Month: March 2009

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Rise Of Cobra (Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter)

Posted on by sgottahurt

In one of my dreams last night, I watched/participated in the new G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie.

It began rather inoccuously, meaning it didn’t seem at all like G.I. Joe.  There was a compound and the team was being built.  It was comprised of a bunch of your movie stereotypes (which I won’t go into because it doesn’t bode well for my subconscious).  I remember a moment where a group of us were in a steel-decor room and cardboard boxes full of ammo rested on the center table.  The captain or general or secretary (I don’t recall) said “Go!” and everyone lunged for the weapons like they were candy, stuffing grenades, guns, and dynamite in their pockets.

I wore a jacket comparable to this one (based on my real-life coat, also from American Eagle):

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

I also think that the compound was somehow connected to a resort, like in the old episodes of Get Smart.  The reason I bring this up is because at one point, after a member of my team falls through a concealed trap door, in searching for him, we fall through a similar hinged entrance.

We end up trapped with our fallen friend in a room on the resort side.  The windows are shatter-proof and there are no doors.  We can’t escape.  Then through the windows, we see a couple that I apparently met earlier.  They open the window from a latch outside, but they won’t let us out unless we can name who’s singing the song coming from their bedroom TV next door.

Right away, I know who it is: Shania Twain, and she’s doing a duet with Eurotrash superstar (?) Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw… (I don’t know exactly – it was some weird dream name).

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

The couple let us out, and I ran to the TV because it was one of my favorite videos.  This guy was singing the duet with Shania:

Actor: Peter Stormare!
Actor: Peter Stormare!

Anyyojoe… my team ends up getting shipped out to do battle with Cobra, and it’s at this point that I realize I watching/participating in the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie and I’m pissed!  It took this long to get to any battles?! 

There was a car chase that lead to a field with way too many chain link fences.  Bullets!  Bombs!  Explosions!

I was about to get captured/killed when I realized I had one of those hypersuits (whatever the fuck they’re wearing in this preview), and I started leaping and hopping about, between crater blasts and flimsy fences.  Something trips me and I land at the feet of a guy dressed like this:

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

As I struggle to get to my feet, he removes his mask, and lo!  Who is it?

Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw…

I walked out of the movie/woke up because I thought it was stupid.

INGREDIENTS: Working 13 hours (and until 1am), 2 Cheesy Double Beef Burritos, 1 24oz. bottle of none other than Mt. Dew

Happy Find… F— You, Penguin

Posted on by sgottahurt

If I was Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry, and I said to someone, “Go ahead… make my day,” and they pulled out their mobile phone with TripleDoubleU access (carefully) to show me this site, I’d let them go (y’know, because they made my day).

The site?  Fuck You, Penguin.  The reason why?  See below.

Now I know it’s from another blogging community, and believe me, I’m not cheating on you my beloved WordPress.  But I believe it is part of my duty to go out and explore, and return like Uncle Traveling Matt with news of my discoveries.  It’s similar to how Detroit has better access to Canadian music, then shares it with the rest of the U.S.  (As a Canadian may say, “Sore-y aboot Nickelback, eh?“)

SIDENOTE: On St. Patrick’s Day, the radio station Mix 96.7 was giving away an Elmo DVD to the first caller that could name the biggest movie star to ever come out of Ireland.  Two people in row answered Mel Gibson.  (There’s so many things wrong in just two sentences.)

But I digress… back to Fuck You, Penguin.  (Not to be confused with my other Happy Find, Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling!)

Some samples:

In regard to this, the Baudet de Poitou Donkey, and there only being four hundred of them, FUP said:

baudet-donkey

"You better find a mate and start knocking boots, Donkey, so you can start sprouting up like American Apparels. I don't understand how you can be such prudes, seeing as you are French. What, are you saving yourself for the right donkey?"

 Then there’s his tirade at a Porcupine in a tree:

"Very clever, Porcupine. You want me to catch you, don't you? You might have cute little teeth and a furry belly, but you've got giant quills all over your back, and if I come any closer, I'm going to be in a world of pain unmatched even by what your little porcupine paws are doing to me."
“Very clever, Porcupine. You want me to catch you, don’t you? You might have cute little teeth and a furry belly, but you’ve got giant quills all over your back, and if I come any closer, I’m going to be in a world of pain unmatched even by what your little porcupine paws are doing to me.”

