Humor

Awful Battle… Crappy Movie Endings That Are (Surprise!) Crappy

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s been said that a movie’s ending will make or break it.  In the case of these films, they were already broken, so the finales bring it on home.

AWFUL BATTLE… ACTION!

American Anthem

Don’t let the pectacular stud on the poster fool you, this ending is full of non-sequiturs.  Apparently, this film featured like 100 characters and required as many asides, glances, and incidents of closure.  Don’t believe me about the amount of reaction shots?  Look out for:

  • the creepy coach with dentures
  • moustached gymnasts
  • a mentally-challenged (?) wolfman-ish brother (?)
  • an 80’s rocker girl
  • Ocean Spray logos
  • smoking hands
  • the bad kid from Karate Kid
  • a Santa Claus biker with his child sidekick
  • lots of thumbs-ups
  • the return of an absentee (possibly recovering alcoholic) father
  • flashing lights
  • an army of gay bikers
  • Mary Lou Retton (?)
  • Little Orphan Annie
american_anthem

Click Poster For Video

Locusts

Made for CBS in 2005, at first viewing, you would think this film was intending to be a tongue-in-cheek comedy.  According to iMDB IMDb, these are the categories it falls under:

Action | Sci-Fi | Horror | Drama | Thriller

With scenes like this it’s hard to believe, but with an ending like the one below, I’m thinking IMDb is full of kidders.

locusts

Click Poster For Video

R.O.T.O.R.

What can I add to the splendor of the horror that is this inept piece of cinema.  Oh yeah.  R.O.T.O.R. stands for: Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research.  The flick’s poster is more robotic than the robot in the film, and it’s made of paper.

rotor_poster

Click Poster For Video

Student Confidential

This one already made it’s way around the TripleDoubleU, but it has to be included in this Awful Battle.  Creepy must hang in the air around any of the Jackson family… in this case, it’s Michael’s brother, Marlon.

studentconfidential

You Know What To Do

JusWondering… What Do These Cell Phone Notes Mean?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s been awhile since I’ve checked out the notes on my old phone (mostly because I’ve since purchased a new phone), but I was going through transcribing the tips and ideas.  I understood most.  These left me clueless:

  1. loren lion
  2. stat based
  3. rhett butler flog
  4. phlattline.com
  5. face movie pix
  6. 2 24th cleo arrest
  7. kangaroo
  8. barely hear my own horn

First off, loren lion. Was this a clever name I feared I would forget?  Was it a particular lion I needed to look into?  Maybe the answer was based in statistics.

Why I put this:

flog

With this guy:

rhettbutler

Might make my brain phlattline.com.

Face movie pix could have been an invention, or a story idea, or a… picture of faces in a movie?

I think the cleo arrest might have something to do with Miss Cleo getting arrested, but I don’t think she was ever incarcerated, 2 times, let alone a 24th time.

Um, yeah… he exists:

Yeah... whattaboutit?

Yeah... so whattaboutit?

And I guess it’s true: I can barely hear my own horn.  I’m glad I made a note of it.

Musical Musings… Masterful Feline Musicians

Posted on by sgottahurt

I really wish I would have saved this picture:

Play him off, cat piano!

Can't wait for the Meow Re-Mix

Perviously used in this post, it goes along purrfectly with this edition of Musical Musings.  If you dove into this post willy-nilly without reading the above title, or if you have an aversion to reading large letters in bold typeface, allow me to introduce you to two of the most fascinating felines ever to grace the music scene (not counting Keyboard Cat or Josie and the Pussycats*, ‘natch). 

The Classical Approach:

The Modern Take (wait for the breakdown at the end):

The Interpretive (Canine) Dance:

*It’s a shame, but I forgot how cute Tara Reid actually was, and I really do miss Rachael Leigh Cook.  Wha’ happen to her? And look how young Rosario Dawson, um,  looks.  Eight years really makes a difference, I guess.  And that’s my deep thought for the day.

The Reason Why It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (I Could Watch This 100 Times)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This may seem apropos of nothing, but golly gee, is this show awesome or what…

 

Huzzah for the new season!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… USPS

Posted on by sgottahurt

Established in 1775 by Benjamin Franklin, the United States Postal Service was a necessity.  People wanted to get messages to each other, and due to the Great Falcon Shortage of 1772 and the Mass Page Suicide Pact of 1774, providing this service was a must.  Though many people who “know” history will “claim” the Great Falcon Shortage and Mass Page Suicide Pact never happened, this truth remains – the US Postal Service was The Shit.

"Get yer hope right hyere..."

"Get yer hope right hyere..."

 Think about it.  How else did people communicate?  By talking face-to-face and… um, by telling somebody else to send a message.

Sometimes they ring four times...

Sometimes they ring four times...

In our modern age, we forget how essential the USPS was to building our country, and I don’t want to go into specifics (mostly because I don’t feel like looking them up), but according to – who else – Wikipedia:

Employing 656,000 workers and 260,000 vehicles, it is the second-largest civilian employer in the United States (after Walmart) and the operator of the largest civilian vehicle fleet in the world.

So the question that remains – how have they become Just Shitty?

Is it a sense that they aren’t as vital to our country anymore, given that we have other methods of communication, bill paying, and package sending?

Or are my feelings strictly personal?  The USPS was afterall responsible for these deliveries:

img_1067

Strike 1...

usps

Strike 2...

Worth 1002 Words… Back To School Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

wtf_pics-science-fair

Homophobe Schooled

Some alternates:

  • Androgynous Kid
  • Grade: HIV+
  • Classless Project
  • Parents Aided
  • Award Whinnying
  • That’s gaaaaaaay…

(Thanks Dave)

(SIDENOTE: I officially invite all to add to the list in the comments section!  Remember, TWO WORDS MAX!  All caps optional.)

InASense, Lost… Chuck E. Cheese Has Gone Bleu

Posted on by sgottahurt

When I was a kid, there was a place I was allowed to be one, fully and freely.

If I wanted to do any of the following:

  • run around
  • eat pizza
  • puke up fountain pop
  • play skeeball
  • crack open the coin container on the spaceship ride and stock up on shit tons (which is way more than crap loads) of tokens
  • collect a crap load of tickets
  • stock up on magic tricks received in fair trade of the aforementioned tickets
  • beat little kids at air hockey in order to overrun the table for my friends and I

I could.  At ShowBiz Pizza Place.  That was back before they were bought out and became Chuck E. Cheese and changed their name.

Anyzaxxon, when I was a kid, the arcade games were really what it was all about.  Paperboy, Tron, watching somebody else play Dragon’s Lair.  These are where my memories truly remain.

So imagine my surprise (I think this is my catch phrase for all my InASense, Lost posts) when I visited Chuck E. Cheese after a long hiatus (it was my friends’ offspring’s first birthday), and this was their game selection?

chuck2

It's a virtual jump rope game. And my fantasy?

chuck3

The joystick placement made me feel uncomfortable. As did the Hungry Dragon's face.

chuck4

"Canning Master" makes me think of "sodomy." As does "Mr. Brown."

chuck5

Nothing too bad, I guess. But again with the fantasy?

chuck1

Um...

Happy Finds… When American Culture Pops Overseas

Posted on by sgottahurt

Well, I don’t know exactly what pop culture activity in America spurned this, but considering the hip hop, the sunglasses, and the kicking of burgers, we obviously inspired it:

BONUS: If you haven’t seen this yet, you must still be on dial-up and rabbit ears:

Drunken Recollection…The Mysteries Of Mexico

Posted on by sgottahurt

While on vacation a couple weeks ago in Mehico, I picked up a few things other than the Spanish language (and The Clap… you all know The Clap… it goes with this song:

and… end parenthetical).

Anyquién, I also decided I loathe the above remake, but that’s neither here nor there.  Well, it was there, at the resort, where my dislike upgraded to loathe because they played it every day at the pool.  Now onto the mysteries!

