Drunken Recollection… The Difference Between Wants And Needs

I learned a couple new things about myself the other night, courtesy of pouring fermented hops down my throat, of course.  Discoveries are rare as they are, so here are my findings.

There Are Things That I Want

Such as t-shirts that broadcast products that I like…


Hey ladies, guess what I drink?


Hey ladies, guess what I've watched?

And There Are Things That I Need

Such as definitely bullhorns on my Honda Civic…


(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Michael Jackson Cartoon Clips

Tact is not in my boss Paul’s vocabulary.  It wasn’t even when while we are friends.  In memory of Michael Jackson, here’s some of his favorite depictions… from two shows.

Top 5 Michael Jackson Cartoon Clips

5. South Park
Blanket can fly, “That’s ignorant,” and who has whose nose?

4. Family Guy
The dancer, the legend, and his crotch.

3. Family Guy
Captain EO is “coming right at me!”

2. South Park
“I’d like to show you my wishing tree!”

1. South Park
“You’re so awesome, Mr. Jefferson!  I’ve got time, do you?”

Hibbidy-Wah?! Black People And White People Buy Furniture?!

I recently found this video of a weird local commercial for, what else, a furniture store:

Consider my mind blown!  This couldn’t be real, could it?  I mean, was it serious?  Did it have lofty goals of promoting racial harmony and couches?  Courtesy of my new skill set (BOOM! Research!), I uncovered this…

Ugh.  I feel defeated.  I wanted that commercial to be legit.  I feel duped like most people did with The Blair Witch Project

(SIDENOTE 1: When I was in high school, parents had to write something great about their kids for the yearbook.  My mom didn’t know what to write, so I wrote my own.  Some girls in my class had told me they thought what my family wrote was really sweet.  For some stupid reason, I told them that I wrote it.  The look on their faces must have been like mine when I watched that second video.)

(SIDENOTE 2: When I saw The Blair Witch Project, I took a friend that did not know it was fake.  He was relatively unaffected by the flick, but the dude in front of me was freaking out when they found that eye, or tongue, whatever it was, wrapped in gauze.  Totally worth it for that.)

So back to the current disappointment.  At least this is real, right?

InASense, Lost… Commercials For Quote-Unquote Religions

I remember being a lad of about 29 years old, and I finally gathered the nerve to ask my mom, “Where do babies come from?”

I often think back to my childhood, and remember Saturday mornings as a kid.  Rolling out of bed from underneath my taped together Garbage Pail Kid posters.  Grabbing a box of Cocoa Krispies and the biggest bowl I could handle.  Turning on the TV without a remote control because we had none.  Zoning out to crappy yet awesome cartoons and the commercials that sold me on Transformers and Star Wars and Centurions and M.A.S.K. with little to no effort.  Then there would come along one of these ads:

Granted, it’s not one of the most heartwarming, but very often, they’d catch me by surprise and effect me on a personal level.  Gee, maybe I should help my neighbor shovel the snow instead of throwing snowballs at them from my fort, I might consider.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that it was a COMMERCIAL FOR A RELIGION!  If I wasn’t born and raised Roaming Recovering Roman Catholic, seeing Jesus H. Christ’s name up there might have been a red alert, but I was, so it didn’t.  (Also, I wasn’t raised in a way that told me we were the only ones that were right, so at least I had that going for me.)

So now this little vid is making it’s way around the web.  I recieved it via a link in an email from frequent idea spurner Dave, and I watched it in similar wonder to the old LSD, er, I mean LDS commercials.  It was beautiful, and in fact made me happy to be alive.  Damn YouTube and their header captions:

I guess what I’m saying is it’s much more effective than this old thang:

In other words, how can so many inches of Tom Cruise can be wrong?  (My guess: 60 of his 67…)

JusWondering… Do The Kids Even Know What A Record Scratch Is Anymore?

There’s a commercial that plays here in Detroit which uses the record scratch sound to express a shock.   I can’t recall the product or manufacturer to present an example, but for those of you born in the *gulp* 90’s, the sound occurs at the 0:52 mark in this excellent mash-up:

iTod Meet Coaster Spinner With Weird Arm Thingee?

iTod Meet Coaster Spinner With Weird Arm Thingee?