I think the stuff is funny as shit poop.  (Ever notice how most words double-o’s are funny for some reason?  Poop, boobs, food… okay maybe just poop and boobs).  You may not.  And if you don’t, I’ll just call you a penguin.

JusWondering… Does The Dodge Charger Come With Any Gimmicks? No, Don’t Tell Me

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m not sure if I’ve fallen victim to marketing, or if I’m getting the “new car bug,” but lately I can’t stop staring any time I see one of these:

Dodge Charger

Dodge Charger

It looks so mean and sporty – it’s so unlike the picks in my past.  I just hope that I don’t find out about any special features in it.  For example, I bought one of these because people threw a Frisbee through it’s open sides in a commercial:

Honda Element

Honda Element

Well, there was the Frisbee thing, but there also was the fact you could hose out the inside (which I never did), plus I could live in it if necessary because the seats folded into a bed.  That last reason was probably the same reason why this car vehicle thing on four wheels caught my eye once upon a time:

Pontiac Aztec, with "tent" feature

Pontiac Aztec, with "tent" feature

Also, the Aztec had a normal power cord plug in the dashboard.  What can I say?  I’m easy.

I bought my current Honda Civic because the dashboard had blue lights.  I must have been a moth in a past life…

Ooooh... shiny...

Ooooh... shiny...

JusWondering… Is Josh Groban Cool?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This has been something creeping in the back of my mind for awhile now.  I mean, if you have a voice like he does, you have to use it in the genre it works best (makes you shitloads of money earns you a living).  But ever since his appearance in Jimmy Kimmel’s “I’m F’n Ben Affleck,” the case study has been building.

EXHIBIT A – “I’m F’n Ben Affleck”

This is a TripleDoubleU phenom and a played out meme, but as a refresher, check out the 7:40 mark:

EXHIBIT B – “2008 Emmy TV Theme Song Medley”

By no means or stretch of the imagination is any of this good.  But the fact that he willingly participated in it speaks volumes (to me at least).  I’d like to think he knew those theme songs by heart before this idea was ever a twinkle sty in anyone’s eye:

XZIBIT C – “You Don’t Know Me” by Ben Folds and Regina Spektor

Directed by the awesome Tim and Eric (of “Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show, Great Job!“), Josh Groban makes a guest appearance twice in Ben Folds‘ video, while for some reason, Regina Spektor does not.  Check him out at the 2:46 and 3:07 marks:

In closing, you’ll have to judge whether Josh Groban is cool or not, but based on the above samples, I think he is cool. 

If you want to judge my judging, I used to think this was cool:

It Only Happens Once A Year… I Hafta Post It!

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you’ve seen this before (which is likely), it never gets old.  If you’ve never seen this before, watch it more than once!

Drunken Recollection… Drips Ahoy!

Posted on by sgottahurt

There has been a Drunken Recollection I’ve been meaning to get to for awhile, but the moment has passed and the recollection is fuzzier than it ever was.  My notes on the matter:

  • Frois grois was typed as a note in my phone, which is actually foie gras… it was a conversation I had with my sister, Tammie, about how ducks and geese are force-fed to fatten up their livers.  I never heard of it, but apparently it’s getting banned in various states courtesy of animal activists.  I have no opinion or witty quip on the matter now – if I did then, consider it “pissed away.”
  • Another thing my sister brought up was an artist she knows that wrote the saying, “War leads to Poverty, Poverty leads to Peace, Peace leads to Greed, Greed leads to War.”  Man, were we in a bummy mood that night.*
  • The only light highlight was a comment from my observant sibling.  On Friday, I missed out on homemade macaroni and cheese at my old grade school because they ran out.  On Sunday, I missed hanging out with an old friend downtown at a place that serves the best homemade macaroni and cheese.  Tammie said, “This was your Mac and Cheese Denial weekend.”

Now onto the most current D.R.  It occurred at a private boat club in Wyandotte, where the usual crew set out to play an exclusive game of trivia.  There were cash prizes to be had – $50 for 1st, $30 for 2nd, and $10 for 3rd.

I arrived first, and its location reminded me of a scene in a movie where people that need to exchange a suitcase full of money, a nuclear warhead, or “whatever’s-in-the-trunk” would meet.

Inside, I had to knock on the port door to be let in.  Then I had to sign a book.  All the old regulars surrounded the bar, and all they served was beer in cans that had that faint odor of old ice.  I ordered my can and sat my can at the table near the window overlooking Lake Erie.

The others arrived and we decided to split into two teams (the better to win more money – which we did, natch!)  We quickly learned that the regulars weren’t too fond of us being there, and, oh yeah – there was a certain spot at the bar you had to order from.  The bartender could look right at you standing anywhere else and he’d look through you.

We ended up drinking enough to build a beer can pyramid, a.k.a. a beeramid, which made the regulars mad.  We each walked out with an extra five bucks each and our tab paid back.  All-in-all, I will never return there again.  Maybe.

In closing, I also learned that cenosillicaphobia meant “fear of an empty beer glass” and that I am cenosillicaphobic.

Not pictured: our beeramid. This is based on a true story.

Not pictured: our beeramid. This is based on a true story.

*Okay, I was completely (well not completely) off on the quote.  It’s from a folk song and her fiancé’s uncle wrote it down and framed it:

ALL IN A NUT SHELL

War begets poverty
Poverty peace
Peace begets wealth
Wealth beget pride
Pride is war’s ground
War begets poverty

So the world goes round

InASense, Lost… Herpes On The Rise Due To Game?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t want to be naive , but apparently cold sores – not better known as lip herpes, and definitely not known as liperpes (though it should be) – is spreading like wild fire amongst college students.  The culprit blamed for the spreading: beer pong.

From Asylum:

But beer pong could be nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex in terms of spreading diseases, according to a recent article in the University of Massachusetts’ student newspaper — which links the rise of herpes on campus to the popularity of beer pong. Because the game involves multiple people drinking from the same cups, the herpes virus — which can be transmitted via saliva — can be spread to everyone who is playing through the course of a game. The virus is up 230 percent since 2007 in people between ages 17 and 21.

And here I foolishly thought it was because college students are generally sluts (and I’m talking about both genders when I say that).

This got me thinking about what other STD’s might not be ST’d (sexually transmitted), and in fact may be BP’d (beer ponged).

  • Gonorrhea – From clapping near someone else who is clapping.  This is why it’s also known as the Clap.
  • Chlamydia–  From getting sodas out dispensers outside of Walmart stores.
  • Genital Warts – From playing with toads before using the restroom.  The same applies to Crabs.  Not to be confused with Gentile Warts, common amongst Christians.
  • Syphilis – Was created by Alexander Fleming in order to sell his new discovery, penicillin.  Transmitted via playing catch with Frisbees, and sometimes Nerf Boomerangs.

A pubic public service announcement from the 80’s:

In My Brain While Sleeping… Housecleaning Pucks And Hamburger Docs

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had to verify what my subconscious created in this doozy of a dream, because in another one, my subconscious got it completely all wrong.  It works in the second dream because it makes it kinda funny.  But the fact that I knew a certain fact in the first one so matter-of-, um, -factly kinda impresses me (humility is soooo overrated).

DREAM SCENARIO ONE

I was playing hockey.  It wasn’t a professional game, but professionals were there.  (This entire dream happened out of guilt for skipping pick-up hockey last night.  In my defense, two friends were not going… I just hope they had enough people… curse you guilt!)  Anyhattrick, one of the pros approached me at the end and said, “I heard your house could use a good spring cleaning.”  I told him, “Yeah, it could,” and then wondered who he’d been talking to.  That’s when he dropped this deal, “I’d do it.  For five bucks.”  How could I resist?  So I handed him five bucks and made arrangements, not even thinking he could be scamming me for five bucks.  And he showed up!  To clean!  The player in question:

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

Martin Brodeur, goalkeeper for the New Jersey Devils.  I didn’t know I knew him, or his position, or that he was Canadian, yet my subconscious did (I’m not 100% on whether I knew he was a Devil, but I want to say he was wearing their color scheme).  In double-checking my brain, some tidbits I learned about him:

  • He’s played for the New Jersey Devils his entire NHL career. (I like franchise guys, and the NHL is full of them.)
  • He’s three shutouts short of breaking Detroit Red Wing Terry Sawchuck’s record of 103 games. (FYI – Sawchuck’s mask was the basis for Jason’s mask in Friday the 13th.)
  • He holds the second place record (behind Patrick Roy) for the most wins, which he’ll inevitably pass provided he stays healthy.
  • He holds the record for the most wins in a regular season (48, in 2006-7).
  • He’s the only NHL goalie to score a game winning goal.

There are many more.  And I might have to add that I could be a fan now.  What?  Don’t look at me like that.  I’m not saying I like him better than my beloved Red Wings… well, maybe Chris Osgood if he doesn’t start picking up.

DREAM SCENARIO TWO

I was eating at a McDonald’s (like I often do?) when a commotion started at the register.  The friends with me initially ignored it, but when the buzz of excitement started spreading, people were rushing to the front counter.  I overheard a girl say, “The stars of Top Gun are here doing a promotion!”  So the group I was with got mixed up in the glee and followed.  I distinctly remember not even thinking Tom Cruise would be there.  I knew it would be Iceman (Val Kilmer) and Goose (Anthony Edwards).  Turned out the rumors were wrong.  Instead of getting this duo:

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I got this duo:

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

 Except they looked like this:

Uh... yeah...

Uh... yeah...

 Of course, everyone was excited to see George Clooney, and under normal circumstances I would have been, too.  But Anthony Edwards?  How often is he out in public?  This was my chance to pitch a script in which he would have the starring role.  The script entitled “Continuum” was based on a dream I once had that featured Anthony Edwards (how meta).  I told it to him while Clooney took orders from dining room patrons, but I figured he was listening to our conversation and would possibly produce/direct the film.  The only catch – the script wasn’t written.  Edwards would be in town for two more days, so I’d have to write it in that time.  That’s when Clooney chimed in, “It could be the greatest script of all time… or the crappiest.”  (I knew he was eavesdropping!)

And that was that.  To sum up: Martin Brodeur cleaned my house for five bucks, and I had two days to write a script for Anthony Edwards to star in.  I have no idea what any of that means.

JusWondering… Some “Detroit Saving” Alternatives To Jay Leno

Posted on by sgottahurt

Jay Leno is coming to Detroit as a part of his comedy stimulus plan, and even though city council person, Martha Reeves(of Martha and the Vandellas), doesn’t like the fact that he’s coming to the Palace of Auburn Hills, I have some alternatives to his idea.

1) This.  Parade.  Rocks.  It’s exactly the kind of pick-me-up the ailing city of Detroit could use.  Do you hear that ninjas?  Come to Detroit!

2) If that doesn’t happen, then we could always use a Carl’s Brother Dave Jr. restaurant.  We just started getting Sonic restaurants here, and it’s been bowlofmilkriffic!

3) I never thought I’d ever be saying this, but bring the comedic stylings of Ricky Gervais and Elmo to Detroit!  They are a genius duo unmatched by any!

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Pet Peeves At Work

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s that time again (a whole four days later), when Paul, my current boss and for-some-reason friend, blackmails me into posting top five lists for him.  It’s punishment because I blog on the job.  So here it goes:

Paul’s Top Five Pet Peeves @ Work [Ed. – @ instead of “at”… y’know, since we’re an IT firm]

1) People that don’t wash their hands after using the public restroom [Ed. – As opposed to the private restroom?]

2) Habitual misspelling and improper capitalization [Ed. – Friend/coworker Chris is natorius for This]

3) Firms with partners names in them [Ed. – Plenty of law firms with plenty of egos in our building]

4) People that choose the middle of three stalls when the end ones are empty [Ed. – Guess where Paul tends to be when we need him… it’s not the center stall]

5) People that use the elevator to go up or down one floor [Ed. – Hey sometimes after a night of basketball and soccer, a person gets tired.]