TV

InASense, Lost… Kiss My Zodiac

Posted on by sgottahurt

 

How fucking stupid is this sign?

 

The more I think about this, the more angry I get.  It’s this exact kind of crap that makes people skeptics about astrology in the first place.

Though I loathe to admit it – I’m kind of into the zodiac.  I’ve read enough things about Capricorns (what I am) to see the merit of it all.

Do I find astrology to be absolute? Absolutely not.

But are there some truths in there? I’d at least say there are patterns.

My belief in the entire zodiac affair is comparable to the whole nature vs. nurture debate, in the sense that the your birth sign has designs about your life, but not necessarily much influence.

I view it as the explanation to why you click with some people instantly, and reject others just as easily.  It’s also the reason why people in my life that share the same birth signs have the same types of friendships with me.

But this Ophiucus (“o-few-cus”) garbage has me butting my head against the wall (like a Goat would, but not necessarily like a Cap).  It’s New Age-y mumbo-jumbo.  It seems like cockamamie bullcrap manifested out of thin air… like horoscopes.

It’s like everything I’ve ever defended with…

It’s not made up!  They know what they’re doing!

…is happening all over again…

 

"It's not made up! They know what they're doing!"

 

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… The Infamous Tropical Vacation Episode

Posted on by sgottahurt

Warning! Might cause Vincent Price to kidnap you!

I had to pick this right back up because… I didn’t have anything else to get to.

I recently touched upon the subject of tropical films and how they tend not to be very good.  How can you expect quality work while working in a quality place?

The same tends to happen on TV, when the infamous tropical vacation episodes occur, or at least they used to.

And why wouldn’t TV producers want to set the episode(s) in exotic locales?  They deserve a vacation more than the characters!

I presented it in the similar movie list as Exceptions and Rules.  This time, it’s going to be Just Shitty or The Shit.  I will not include any shows set in exotic locales, although they’ll get a special mention at the end.  And I’m sticking primarily to sitcoms, because most dramas suck anyway.

JUST SHITTY

In order of release:

 THE SHIT

So why do some work, while most didn’t?  I believe it depends on the show’s take.  For most if not all of the Just Shitty’s, the travel seemed shoehorned into a story just so everybody could go to Hawaii.  It’s especially strange that the majority of episodes occur in the beginning of the third season.

Where Friends differs is that it was “just a beach.”  Plus, it kicked off or hinted at some major series events (Monica and Chandler, anyone?), plus Joey peed on Monica.  I believe that’s a first for network television.  Scrubs celebrated the show’s upcoming finale by going to the Bahamas, and it was quite aware of what a stereotype travel episodes were.  And as for Modern Family, it just happened to be another episode (in the first season).

So in closing, if it’s a gimmick, it’s going to suck.  If it just happens to be, it may not suck, but the odds are against you.  Go on vacation in the off-season.  You don’t need to film while you’re there.

And as for shows that take place (or were filmed) in Hawaii, it’s quite the opposite:

THE SHIT

  • Magnum, P.I.
  • Hawaii Five-O (original and remake)
  • Fantasy Island (original and remake)
  • Jake and the Fatman
  • Gilligan’s Island

JUST SHITTY

  • LOST

(I could not have done this without TV Tropes.  Thanks!)

Hibbidy-Wah?! The 80’s Are Alive! (…In Prague!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This could have just as easily fallen under a Musical Musing post, but the obscure cross-section of music I’ve heard while in Prague honestly makes me say, Hibbidy-Wah?!

Some of these took a fair amount of research to uncover.  Some… I quite readily knew.  Hey!  Howzabout we have a So, Duh! Pop Quiz Pop Quiz.  See if you can guess which artists I knew, and which ones I didn’t.  Those answers will be after the jump.

1) Mike + the Mechanics’ All I Need Is a Miracle (amazingly, we heard this more than once)

2) The Climax Blues Band’s I Love You (I was going to look for a better video, then I realized this could not be topped)

3) Air Supply’s Sweet Dreams (I was wrong… the above video could be topped)

4) Genesis’ Man on the Corner (what a creepy song, eh?)