MYSTERY 1) A fair amount of time ago, a friend was telling me about a documentary he watched on Animal Planet or Discovery that was about “cutie fish.”  He told me about how they are amongst the smartest invertebrates, and about their survival methods.  Interesting, thought I, and I preceded to look them up… and found nothing.

In Mexico, some friends went snorkeling and mentioned that they saw “cuttlefish.”  Which look like this:

cuttlefish

Neither a fish, nor cute.

And match the description given by my friend in regard to “cutie fish.”

MYSTERY – SOLVED!

MYSTERY 2) In my relaxing vacational TV viewing, I stumbled across a cartoon featuring a bunch of eggs that were battling, while some eggs were tied to a roller coaster track.  One of them was friends with a strip of bacon, and one guy looked like this:

eggdude

(Not So) Artistic Representation

It didn’t help that it was in Spanish, but I’ve not been able to find anything like it on Google image search.

BONUS MYSTERY: There was some CGI black and white movie that was in English, and it had a fairly intense shower sex scene.  The main character’s name was Don Hudson, and he was being hunted by people the woman he just slept showered with called.  There were reed accents throughout.  Google search?  Nada.

MYSTERIES – UNSOLVED

MYSTERY 3) In other TV viewing, there was some crappy Danny DeVito movie (I found out was entitled, Other People’s Money), and his character’s name was Larry Garfield.  Now that’s not much on its own (although it was weird I had just watched Stand and Deliver and the school it took place at was also named Garfield High School), but after watching Shoot ‘Em Up, I theorized Odie meant “hate.”

Got home and Babel Fished it:

odietranslation

Boo-yah!  Mystery solved!  But a newer mystery remained.  Did Garfield creator Jim Davis name his yellow dog this because his feline star hated him?

Apparently, no:

Odie was based on a car dealership commercial written by Jim Davis, which featured Odie the Village Idiot.  Davis liked the name Odie and decided to use it again.

MYSTERIES – (UNSATISFACTORILY) SOLVED!

MYSTERY 4) Um, Boston Legal was called Justicia Ciega.  What did it translate to?  I figured justicia = legal, but what did ciega mean?  Well on another show or movie (I don’t recall which one), a car accident almost occurred and a woman screamed, “What are you, blind?”  Ciega flashed on the bottom.  Boston Legal = Justicia Ciega = Blind Justice.

MYSTERY – SOLVED!

MYSTERY 5) Why did I spend so much time watching TV?

MYSTERY – UNSOLVED…

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Crossing Sign Designs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Here’s a heads up.  Coinkydink means something’s a coincidence.  Coinkydonk would be something on purpose.  Okay, heads down.

It’s common when traveling America’s roads to see a familiar black-on-yellow figure warning of upcoming road hazards.  Most of them are simple in detail, and refer to moving objects.

tractorxing

Looks like the John Deere Playskool model, I reckon.

Deer animals bear the brunt of the signs that resemble squashed bumblebees (sorry, PETA).

xingdeer

It's like that WWII raising the flag statue (sorry Vets)...

Sometimes though, the graphic representations can get a little cartoony.

xingducks

Is that one duck taunting me?

But when it comes to people, the images representing us are as simple as those on the bathroom stalls.

xingschool

"We're looking for the restroom. These are newspapers in our hands, if you catch my meaning."

Except in this case:

xingrun

I... I don't know what to say.

Apparently, these signs were initially put up to warn of fleeing immigrants, but it is much more detailed than most of the others.  The only one with as much “character” is the duck crossing sign, and this leads me ponder:

Is it a coincidence that the more detailed the design, the less serious I want to take it?  Or is the intention of the designers to make you notice the warning?

So to translate:

  • Coinkydink – They’re funny.
  • Coinkydonk – They’re noticeable.

(SIDENOTE: I do find it humorous when people stick electrical tape under the deer on its standard crossing sign.)