TV

Musical Musings… Bait-And-Switch CD’s, Rated By Surprised Grandmothers

Posted on by sgottahurt

As a self-proclaimed prankster, I have to admit I love it when musicians release their crossover tunes onto easy-listening stations, knowing full well that their CD is nothing like that one song.  Unwitting grandmothers and soccer moms hear it and think, “What a pleasant melody,” so they head to Target to pick it up, and image their shock at the remainder of the album.  (I wanted to go into a whole thing about grandmothers looking for LP’s and cassette tapes, but I thought it was mean and stopped myself.)

So what better way to express the level of shock value than by rating them with surprised grandmothers?

The latest culprit: Shinedown, with their album The Sound of Madness

A few other groups have done it in the past, like Rise Against and their album Siren Song of the Counter Culture.

Green Day committed the act late in the game, on their CD Nimrod.

Oh, and what can I say about Extra co-host, Mark McGrath’s, “humble” beginnings in Sugar Ray.  For the record (clever pun!), their first CD, Lemonade and Brownies (juvenile pun!) looked like this:

Nicole Eggert of "Charles In Charge" and something called... "Baywatch"?

Nicole Eggert of "Charles In Charge" and something called... "Baywatch"?

It was their second album, Floored, that pulled the bait-and-switch.

  • The Crossover: Fly
  • The Reality: RPM
  • Surprised Grandmother:

    "Turn that racket off!"

    "Turn that racket off!"

(SIDENOTE: Both of the above videos were integral to launching McG’s future career as a feature film director.  So every time you see Mark McGrath mugging on Extra, you can thank him for making Lemonade=Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle and Brownies=Terminator Salavation possible.  And McGrath <> McG?  Do I smell a conspiracy?  Nope.  Just turds.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Fantasy Movies

Posted on by sgottahurt

NOTE: Everything that follows is my opinion… and it’s all fact.

Fantasy movies are geared toward the audience that longs to be whisked away, and that’s namely the pre-teens of this world.  The reason why they are so susceptible: there’s still imagination (child-like wonder) remaining in their brains.  Any adult that is too into fantasy films obviously has a mental/social disorder (hello PotHeads and Twihards)…

I’m not meaning to be mean.  I’m merely meaning to get to the bottom of why fantasy films don’t do it for me anymore.

Growing up, I loved Clash of the Titans, The Beastmaster, The Dark Crystal, Gremlins, Tron, The Princess Bride, and some movies had to deal with a Star War or a few. There were others that I couldn’t quite get into like Legend and Labyrinth, but I always felt they were more for the young ladies (for the record, The Princess Bride was being read to Kevin Arnold Fred Savage).

Outside of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (it’s insanely absurd and clever), when I was turning thirteen, Willow wasn’t even cutting it anymore.  If I was going to like a dopey fantasy movie, it had something else going for it, such as my crush on Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands or me still being a fan of Steven Spielberg when he made Hook.

Let’s use The Neverending Story trilogy (yes there were three – and a TV show) to reiterate:

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The first film released in 1984: AWE-SOME (hyphen added for pause worthy emphasis).

The second film released in 1990: (Avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis…)

The third film released in 1994: Really?!  Highlights from an IMDB review:

I cannot begin to describe how awful this movie is… NES3, for lack of a better term, sucks.  The storyline was as unimaginative and vapid as you could hope for… After the fart jokes and potty humor commenced, I just couldn’t take it any longer.  My advice is don’t wast your time and ruin your childhood memories with this piece of refuse.

Now I don’t count superhero movies or animated films because they’ve almost attained the status of having their own genre.  Outside of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, what do you have left to defend?  The Mummy films?  Van Helsing?  (Not fair – those are mostly Stephen Sommers‘ pieces of crap.)  Okay, then.  MirrorMask?  Eragon?  Beowulf?  Lady in the Water?!  Stardust and Coraline were even kind of meh.

(SIDENOTE: I will give props to The Last Mimzy, The Bridge to Terebithia, and Big Fish for tugging my heart strings, 300 for being new, and the first Pirates of the Caribbean for the laughs. Am I missing any others?)

Ultimately, have fantasy films declined from being the shit to just shitty, or am I just getting old?  I guess the proof will be in the pudding (sorry for the oldtimer-y expression) when the following films get remade or updated:

(FINAL SIDENOTE: I really, really, really, seriously hope that M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t fuck up The Last Airbender.  I looooove that cartoon.  That ended it’s run.  On Nickelodeon.  Just last year.  Stop looking at me that way!  I don’t have that serious of a mental/social disorder!  Use this blog as proof!)

Worth 1002 Words… Enterprising Dog Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

startrekdog

Cardboarder Collie

Some alternauts(Get it? It’s like astro– ah, forget it…):

  • Star Fetch
  • Bud Lightspeed
  • Where’s Bones?
  • Captain Jerk
  • Laika Notsomuch

In My Brain While Sleeping… Dating Advice From Brody Jenner

Posted on by sgottahurt

Real Caption: “Don’t tase me, Bro… dy!”  I imagine he said, whilst getting tased.

Another Caption: I am to electric bolts what Perez Hilton is to penis drawings.

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

For whatever reason, prior to his reappearance in the news, I had a dream that was hanging out with Brody Jenner (do I credit him as the son of Bruce Jenner, the step-brother of Kim Kardashian, or a cast member of The Hills?), but not in a Bromance sort of way, though. 

As a self-described ladies’ man (I have no proof he claims this, but I have no doubt he claims this), he was acting as my dating guru.  His advice:

Repeat what you do every hour.

Apparently, when you take a girl on a date, just perform a variation of your actions every hour.  It was like a Philip K. Dick theory about time loops sort of thing.  Believe me, the suggestion made sense in the dream, and it still carries a resonance in my noggin that’s difficult to convey.

Maybe it’s like true knowledge, in the sense that it must be learned and not taught.

Or maybe Brody Jenner can visit you in your dreams, in whatever capacity you prefer…

INGREDIENTS: Leftover Parmesan garlic boneless Buffalo Wild Wings.  Yum.

JusWondering… Do I Have A Heart? Surprisingly, Yes

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was at my mom’s house today for some free grub, and she was was watching a rerun of Oprah.  It was a compilation of old segments that wowed and moved her (Oprah, not my ma, as far as I know), and I was regarding it without being wowed and/or moved.  Sure, Criss Angel and David Blaine can be interesting, and Terry Fator and Paul Potts’ stories are inspiring, but otherwise, meh…

Then Faith appeared (this is not the actual show footage, but you’ll get the gist of it):

Instant tears.  Let me say this: there is no amount of free food that makes my sudden outpouring of emotion worth it.  Almost no amount of food (a pepperoni pizza with Cajun crust and double cheese is a good start).

(SIDENOTE: In regard to Opie & Anthony, the third segment of the above video – I didn’t know assholes could walk on two legs.)

On the lighter side of doggy’s overcoming obstacles:

Musical Musings… Monkees Blog Monkees Do

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Hey, Hey..." is for horses...

"Hey, Hey..." is for horses...

This edition of Musical Musings is the beginning of something beautiful.  No, they’re not going to all be about The (phenomenal) Monkees (you/I wish).  Moving forward, I’m hoping and planning that they will be more coherent and thought-provoking than they’ve been, and much less pot-headed sounding (not that I was ever high when I wrote them… it’s simply reminiscent of my babble state, possibly brought on by my love of music and vast amounts of sugar-laced products).

AnyTheWho, here are some factoids (robotic-sounding facts that are in no way robotic) I just learned about The Monkees:

  • Glam rocker David Bowie was born David Robert Hayward-Jones and originally performed under the name Davy Jones.  Due to the rising popularity of the lead singer of this post’s headliner, he took the same last name as the Alamo hero, Jim Bowie, and his knife, which ironically shared the same name.
  • Michael Nesmith’s mother, Bette Nesmith Graham, invented Liquid Paper.  She originally called it Mistake Out; we mistakenly call it, White Out (which by the way looks like a horrible movie).
  • JazzSinger/songwriter Neil Diamond wrote four songs for them: “I’m a Believer,” “A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You,” “Lookout, Here Comes Tomorrow,” and “Love to Love,” and not “Last Train to Clarksville” or “Daydream Believer” as previously thought (by me).
  • None of these factoids have anything to do with The Monkees specifically…

(thank you Helle1981, Veness, and WendyLAnderson!)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Algebra(s) And Calculus(t)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Not to brag, but I was quite the whipper-snapper at math in high school.  In the honors program, A’s were the norm (there was one errant B in the third quarter of trigonometry), and I found out after graduation that my peers had a bet going if the valedictorian or I would score higher on the advanced placement test (more of them picked me than her… I earned a 5 out of 5, and I assume she did, too… but still… me > her).

