Humor

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Double Dose Of Sci-Fi, Not A Bit Of Sex

Posted on by sgottahurt

I often find myself debating the big questions of the universe.  The biggest? 

Am I a nerd, a dork, or a geek?

This pair of dreams that I had in one (count ’em, one!) night might mean the answer to the overhead head-banger is:

All of the above

DREAM SEQUENCE ALPHA

BlueManGroup

"Why so blue...?"

Life was going on as normal, if you consider normal being tormented by a Blue Man (not of any particular Group, it seemed).  Determined to destroy my life – and possibly murder me – this Blue Man turned up everywhere.

Work.  Home.  Bars.  Family and friends’ homes.

I couldn’t escape his attacks (unfortunately, as it is with dreams, the details are a little fuzzy).  When I finally stood my ground and confronted him, he acknowledged that I passed his test.

As it turned out, he was an Omnipotent Immortal and indeed belonged to a Group of like-hued fellows.  Their numbers were diminishing, and all the hell I had went through was like a hazing process.

Long story short, I became a Blue Man and started tormenting my friends and family with all my new found powers…

DREAM SEQUENCE BETA

I was standing in a dim room full of floating dust, dander bouncing and dancing in the narrow beams of sunlight.

A friend turned to me and said:

The entire Star Trek universe is in this room.  Like how that entire galaxy fit in a marble in the first Men in Black film…

mibmarble

I'm squishing your head, I mean, universe.

 Then he corrected himself:

Well, not the Delta Quadrant.  I didn’t really like Voyager that much.

startrekgalaxy

I looked closely at the soaring particles, and this is what I saw.

 INGREDIENTS: Peanut butter on a bagel back in the mix.  Yeah yeah!

Hibbidy-Wah?! Wah. The. F—.

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve seen a few horror films that have creeped me out, and one documentary that reduced me to a shambled mess, but this may the first documentary that gives me the heebie-jeebies (I had it once already as a kid, but I’ve heard you can catch it again, unlike chicken pox, but very much like cooties.)

I dare you to watch the entire preview.  In fact, you must watch the entire preview.

Awful Battle… Infomercial Ideas

Posted on by sgottahurt

There are few stones left unturned in this world when it comes to new inventions and products.  Until robots or nanotechnology really take off, we’re left with these bright and shiny new ideas.

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

Tired of staring at ladies’ asses, and not feeling any real connection?  Then howzabout these!

Do you wish your dog would not be such an animal, and crap all over this place in public?  Then you might be interested in this for your mutt’s butt!

Tired of torturing your small yappers by forcing tight sweaters over their head?  Then you’re an idiot and you’ll love this!

JusWondering… Will These Movies Ever See The Light Of Day?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It was just announced last week the Masters of the Universe movie was cancelled, and although the version in the works sounded craptastic, it pains me a bit to know that a live action version is further away.  But given the track record with cartoons about toys being given their due on the silver screen, I think a lot of those dues haven’t been paid, nor will they.  Sure, in ten years Transformers or G.I. Joe may or may not get rebooted, but will I care?  (Odds are yes.  Because technically, this MOTU a reboot, and I do care.)

I apologize for the fact that I posted this video almost a year ago, but it’s too awesome and helpful in imagining what a He-Man movie could be like:

And how bad ass would this Thundercats movie be:

Plus, with the fate of the third Batman film from director Christopher Nolan up in the air, does this whet your appetite?

Batman 3

I'm not drooling, am I?

Finally, and this is definitely off-topic but in line with the post’s title, has anyone ever seen this movie?

The secret of his suck-cess

The secret of his suck-cess

Musical Musings… Bait-And-Switch CD’s, Rated By Surprised Grandmothers

Posted on by sgottahurt

As a self-proclaimed prankster, I have to admit I love it when musicians release their crossover tunes onto easy-listening stations, knowing full well that their CD is nothing like that one song.  Unwitting grandmothers and soccer moms hear it and think, “What a pleasant melody,” so they head to Target to pick it up, and image their shock at the remainder of the album.  (I wanted to go into a whole thing about grandmothers looking for LP’s and cassette tapes, but I thought it was mean and stopped myself.)

