A Handful Of

A Handful Of… Songs That Reference Video Game Systems

Posted on by sgottahurt

As I set out to make this short list of songs that reference video game systems (in other words, A Handful Of), I realized that rap music is not one of my strong suits.  So I would have included Notorious BIG’s Juicy if I was familiar with the song.  But I’m not; so I won’t… even though it included references to Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis.  I don’t have any songs that reference those systems, but I have my standards.  So onto the list:

  • Cee Lo Green’s Fuck You (XBOX, Atari)
  • Another Bad Creation’s Iesha (Nintendo)
  • B.O.B. and Bruno Mars’  Nothing on You (Nintendo 64)
  • American Hi-Fi’s Flavor of the Weak (Nintendo)
  • Eminem and Rihanna’s Love the Way You Lie (ugh, Nintendo again)
  • Notorious B.I.G.’s Juicy (Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis)

I had to include it.  Standards, schmandards.

A Handful Of… Appealing Newscasters

Posted on by sgottahurt

It takes a lot to be a newscaster.  Unless you’re appealing.  Then it’s easy.

Of course I’m being sarcastic.  (Or am I being sarcastic by saying I’m being sarcastic?)

Regardless, here are A Handful Of newscasters that fared well in the looks department.  Call ’em appealing, call ’em attractive, call ’em hot… just don’t call ’em entitled.

First captured my attention: TV on main floor of workplace

I have to admit – I still haven’t heard Ms. Burnett in action, but she’s on the LCD monitor in our lobby everyday.  One day, I’ll hear her voice.  I hope she doesn’t sound like Miley Cyrus… (Burn!)

First captured my attention: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

She’s probably as stuck up as they come, but I can’t help my schoolboy crush on Ms. Kelly.  I’m pretty sure Jon Stewart feels the same…

First captured my attention: ???

I know she’s been in the biz for a while, but one day I just realized Ms. Curry is attractive.  Either she has always been and I’ve been too busy to notice… or I had a dirty dream about her that I don’t remember.

First captured my attention: saving the world on Onion News Network

You might not know her name, or her face, or her fake news show, but Ms. Alvarez (in reality, Suzanne Sena) is a presence unmatched by most real or fake newscasters.  She’s like the eye of a storm… that she caused.

First captured my attention: ABC's The Mole

I am only human.

A Handful Of… Trapped People Flicks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Buried - not to be confused with Barried, Barried, or Berried

I pretty much ignored Ryan Reynolds’ Buried when it came out in the theaters, and I pretty much ignored its arrival on DVD.  What I have been unable to ignore is the constant bombardment of James Franco’s 127 Hours, which is now in wide-release courtesy of its Academy Award nominations.

This further reminded me of two things.

  1. How the screenwriter of Buried, Chris Sparling, basically begged to be nominated for an Oscar.
  2. How 127 Hours is basically the same thing, and it is nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay.

But wait… isn’t one about a guy in a coffin and the other one about a guy cutting his arm off?

Yes, but they are both essentially “unfilmable” stories about a man trapped.  And they aren’t the only ones.  Here are A Handful Of Trapped People Flicks.

I can see it now... "Buried 4 127 Hours"

  • Rope (1948) – people trapped in real-time murder plot
  • Die Hard (1988) – man trapped in terrorist-filled building
  • Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) – man trapped in terrorist-filled airport
  • Under Siege (1992) – man trapped on terrorist-filled battleship
  • Toy Soldiers (1991) – student trapped in terrorist-filled school
  • Passenger 57 (1992) – man trapped on terrorist-filled airplane
  • Speed (1994) – people trapped on speeding bus
  • Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) – man trapped on speeding terrorist-filled train
  • Executive Decision (1996) – man trapped on terrorist-filled airplane
  • Daylight (1996) – people trapped in underground tunnel
  • Air Force One (1997) – man trapped on president’s terrorist-filled airplane
  • Con Air (1997) – man trapped on criminal-filled airplane
  • Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) – people trapped on speeding terrorist-filled cruise ship
  • Cast Away (2000) – man trapped on island
  • Phone Booth (2002) – man trapped in phone booth (written by Larry Cohen)
  • Open Water (2004) – people trapped in shark-infested waters
  • Cellular (2004) – man trapped in terrible plot involving keeping a cell phone powered (written by Larry Cohen)
  • Penny Dreadful (2006) – woman trapped in a car
  • Captivity (2007) – woman trapped in underground lair (also written by Larry Cohen)
  • Frozen (2010) – people trapped on a ski lift
  • Buried (2010) – man trapped in coffin
  • 127 Hours (2010) – man trapped underground by a rock
  • Unstoppable (2010) – men trapped on a missile the size of the Chrysler Building

A Handful Of… Conan And Andy Theme Songs

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s starting to feel like Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter are really starting to find their rhythm again, so in honor of that, here are A Handful Of theme songs from their shows.  I have nothing else to say.  Except for this:

I can’t believe Quintuplets was ever made.