Boasting does not become me, and since I’ve painted myself Just Sh–ty after claiming I was The Sh–, it’s time for me to deflect, quick!

So, yeah, math.  It used to be pretty cool to “know” and “understand” how to solve problems without calculators, to me at least.  It’s like history in that way – if you don’t learn from it, you’re doomed to repeat it.  Well, maybe not, but my point is this:

Kids today have it easy. 

Too easy?  I wouldn’t go that far.  In reality, does anyone really need to know how to _____ without computers?  In reality, kids today need to know more about the birds and the bees, than tangents and cosines, or in other words, more about f—ing than functions.

Over the past year, there has not been 1, nor 2, nor 3, nor 4, nor 5, but at least 6 (!) math (!) teachers that have been found guilty of becoming involved with their students.  That doesn’t add up.  (Sorry, had to.)

(Keep in mind the St. in front of each prof’s name represents Sex teacher, not Saint.  Did you buy it?)

BONUS!

Worth 1002 Words… Seinfeld Art Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

seinfeld-in-one-image

About Nothing

Some alternates:

(via BuzzFeed)

Click here for the chart of all the items in the image.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Disney Channel Meets MGM Gambling

Posted on by sgottahurt

I knew that someday the decision (or should I say gamble?) to build this park…

disneymgm

For the longest time, I misread it as "Miggum."

…would one day lead to a synergistic nightmare like this…

suitelife

Gold plaque! Wood grain! It's like they're twins! Fraternal, of course...

Disney’s television productions might not be the most soul-enriching shows in the world, but I never thought I’d see the day that the MGM Grand Casino in Detroit would use such a similar logo to promote a gambling contest.  I mean, kids that still watch The Suite Life of Zack and Cody shouldn’t be cross-marketed to in this fashion.  They are nowhere near old enough to be spending that kind of dough in an adult establishment on their allowances.  I’m not saying I’m against kids partaking in poker, roulette, or craps, but– wait, huh?

They did what?  Disney and MGM are no longer partnered together at the park, and they’ve got a new name?

disneyhollywood

I preferred Phil Collins' idea of redubbing it "Disney's Stu-Stu-Studio."

So, yeah… never mind this InASense, Lost.  Let’s chalk it up to a Coinkydink (coincidence) or a Coinkydonk (on purpose), because sometimes you never know what kind of gambles executives are willing to make.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Life And Times Of Admiral Ackbar

Posted on by sgottahurt

"I'm your host, Admiral Ollie Ackbar, and this is my sidekick, Ed McMonCalamari."

"I'm your host, Admiral Ollie Ackbar, and this is my sidekick, Ed McMonCalamari."

This was one messed up dream, and it requires a bit of back story.  I don’t know if the back story occurred in the dream, or if my subconscious naturally knew it, but here we go:

Apropos of nothing, including Star Wars, Leno, Letterman, Conan, Kimmel, and Fallon, everyone’s favorite token Mon Calamarian, Admiral Ackbar, hosted the highest-rated late night show in America (think Krusty the Clown).  He was on top of the world, until one night when a prank went bad.

Apparently, a woman was invited on stage for a skit that involved ham, bacon, and other various pork products, such as, um, pork.  She was eight months pregnant, and against the producers wishes, Ackbar went ahead with the bit.  Something about the segment startled her and caused her water to break.  Live.  On national TV.

This lead to him getting banned from everything and everywhere, and he eventually went into the witness protection program when threats on his life seemed credible.  Now back to the present day… dream.

While living under his new identity, he eventually started butting heads with his handlers.  Unable to blend in, he put on an elaborate show which exposed his location.  Soon enough, the credible threat found him.  It ended up being a mechanical pig that looked a bit like this:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The roboswine wasn’t the only surprise… 

All along, the reason the government thought Ackbar’s life was in danger was incorrect.  They believed it was because the public was outraged that he caused his audience member to go into early labor.  The real reason?  The pigdroid was upset about the wasted pork products, bitter of the fact that he no longer consisted of pork products.

And the meatless metal meanie never intended to kill Ackbar – he only wanted an apology.  The consummate host obliged and soon was back on top of the world.

INGREDIENTS: A late night helping of regular Oreo’s and a glass of chocolate milk.