And I’m being serious here.  Why would any modern advertisement resort to such an out-dated cliche?  I’m sure the writers thought they were being funny (as I often do and fail miserably), but a record scratch?  A RECORD SCRATCH?

Here’s some other things I’ve been JusWondering about:

1) In the song, Only Wanna Be With You, does Hootie cry about the Miami Dolphins, or about “the dolphins” in general (since he’s friends with “the Blowfish,” you see)?

2) Is l33t speak still called that?  Because it seems kinda like that term’s jumped the shark?

3) Has the term jumped the shark nuked the fridge?

4) Is it just me, or shouldn’t She’s a Beauty totally be a song by Chicago or at least Peter Cetera, instead of The Tubes?  It should have been in Mannequin, too.  (Was it in that?)

Kim Cattrall's finest performance

Kim Cattrall’s stiffest performance

5) Much ballyhoo has been made about Conan O’Brien being a neophyte in L.A., but didn’t he live there when he wrote for The Simpsons?  (Boom!  Research!  He lived there when he wrote for HBO’s Not Necessarily the NewsNo specifics on his home whilst he was on his Homer bender, but I’m still pretty sure he was at least in Hollywood.  Turn that ballyhoo into boo!)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Kermit The Frog Escapes From Rosie O’Donnell!

For some reason, the world was all aflutter in this dream.  National news, tabloid shows, late night talk fests… everyone was going crazy about how Rosie O’Donnell ate the Muppets.

(Now let me state this here: I have no problem with Rosie-O whatsoever.  I like women in the media like her and Roseanne that speak their minds, even if people don’t really want to hear it.  Don’t know why this is so, but I just thought I had to give this disclaimer.)

Anywhatnot, the media jumped all over the story.  Word was that she had already devoured Miss Piggy and Gonzo, and that she was well on her way to swallowing Kermit.

Dramatization of my psychosis

Dramatization of my psychosis

 But then, against all odds, Kermit showed up at a Hollywood premier.  Interviewers pressed him for a what, and a why, and a how, and all he said was that he climbed out of Rosie’s gullet.  Overnight, this poster was found in offices everywhere:

On Sale Now! (...nowhere...)

On Sale Now! (...nowhere...)

 INGREDIENTS: Booze and a patty melt (minus onions) plus garlic mashed potatoes.

Joyous Find… Auto-Tune The News (And The Gregory Brothers)

Someone check the definition for "brothers" please...

Someone check the definition for "brothers" please...

It’s been a short while since I’ve stumbled across something on the TripleDoubleU that’s compable of consuming massive amounts of my time.  Congrats to The Gregory Brothers for doing just that. 

(SIDENOTE: The group includes a sister, just like how it is with the Warner Brothers – Yakko, Wakko, and Dot, yet I suspect they are not really related, just like how it is with The Ramones.  But Kings of Leon are all brothers, which I didn’t initially believe, so who knows?  Sarah’s the sister-in-law, married to Evan, oldest brother of Andrew and Michael.  Boom!  Reasearch!) 

Together, they have encompassed a great portion of my weekend by being fantastic on so many levels.

First off – they are talented as all get up.  Not just a little get up, or a medium amount of get upall of it.

Second off – they’re funny as heck.  Okay, “heck” might not be as funny as the word “poop,” but I’m not putting that word in any sentence about them.  Erm…

Okay, so many levels that include only two, but they’re huge levels, right?

I found out about them through Warming Glow (thanks!) after a post showing this video:

Incredible, right?  It skewers auto-tuning, the news in general, and the current state of politics, and still manages to be a good song.  Not a classic song per se, but beyond textured for a comedy bit.

After watching the first four auto-tuned news reports on their YouTube channel Schmoyoho amongst other earlier outings, I dove into their Facebook and MySpace pages and was surprised to find they were serious musicians (I really like Butter On My Roll, but who am I kidding… it’s all great.).  That elevated their level of a shout out on this page from general to specific.  That doesn’t just happen for everyone.

Too bad the 25% of the band that’s “babe” is already spoken for.  I love women that can sing.  Sarah, if you ever get bored with Evan and are looking for a blogger that tries to be funny on a daily basis, comment on my site and I’ll respond!  Srsly, I will comment right back on this blog!  (Pourquoi est il que les amours m’échappe?)