Humor

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Both Of These Vampire Spoofs May Suck

Posted on by sgottahurt

Just for clarification: Coinkydink = yes, it’s a coincidence.  Coinkydonk = no, that sh– is on purpose.

I’m a fan of the old days when spoofs were actually quality works, and a noble genre in it’s own right.  Early Mel Brooks and Zucker Brothersfilms are often sited as classics, but lest we not forget, um, nope, there’s nobody else.  Satire is a dying form, mostly because it requires intelligence blah blah blah highbrow chitter-chatter… onto the jokes, man.  No seriously, I have never seen a joke on this blog since it started last October.

So speaking of October and spoofs, what about comedy-horror films?  For every Young Frankenstein, there’s a Love at First Bite.  For every Transylvania 6-5000, there’s a Dracula: Dead and Loving It.  For every Saturday the 14th, there’s a Saturday the 14th Strikes Back.  And for every Scream, there’s more than enough Scary Movies.

So now we have two more vampire-themed “comedies” heading our way, and it’s Round 189 in “Hollywood’s Run Out Of Ideas So Let’s Make Two Versions Of The Same Movie And Have Them Compete Against Each Other.” 

Examples of previous rounds:

  • Paul Blart: Mall Cop / Observe and Report
  • Armageddon / Deep Impact
  • Volcano / Dante’s Peak
  • Madagascar / The Wild
  • The Truman Show / Ed TV
  • A Bug’s Life / Antz
  • The Prestige / The Illusionist
  • Tombstone / Wyatt Earp

The latest entries to the list are Transylmania and Stan Helsing (srsly).  Here are their trailers:

The Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk-nesscomes down to this simple question: Do studios release similar movies against each other on accident (dink!) or on purpose (donk!)?

In My Brain While Sleeping… Dating Advice From Brody Jenner

Posted on by sgottahurt

Real Caption: “Don’t tase me, Bro… dy!”  I imagine he said, whilst getting tased.

Another Caption: I am to electric bolts what Perez Hilton is to penis drawings.

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

For whatever reason, prior to his reappearance in the news, I had a dream that was hanging out with Brody Jenner (do I credit him as the son of Bruce Jenner, the step-brother of Kim Kardashian, or a cast member of The Hills?), but not in a Bromance sort of way, though. 

As a self-described ladies’ man (I have no proof he claims this, but I have no doubt he claims this), he was acting as my dating guru.  His advice:

Repeat what you do every hour.

Apparently, when you take a girl on a date, just perform a variation of your actions every hour.  It was like a Philip K. Dick theory about time loops sort of thing.  Believe me, the suggestion made sense in the dream, and it still carries a resonance in my noggin that’s difficult to convey.

Maybe it’s like true knowledge, in the sense that it must be learned and not taught.

Or maybe Brody Jenner can visit you in your dreams, in whatever capacity you prefer…

INGREDIENTS: Leftover Parmesan garlic boneless Buffalo Wild Wings.  Yum.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Monkey Magic, Monkey Doozy

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s stunts like these that explain how a chimp can all of a sudden snap and try to bite their master’s (is that the appropriate way to put it?) face off.  Speaking of Face Off, how much cooler would that movie be if it was about monkeys trying to eat Nick Cage and John Travolta’s visages.  It’d be like Outbreak meets Every Which Way But Loose… Or Most Valuable Primate meets Midnight Meat Train.

What was I talking about?

Vodpod videos no longer available. more about “Monkey Goes Apeshit“, posted with vodpod

Awful Battle… Only In Japan, Man, Only In Japan

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t know what else to say. 

Once you’ve seen a baby-faced crotch shoot a missile at a robot, a cartoon of a man drinking fresh breast milk from a human women farm, and a TV show centered around super-powered boobs (I’m not talking about NBC’s Heroes), there can only be three words left to share:

AWFUL BATTLE – GO!

Vodpod videos no longer available.  

more about “Promo trailer for upcoming TV series …“, posted with vodpod

JusWondering… Do I Have A Heart? Surprisingly, Yes

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was at my mom’s house today for some free grub, and she was was watching a rerun of Oprah.  It was a compilation of old segments that wowed and moved her (Oprah, not my ma, as far as I know), and I was regarding it without being wowed and/or moved.  Sure, Criss Angel and David Blaine can be interesting, and Terry Fator and Paul Potts’ stories are inspiring, but otherwise, meh…

Then Faith appeared (this is not the actual show footage, but you’ll get the gist of it):

Instant tears.  Let me say this: there is no amount of free food that makes my sudden outpouring of emotion worth it.  Almost no amount of food (a pepperoni pizza with Cajun crust and double cheese is a good start).

(SIDENOTE: In regard to Opie & Anthony, the third segment of the above video – I didn’t know assholes could walk on two legs.)

On the lighter side of doggy’s overcoming obstacles:

Musical Musings… Monkees Blog Monkees Do

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Hey, Hey..." is for horses...

