The Ultimate Saturday Night Live Movie!

Not to be confused with "Married... With Children: The Movie"

Not to be confused with “Married… With Children: The Movie”

They’ve been trying to make The Saturday Night Live Movie since 1990, and I think I’ve cracked it (in film speak – I’ve broke it).  Here’s the pitch:


Opening Scene: It’s 1:01am on Sunday, just after an episode of SNL has finished taping.  Everyone is congratulating each other and the guests on a great show.

Seth Meyers stands off on the side, alone, ignored.  In this reality, Seth Meyers is the character he plays for Weekend Update – his real name (in the film) is Geth Pliers.  Current cast members pass by Geth as he tries to make a joke (“We’re only live on Saturday Night for a half hour.  We should change it to Some Saturday Night and Some Sunday Morning Live.”), but no one interacts with him.

He retires to his office (which is stall in a restroom) and is happy to find that he’s finally received a response from a woman named Standra Dee Light (Cecily Strong) on a dating website.  He takes to the hallways in excitement and runs into Bobby Moynihan and Kenan Thompson on their way to the after-party.  They tell Geth that she’s probably a fake and that he’s getting catfished.  Geth plans to meet Standra that night at an apartment party anyway.

The Setup: Meanwhile, on the top of buildings across the city, cell phone towers begin exploding, and inter-dimensional beings called Vitargs emerge through a portal.  The first few through immediately discover they’re repulsed by our gravity and fly up into the air.  The next wave realizes they must grab things on the roof to stay grounded.  They then embark upon entering the buildings through the rooftop entrances.  Once inside, they suck out the souls of the rich people in the people in the penthouses, and then they are able to use our gravity.  (Insert jokes about rich people having souls and eating the rich.)

The Main Story: It’s a cameo-laden comedy in the guise of a disaster/invasion movie spoof (think: Cloverfield).  As Geth takes to the streets to find the one person with which he’s made a connection, he must navigate the crowds of people freaking out because: 1)there’s an alien invasion and 2) there’s no cell phone reception!  (Not necessarily in that order, either.)

He finds help in the form of Weekend Update guests like Stefon (Bill Hader) and his Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan).  Stefon leads him through the underground club scene which features actual Internet Trolls and  literal Catfish behind computers (and maybe Coneheads).

In the end, Standra is indeed whom she claimed to be (The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party), and Geth finds true love, the respect of his coworkers, and true friends, all while saving the day.

In a post credit sequence, we learn where Greg (Bill Hader) came from prior to co-hosting Game Time with Dave and Greg:

Greg was a Vitarg!

Greg was a Vitarg!

Drunken Recollection… If The Rolling Stones Never Existed

It’s not like I’m a huge fan of The Beatles and think their shit doesn’t stink (a dung Beatle, if you will), but you cannot deny the fact that they have had a major impact on pop culture.

On the other hand, one night over more than a few brews, I decided that The Rolling Stones could have “not” existed, and we wouldn’t be missing much.

Sure, this Saturday Night Live skit would have never existed:

And there would have been no Paint It Black for The Doors to cover. Wait, the version I thought was Jim Morrison and crew was Mick Jagger and crew?

Well, there would have been no Wild Horses for The Sundays to cover at least (and to be honest, we probably could have lived without this one):

And lastly, who would Johnny Depp have based his Captain Jack Sparrow on other than Keith Richards?

This is the cleanest they've EVER looked.

My list of other rockers he could have based the pirate on:

  • John Lennon (quiet, contemplative, bespectacled)
  • Paul McCartney (smarmy, polite, vegetarian)
  • Ringo Starr (drummer)
  • Meat Loaf (this could have really worked)

Bitch Tits himself.

And with that, the argument discussion ended.

After all was said and done, I really wanted to hear this song for some reason, and did you know the B-52’s Love Shack lyric

Tin roof – rusted!

means pregnant, and not on her period? You’re welcome.

Happy Finds… SNL Skits (And Tina Fey Bits) You May Not Have Seen

This is partly out of boredom at work (okay, it’s mostly out of boredom at work).