5) Bryan Adams’ Straight From the Heart (this is a video masterpiece… not only does it represent the Czech’s affection for How I Met Your Mother, but also how important apostrophes are)

(Did you guess if I guessed right?  Did you care?) Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… You Never Wanna Dream This Feeling

Posted on by sgottahurt

Welcome to the nightmare.

I don’t know if our time was up.  If it was the end days, it was the last day.  Our destroyer had arrived, and whether it was giants, transparent entities, The Big Guy (or Gal), or aliens, the method of our demise was tantamount to pulling our plugs.

No really.  It was as if our plugs were pulled out.  Specifically, our spines.

For me, it wasn’t a smooth transition from the here to the next.

As we waited like Chicken McNuggets in a 50 piece box for our turn, we remained silent, contemplative, reliving every moment of our lives.  I was the only one that seemed to be panicky.  When I was lifted up for the extraction, I was wiggling.  The overlord grabbed my tailbone, and yanked.  It felt like a giant tooth being pulled out of your ass and a plank-sized splinter from your mind.

I was a piled mess.  But I was still aware.

As I looked around at the other human globules, I realized they no longer contained life.

I couldn’t scream.  I couldn’t even make a peep.  How was I going to get their attention to inform them that I wasn’t destroyed?

They knew, though.  And quickly I was lifted back up.  My spine was shoved back into my body, and like a plumbing snake, it was fished about and yanked once again.  With this, I woke up.

Now how is this a post about pop culture?  Here are some pop culture representations of how I felt:

Mojo from the X-Men

Chet from Weird Science

Mr. Bill after an accidentMr. Potato Head in Toy Story 3

Paul "Shitbreak" Finch in American Pie



Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (and CNN broadcast)

Pizza the Hutt in Space Balls

Melting guy in Street Trash

Chicken McNuggets

(SIDENOTE: I highly recommend not ever having this dream.)

INGREDIENTS: Kielbasa bought at 1am outside of a train station in Prague.  (First Czech Republic trip shout out!)

JusWondering… Why Can Rappers Act And Not Rockers?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Parents just don't understand... that I used to be a rapper!

Thank the New Years Baby (and this post on NY Mag’s Vulture) that I don’t have to figure out all the rappers turned Actors! and their levels of success crossing over.  In a nutshell, from most Actor! to least Actor!, I present their list (which is worth checking out):

  1. Will Smith
  2. Marky Mark
  3. Queen Latifah
  4. Ice Cube
  5. Common
  6. Ice-T
  7. Mos Def
  8. 50 Cent
  9. Tupac
  10. Ludacris
  11. Drake
  12. Snoop Dogg
  13. Eminem

Sure, this list missed plenty of others, such as:

  • LL Cool J – “NCIS: Los Angeles,” Any Given Sunday
  • Xzibit – Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, xXx: State of the Union
  • T.I. – Takers, ATL
  • DMX – Cradle 2 The Grave, Exit Wounds
  • Ja Rule – Assault on Precinct 13, The Fast and the Furious

Oh wait, and there’s also:

  • Bow Wow – Lottery Ticket, Like Mike
  • André 3000 – Four Brother, Be Cool
  • Big Boi – Idlewild, Who’s Your Caddy?
  • Method Man – “The Wire,” How High
  • Redman – Seed of Chucky, How High

Damn.  That list didn’t help as much as I thought.  I found ten more on my (sorta) own.

Anywhooptiewoon****wut, that being said, how many rockers can you name?

  • Jon Bon Jovi (Pay It Forward, U-571)
  • Gene Simmons (Extract, Runaway)
  • Chris Isaak (Silence of the Lambs, Married to the Mob)
  • Mick Jagger (Freejack, Ned Kelly)
  • Joan Jett (Light of Day)
  • …Neil Diamond? (The Jazz Singer)

It’s a fairly scant list with not a large catalog behind them.  What if you add in huge popular stars?

  • Elvis Presley (a bunch of films)
  • Frank Sinatra (Manchurian Candidate)
  • Madonna (Evita, Despertely Seeking Susan)
  • Barbra Streisand (Little Fockers, Funny Girl)
  • Cher (Moonstruck, Mask)
  • Prince (Purple Rain, Under the Cherry Moon)
  • Diana Ross (The Wiz, Lady Sings the Blues)
  • Mariah Carey (Precious, Glitter)
  • Janet Jackson (Poetic Justice, Why Did I Get Married?)

And the ingenues?

  • Britney Spears (Crossroads)
  • Jessica Simpson (The Dukes of Hazzard, Employee of the Month)
  • Mandy Moore (Tangled, Saved!)
  • Christina Aguilera (Burlesque, Shark Tale)
  • Avril Lavigne (Over the Hedge, Fast Food Nation)
  • Ashanti (Coach Carter, John Tucker Must Die)
  • Aaliyah (Romeo Must Die, Queen of the Damned)

…oh yeah, and…

  • Justin Timberlake (The Social Network, Alpha Dog)

And finally, I can’t forget about country folk and the rest:

  • Dolly Parton (Nine to Five, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)
  • Harry Connick, Jr. (P.S. I Love You, Hope Floats)
  • Dwight Yoakam (Sling Blade, Red Rock West)
  • Travis Tritt (The Cowboy Way, Fire Down Below)

Let’s add all that up (correctly assuming I’ve missed much):

  • 23 rappers
  • 6 rock stars
  • 9 pop stars
  • 8 ingenues
  • 4 country stars

Quite the spread.  My theory on why this is happens to be the same reason why comedians can cross into acting easier than Actors! can become comical…

Their day job is a lot harder.

In other words, it’s like asking a heart surgeon to bring in shopping carts.

tv show travis stork

I don't think this guy could bring in shopping carts...

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… How Video Games Could Go The Way Of The Cinema

Posted on by sgottahurt

I could start this post off with a partisan political slam, but that’s not what this site is about, so I won’t.

Instead, I will hint about it and borrow Stephen Colbert’s concept of

TRUTHINESS

because this about something I can’t prove, but it just feels right.

Allow me to begin with an image:

It's better that swallowing pennies.

What you see is a computer generated image of my gut feeling that video games may soon go the way of the cinema.

By that I don’t mean they will soon become megaplexes that take over strip malls and shut down at the earliest signs of ticket sale decline.

No, instead I feel that as new games become easier and easier to produce and replicate, the quality will decrease.

As of right now, according to some random person the video game industry releases 30 major releases per year.  That’s less than one per week.

Hollywood, on the other hand, releases at least one movie per week, and usually it’s more than that.  According to another random source, in 2007, there were 453 movies made.  That’s the amount of movies produced, and not necessarily released, but you can see the vast difference.

Now back to the gaming market.  Of those alleged “truthy” 30 games – even if there were 100 – that’s not taking into account the new outlets available.  The iPhone/iPod Touch.  Android devices.  The Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft marketplaces.  Games are being released at alarming rates, and what happens when that, um, happens?

I’ll put it in movie terms.

For every Inception, you’ll get Yogi Bear, The Last Airbender, Jonah Hex, Eat Prey Love, The Killers…

I miss the old days of the anticipation for the newest Zelda game (wait we still do) or the next Super Mario (ditto).

The long and the short of it is… creative industry insiders should take their time to make one solid film/game versus ten mediocre ones.  Let’s get back to The Shit, and far away from Just Shitty.

All I Want For Christmas Is… Courtney Ford And Kate Beahan To Get More Roles!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Courtney Ford.  Kate Beahan.

If neither of those names are familiar, here are the faces to go with them:

Courtney Ford

Kate Beahan

Courtney is probably best known for her role in season four of Dexter (and not for her marriage to Superman), but she first came to my attention in an episode of How I Met Your Mother (“The Naked Man“).  She played an awful person on HIMYM, but she did this on Dexter.  She will forever be in my heart, and needs more opportunities to do what she did on Dexter.

