When I was a kid (and maybe still now), I prided myself on knowing the words to many, many toy commercials.
Somehow, this one escaped me.
No matter what, Charger-Tron, you will not escape me again!
(SIDENOTE: This is YouTube gold. Thank you to zorro3121 for sharing this with the world.)
Love is to woe is me as films about love is to waaah is me.
Take the film adaptation of The Perks of Being a Wallflower as an example… an example already set previously by 1994’s Reality Bites:
Pictured in each poster: two dudes (one square, one “like, whatever”), short-haired pixie chick, wall.
If the posters are any indication, these are supposed to be the films that define the generations they’re made in. But that shouldn’t be the case for TPOBAW (nerd acronym alert!).
The book written in 1999 by Stephen Chbosky actually takes place around the early 90’s in which sex, drugs, homosexuality, and aimlessness were common themes (a.k.a. buzzkills) also featured in RB (n.a.a. again!). Does the same pre-social media angst of the 90’s translate to now? If the posters can do it, so can the celluloid.
(SIDENOTE: I read and bought TPOBAW multiple times. It was one of my favorites. A Holden Caulfield for Gen-X’ers. I’d hate it now.)
If you can imagine, there was a time before the TripleDoubleU and YouTube, when I didn’t have… wait for it… cable television.
In this time frame, there were a slew of lady rockers across the airwaves, the likes of Courtney Love and Alanis Morissette. Those ladies I knew via my subscription to Entertainment Weekly. But some other ladies – I had no idea what they looked like… UNTIL NOW.
A Tale of Two Marketing Campaigns
This song hit the stations the year the music industry changed. Whitney Houston had the number one song of the year with I Will Always Love You; number two was Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit. Hence you get two approaches to selling Sophie B. Hawkins – the Rancid crowd vs. the Rod Stewart crowd. There were even two different videos (take one and take two… I prefer take one). She’s not what I’d expect based on the song lyrics, but I wouldn’t have minded fulfilling her wish.
Mazzy Star is not Hope Sandoval
I learned two things while looking this up. Apparently, Mazzy Star’s style of music is called dream pop. I didn’t know this was a genre, but it makes sense. The second thing I learned was Mazzy Star is not she… it’s they:
Mazzy Star is Hope Sandoval AND David Roback
(SIDENOTE: What is it about this song that reminds me of the TV show Friends?)
This girl does not like pants.
This one I’m slightly cheating on because I found out what she looked like when Why Can’t I? came out in 2003. All I do know is if I had seen her in ’94, I probably would have developed a crush and bought her CD and went to her concert. But I didn’t. Money and time saved. But now that I’ve seen she doesn’t really like shirts either on the TripleDoubleXU in 2012, I feel it’s all come full circle somehow.
Donna Lewis sounds like a fashion designer.
Okay, so she’s really not even close to what would be considered a 90’s rocker, but this song was everywhere. I never knew what she looked like, and now I do. That’s all I have to say about that.
I forgot all about this song until my good ol’ Sirius XM planted another earworm in my head.
It’s a song by Double about a woman that’s lost her love, and she still awaits his return. What did she call him, or at least think of him as? Wait for it… The Captain of Her Heart.
Only in the 80’s would a woman (even in a song written by two guys) consider her man the captain of anything. Boats were weirdly popular, as were songs about sailing. It was kind of a yuppie thing that even extended into fashion.
If this song was made in any other decade, I wonder what the hook would have been?
In the 70’s, it would have been The Yang of Her Yin.
In the 60’s, it would have been The Bread Winner of Her Children.
In the 50’s, it would have been Together Forever For Better or Worse.
In the 90’s, it would have been The Cock that Dicked Her Over.
In the Aughties, it would have been Rock That Booty on a Boat, featuring T-Pain.
In the 10’s, it would be The Captain of Her C—.
Is this just a pog for the digital age? Really, I’m seriously asking…
I watch more cartoons than I should. In fact, depending on the time of the year, my DVR may be 33% full of animated hijinks.
But this show… this show makes me feel like a parent (which I’m not). Of all the swill shilling shit programming out there, this one… this one… you just need to see:
If the opening of BeyWheelz: Powered by BeyBlade is too unbearable to sit through, allow me to present a sample battle scene from this show:
Yes. You saw exactly what you saw. Two wheels riding into each other. Not animals popping out of balls or cards. Wheels. Or pardon me, Wheelz.
