Some people believe that the world is going to end December 21, 2012. I, on the other hand, think it already has. Why else would Taco Bell have gotten rid of chili cheese burritos? (NOTE: I considered innumerable options for this “joke,” but the truth is that I really really loved their chili cheese burritos…)
Anychuro, the new movie 2012 is going to be unleashed upon us well before then. Everyone that will see it will be seeing it because of the special effects, and not the actors or their acting. Don’t believe me? Here’s the trailer with all the destruction edited out:
BONUS VIDEO: A recut of the preview as if it was 70’s Grindhouse film. Enjoy.
BONUS PLEA: If anyone out there has any pull at Taco Bell, it would give me new hope to know that they might bring chili cheese burritos back. I mean, seriously, what did chili ever do to you, Taco Bell? You can have potatoes and bacon, and not chili? You can even have BellHedz and not chili?!
See, even these guys look upset you don't have chili cheese burritos anymore...
Usually, when I’m web surfing, I’m channel surfing. I needed to state that so you can understand why stumbling across these two discoveries blew.my.mind.
It may not be fair to say these beloved sitcoms were Just Shitty, and through the powers of the TripleDoubleU (and outstanding do-gooders uploading to YouTube), they magically became The Shit. I’m merely pointing out that the, um, points of contention these two videos address were Just Shitty moments from the original programs.
Who out there really thought the closing theme from Frasier was The Shit? Maybe Skittle Man, but I’d venture to guess not too many others. But if you slap it up, flip it, rub it down, you get this:
Likewise, The Wonder Years focused heavily on voice over work, courtesy of Home Alone baddie, Daniel Stern. Narration is perceived as a big, lazy, no-no in screenwriting, so imagine how ahead of the curb the 80’s classic would have been if Danny Stern had been left out of the equation. (It’d be tantamount to The Hills, only without the pop music filler…)
The film American Pie introduced the world to a couple of notable items:
Stiffler
Guess what four-letter word he's thinking of...
Shitbreak
Who hasn't been there on a Sunday morning?
A horrific connection to apple pie (no image necessary)
And the concept of MILF’s (courtesy of Stiffler’s Mom)
That film came out eons ago, so I’m left to wonder… why does this commercial trouble me so? (The ending kind of freaks me out.)
Now I know it’s not as horrible as a dick hole in a pie, and maybe I’m being unenlightened by thinking this, but why do things keep breaking in that video? Is her stomach knocking up over shit? Is she crazy? Isn’t that dangerous to have an expectant mother in heels walking around smashed glass?
Remember the Alamothe Titans that Coinkydink stands for Coincidence, and that Coinkydonk sits for On Purpose. Comprende?
"She's soy sauce, and I'm Worcestershire," Juno might say of Jennifer, apropos of nothing.
I feel like writer Diablo Cody is a kindred spirit. We’re both from the Midwest. We’re both Children of the 80’s. We’re both bloggers. We’re both screenwriters (I’m just not yet produced). And we’re both exhibitionists (she was a stripper; I enjoy walking around the mall in a long brown trench coat… that’s all I’m saying).
But of late, I noticed something about Ms. Cody’s produced works. So far she has three: Juno, Jennifer’s Body, and United States of Tara. And they all share something thematic in common.
Tara with her Id, Ego, and Superego
Let it be known, I was fortunate enough to see Juno before it became the Incredible Hype, and I was knocked a bit off my feet by its sentiment and reality, despite the strange language that filled the characters’ mouths at the get-go. I’m still not sure if the movie laid off the weird speak as the movie progressed, or if I got used to it (and who am I to knock weird speak… Coinkydink or Coinkydonk?), but I never held it against the flick.
Jennifer’s Body, on the other hand, felt like a misstep. There was a lot of potential for homages, over-the-top zaniness, and ironic parallels to real high school life that never came to fruition, but this film spurned my thought processes. Then I recalled her Showtime series, and it clicked:
All Diablo Cody’s characters are women dealing with things inside their bodies.
Juno – a baby
Jennifer – a succubus
Tara – multiple personalities
There’s an old adage about writing: “write what you know.” It’s not surprising (and it’s actually quite refreshing) that Ms. Cody’s scripts would center on female leads, but it is interesting to note the duality involved in each of the above characters, considering the duality of Ms. Cody herself (if that’s her real name). Until she inevitably directs and becomes a true auteur, we’re left to wonder how her adaptation of Sweet Valley High will end up, or her future original works.
Tonight is the sixth season premiere of The Hills, and I hate to admit this but the show fascinates me.
It’s not like a car wreck or guilty pleasure kind of thing… The best analogy I can think of is that it’s hypnotic like a campfire.
You watch the flames move around without rhyme, reason, or purpose, sucking in the oxygen, destroying that from which it springs. When two logs strike each other, sparks fly. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy because you know you’re safe, and far from burning in the random pointlessness of the hot embers. You enjoy marshmallows on chocolate in between graham crackers.
And that’s the very essence that Late Night With Jimmy Fallon captures in their spoof series, 7th Floor West. So grab some mini marshmallows and a box of Teddy Grahams and click the image to link to the campyfire that is Jimmy Fallon’s 7th Floor West (all the episodes):
Jimmy and ZOMG! He's with Whitney Port from "The City"!
