TV | monkeyBLOG monkeyDO

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Teen Wolf Writers Are No Heroes

Posted on November 5, 2009 by sgottahurt

Who let the wolves out? Wolf, wolf, wolf...

Though 80’s classics, I never could get into the Teen Wolf movies (soon to be an MTV show). There was something unfulfilling about them, though they were ripe with fodder (<—a phrase not used often enough).

I was a big fan of both Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman at the time of each respective release, so what went wrong?

I may have found the answer via Topless Robot’s Twitter feed. Commenters on the nerd-centric blog pointed out a peculiar Coinkydink (or Coinkydonk – vote below) to site-founder, Rob Bricken, while he was on a tizzy about NBC’s Heroes driving him to drink.

The facts are these (I sorely miss Pushing Daisies, which was created by Heroes’ only hero – Bryan Fuller):

Teen Wolf was written by Meh Jeph Loeb.

A face only a motherfucker could punch.

Teen Wolf Too was written by Tim Kring.

Probably overheard saying, "I have no idea what I'm doing."

While this makes little sense to those non-nerd-centric-minded out there, the reason why Heroes sucked sucks so bad (I try to pretend it isn’t on anymore), is that it was created by Tim Kring, the guy that wrote a sequel to a crap cash grab movie by Jeph Loeb, and Tim Kring brought Jeph Loeb on board to help oversee Heroes (for awhile).

(SIDENOTE: Loeb was fired last year, but it happened at the point Leo DiCaprio let go of the wood board Kate Winslet was floating on, if Heroes was the Titanic… basically, it occurred too late.)

So if you’re wondering… what am I bashing more – Teen Wolf one and Too, or Heroes? My answer is this: I’m not finished.

While Tim Kring might have went on to create Crossing Jordan and produce Providence (two moderately successful shows I would never watch), he did work on Chicago Hope and Misfits of Science (two awesome shows I wish were on DVD). And the first season of Heroes was great, which gains him some ground, but again, he did hire Loeb, so there that goes…

Now Jeph Loeb on the other hand:

Wrote the wretched X-Man for Marvel Comics, which facilitated my disconnect with the X-Men Universe in paper-and-ink form (tubby Brett Ratner did the same in regard to the films)
Produced the highly suspect, and in retrospect, pretty crappy, second season of Lost
While producing and writing for Smallville, he introduced young Superman to Red Kryptonite, which is usually green; now writing again at Marvel, he introduced Red Hulk to battle green Hulk

In his (slight) defense, Loeb did write Arnie’s Commando, and he has been recognized positively for his comic writing (he’s received four Eisner‘s and five Wizard Fan Awards). But let me get to the nitty-gritty…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Mac Versus PC

Posted on October 28, 2009 by sgottahurt

When these commercials first came out, I loved them. I’ve worked in IT for almost ten years, and the lowest moment for me was the release of Windows Vista.

Which is why the Mac Vs. PC commercials always made me smile – they had a point. In reality, if I had to deal with issues involving Vista any more than I did, I would have switched to Apple’s operating system (and more expensive equipment) in a heartbeat.

But now, with the release of Windows 7, which is getting reviewed way higher than its predecessor, are these commercials going to be obsolete:

Will they be like The Daily Show with John Stewart in a post-Bush era? (Still funny, but not as biting…) Or will Windows 7 fail to impress in the long run, thus providing continual fodder for the mocking ads?

I think the jump ship mentality that Vista wrought has come to an end, and I have had limited interaction with 7 so far. I have another friend that works at a different level of IT than I do, and he claims to love it (out of 700 pc’s he’s worked on at clients, less than 2% used Vista… or at least thereabout).

So is the campaign still ripe with humor? Or has something that was The Shit become Just Shitty? I’m inclined to think Apple’s advertising team needs to go back to the drawing board or whatever high-end technology they have, despite how funny I think John Hodgman is, or how funny Justin Long arguably may be.

One question remains though. How did they count to Windows 7?

