Forget My Birthday – I Want A Princess Memorial Day Barbecue!

This needs to happen stat!  (Why does ‘stat’ mean ‘now?’  Does it even mean ‘now?’)  So let’s get to work and watch this video!

Somebody get sand in Ziplock bags.
Somebody wrap said sand-filled Ziplock bags in purple tissue paper.
Somebody sprinkle fairy dust on the Pretty Pink Pathway.
Where are the pink and purple and white helium balloons?  I specifically asked for pink and purple and white helium balloons!
Why does that creepy announcer dude keep laughing to himself?
I don’t care if your hands are sore from cutting out stars!  We need more stars!
What the fuck is that?  It doesn’t even look like a star!  It looks like a fucking claw!  Gah, you’re worthless!
Stop crying!  You’re giving me a headache!
Seriously, if you don’t shut up – where’s all the breakable stuff, ‘cuz I wanna break something on your head!
Peeper get back here and give me back my GD real tiara!
Is it just me, or Gwendolyn way too into letting Peeper lick icing off her finger?
Who had fairy princess music on their iPod?  Don’t tell me I put on my dancing shoes for naught!
I’ll make a fairly good wager that if ‘king dad’ got hit in the nuts holding that sliding princess piñata, he wouldn’t feel it (‘cuz he’s nutless, you see).
Hurry up baking!  I wanna eat the fuck out of that princess cake.
You want your goody bag of treasures, right?  Candy lipstick and bubbles don’t grow on trees!

(via Everything is Terrible)

Drunken Recollection… There Just Aren’t Enough Figure Skating Movies

Yesterday was a bittersweet sports night in Detroit.  On one hand, the Tigers won their seventh straight game (barely… thanks, Zumaya).  On the other, the Red Wings lost in overtime to the Chicago Blackhawks. 

Somehow, through the course of starting the night at Comerica Park and stopping at the bar to watch the second half of the playoff game, the conversation veered to figure skating movies.  Well, it started with the mere mention of figure skating; I steered it toward chatting about film.

The topic: What’s the best movie about figure skating?

The answer: The Cutting Edge (natch).

When I finish this post, I just might watch it again. That is, if I owned the DVD. Who am I kidding? I own it...
When I finish this post, I just might watch it again. That is, if I owned the DVD. Who am I kidding? I own it…

I mean, it could be argued that since Ice Castles was the first, it’s the best by some (I’ve never seen it, but after watching this video featuring its theme song, I feel like I have to).

Some tidbit facts about Ice Castles:

  • There’s a remake coming out next year to coincide with the 2010 Winter Olympics.
  • Star Lynn-Holly Johnson went on to be a Bond Girl to Roger Moore in For Your Eyes Only.
  • Co-star Robby Benson almost won the role of Luke Skywalker in some movie I don’t recall, but he did voice The Beast in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.  He also directed episodes of Friends, apropos of nothing.
  • It’s also a song by Ween.

Arguments for The Cutting Edge:

  • It was awesome.
  • It was funny.
  • It was heartwarming.
  • It spawned a trilogy.
There really need to be five movies to tell the full story.

There really need to be five movies to tell the full story.

According to Wikipedia, there have been only 7 films about figure skating, while

  • skiing gets 9
  • surfing gets 11
  • wrestling and ice hockey get 14
  • (and oh yeah – cheerleading, skateboarding, and rodeo also get 7)

Forget the major leagues and any kind of racing, and you realize Hollywood hasn’t explored other sports all that much.  Especially when you consider that the 14 ice hockey movies include the Mighty Ducks trilogy, a second Slap Shot film, MVP: Most Valuable Primate, and The Guru – heaven help all ice-skating related works.

Happy Find… 5 Second Films

There’s an old math equation that discusses the value of time:

women-are-evil

Okay, it discusses more than (‘>’ in mathese) the value of time, but whatever.  My point is that time equals money, and since there’s not enough time in the world for a good laugh, 5 Second Films is on the job and ready to help. 

Here are a few quick laughs:

(FYI: Tio = Uncle… I guessed this and I’m correcto <–guessed that too!)

(Thanks AOTS)

JusWondering… Wait-And-See Sequels Worth The Wait To See?

A bit ago, IMDb ran this poll:

imdbpoll

Grant it the survey was held with tongue planted firmly at the back of the throat (I know they say ‘cheek’ normally, but it is ‘growing’ out of your throat like a plant… this was funnier and not as gross in my head).