So what better way to express the level of shock value than by rating them with surprised grandmothers?

The latest culprit: Shinedown, with their album The Sound of Madness

A few other groups have done it in the past, like Rise Against and their album Siren Song of the Counter Culture.

Green Day committed the act late in the game, on their CD Nimrod.

Oh, and what can I say about Extra co-host, Mark McGrath’s, “humble” beginnings in Sugar Ray.  For the record (clever pun!), their first CD, Lemonade and Brownies (juvenile pun!) looked like this:

Nicole Eggert of "Charles In Charge" and something called... "Baywatch"?

Nicole Eggert of "Charles In Charge" and something called... "Baywatch"?

It was their second album, Floored, that pulled the bait-and-switch.

  • The Crossover: Fly
  • The Reality: RPM
  • Surprised Grandmother:

    "Turn that racket off!"

    "Turn that racket off!"

(SIDENOTE: Both of the above videos were integral to launching McG’s future career as a feature film director.  So every time you see Mark McGrath mugging on Extra, you can thank him for making Lemonade=Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle and Brownies=Terminator Salavation possible.  And McGrath <> McG?  Do I smell a conspiracy?  Nope.  Just turds.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Fantasy Movies

Posted on by sgottahurt

NOTE: Everything that follows is my opinion… and it’s all fact.

Fantasy movies are geared toward the audience that longs to be whisked away, and that’s namely the pre-teens of this world.  The reason why they are so susceptible: there’s still imagination (child-like wonder) remaining in their brains.  Any adult that is too into fantasy films obviously has a mental/social disorder (hello PotHeads and Twihards)…

I’m not meaning to be mean.  I’m merely meaning to get to the bottom of why fantasy films don’t do it for me anymore.

Growing up, I loved Clash of the Titans, The Beastmaster, The Dark Crystal, Gremlins, Tron, The Princess Bride, and some movies had to deal with a Star War or a few. There were others that I couldn’t quite get into like Legend and Labyrinth, but I always felt they were more for the young ladies (for the record, The Princess Bride was being read to Kevin Arnold Fred Savage).

Outside of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (it’s insanely absurd and clever), when I was turning thirteen, Willow wasn’t even cutting it anymore.  If I was going to like a dopey fantasy movie, it had something else going for it, such as my crush on Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands or me still being a fan of Steven Spielberg when he made Hook.

Let’s use The Neverending Story trilogy (yes there were three – and a TV show) to reiterate:

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The first film released in 1984: AWE-SOME (hyphen added for pause worthy emphasis).

The second film released in 1990: (Avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis…)

The third film released in 1994: Really?!  Highlights from an IMDB review:

I cannot begin to describe how awful this movie is… NES3, for lack of a better term, sucks.  The storyline was as unimaginative and vapid as you could hope for… After the fart jokes and potty humor commenced, I just couldn’t take it any longer.  My advice is don’t wast your time and ruin your childhood memories with this piece of refuse.

Now I don’t count superhero movies or animated films because they’ve almost attained the status of having their own genre.  Outside of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, what do you have left to defend?  The Mummy films?  Van Helsing?  (Not fair – those are mostly Stephen Sommers‘ pieces of crap.)  Okay, then.  MirrorMask?  Eragon?  Beowulf?  Lady in the Water?!  Stardust and Coraline were even kind of meh.

(SIDENOTE: I will give props to The Last Mimzy, The Bridge to Terebithia, and Big Fish for tugging my heart strings, 300 for being new, and the first Pirates of the Caribbean for the laughs. Am I missing any others?)

Ultimately, have fantasy films declined from being the shit to just shitty, or am I just getting old?  I guess the proof will be in the pudding (sorry for the oldtimer-y expression) when the following films get remade or updated:

(FINAL SIDENOTE: I really, really, really, seriously hope that M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t fuck up The Last Airbender.  I looooove that cartoon.  That ended it’s run.  On Nickelodeon.  Just last year.  Stop looking at me that way!  I don’t have that serious of a mental/social disorder!  Use this blog as proof!)