Kate has not fared as well in America as she has in her homeland (she’s Australian… I love Australian accents).  Her biggest role here was in The Wicker Man, and this is a sample of the material she had to work with:

Come on Hollywood!  Give her another shot!  At least one better than Nick Cage in a bear suit punching a woman!

Hibbidy-Wah?! Why Were Jokes Cut From The DVD?

Posted on by sgottahurt

How could he keep from kissing her? Aside from lawsuits anyway.

This, my dear friends, is the tale of me embarking upon a slippery slope.  I do have my defense at the ready as to why I would remember such a small detail, and I do have proof.  It’s been a while since I’ve jumped into the rabbit hole, and I think I’ve missed hanging out in the dirt.

AnyGreendale, I’ve been watching the first season of Community on DVD and I’ve noticed something that’s alarmed me.  There are actual jokes missing that made it to air but the digital disc.  In a world where uncut DVD’s are the norm, why is this show the exception!

The one I noticed for 100% sure happened in the beginning of the episode Social Psychology.  I know this for two reasons (besides this proof I’ve found), which I’ll get to after the proof.  This line, listed in AV Club’s review of the ep, is not on the DVD release:

You’re an eight, which is a British 10.

You can see it in action here:

Now how did I remember this independent of my research?

  1. Community is one of the few shows I watch more than once on my DVR (this, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and Delocated).
  2. I like Alison Brie.  And I thought her various “Oh’s” were brilliantly executed.

And it’s not the only bit trimmed.  This is from a review site’s thread (video proof here):

My only gripe with this release: One episode is cut down from the TV version. Chang’s opening scene (where he puts his face right into Annie’s and calls her “Princess Gringa”) is gone, and so is a couple of really funny lines from John Oliver (who was barely in the show as it is!).

All I Want For Christmas Is… To Know Why!?

Drunken Recollection… If The Rolling Stones Never Existed

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s not like I’m a huge fan of The Beatles and think their shit doesn’t stink (a dung Beatle, if you will), but you cannot deny the fact that they have had a major impact on pop culture.

On the other hand, one night over more than a few brews, I decided that The Rolling Stones could have “not” existed, and we wouldn’t be missing much.

Sure, this Saturday Night Live skit would have never existed:

And there would have been no Paint It Black for The Doors to cover. Wait, the version I thought was Jim Morrison and crew was Mick Jagger and crew?

Well, there would have been no Wild Horses for The Sundays to cover at least (and to be honest, we probably could have lived without this one):

And lastly, who would Johnny Depp have based his Captain Jack Sparrow on other than Keith Richards?

This is the cleanest they've EVER looked.

My list of other rockers he could have based the pirate on:

  • John Lennon (quiet, contemplative, bespectacled)
  • Paul McCartney (smarmy, polite, vegetarian)
  • Ringo Starr (drummer)
  • Meat Loaf (this could have really worked)

Bitch Tits himself.

And with that, the argument discussion ended.

After all was said and done, I really wanted to hear this song for some reason, and did you know the B-52’s Love Shack lyric

Tin roof – rusted!

means pregnant, and not on her period? You’re welcome.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Reason Why Disney Bought Marvel Comics

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t know why I ever feel compelled to proclaim how strange a dream is when I’m revealing it either way.

One handed drum roll please:

It became apparently clear to me in My Brain While Sleeping why The Walt Disney Company gobbled up Marvel Comics (aside from the fact they wanted another marketing outlet comparable to Time Warner’s hold on DC Comics, as well as supplying the much-needed financial backing a major corporation could give the flailing superhero imprint… whew).

The entire reason could be summed up in this crappily made picture:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

You see, upon leaving Disney/ABC’s Home Improvement, best child star Jonathan Taylor Thomas left to star in the unreleased film, Machine Boy.  Realizing a bit too late into production that they had an Iron Man ripoff on their hands (and a clunker to boot – puns intended), Disney shelved the movie fearing lawsuits of copyright infringement.  But worry no more!  As soon as they could, the little old lady that swallowed the (Mickey) mouse swallowed the spider (man), and you heard it here first:

WALT DISNEY and MARVEL COMICS proudly present

MACHINE BOY

JUNE 2011