Anyjohnhughes, as much as I would love to see Ferris Bueller’s Laid Off, it ain’t gonna happen.  As of now, not any one of those films have a chance – nay, a whisper – of development talk.

These on the other hand, these sequels have been chatted up dearly:

Why not?  We’ve already seen these guys ride a cheetah in the wrong direction, and spoke down with W.  And everybody knows National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation was the best of Chevy Chase’s screen family’s exploits.  Too bad they never made that Swiss Family Griswold that Chevy promised.  Oops… they kinda did.

  • Ghostbusters 3 (maybe to start filming this Christmas) – I am afraid of part 2:

This movie is the childhood dream behind a fourth Indiana Jones movie.  Keep fucking Lucas and Spielberg away (should be easy since they had nothing to do with the first two), and let Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky’s script have room to glow.  The duo writes for The Office; The Office can be is funny.  Thank Gozer that Atari (wait… really, Atari?) got the Ecto-1 rolling on making a new video game based on the franchise.  That probably helped accelerate enthusiasm, and something something clever about waking ghosts.

Is Oliver Stone relevant?  The antithesis to the ‘Greed is good’ mantra from the first film certainly is alive and unwell.  And Michael Douglas isn’t doing anything except Catherine Zeta-Jones.  Greed certainly is good for the studios, but this long-not-so-awaited sequel is a little more The Two Jakes, than The Color of Money (neither is much of a compliment).  Wait… Shia LaBeouf is in it?  Are you sure he’s not too busy?

I remember wanting to skip a summer baseball game to see the original.  Would I want to skip a soccer game as an adult to see the sequel?  No.  But I would go see a midnight sneak preview afterwards.  Director Robert Zemeckis – reigning king of creepy CGI work in The Polar Express, Beowulf, and the upcoming A Christmas Carol (third holiday shout out on this post) – wants to include… creepy CGI.  Could be an interesting mash-up of styles, and could make for a neat-o picture.

Some rumored projects that will most likely never see the light of the darkened theater.  Never say never…

InASense, Lost… Tricky Beavers, Horny Money, and Fuzzy Nudes (Need I Say More?)

This happened on a news broadcast here in Detroit.  I don’t know how someone pulled the wool over the network brass’ eyes (or whatever the furry dam-building creature’s pelt is called), or if someone genuinely possesses that name (doubt it would be filmed if that were true), but I won’t spoil the joke:

I’m glad no one at Channel 4 was so uptight to exclude the shout-out, on the off-chance it is real.  That usual uppity highbrow mentality keeps cool commercials like this one out of the good ol’ U.S. of T&A:

But on theother hand, our Puritanical ways keep weird shit like this from happening on TV, too:

BONUS UNCOMFORTABLE WEIRDNESS: Click here.

(thanks again to Chris and Dave)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Baby Pac-Man All Grown Up!

Remember this iconic offspring? 

baby_pac_man

Born in 1982, Baby Pac-Man was the third game in a series that didn’t have much life left in it.  Not because of the slow advancements in processing technology or because the games themselves were repetitive (well maybe that’s exactly why video games died back in the day), but just as quickly as arcades burst on the scene, the movement was deemed a fad in 1983 and they went away.  (There were other reasons, too.  Check ’em out here.)

SIDENOTE: That’s why Nintendo dubbed their new console an Entertainment System in 1985.  “Video games” left a sour taste in many people’s mouths.

But that’s neither here nor there.  This is about a dream I had, and it’s about as odd as they get.  According to the Wikipedia entry, Baby Pac-Man was a he.  And he was born to Pac-Man and Mrs. Pac-Man.  But there is no Mrs. Pac-Man, only a Ms.  So for all intents and purposes (or is it intensive purposes?), in my subconscious state, the baby’s a she.  Pink bonnet anyone?

Well, basically, the dream happened to become the foundation for a feminist diatribe.  Baby Pac-Man had grown into a lovely Pac-Woman, but she could not get any respect in the workplace.  People kept calling her Ms. and Miss and that didn’t bother her as much as the fact they wouldn’t call her Pac-Woman rather than Pac-Man.  People also thought she got the job because of who her father was and not on her own merits.  Also, people kept offering her fruits and pretzels.

I don’t remember much else, but I’m sure it all ended swell.  But I do wish there was something about mazes or ghosts, though… 

"Why do I keep getting spam for power pellets?"

"Why do I keep getting spam for power pellets?"

 INGREDIENTS: Two different kinds of Powerade, a late night viewing of Saturday Night Live, and Little Debbie chocolate chip muffins.