  • Late Night with Conan O’Brien
  • Andy Richter Controls the Universe (theme at 0:35 minute mark)
  • Quintuplets (theme at 1:52 minute mark)
  • Andy Barker P.I.
  • The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
  • Conan

A Handful Of… Part 3’s That Surpassed Parts 1 & 2

Posted on by sgottahurt

Jesus Christ...

Trilogies (let alone film series) are a tricky thing.  How do you continue to succeed three films in?

The most common option is to add more of the same but different.  Cases in point:

  • Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (added villainous Jack Frost)
  • Once Upon a Time in Mexico (added blinded gunslinger played by Johnny Depp)
  • Oh, God! You Devil (added another George Burns)
  • Blade: Trinity (added Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel, for some reason)
  • Look Who’s Talking Now (SPOILER ALERT! It’s dogs!)
  • Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (This. Is. Real. Folks.)

By doing so, filmmakers walk a fine line between celebrating the previous entries and making mockeries of them (not that any of the above were masterpieces, but still).

Some III’s have gotten close by following the above examples, and at times in my youth, I might have argued that they were better than the original film, but I’ve gotten budwiser.

  • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (added “dad” like how Big Momma 3 added “son” *chills*)
  • Return of the Jedi (added Ewoks like how Blade 3 added Biel’s hot booty)
  • Back to the Future 3: From the Old West to the New! (I know that’s not its real name, but it changed the game like Once Upon a Time in Mexico did)

The other route Part Trois’ follow simply lead to clusterfucksville by trying to go big AND go home.  Don’t see the banging whimpers:

  • Matrix Revolutions
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
  • Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Only a few 3’s have got it right.  They’ve walked the line of concluding with a bang (sometimes continuing with a bang), adding new, but celebrating the before.  In no particular order:

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Lord of the Rings Return of the King

Also known as: "Aragon's Song"

Some could argue that this had a rich story to pull from, or that it’s really just the ending of one long movie (this is what I argued), but isn’t that what a trilogy is supposed to be?  Writer/director/cameo Actor! Peter Jackson kept reveals hidden from each film to the next, and it kept each installment an exciting time investment.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Not pictured: The Okay

I haven’t seen this film (not without trying), but it’s considered the best of director Sergio Leone’s The Dollars Trilogy or The Man With No Name Trilogy.  The trilogy’s name is almost a trilogy!

Three Colors: Red

Slogan: "It'll tickle you pink!"

This I did see.  Fancy that… a French film over a Western.  I guess that’s why I said fancy that.  Writer/director Krzysztof Kieslowski brings it all home in the third film of the Three Colors trilogy (Blue and White) precede it.  Although at first, none of the stories seem connected, this one does all the heavy lifting in the end.  Très vachement forte!

Goldfinger

"Five Goldfingers! Four Dr. No's, three Moneypenny's..."

This third official James Bond film set not only records, but precedents for the rest of Sean Connery’s appearances as Agent 007.  A classic amongst classics!

Toy Story 3

I finally get it! It's like "Toy Store-E"... ha!

If Mickey Mouse created Walt Disney, then the original Toy Story made Pixar.  As the studio’s first major theatrical release, Toy Story lit G.I. Joe action figures on fire and raised the Barbie Dream House for what animated films could not only look like, but make you feel.  Disney even had to chase and catch up.  Although the first film is still a fun, endearing piece of entertainment, Toy Story 3 is a beautiful swan song that exemplifies fifteen years of cinematic accomplishments.  Quentin Tarantino even thinks so.

Piranha 3D

Jaws 3D was already taken.

Having seen all three Piranha movies, this one accomplished what it exactly set out to do: be a dumb, fun, titillating (pun intended) 3D summer movie.  Sure, the original Piranha had some weird small creature walking around that was never explained, and James Cameron’s infatuation with water showed its gums in Piranha Part 2: The Spawning, but this had… well, I’m not going to spoil anything for you.

(SIDENOTE: Jackass 3D was thisclose to making it, but I never saw the first two and decided it wouldn’t be fair.  For some reason.)

Disagree with anything?  Agree with everything?  Comment below!

A Handful Of… Commercials That Make Me Want To Punch Santa

Posted on by sgottahurt

Christmas time is here, and so are mother fucking annoying commercials.

To begrudgingly begin, this ad from Verizon is way more annoying in its condensed radio form, but you can get the gist of it from this tube promo.  Whoever thought of taking Madness’ Our House and turning it into a hybrid holiday ditty featuring British-sounding hooligans should be run over by Santa’s sleigh.  That rusty ol’ magical blade right over their carotid artery would make my mistletoes tingle:

This one isn’t as holiday apparent, but it’s still hawking phones.  Who gives telecommunication devices as gifts?  Who puts some song that sounds like it’s sung by Lisa Simpson in their ad?

This one is off the radio, and it boils my blood like I’d been in a microwave.  It makes absolutely no sense, because not one bit of it ties together.  I’m sorry that I can’t get any angrier.  I feel dead inside:

I also wanted to mention that although I don’t mind Doug Benson most of the time, commercials for his new show, The Benson Interruption, drive me up the wall.  There are no videos online for me to share, so I made this instead:

A Handful Of… Videos You Must See If You Haven’t, Plus One Comic

Posted on by sgottahurt

Today’s specials include:

  • A CROONING MUSTACHED BABY
  • MORE KAZAAM REFERENCES THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT
  • ANIMALS EVOLVING

(Here’s the original if that one gets taken down.)