"Hey, Hey..." is for horses...

This edition of Musical Musings is the beginning of something beautiful.  No, they’re not going to all be about The (phenomenal) Monkees (you/I wish).  Moving forward, I’m hoping and planning that they will be more coherent and thought-provoking than they’ve been, and much less pot-headed sounding (not that I was ever high when I wrote them… it’s simply reminiscent of my babble state, possibly brought on by my love of music and vast amounts of sugar-laced products).

AnyTheWho, here are some factoids (robotic-sounding facts that are in no way robotic) I just learned about The Monkees:

  • Glam rocker David Bowie was born David Robert Hayward-Jones and originally performed under the name Davy Jones.  Due to the rising popularity of the lead singer of this post’s headliner, he took the same last name as the Alamo hero, Jim Bowie, and his knife, which ironically shared the same name.
  • Michael Nesmith’s mother, Bette Nesmith Graham, invented Liquid Paper.  She originally called it Mistake Out; we mistakenly call it, White Out (which by the way looks like a horrible movie).
  • JazzSinger/songwriter Neil Diamond wrote four songs for them: “I’m a Believer,” “A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You,” “Lookout, Here Comes Tomorrow,” and “Love to Love,” and not “Last Train to Clarksville” or “Daydream Believer” as previously thought (by me).
  • None of these factoids have anything to do with The Monkees specifically…

(thank you Helle1981, Veness, and WendyLAnderson!)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Algebra(s) And Calculus(t)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Not to brag, but I was quite the whipper-snapper at math in high school.  In the honors program, A’s were the norm (there was one errant B in the third quarter of trigonometry), and I found out after graduation that my peers had a bet going if the valedictorian or I would score higher on the advanced placement test (more of them picked me than her… I earned a 5 out of 5, and I assume she did, too… but still… me > her).

Boasting does not become me, and since I’ve painted myself Just Sh–ty after claiming I was The Sh–, it’s time for me to deflect, quick!

So, yeah, math.  It used to be pretty cool to “know” and “understand” how to solve problems without calculators, to me at least.  It’s like history in that way – if you don’t learn from it, you’re doomed to repeat it.  Well, maybe not, but my point is this:

Kids today have it easy. 

Too easy?  I wouldn’t go that far.  In reality, does anyone really need to know how to _____ without computers?  In reality, kids today need to know more about the birds and the bees, than tangents and cosines, or in other words, more about f—ing than functions.

Over the past year, there has not been 1, nor 2, nor 3, nor 4, nor 5, but at least 6 (!) math (!) teachers that have been found guilty of becoming involved with their students.  That doesn’t add up.  (Sorry, had to.)

(Keep in mind the St. in front of each prof’s name represents Sex teacher, not Saint.  Did you buy it?)

BONUS!

Worth 1002 Words… Seinfeld Art Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

seinfeld-in-one-image

About Nothing

Some alternates:

(via BuzzFeed)

Click here for the chart of all the items in the image.

InASense, Lost… Dolls That Get Breastfed? Whatever Happened To Dolls That Just Pooped?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I suppose on some level, this was inevitable:

Mattel and Hasbro are chomping at the bit

Mattel and Hasbro are chomping at the tit, I mean, bit

Spain has introduced the world to Bebé Glotón (Gluttonous Baby), the, um, world’s first breastfeeding doll.  Sold in Europe for 44 Euros (about $63 here), it’s priced at almost double that amount on eBay, and that got me wondering… would Americans be willing to pay so much for such a product?  Who better to check in with than some Texans (because everything’s bigger there and we’ve been repeatedly told not to mess with them):

Hrm… that was fairly balanced and forthright.  But I like my stirring pot a bit meatier, so take it away Fox News (and very low-cut bloused, healthily-bosomed lady right there at the 0:04 mark… her genius is further exposed at the 1:54 mark):

YES!  Feel the uproariousness amidst the silliness!  I’ve already been “outraged” by stripper shoes for babies!  What’s next?  Umbilical cord piercings?  Toddler thongs?!  (Can I even type these things?)

If I’m gone tomorrow, know that I couldn’t type those things.  Or I started an umbilical cord piercing business…

(via Feministing)

Happy Find… STFU, Parents

Posted on by sgottahurt

Okay, I hate to have to subject y’all to another Happy Find so fast, but this is truly a sooper-dooper-mega-wega-Happy-Wappy-Find, um, -Mind…

That having been said, allow me to introduce to a collection of the most annoying ‘rents in the world on… drum roll please… you can’t?… okay, never mind…

STFU, Parents!

(For those of you uninitiated, and most likely it’s the parents that end up on the site, STFU = Shut The Fuck Up, thus adding it to my list of fucking Happy Finds.)

Required sample:

A Gold Star Winner per the site, and I agree

A Gold Star Winner per the site, and I agree

 With that, I bid you adieu!