These Wheelz. Or pardon me, BeyWheelz.
I wonder if each set is based on a different episode.
Hasbro has gotten sloppy, power-hungry, or durrr since the success of the brain-dead-on-arrival Transformer films. Even the cinematic floater called Battleship made them money in the worldwide market. Perhaps their just setting their sights on dumb-proofing children so that one day a live-action BeyWheelz will be another future summer blockbuster.
Wait a second… BeyWheelz… Michael Bay… it might already be too late…
It appears to me that the word legend gets thrown around an unfair amount. So I’m gonna throw it around some more but with some context…
THE SHIT
This is the show’s equivalent to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”
In Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV cartoon – not the movie), we are introduced to an amazing world where gifted individuals can bend (mentally manipulate) the four elements. But Aang’s more of a legend than Korra at this series’ start. This show that acts as a sequel not only brought us back to this world, but also a grown up one. We’re only one season in, and although the finale was a bit too tidy, I can’t wait for more. This desire to go back is the only thing that trumps what I deeply considered deeming The Shit, and instead opted to rank as…
NUMBER TWO
Look how fast they grow up. And different.
The only legend you need to know about Zelda is that she’s an easy kidnap. The original game was incredible; I could never beat Zelda II: The Adventures of Link. A Link to the Past was my next victory… and my last. I’ve purchased virtually all the games in this series, but even though I play them like crazy when I first get them, I’ve yet to finish another. I don’t even look forward to them half as much anymore. I did get close to finishing Twilight Princess… but I just stopped.
BIRD TURD
“Who wants their ass kicked? That’s right… I said who!?”
Owls. In. Armor. ‘Nuff said.
UNDEAD CRAP
“Here’s a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.”
This Will Smith cash grab probably would have got a higher ranking from me if the they would have done one of two things:
WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
It looks passable… and I don’t mean in the bowels sense.
This TV show is only so low because I know little about it. I know I’ve heard good things about it, but I also know it was cancelled before its time, so to invest any time in catching up on it would be a waste of, um, time. What they were seeking, I may never know, but if it ever gets picked up again, who knows? Maybe I’ll seek out the DVD’s.
DINGLEBERRY CENTRAL
“No, this is not about Xenu.”
I haven’t seen this film in forever, and as much as seeing young Mia Sara could tempt me, seeing young Tom Cruise or the weird shirtless (even if it’s a prosthetic) Tim Curry does not.
80’S POOP
I hate to admit this, but the kid is my son.
The plot of this film sounds atrocious, and you can read it by clicking here. Or you can just read the summary of Billie Jean’s legend:
…[she’s] a symbol of youth empowerment and the evidence of the injustices adults are capable of…
Boo hoo.
JUST SHITTY
Matt Damon: “Are the cameras still on us?” Will Smith: “What cameras?”
Sorry that you made it on here twice, Will Smith. Nothing against you, but this golf flick (first mistake!) is not good. In fact, the only good thing it has going for it is that it probably ushered in the end of the magical negro trope. Well, maybe this quote by Matt Damon’s character, too:
You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.
This by far has to be one of my strangest dreams… and that’s saying a lot.
It involved the old entertainment powerhouse Blockbuster:
Why don’t keyboards have cent signs anymore?
You see, they sent out emails and letters asking any and all of their former customers one specific statement:
If you have a credit card that you are not currently using, please allow us to max out its cash advance. We will cover all the monthly payments and the interest. We are only doing this to have liquid assets. For participating, you will have unlimited free rentals until we’ve paid our debt on your card.
In a bizarre way, it seems logical. But could anyone really trust Blockbuster after their whole No Late Fees debacle? Wow, what a difference 27 years make…
This is a weird situation for me. I consider myself fairly savvy about 80’s pop culture. I can pull nuggets of recollections (drunken or otherwise) that would put search engines to shame.
For instance, after all these years, how can I still remember the theme song to a show that ran 28 years ago for thirteen episodes:
Equally as strange as knowing the lyrics to Pole Position is knowing (most) of the words to Punky Brewster’s cartoon theme:
But this is where I dropped the ball. I saw some write-up about 80’s cartoons, and the show Turbo Teen was mentioned. I DON’T REMEMBER TURBO TEEN. That is until I saw this:
*hangs head in shame*
SIDENOTE: If you type Turbo Teen in Google, you get no results.
Because it sounds dirty.
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