Humor

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Subtle Christian-Approved 80’s Songs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Holy crap!  We’ve been busy at work, so my boss/friend Paul has been unable to make a new list, despite my pestering and bugging.  So in honor of the “Holy Crapness” of this event, allow me to present:

Top 5 Subtle Christian-Approved Songs of the 80’s

5) Maneater – Hall & Oates
Sample Line: “Watch out boy, she’ll chew you up!”
Christian-Approved Message: You couldn’t get anymore anti-oral sex than this song.  Missionary only, please.  (After marriage, of course…)

4) Keep Your Hands to Yourself – The Georgia Satellites
Sample Line: “No huggin’, no kissin’, until you make me your wife.”
Christian-Approved Message: This song should appeal to the abstinence-only crowd (hello, Jonas Brothers), as well as explain the shotgun weddings found often in the South (hello, Miley Cyrus).

3) We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off – Jermaine Stewart
Sample Line: (see title)
Christian-Approved Message: Another abstinence-only song.  Girls are throwing themselves at him, and he is telling them, “No thanks, let’s just dance and drink some cherry wine.”  He’s either very religious, or very gay… or both.  (There might be openings at the monastery.)

2) Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna
Sample Line: “I’m gonna keep my baby… mmm…”
Christian-Approved Message: While the fact that Madonna is singing about getting knocked up out of wedlock might not sit well with the religious right, the fact that she is going to keep my her baby and get married to the boyfriend has to appeal to the pro-life movement.  (And the messages of songs #3 and #4…)

1) You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
Sample Line: “Yeah you… shook me… all… night… long.”
Christian-Approved Message: Unbeknowest to most people, this song is actually about a female demon that is exorcised.  (Or is it exercised?)

Who I always "Maneater" was about...

Whom I always thought "Maneater" was about...

Musical Musings… Kamikaze Karaoke (Buzzkill Songs)

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Bye bye, Miss American Pie..."

"Bye bye, Miss American Pie..."

Ever want to bring a fun night of karaoke to a stand-still?  Here are some suggestions to do exactly that (in no particular order):

Name – Goo Goo Dolls

Rumored to be about singer/songwriter Johnny Rzeznik’s childhood.  Both of his parents died when he was young, and he’s singing the song to his sisters that raised him.
BONUS DOWNER: His father was an alcoholic.  And just remember where you’re at when singing this.

The Freshmen – The Verve Pipe

Singer/songwriter Brian Vander Ark wrote this song that covers these incidents: a cancelled wedding, an abortion, and a suicide.  Only one really happened (see the next song for a hint).
BONUS RUMOR: My brother went to Western Michigan University, where this band also hailed.  Story goes they were kicked out of WMU because one of the band members raped a girl.  Party time.

Brick – Ben Folds Five

Band front man (duh) Ben Folds’ girlfriend has an abortion, and this melodic mood killer (bad choice of words?) tries to express how he felt… and succeeds.
BONUS SALT IN THE WOUND: The procedure takes place the day after Christmas.
BONUS HOT PEPPER SAUCE IN THE WOUND: They were still in high school.

Lightning Crashes – Live

Lead singer Ed Kowalczyk dedicated this song to a friend that was killed by a drunk driver.  The drunk driver was fleeing from police after committing a robbery.  The friend – she was only 19.
BONUS SILVER LINING: She donated her organs and saved the lives of others, including a 10-month-old baby.  That’s what the song is really about.  But still… bummer.

Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton

Anyone that doesn’t know the story behind this song is lucky.  Well consider yourself lucky no more.  It’s about how Eric Clapton felt after his 4-year-old son, Conor, fell out of a window — on the 53rd floor of an NYC apartment building.
BONUS “REALLY?!” He hasn’t performed this song since 2004.  His reason:

I didn’t feel the loss anymore, which is so much a part of performing those songs. I really have to connect with he feelings that were there when I wrote them. They’re kind of gone and I really don’t want them to come back, particularly. My life is different now. They probably just need a rest and maybe I’ll introduce them for a much more detached point of view.

____________________________________________________________________________

This final bit contains the Unholy Trilogy which have actually caused me to leave a bar.  If you have to click any because either A) you don’t know it or B) you actually like it… I hate you.