  • And finally, THE TRUTH, according to Pizza Stew:

A Handful Of… Characters That Fear Water

Posted on by sgottahurt

Water… is life.

Water… is cleansing.

Water… is wet.  What else can I say?

For these characters in TV and film, water is only wet.  Lame opening?  Waterever.

Here are A Handful Of characters that fear H2O.

  • A Mogwai named Gizmo

This poor little guy can’t even drink beer without spawning bastard siblings.

Yes, I've used that joke before.

  • The Wicked Witch of the West

I wonder if Glenda the Good Witch could get wet.  Maybe that came out wrong.  That was still a bad choice of words…

"I really like Arby Meltings, I'm Meltings..."

  • Pigpen

Water would only turn this Peanuts character into Muddy.

The Muddy pun would have went better if his name was Dusty.

  • Aliens

When you’re an alien that has acid blood, you avoid getting open wounds around water.

"I'd rather have ice in my veins..."

When you’re an alien that’s skin is so sensitive to water that it’s like acid, you avoid planets and creatures composed mostly of water.  Or so you’d think…

"If I had ice in my veins, I'd die... Waah..."

  • Jason Voorhees

Maybe he didn’t fear water so much before… you know…

"Hey mom, look at me! I'm splashing!"

  • Tim Burton’s version of evolved Apes

Take it guy from this blog post:

Apes, for some reason, are deathly afraid of water, because in all their evolving they have never learned to swim. In fact, they are so afraid of water that when Mark Wahlberg is running away from them, across a river, he is literally only a few steps into the water when the apes stop pursuing them. The idea seems to be that they are afraid of drowning, but apparently they are afraid of getting wet at all. Ummm… okay.

"Orangutan I didn't say banana? Get it?"

  • Ringwraiths

I guess there’s a bunch of debating about the portrayal of these characters in the Lord of the Ring films, but by my summation, they’re afraid of water.  It’s an elemental thing.

"It's also a horse-shaped tidal wave drowning us thing..."

  • 6th Graders

This video will prove it once and for all:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

A Handful Of… Food Items I Should Have Thrown Out Long Ago

Posted on by sgottahurt

One of the benefits of having my house broken into for the second time in two months (yes – this happened, and yes – there is a benefit) is cleaning up old shit.  In this case, it’s food that I should have gotten around to throwing out a while ago.

Sorry that the pictures below are not that clear.  This is because my phone is two years old, and in the world of technology, it’s out-dated… just like this food.

It’s a shame about the Sean’s Irish Cream Liqueur… I’ll never know how tasty the 17% alcohol concoction could have been.  That is, unless my sibs buy it as a Christmas present for me again.  (Me and the booze have the same name!)

The Rice Krispies box made me laugh because of its screaming promotion for Monster’s, Inc.  Jigglypuff elicited the same response (that’s the Pokémon on the Kraft’s Mac & Cheese).

And I have to be honest about one thing… provided I have a weekend with no plans, I will probably still try to eat the Campbell’s Soup and the Laffy Taffy.

Maybe I can sell The Simpsons can on eBay…

 

A Handful Of… Decent Songs Performed In Non-Musicals

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m sorry, but I am not going to apologize for having any of these songs on the list.  Wait.  Does that work?

Anyhoosiersshouldneverbemadeintoamusical, here are A Handful Of songs I enjoyed that were sung by characters in movies that were not musicals.  Agree or disagree in the comments (Jeremy!)…

  • Sex Bob-Omb’s Garbage Truck from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

This song was actually written by Beck (I’m not sure if the actors performed it), so there’s that.  And the movie is kick-ass (not to be confused with Kick-Ass), so double win.

  • Eddie and the Cruisers’ On the Dark Side from Eddie and the Cruisers

This movie originally came out in 1984, and I guarantee more people know John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band’s song than the flick itself.  Actor! Michael Paré would go on to make tons more B-movies.  He would also co-star in TV’s The Greatest American Hero, believe it or not.

  • The Soggy Bottom Boys’ Man of Constant Sorrow from O’ Brother, Where Art Thou?

Okay… this wasn’t a song originally made for the Coen Brothers’ film, but I still have to include the remake of Dick Burnett’s classic.

  • Josie and the Pussycat’s 3 Small Words from Josie and the Pussycats

Letters to Cleo front woman, Kay Hanley, performed all the eponymous rock group’s songs, and you have to admit the song’s as catchy as chlamydia herpes syphilis a smile.  Also, take notice of the clever countdown in the chorus (6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1)…

  • The Wonders’ That Thing You Do! from That Thing You Do!

The group might have almost been called The Oneders, but real-life rock group, Fountains of Wayne, did a great job at capturing the pop hit feeling of that era.  They proved their pop hit chops again a few years later with their own overplayed catchy hit – Stacy’s Mom.

  • Electric Dream Machine’s Dayman from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Pure pop perfection.