that the MGM Grand Casino in Detroit would use such a similar logo to promote a gambling contest.  I mean, kids that still watch The Suite Life of Zack and Cody shouldn’t be cross-marketed to in this fashion.  They are nowhere near old enough to be spending that kind of dough in an adult establishment on their allowances.  I’m not saying I’m against kids partaking in poker, roulette, or craps, but– wait, huh?

They did what?  Disney and MGM are no longer partnered together at the park, and they’ve got a new name?

disneyhollywood

I preferred Phil Collins' idea of redubbing it "Disney's Stu-Stu-Studio."

So, yeah… never mind this InASense, Lost.  Let’s chalk it up to a Coinkydink (coincidence) or a Coinkydonk (on purpose), because sometimes you never know what kind of gambles executives are willing to make.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Life And Times Of Admiral Ackbar

"I'm your host, Admiral Ollie Ackbar, and this is my sidekick, Ed McMonCalamari."

"I'm your host, Admiral Ollie Ackbar, and this is my sidekick, Ed McMonCalamari."

This was one messed up dream, and it requires a bit of back story.  I don’t know if the back story occurred in the dream, or if my subconscious naturally knew it, but here we go:

Apropos of nothing, including Star Wars, Leno, Letterman, Conan, Kimmel, and Fallon, everyone’s favorite token Mon Calamarian, Admiral Ackbar, hosted the highest-rated late night show in America (think Krusty the Clown).  He was on top of the world, until one night when a prank went bad.

Apparently, a woman was invited on stage for a skit that involved ham, bacon, and other various pork products, such as, um, pork.  She was eight months pregnant, and against the producers wishes, Ackbar went ahead with the bit.  Something about the segment startled her and caused her water to break.  Live.  On national TV.

This lead to him getting banned from everything and everywhere, and he eventually went into the witness protection program when threats on his life seemed credible.  Now back to the present day… dream.

While living under his new identity, he eventually started butting heads with his handlers.  Unable to blend in, he put on an elaborate show which exposed his location.  Soon enough, the credible threat found him.  It ended up being a mechanical pig that looked a bit like this:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The roboswine wasn’t the only surprise… 

All along, the reason the government thought Ackbar’s life was in danger was incorrect.  They believed it was because the public was outraged that he caused his audience member to go into early labor.  The real reason?  The pigdroid was upset about the wasted pork products, bitter of the fact that he no longer consisted of pork products.

And the meatless metal meanie never intended to kill Ackbar – he only wanted an apology.  The consummate host obliged and soon was back on top of the world.

INGREDIENTS: A late night helping of regular Oreo’s and a glass of chocolate milk.

Happy Find… Lamebook

I never got into either MySpace or Facebook.  The trendiness didn’t appeal to me (and for the record, I was into Twitter before the huge Twitstorm hit… luckily, it’s subsiding).

So it wouldn’t and shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to create a comparably named forum to mock the uncouth denizens of , and it didn’t (as far as I know).

Introducing (unless you’ve already met) Lamebook, where the h8rs can h8t freely, without having a Facebook account, courtesy of h8rs that have Facebook accounts.

From the entry titled, "That Sucks"

From the entry titled, "That Sucks"

This is a mere sampling of a sampling.  I don’t know whether I dodged a bullet, or I’m missing the gunfight, but for now, I’ll stick to Lamebook (even though it’s one of the rare websites I happily found that doesn’t have the word “fuck” in the title).

Hibbidy-Wah?! The Test That Proved How Amazing It Is I Can Survive Each Day

You may or may not have taken the “Awareness Test” before, but I couldn’t suggest it more.  It was put together by this country’s forefathers’ forefathers’ (and foremothers’) decendents, over yonder, across the pond.  (I’m talkin’ ’bout the Brits, you idiot!)

Anywhosyerforedaddy, I failed the test.  Terribly.  See how well you fare:

Awful Battle… Inappropriateness, Now With Kids!

Today’s competitors aren’t exactly on level ground.  One’s a movie trailer (wait for the fart), one’s a movie scene (watch the whole thing), and one’s a re-edited masterpiece that borders on annoying until the money shot payoff (skip to the end if you can’t wait).  The latter is by my heroes over at Everything is Terrible; the formers are all real.

(BONUS!  A re-edit of Gooby as a horror film.)

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

Vodpod videos no longer available.  

more about “Everything Is Terrible!: kids“, posted with vodpod

JusWondering… Unexplainable Crushes

CRUSH #1
judgemilian

Exhibit "Ay... how you doin'?"

Don’t judge me on this short list of unexplainable crushes… unless you’re Judge Marilyn Milian, of course.  As the host of People’s Court, Judge Milian hands out her decisions with a sexy rasp (and huge gold hoop earrings) every weekday, and I get weak in the knees.  Whenever I catch her show, I can’t catch my breath.  It’s not uncommon for me to wonder what she’s wearing under that robe… (I’m thinking, three-piece pantsuit… you?)

CRUSH #2

meghanmccain

McCain is McAble (I don't know what that's meant to imply... I'm still in pun mode)

As it was with the political-minded girls in high school (and especially college), Meghan McCain is no exception to the “she’s cute but kinda annoying” rule.  Whether on Fox News or the Colbert Report, unless you’re really interested in her viewpoints, I have a crush on her more because she’s so passionate about “things” that I guess are kinda important, than because of what her stances are on said “things.”  Sexist?  Probably.  But unless Meghan’s telling me why (or a comely coed, for that matter), I’m not listening.  Well, I’m not listening either way, at least for some, I’d pretend.

CRUSH #3

As for my crush on Kseniya Simonova… I still don’t know much about her other than this video.  Perhaps the performance is explanation enough:

CRUSH #4

Erin+Esurance

Pink hair is so 2000-late, but Erin still works it well.

I have no excuse for my crush on Erin Esurance, but be warned: do not Google Image her with SafeSearch off.

Drunken Recollection… Sports Cars, Semis, And Use Of The Word “Better”

It was the best of Miller Lites; it was the worst of Miller Lites.  In other words, drinking with friends has its good days; drinking with friends has its bad days.  Here are the examples…

BEST

My good ol’ buddy Jay and I were discussing the state of the world one day, when he begin trying out some new philosophy he was developing.  I don’t quite remember the details as he worked through them, but my translation of what he was trying to say was this:

Women are sports cars and men are semi rigs.  Men prefer their women to be a two-seater, i.e. they’ve only been with one guy – that guy.  Men, as trucks, are also two-seaters, but if they have an extensive history in their trailer, it shouldn’t be a surprise to their lady friend.

There was some part about women being minivans and another deal about a bunch of guys hanging off of a sports car, but that’s the gist of it.  Do I get it?  Do I agree?  Only if I get to be a helicopter.

Men are from Mars, Women are from "Cars"

Men are from Mars, Women are from "Cars"

 WORST

It’s hard to get my goat but Jay got my goat good.  All I know is that the discussion slipped into an argument (a one-sided argument most likely) about there being more than one way to use the word “better.”

My stance:

There’s a “better” that expresses an opinion, and there’s a “better” that expresses fact.

Opinion “better” – G.I. Joe is a better movie than Transformers 2.
Fact “better” – Water is better to drink than oil.

A Freudian Psychologist's Dream Dream a.k.a. The Baroness Can-Can

A Freudian Psychologist's Dream Dream a.k.a. The Baroness Can-Can

 Until the next brewsing…