By my count:

Windows 3.1
Windows 95
Windows 98
Windows Me
Windows XP
Windows Vista
Windows 7

But Windows 3.1 was Version Three-Point-One. And what about this Windows 2 that’s mentioned in the commercial above? That’s either Just Shitty writing, or it’s flat-out Just Shitty.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Oxycodone + Morons = Oxy-Morons

Posted on October 24, 2009 by sgottahurt

Meet the Oxy-Morons:

Smallville's Sam Jones & Bog Brother's Adam Jasinski

Smallville's Sam Jones & Big Brother's Adam Jasinski

I don't oxycodone the abuse of prescription medication.

Within 24 hours, it was announced that two former “tv stars” were picked up by the DEA in connection with buying and selling oxycodone AKA oxycontin AKA hillbilly heroin AKA Rush Limbaugh’s best friend.

Sam Jones played young Superman’s best friend in the first three seasons of Smallville, and Adam Jasinski played “Baller” on the ninth season of Big Brother.

Jones was picked up in Los Angeles and had in his possession 10,000 pills; Jasinski was picked up North Reading, Massachusetts with 2000 pills, which he purchased with the half-million dollars he won on the summer long show.

What’s the connection that makes this a possible Coinkydink or a possible Coinkydonk?

The fact that they happened so close together, people. Isn’t that enough?

How weird is it that the DEA targeted two individuals selling hillbilly heroin in two different states with two different amounts in their possession? How weird is it that they were featured in two different shows on two different networks and that were opposite styles (sci-fi drama and reality)?

Jones could have been the Hollywood mastermind, a real-life villain if you will. And he used his connections to lure the champion Jasinski that just won $500,000 to distribute pills in a sorta small town.

Real-life villain… Superman meets reality tv… small town… North Reading like Smallville… the feds are watching… Big Brother has cameras everywhere… their last names both start with J… Jor-El is Superman’s father’s… Julie Chen hosted Big Brother… anything?

Awful Battle… Awesome Cartoons Of Questionable Content

Posted on October 20, 2009 by sgottahurt

Cartoons, just like toys, aren’t only for kids anymore. We might be able to think the Japanese for that, but it might also be this current generation of man-children at fault.

The following videos are proof of that (only one Japanese one in the bunch… try and guess which one). Why else would there be:

a woman licking a horse and being offended by its erection
Jesus turning water into whiskey at a rave and space monkey angels
a gaggle of panties flying in the V-formation (not sure if it’s meant to be ironic)
selfish children getting devoured by cockroaches

Despite all being well-done, they burnt my brain. Which is the worst?

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

JusWondering… What Else Should They Bring Back?

Posted on October 19, 2009 by sgottahurt

Often owned by strangers with candy.

Well whadayanknow?

Last year, Polaroid got rid of their Instant Cameras. I wrote about it here when this blog was still a fledgling.

But courtesy of The Impossible Project (or of a PR stunt the likes of the Heene family – the last batches of film sold recently expired), Polaroid is bringing sexy Instant Cameras back.

This got me thinking… what other foregone technologies would I like to see return?

1) Spindle

In fairy tales, they were able to spin straw into gold. They also acted as GHB when it came to princesses. So maybe they shouldn’t come back.

2) Dick Tracy Copmobile

With technology like that, kids’ imaginations had to flourish. (See the original toy commercial down below.)*

3) Top Loading VCR’s

“What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” “The VCR heads!”

Nostalgia and functionality and purpose aside… look at how easy it was to use? With all those dials and switches and buttons, you could set the clock! (Ra-tat-tat-CRASH!) Of course I want it back for nostalgic reasons (but still not functionality and purpose).

4) Libraries

The Dewey Decimal System was "thisclose" to being the Huey Whole Number System. The Louie Lottery System wasn't even close.

There’s something terribly wrong with kids today, and I stand by two reasons why:

Siblings each having their own bathroom growing up, instead of fighting to share one.
Libraries aren’t used as social gathering places anymore.