Well, I don’t know exactly what pop culture activity in America spurned this, but considering the hip hop, the sunglasses, and the kicking of burgers, we obviously inspired it:
BONUS: If you haven’t seen this yet, you must still be on dial-up and rabbit ears:
While on vacation a couple weeks ago in Mehico, I picked up a few things other than the Spanish language (and The Clap… you all know The Clap… it goes with this song:
and… end parenthetical).
Anyquién, I also decided I loathe the above remake, but that’s neither here nor there. Well, it was there, at the resort, where my dislike upgraded to loathe because they played it every day at the pool. Now onto the mysteries!
MYSTERY 1) A fair amount of time ago, a friend was telling me about a documentary he watched on Animal Planet or Discovery that was about “cutie fish.” He told me about how they are amongst the smartest invertebrates, and about their survival methods. Interesting, thought I, and I preceded to look them up… and found nothing.
In Mexico, some friends went snorkeling and mentioned that they saw “cuttlefish.” Which look like this:
MYSTERY 2) In my relaxing vacational TV viewing, I stumbled across a cartoon featuring a bunch of eggs that were battling, while some eggs were tied to a roller coaster track. One of them was friends with a strip of bacon, and one guy looked like this:
(Not So) Artistic Representation
It didn’t help that it was in Spanish, but I’ve not been able to find anything like it on Google image search.
BONUS MYSTERY: There was some CGI black and white movie that was in English, and it had a fairly intense shower sex scene. The main character’s name was Don Hudson, and he was being hunted by people the woman he just slept showered with called. There were reed accents throughout. Google search? Nada.
MYSTERIES – UNSOLVED
MYSTERY 3) In other TV viewing, there was some crappy Danny DeVito movie (I found out was entitled, Other People’s Money), and his character’s name was Larry Garfield. Now that’s not much on its own (although it was weird I had just watched Stand and Deliver and the school it took place at was also named Garfield High School), but after watching Shoot ‘Em Up, I theorized Odie meant “hate.”
Got home and Babel Fished it:
Boo-yah! Mystery solved! But a newer mystery remained. Did Garfield creator Jim Davis name his yellow dog this because his feline star hated him?
Apparently, no:
Odie was based on a car dealership commercial written by Jim Davis, which featured Odie the Village Idiot. Davis liked the name Odie and decided to use it again.
MYSTERIES – (UNSATISFACTORILY) SOLVED!
MYSTERY 4) Um, Boston Legal was called Justicia Ciega. What did it translate to? I figured justicia = legal, but what did ciega mean? Well on another show or movie (I don’t recall which one), a car accident almost occurred and a woman screamed, “What are you, blind?” Ciega flashed on the bottom. Boston Legal = Justicia Ciega = Blind Justice.
MYSTERY – SOLVED!
MYSTERY 5) Why did I spend so much time watching TV?
I often find myself debating the big questions of the universe. The biggest?
Am I a nerd, a dork, or a geek?
This pair of dreams that I had in one (count ’em, one!) night might mean the answer to the overhead head-banger is:
All of the above
DREAM SEQUENCE ALPHA
"Why so blue...?"
Life was going on as normal, if you consider normal being tormented by a Blue Man (not of any particular Group, it seemed). Determined to destroy my life – and possibly murder me – this Blue Man turned up everywhere.
Work. Home. Bars. Family and friends’ homes.
I couldn’t escape his attacks (unfortunately, as it is with dreams, the details are a little fuzzy). When I finally stood my ground and confronted him, he acknowledged that I passed his test.
As it turned out, he was an Omnipotent Immortal and indeed belonged to a Group of like-hued fellows. Their numbers were diminishing, and all the hell I had went through was like a hazing process.
Long story short, I became a Blue Man and started tormenting my friends and family with all my new found powers…
DREAM SEQUENCE BETA
I was standing in a dim room full of floating dust, dander bouncing and dancing in the narrow beams of sunlight.
A friend turned to me and said:
The entire Star Trek universe is in this room. Like how that entire galaxy fit in a marble in the first Men in Black film…
I'm squishing your head, I mean, universe.
Then he corrected himself:
Well, not the Delta Quadrant. I didn’t really like Voyager that much.
I looked closely at the soaring particles, and this is what I saw.
INGREDIENTS: Peanut butter on a bagel back in the mix. Yeah yeah!
It was just announced last week the Masters of the Universe movie was cancelled, and although the version in the works sounded craptastic, it pains me a bit to know that a live action version is further away. But given the track record with cartoons about toys being given their due on the silver screen, I think a lot of those dues haven’t been paid, nor will they. Sure, in ten years Transformers or G.I. Joe may or may not get rebooted, but will I care? (Odds are yes. Because technically, this MOTU a reboot, and I do care.)
I apologize for the fact that I posted this video almost a year ago, but it’s too awesome and helpful in imagining what a He-Man movie could be like:
And how bad ass would this Thundercats movie be:
Plus, with the fate of the third Batman film from director Christopher Nolan up in the air, does this whet your appetite?
I'm not drooling, am I?
Finally, and this is definitely off-topic but in line with the post’s title, has anyone ever seen this movie?
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