____________________________________________________________________________

SIDENOTE: If you feel the need to reignite any karaoke night obliterated by any of the above performances, feel free to press the button below to save the night, despite what this list might claim:

Click Image In Emergencies

Click Image Only In Case Of Emergencies

Worth 1002 Words… Worst. Star Wars Pic. Ever. Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

worstswpicever

No Hope

Some alternates / with alternates:

  • Darth Paper / Anakan’t Skywalker
  • See Throwupio / Sado Mechanism
  • Princess Lame-a / Carry Dildo
  • Yo Dumb / Gan Dorf
  • Artoo Arnot / Astromech Dud
  • Trash Jabbag / Tattooinia Raisin

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–! Been “Wondering Years” About Frasier’s Theme Song

Posted on by sgottahurt

Usually, when I’m web surfing, I’m channel surfing.  I needed to state that so you can understand why stumbling across these two discoveries blew. my. mind.

It may not be fair to say these beloved sitcoms were Just Shitty, and through the powers of the TripleDoubleU (and outstanding do-gooders uploading to YouTube), they magically became The Shit.  I’m merely pointing out that the, um, points of contention these two videos address were Just Shitty moments from the original programs.

Who out there really thought the closing theme from Frasier was The Shit?  Maybe Skittle Man, but I’d venture to guess not too many others.  But if you slap it up, flip it, rub it down, you get this:

Likewise, The Wonder Years focused heavily on voice over work, courtesy of Home Alone baddie, Daniel Stern.  Narration is perceived as a big, lazy, no-no in screenwriting, so imagine how ahead of the curb the 80’s classic would have been if Danny Stern had been left out of the equation.  (It’d be tantamount to The Hills, only without the pop music filler…)

InASense, Lost… HotMilk Lingerie

Posted on by sgottahurt

The film American Pie introduced the world to a couple of notable items:

  • Stiffler

    Guess what four-letter word he's thinking of...

    Guess what four-letter word he's thinking of...

  • Shitbreak

    Who hasn't been there on a Sunday morning?

    Who hasn't been there on a Sunday morning?

  • A horrific connection to apple pie (no image necessary)
  • And the concept of MILF’s (courtesy of Stiffler’s Mom)

That film came out eons ago, so I’m left to wonder… why does this commercial trouble me so?  (The ending kind of freaks me out.)

Now I know it’s not as horrible as a dick hole in a pie, and maybe I’m being unenlightened by thinking this, but why do things keep breaking in that video?  Is her stomach knocking up over shit?  Is she crazy?  Isn’t that dangerous to have an expectant mother in heels walking around smashed glass?

So many questions…

Drunken Recollection… What I Can Remember About Camping This Summer

Posted on by sgottahurt

gijoesquirrel

Don't worry. This happened during squirrel season.

With summer finally over, it’s time for me to drunken recollect some of my camping highlights.  Outside of drinking, eating, being in the water, being on the pontoon, drinking, eating, sitting by the campfire, beach volleyball, drinking, eating, and peeing in the water, this is all I can remember:

1) A squirrel fell out of a tree.
It happened in front of a few of my family members as they were walking.  When they reached to check on the immobile rodent, it sprung back to consciousness and took off.

2) Some cyclist had this shirt on, as well as a bushy beard:

A Whopper of a beard, in fact...

A Whopper of a beard, in fact...

3) There was a plan to tie me to a chair if I passed out drunk.
It didn’t happen on the earlier summer trip, but it did happen.  At least the dumping me in the lake didn’t.

4) I pulled a boat via a rope in my teeth.
There is a picture out there I do not possess.  I do remember my jawline aching, though.

5) There was a strange song playing on the iPod we took out to the sandbar.
Turned out it was from the film, Music and Lyrics.  Here it is for your, um, pleasure?

6) In closing…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Is Diablo Cody Trying To Tell Us Something?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Remember the Alamo the Titans that Coinkydink stands for Coincidence, and that Coinkydonk sits for On Purpose. Comprende?

jennifersjuno

"She's soy sauce, and I'm Worcestershire," Juno might say of Jennifer, apropos of nothing.

I feel like writer Diablo Cody is a kindred spirit.  We’re both from the Midwest.  We’re both Children of the 80’s.  We’re both bloggers.  We’re both screenwriters (I’m just not yet produced).  And we’re both exhibitionists (she was a stripper; I enjoy walking around the mall in a long brown trench coat… that’s all I’m saying).

But of late, I noticed something about Ms. Cody’s produced works.  So far she has three: Juno, Jennifer’s Body, and United States of Tara. And they all share something thematic in common.

united_states_of_tara

Tara with her Id, Ego, and Superego

Let it be known, I was fortunate enough to see Juno before it became the Incredible Hype, and I was knocked a bit off my feet by its sentiment and reality, despite the strange language that filled the characters’ mouths at the get-go.  I’m still not sure if the movie laid off the weird speak as the movie progressed, or if I got used to it (and who am I to knock weird speak… Coinkydink or Coinkydonk?), but I never held it against the flick.