You see, my boss Paul (and friend – he’s definitely friendly today) once told me about an old Saturday Night Live sketch that involved Will Ferrell fighting a monkey.  It sounded hilarious, but I could never find it online.

Today, we searched.  We found.  We laughed.  I share.

Okay, so I don't share right away. It auto-played, so I moved the video to after the jump.

So I started poking around the TripleDoubleU for more random skits, and I found this unfamiliar character, The Falconer.  It’s funny despite itself…

I put his video after the jump so Will Ferrell wouldn't be alone...

Then this last bit isn’t the complete sketch.  Apparently, it was cut from the actual taping, but I caught a hint of it during the SNL special about the last decade of the show.  If you like Tina Fey, you may be sad this sketch didn’t make it to air.  If you like like Tina Fey, you will be sad.  Thank Hulu for YouTube!

(Videos on next page) Read More

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? This Is No Longer A Coinkydink, Right?

I once drunkenly questioned the intentions of a skit on Saturday Night Live, and wondered whether the bit was spoofing the Insane Clown Posse or not.

This occurred on the last episode hosted by Ryan Phillippe, and I can’t stop laughing about it:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Then I found out about this, and I can’t stop laughing about it more:

My Drunken Recollection has been proven, right?  I wish I had seen these videos in the opposite order, but oh well.  Just add it to the list of magical mysteries, under blankets and magnets…

In My Brain While Sleeping… Betty White As A Bad Guy

I’ve had a plethora of strange dreams leading up to the new year, but just as the memories of yesteryear have faded, so did those dreams by the time I (finally) woke up.  This one stuck with me.

"Welcome to My 'Ool - Notice There's No... Room"

There was a party going on at a castle, and I was keeping the free drinks coming (of course).  A volleyball game was starting in the pool, but it was packed to the gills (pun!), and my interest in playing was circling down the drain (pun?).

Sure, it was only over-filled to volley for complete pool possession (the winning side got to play), but I’d already made my way indoors.  I found a doorway that lead to a small underground city.  It was kind of like the old game Doom

With less monsters, and better graphics

…but more medieval, like a Renaissance Festival.

That's about the right amount of monsters

I was creeped out by the panhandlers and the merchants, so I returned upstairs to hit the free bar again (of course).  It was upon reaching the inner sanctum of the castle that I stumbled upon an authentic pub.  Or at least it was like a hotel version of one.

Aaron Eckhart and Anne Hathaway were there... for some reason

All of the sudden, from a hidden door behind the bar, Betty White emerged, looking like a (foreign) assassin.  Or I guess it could have been a foreign assassin disguised to look like Betty White.

"Thank you for being a fiend..."

She grabbed Anne Hathaway and ducked back into the door.  As Aaron Eckhart pursued, I finished my drink and followed.  We were back in the caverns, but they looked more like the tunnel that bridges (pun!) Detroit and Windsor, than the dingy dungeon from before.

This is an old photo.

Except there were copious amounts of bees and rats.

This is a doctored photo.

Aaron was terrified of the bees and rats and was ready to turn back, when a chain of shopping carts started to roll at him.  He held onto a bar above us as long as possible, but then he gave in a rode on top of them.  I ended up doing the same because I wanted to recreate the only good scene my favorite scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

"It's mine cart now!" - dialogue cut from the final film

I caught up with Aaron and we decided to look for Anne.  Then I woke up.

DREAM INGREDIENTS: I’m not sure.  But this is the second dream I’ve recently had involving one of the last surviving Golden Girls

Musical Musings… Taylor Swift Nails/Burns/Stakes Kristen Stewart

This past weekend marked the adorable debut of Taylor Swift as a certifiable triple-threat (singer, songwriter, and Actor!) on Saturday Night Live.  (It’s the singer/songwriter part that makes this a valid Musical MusingClick here to hear the funny – and honest – song she wrote for her monologue.)

Overall, I think she did great.  And I’ll admit – I may be biased.  (ProofMore proof.)  But given the material they wrote for her, you can’t deny that she has talent.

By far, this Digital Short took the strawberry cake.  (And it’s all over the web already… late start on my part.)  Check how her impression of Kristen Stewart stacks up by watching both videos below.  If you want to see the entire SNL episode, you’re a dummy for missing it live you must have a life on Saturday nights head on over to Hulu.

Vodpod videos no longer available.
Vodpod videos no longer available.

Drunken Recollection… So Many Questions, So Many Beers

Here are some drunk items that popped up and required follow up (mostly because either my iPhone’s battery was dead, or I was too sauced to check at that moment).  But it further proves my point.  Well, maybe not my point as much as my slogan – “I’m Thinking Meets Drinking.”

Q: Have I ever heard of the song In The Year 2525 by Zager and Evans?

A: No.  Well maybe.  But I like this video somebody put together:

Q: Have I ever heard of Saturday Night Live alum, Charles Rocket?

He's a real person? I thought was a robotic character, perhaps.

He's a real person? I thought was a robotic character, perhaps.

A: No.  Well maybe.  He’s familiar looking for sure:

In further research (wassup Wiki?!), I uncovered these additional tidbits:

  • He was touted as a cross between Bill Murray and Chevy Chase during the 80-81 season of SNL.
  • He uttered the word “fuck” at the end of a show, and ceremoniously got canned with the bulk of the cast and crew (save Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy).
  • He committed suicide… by slicing his own throat.

Q: Have I ever heard of author David Foster Wallace?

A: You mean the man behind Infinite Jest, which Time magazine included in their 100 greatest English-language novels since 1923?  You mean the man behind Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, which John Krasinski of The Office adapted into a film?  No.  Not at all.  I just learned all this. 

Also learned: he killed himself.  (Wassup withat?!)

Q: Have you heard the original version of Unchained Melody by Al Hibbler?

A: I have now.  But FYI – it technically wasn’t the original.  But it did pre-date Ghost’s theme song the Righteous Brothers version.

Q: Who was I hanging out with that asked me so many questions?!

Drunken Recollection… Shopping At Target As A Morality Play

Seven seasons of septegenerian heaven

Seven seasons of septuagenarian heaven

If there’s anything I’ve learned in this life, it’s two things:

1) Don’t shop while hungry tipsy.

The second one I’ll share at the end.

Basically, I met up with some friends for a couple of drinks after work and opted to stop at Target because I needed a few things.  Those few things needed:

  • Laundry detergent
  • Vitamins and fish oil pills
  • Air conditioner air filters
  • Um… Charmin
  • And some food

On the way into the store, I noticed someone had left their headlights on.  I memorized the license plate and approached the cart guy outside the store.  He told me to head to the customer guest service desk, where this happened:

Me: Excuse me, but someone left their headlights on in the parking lot.
Worker: They’ll probably just turn off themselves.
Me: I don’t think so.  It’s an old green Escort parked in a handicapped spot.
Worker: I’ll get to it when the line is clear.
(I wandered off to look at the sales ad in case the worker wanted more information.)
Random lady (leaving): You were very nice for doing that.
Me: Well thank you.

Me Just Grim...

Me Just Grim...

Feeling victorious and uplifted, I made my way to the toy section first.  No real reason why, other than force of (forcive?) habit… of collecting.  Being in between a series of collectibles to search for, I’ve often eyed the animated Transformers toy line, and upon finally hearing the worker announce the Escort parked in a handicapped spot with its headlights on, I picked up a mini-Grimlock.  No essentials yet.  Just a small child’s toy.

I rounded the corner into the Lego aisle and what did I see?  Brand new Indiana Jones playsets.  Say what you will (and I have) about the last movie, the playsets from Raiders, Temple of Doom, and Last Crusade are pretty sweet, and in my hands in an instant (Ambush in Cairo almost made the cut).

Deflated and defeated, I put back everything but Grimlock and walked over to the electronics section.  Guess what I discovered there?

Every season of Golden Girls for $9 each!

I had a similar impulse a few weeks ago when the first four seasons of Saturday Night Live was on sale for $20 each, but this one I’d follow through.  Several weekends in September are about to be booked up.  Mjusayn.

I eventually gathered up my remaining essentials, plus a ton of food.  (Yay! Hard salami‘s back at Target!  For now…)  I put the bottle of Gain laundry detergent and a bottle of Liquid Plumr (‘cuz you never know) on the bottom of the cart, and a thought crossed my mind:

I wonder if someone will check the bottom of the cart…

At the checkout counter, the clerk brought something to everyone’s attention:

Somebody really must like Golden Girls.

I emptied the basket and pushed it forward to refill it with bagged items.  I noticed I had slipped the Gain and Liquid Plumr past the clerk.  I looked back into the eyes of the people that laughed at my must really liking Golden Girls, and a voice echoed in my head:

You were very nice for doing that.

I removed the two jugs from off the lower tray.  “I almost forgot something.”

After paying, I headed to my vehicle, past where an Escort with a dead battery could have been.  As I filled my trunk with purchases, the cart attendant approached to help.  I said thanks, and he nodded as he took the cart to add it to the returning basket train.


Oh yeah, and the other thing I learned:

2) Don’t assume your friends ordered whatever beer was
on special, because it just might be regularly priced.

JusWondering… What Would I Put On A Bucket List?

Who's the angel and who's the devil? I'll let you decide...

Who's the angel and who's the devil? I'll let you decide...

I have never seen Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman’s The Bucket List (or would it be director Rob Reiner’s?  Whatevs…)  Anymarryinghisgrandaughter (yikes Morgan!), the topic sort of came up the other day about what things would be put on a, uuum, things to do before you die list.  The following is my start:

  • I must go (play? participate in?) curling.  I’ve been (played? participated in?) duckpin bowling before over in Canada, plus I thoroughly enjoy hockey.  Curling is the next logical step, eh?
  • I want to see a platypus in person.  I realized I’ve been on this planet for a decent stretch of time, and I’ve never seen one, even at a zoo.  You know, because I just might run into one at the Electronic Music Festival
  • I want to host Saturday Night Live.  I’m not sure what the steps will be to get to do this.  I hope it involves being a successful blogger, because I’ve at least got the blogging part going.  I’m a big fan of sitting on my couch.
  • I want to be on Dancing with the Stars.  I’d like to learn how to dance in the classic style.  For free.  From above-average professionals.  And, oh yeah, to get paid to do so.  Perhaps this is a step in getting to host Saturday Night Live.
  • I will continue this list…
It's like a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger!

It's like a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger!

InASense, Lost… Furries (The If’s, And’s, & Yiff’s)

(UPDATE: Check out pic at the end.)

When I begin to investigate the nature of something which I do not initially understand, I take a deep breath, and prepare myself for the unexpected.  As is the case with the concept of furries, I took a deeper breath, and held onto it for dear life.  Who knew what I’d find.

To begin, allow me to share what prompted this study (via AOTS):

Whenever someone goes to painstaking lengths (I say painstaking because I’m lazy, you see) to create, um, a recreation of this calibre for no real reason, my curiosity is peaked.  Why would anybody make their own version of Dick in a Box for one?  For two – why as anthropomorphic animals?

Immediately, I went to the best source of all truth and accuracy on the web – Mr. Wikipedia himself.  And right off the bat, I was amazed to discover what I understood about furries was completely off.  I’ll get to that in a second.

My opinions had changed because my perception had been changed:

Originally, I had believed that all furries were sexual in nature and creepy in general, and my reaction to the above videos was not cast in a favorable light.  But according to Ms. Wikipedia (I changed my mind about the site’s gender as well, because she’s always right), I learned this:

Many members of the furry community feel that the overly sexual component gives the rest of them a bad name, and may use the derogatory term “furvert” to describe such people…

The term “yiff” is most commonly used to indicate sexual activity or sexual material within the fandom—this applies to sexual activity and interaction within the subculture whether online (in the form of cybersex) or offline…

Most furry fans claim that these media portrayals are misconceptions, while the recent coverage focuses on debunking myths and stereotypes that have come to be associated with the furry fandom…

So as it turns out, those videos aren’t sexual in nature.  They’re just creepy in general. 

(I’m kidding, of course, because who am I to judge.  Do you realize how difficult it is to type with paws?)

He should have been an Ewok.

He should have been an Ewok.