Worth 1002 Words… Enterprising Dog Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

startrekdog

Cardboarder Collie

Some alternauts(Get it? It’s like astro– ah, forget it…):

  • Star Fetch
  • Bud Lightspeed
  • Where’s Bones?
  • Captain Jerk
  • Laika Notsomuch

InASense, Lost… A Pole Dancer Doll? I Give Up

Posted on by sgottahurt

Put a fork in me.  I’m done.  No seriously.  I’m totally cooked in inside, or roasted, or toasted, or melty gooey.  Forget the fork; get a pitchfork. 

Even though it’s not available here (although lest we forget, we still have Bratz Dolls… go hourglass figure), this still exists in the world:

pole_dance_doll

Are the coke habit and bastard child being watched by mom sold separately?

Naive me first thought that the doll might be this kind of Poll Dancer: 

polldancer

"I'm taking a survey... It'll cost you $1 per answer."

Even if it’s culturally insensitive (but it’s okay to say because I am one), this would have been an acceptable Pole Dancer toy: 

poledancer

The Polish are good at four things: dancing, drinking, and counting.

I mean, with that doll existing, what’s the worst that could happen? 

babypoledance

Are there enough pitchforks to go-go around?

Happy Find… People Of Walmart

Posted on by sgottahurt

It's a little bit late for the condom.

It's a little bit late for the condom.

I’m a fan of Kurt Vonnegut’s works (I would declare huge fan, but I’ve read less than a handful of his books… oops!), but as I recall in Slaughterhouse-Five, there was a zoo on Tralfamadore that housed Earthlings.

ATTENTION ALL TRALFAMADORIANS!

If you want some fine specimen for your collection, search no further than any local Walmart.  If you require samples, check out the menagerie of folks (and their vehicles) at the website People Of Walmart.

And while you’re at Walmart, bathroom cleaning supplies are in aisle five… in case you wanna build a sex toy or something…

So it goes…

Eye gotta hand it to ya...

A Tralfamadorian

(artwork by Animatedpunk)

Pre-Drunken Recollection… Strange Things Are Afoot At Target

Posted on by sgottahurt

"You had me at logo"

"You had me at logo"

On a mission to get some essentials post-soccer and pre-impromptu bar session, I stopped into the Target I used to work at AKA the Center of My Universe.  Here’s a breakdown of all things odd that occurred in a very short visit:

  • Being adorned in leftover soccer attire, I entered the store and found a young lady that appeared to be wearing full soccer attire.  I witnessed a too tight yellow t-shirt, way too small black biker shorts, and sock covered shin guards black faux leather boots to her knees.  Her mother was with her and didn’t stop her from leaving the house.  This was just the beginning.
  • I ran into my cousins’ aunt and uncle and they warned me about someone they had passed that I was about to run into.  I won’t spoil the upcoming surprise, but I warned them of The Boots.
  • Yes, the man did look like he was wearing underwear as pants.  Gray boxer-briefs, more specifically.
  • Moving forward, I saw one of my friends helping an old lady in one of the aisles, but she didn’t see me.  I proceeded to linger at the end cap, banging things on the shelf intermittently, doing the same in the next aisle.  No response.
  • A mother passed by with her tween son and daughter and shunned the son with the phrase: “Here’s the stinky man aisle.”  She abandoned him, and his sister waited to mock him as he set out to pick out his first deodorant in shame.  I paused from pounding products and considered helping him – I didn’t.  He went for the cheap stuff on sale and ran out into the main aisle as his mother returned.  They rejoined the father that happened to be the MAN IN THE UNDERWEAR.
  • Tired of embarrassing myself by making a small scene to get my friend to stop talking to the needy old lady, I rounded the corner on the opposite end facing her.  I realized the lady was inquiring about lady shaving products.  Specifically bikini area hair removers.  My friend looked captured, but upon seeing me, finally excused herself.

Oh Target, you complete me.