Wait, what? Libraries still exist? I thought the Internet would have surely killed them. My bad.

SIDENOTE: While we await the Instant Cameras’ re-release, why not pick up this camera that logs every moment of your life? It’s like YouTube meets Twitter!

You know you want it

*Original Dick Tracy Copmobile commercial after the jump Read More

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Harrison F—ing Ford

Posted on October 17, 2009 by sgottahurt

Is he the one-armed man?

Harrison Fucking Ford. It’s his middle name, really. (No, not really. He has none. He did go by Harrison J. Ford early in his career as not to be confused with the silent film actor of the same name, but I digress.)

Back in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and, um, just 2000, Ol’ Harry was at the top of his game (for the most part). Not only did he bring us the above two scoundrels with their hearts of gold (each for three movies, since there is no Crystal Skull, just as there are no prequels), he also brought us:

a cowboy in a roadster (American Graffiti)
a cowboy in a temple (The Frisco Kid)
a detective in a strange land – the future (Blade Runner)
a detective in a strange land – Amish country (Witness)
a doctor chasing after terrorists who kidnapped his wife (Frantic)
a doctor chasing a one-armed man who murdered his wife (The Fugitive)
a doctor chasing his wife to murder her (What Lies Beneath)
a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Presumed Innocent)
a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Regarding Henry)
a business man with love problems (Working Girl)
a business man with love problems (Sabrina)
a cop that shares his home (The Devil’s Own)
a cop that sells homes (Hollywood Homicide)
a politician having a problem before a plane crash (Air Force One)
a politician’s aide having a problem after a plane crash (Random Hearts)
a father in the jungle (The Mosquito Coast)
a pilot in the jungle (Six Days Seven Night)
a soldier during the Vietnam War (Apocalypse Now)
a soldier during the Cold War (K-19: The Widowmaker)
Jack Ryan (Patriot Games)
Jack Ryan (Clear and Present Danger)
a flop (Firewall)
a flop (Crossing Over)

Whew. That was easy.

Anywookiee, there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Despite the missteps in the late 90’s (Sabrina, The Devil’s Own, Six Days Seven Night), he had a good run. What changed, you might ask. I might say:

Sixty-five-year-old Harrison Ford met Calista Flockhart, 44, in 2002, when she reportedly spilled wine on him at the Golden Globes. The pair immediately started dating and have been together ever since. (via iVillage)

A-ha! Calista Fucking Flockhart happened! So if Harrison Ford wants to get back to creating iconic characters, he needs to say sayonara to Ally McBeal. I know they’re engaged and he co-adopted her adopted son, but it’s never too late to get out of it…

Harry – remember how much divorce costs? $85,000,000 ring any bells? (Notice the date of this article announcing his break from Melissa Mathison.) Don’t you see what a mistake K-19: The Widowmaker that ridiculous Russian non-accent leaving the beloved screenwriter of E.T. did to your film career?! Here’s to hoping you lose those diamond earrings and that “television star,” and you’ll return to save the Star Wars series in Episodes 7, 8, and 9!!!1! You can even have Han Solo die in 8 and skip 9 if you’d like! Whatever it takes! Be daring like Indy used to be!

Stop this from ever happening again:

InASense, Lost… Balloon Boy And His Ilk (Also, “Up” Dropping 11/10)

Posted on October 16, 2009 by sgottahurt

Ah, balloon boy.

Balloon boy, balloon boy, balloon boy.

Your mother and father wanted you to steal our hearts and imaginations, but all you did was help them crash a giant flying Jiffy Pop bag. And you may not have done that…

But one thing you did for sure – you totally crashed their dreams of more exposure.*

(SIDENOTE: Disney/Pixar’s UP will be available November 10th on Blu-ray and DVD)

Arriving November 10th

So let’s make this clear. Six-year Falcon Heene confessed stated:

You guys said, ‘We did this for the show.’

Which show was he talking about? Another episode of ABC’s Wife Swap? (They’ve already participated in two key parties swaps.)