Jennifer’s Body, on the other hand, felt like a misstep.  There was a lot of potential for homages, over-the-top zaniness, and ironic parallels to real high school life that never came to fruition, but this film spurned my thought processes.  Then I recalled her Showtime series, and it clicked:

All Diablo Cody’s characters are women dealing with things inside their bodies.

  • Juno – a baby
  • Jennifer – a succubus
  • Tara – multiple personalities

There’s an old adage about writing: “write what you know.”  It’s not surprising (and it’s actually quite refreshing) that Ms. Cody’s scripts would center on female leads, but it is interesting to note the duality involved in each of the above characters, considering the duality of Ms. Cody herself (if that’s her real name).  Until she inevitably directs and becomes a true auteur, we’re left to wonder how her adaptation of Sweet Valley High will end up, or her future original works.

(SIDENOTE: I’m reminded of the oeuvre of screenwriter Larry Cohen, which includes: Phone Booth, Cellular, and Messages Deleted.  And there’s always Eric Roth, and his Curious Case of Benjamin Gump, plus his Forrest Button.)

So what do you think?  Is it a Coinkydink or a Coinkydonk…

Happy Find… Jimmy Fallon’s “7th Floor West”

Posted on by sgottahurt

Tonight is the sixth season premiere of The Hills, and I hate to admit this but the show fascinates me.

It’s not like a car wreck or guilty pleasure kind of thing… The best analogy I can think of is that it’s hypnotic like a campfire.

You watch the flames move around without rhyme, reason, or purpose, sucking in the oxygen, destroying that from which it springs.  When two logs strike each other, sparks fly.  It makes you feel warm and fuzzy because you know you’re safe, and far from burning in the random pointlessness of the hot embers.  You enjoy marshmallows on chocolate in between graham crackers.

That’s exactly what watching The Hills is like.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Hulu – Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: …“, posted with vodpod

And that’s the very essence that Late Night With Jimmy Fallon captures in their spoof series, 7th Floor West.  So grab some mini marshmallows and a box of Teddy Grahams and click the image to link to the campyfire that is Jimmy Fallon’s 7th Floor West (all the episodes):

Jimmy and ZOMG! He's with Whitney Port from "The City"!

Jimmy and ZOMG! He's with Whitney Port from "The City"!

In My Brain While Sleeping… Tweaking Existing Toylines

Posted on by sgottahurt

Those that claim to know me might say that I’m a child at heart.  Those that really know me would call me an overgrown child.  According to my subconscious, I have the mind of a child.  I prefer to say I’m living the 13 year-old me’s dream…

This set of dreams involved a pair of toy collections that I’ve previously mentioned on this post, but were sort of blended together.  It was the Lego Batman video game, and though I haven’t played it in a while, that did not prevent me from dreaming that there was a Batman toy collection that was kind of like a model train town set (Exhibit A) and a bit like Playmobil (Exhibit B).

Tiny figurines representing each of the characters could be purchased, as well as scenery components, and you could assemble a miniature Gotham City similar to Exhibit C.  I guess there’s a toy line called Imaginext that’s kind of like what I envisioned (Exhibit D), but I still imagine(xt) something much darker…

Where the other half of the Lego Batman connection ends up has nothing to do with a Lego town (Exhibit E).  It’s more like the Marvel Legends action figure collection (Exhibit F).  Every Lego set you purchased could be put together (or should I say combined because of course Lego sets are put together) with other Lego sets to make bigger predisposed items.  Again, not like Exhibit E, but like how Galactus is assembled in Exhibit F.

You see, Galactus’ head comes with Professor X, and other pieces of him are packaged along with five other figures in that series.  So if you buy all six figures, you can make Galactus.  That’s how the Lego sets worked…

Never mind.

You’re adults… you don’t understand.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Humanimals Creep Me The F— Out

Posted on by sgottahurt

With Halloween upon us (and the one year anniversary of this blog’s creation – woohoo!), I’ve recently made a purchase in preparation for the slew of parties coming up.

Usually, there’s not a slew (and only one that may or may not be hosted by me), and usually, I have the energy to make my own costume out of cardboard.  Not so this year!

Without giving anything away, like mentioning I picked up a gorilla costume at Target, for example, I fear I might have dunked my toe into the pool of weirdness that is these folks: Humanimals.

Your glory is that I couldn’t pick just one…

(click for more after the jump)

Read More