Oh yeah, did I mention that on the 10th of November, you can get your own copy of Disney/Pixar’s UP on Blu-ray or DVD?

Buy It November 10th

What makes me mad about this fiasco is that so much time, money, and effort was donated to and wasted on what was possibly some big publicity stunt. It definitely detracts from other miracles involving children in dangerous situations, such as this little girl in Washington:

Or this infant in Australia:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

In both of these instances, those we’re supposed to protect were not, but they luckily seemed to be protected by some higher power, call it whatever name you pull out of the hat. And though these two children faced minor injury (but maybe major trauma), their stories of survival are far more interesting than some goof played by some goofball parents and their goofball kid. And they named him Falcon? Seriously?

*Disney/Pixar’s UP is finally “landing” on Blu-ray and DVD. Look for it November 10th.

On Shelves November 10th

BONUS VOMIT VIDEO:

Worth 1002 Words… Star Trek Phallic Stalagmite (Or Stalactite) Edition

Posted on October 15, 2009 by sgottahurt

Star Trick

Some alternates:

Big Jim
Stalac Tight?
“Where’s Bones?”
Stalag Mighty?
Phasers Stunned
William Shat-not

Drunken Recollection… So Many Questions, So Many Beers

Posted on October 14, 2009 by sgottahurt

Here are some drunk items that popped up and required follow up (mostly because either my iPhone’s battery was dead, or I was too sauced to check at that moment). But it further proves my point. Well, maybe not my point as much as my slogan – “I’m Thinking Meets Drinking.”

Q: Have I ever heard of the song In The Year 2525 by Zager and Evans?

A: No. Well maybe. But I like this video somebody put together:

Q: Have I ever heard of Saturday Night Live alum, Charles Rocket?

He's a real person? I thought was a robotic character, perhaps.

A: No. Well maybe. He’s familiar looking for sure:

In further research (wassup Wiki?!), I uncovered these additional tidbits:

He was touted as a cross between Bill Murray and Chevy Chase during the 80-81 season of SNL.
He uttered the word “fuck” at the end of a show, and ceremoniously got canned with the bulk of the cast and crew (save Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy).
He committed suicide… by slicing his own throat.

Q: Have I ever heard of author David Foster Wallace?

A: You mean the man behind Infinite Jest, which Time magazine included in their 100 greatest English-language novels since 1923? You mean the man behind Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, which John Krasinski of The Office adapted into a film? No. Not at all. I just learned all this.

Also learned: he killed himself. (Wassup withat?!)

Q: Have you heard the original version of Unchained Melody by Al Hibbler?

A: I have now. But FYI – it technically wasn’t the original. But it did pre-date Ghost’s theme song the Righteous Brothers version.

Q: Who was I hanging out with that asked me so many questions?!

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? The Proactiv Curse

Posted on October 13, 2009 by sgottahurt

This post was originally going to be about my investigation into the ripping off of Bruce Hornsby (and the Range)’s Mandolin Rain (or is it Tupac’s Changes?) in Proactiv Acne Solutions’ commercials, but then I stumbled onto a greater conspiracy.

What do these young ladies’ have in common?

LiLo, KelCla, JeLoHew

They had stellar careers, booming out of nowhere, sky’s-the-limit…

Then they did Proactiv commercials.

How have they fared since?

LayLow - Kelly Clark Bar - Mrs. Jaime Kennedy?!

LayLow - Kelly Clark Bar - Mrs. Jamie Kennedy?!

(SIDENOTE: You may have noticed Jessica Simpson was also in their commercials, but did she really ever have a career?)

My biggest concern of late is this cutie:

Julianne Hough of "Dancing With My Heart"

She’s been in Proactiv commercials, and although she’s well-known (?) amongst Dancing with the Stars, country music, and Juicy Fruit fans, I hope to see more from her in the entertainment world.

Ultimately, this comes down to whether or not I’m reading into this (Coinkydink) or I’m onto something (Coinkydonk).

Your drunk thoughts Diddy?

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around: