TV

Awful Battle… Inappropriateness, Now With Kids!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Today’s competitors aren’t exactly on level ground.  One’s a movie trailer (wait for the fart), one’s a movie scene (watch the whole thing), and one’s a re-edited masterpiece that borders on annoying until the money shot payoff (skip to the end if you can’t wait).  The latter is by my heroes over at Everything is Terrible; the formers are all real.

(BONUS!  A re-edit of Gooby as a horror film.)

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

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more about “Everything Is Terrible!: kids“, posted with vodpod

JusWondering… Unexplainable Crushes

Posted on by sgottahurt

CRUSH #1
judgemilian

Exhibit "Ay... how you doin'?"

Don’t judge me on this short list of unexplainable crushes… unless you’re Judge Marilyn Milian, of course.  As the host of People’s Court, Judge Milian hands out her decisions with a sexy rasp (and huge gold hoop earrings) every weekday, and I get weak in the knees.  Whenever I catch her show, I can’t catch my breath.  It’s not uncommon for me to wonder what she’s wearing under that robe… (I’m thinking, three-piece pantsuit… you?)

CRUSH #2

meghanmccain

McCain is McAble (I don't know what that's meant to imply... I'm still in pun mode)

As it was with the political-minded girls in high school (and especially college), Meghan McCain is no exception to the “she’s cute but kinda annoying” rule.  Whether on Fox News or the Colbert Report, unless you’re really interested in her viewpoints, I have a crush on her more because she’s so passionate about “things” that I guess are kinda important, than because of what her stances are on said “things.”  Sexist?  Probably.  But unless Meghan’s telling me why (or a comely coed, for that matter), I’m not listening.  Well, I’m not listening either way, at least for some, I’d pretend.

CRUSH #3

As for my crush on Kseniya Simonova… I still don’t know much about her other than this video.  Perhaps the performance is explanation enough:

CRUSH #4

Erin+Esurance

Pink hair is so 2000-late, but Erin still works it well.

I have no excuse for my crush on Erin Esurance, but be warned: do not Google Image her with SafeSearch off.

Happy Find… A Guide To Getting Yourself Beat Up Trying To Be Cool

Posted on by sgottahurt

I want to kick everyone’s ass involved in the making of this video.  Fucking seriously.  Watch it and tell me you don’t feel the rage:

The above clip (which should have been called How To Be A Spaz!) exists courtesy of a site I’m looking forward to exploring further called Video Home System, and that’s the true Happy Find.  (Must remember to watch Show Off! anytime I need to get pumped up for a game of murderball, or actual murder… breathe… breathe…)

They share the similarly lofty goal that Everything is Terrible and Videogum, um, share:

To shed light on the unbearable world of previously produced crap, let it dry out in the sun, and hopefully grow some hallucinogenic mushrooms for consumption by all. 

(Truer words have never been spoken… by me.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Toy Commercials

Posted on by sgottahurt

From shitty to shittier indeed...

From shitty to shittier indeed...

Let’s face facts… kids are dumb.  I don’t mean the concept of them (entirely), but they’re suckers.  Hell, we were just as gullible in our youth.

But back in the day, marketing firms fostered (word choice!) our imagination when they sold to us, and look at the consumers we’ve become today.

Here’s a commercial for an 80’s toy probably no one remembers called Army Ants.  The promo was eventually pulled from the airwaves due to the fact the toys moved by themselves (and since kids are dumb they might think they’re alive… oh no!)  Remember, this took place before warnings were placed on coffee to remind people that coffee is fucking hot, so the idea of putting a notice on the bottom of the screen never crossed anyone’s mind.

Now here’s a commercial for the toyline based on the new G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie:

Where’s the fun in that commercial?  I smell no sense of adventure.  I envision no afternoon of making those vehicle crash into each other.  It’s all tell, and no show!  Sure, there’s hints of scenes from the movie, but where’s the poking other bugs in the squishy and squashy guts, whether I have to make them do it or they do it to themselves (since they’re alive, you see).

To be fair, they are completelysort of different toylines, so I’ll draw upon an old G.I. Joe toy commercial for apples to Apple Paltrow Martin‘s sake:

Fucking Refrigerator Perry?!  Seriously, a Chicago Bear is on G.I. Joe, and he kicks major Cobra ass?!  And I can call him and get in on the action with only four certificates (and a 50 cent phone call plus $1 handling charge)?!

See the difference?

SIDENOTE: I recently won a chance for a free haircut at a salon that panders to men and, to be honest, that I don’t quite frankly trust, but I went anyway.  (It was free…)  Upon leaving and realizing it wasn’t a complete hack job, I tipped the stylist $2 and $1 in quarters.  It was all I had.  She made a face, and I left.  Haircuts are normally $16, so I don’t know if she expected $5 or more on a FREE haircut, but it did make me wonder… what can you buy for $3 nowadays?  Cigarettes?  No.  A beer at the bar?  No.  Two 20 oz. bottle of Mtn. Dew?  Sometimes.  Seeing that I could have got Refrigerator Perry for $1.50 really got me thinking…

InASense, Lost… Getting Drunk With The Tiny Toons

Posted on by sgottahurt

Where's the Sunny D and purple stuff?

Where's the Sunny D and purple stuff?

I just read an interesting fact idea this week.  I don’t recall it verbatim, but the gist was this:

If alcoholic products were invented today, they’d never make it through to market.

One might think this is interesting, poignant, and sobering (these might all be redundant, but I’m too lazy, sluggish, and apathetic to double-check), but I find it harrowing.  If it wasn’t invented oh-so-long ago by the monks, Jesus, the French, and Siberians, booze might have to be procured by illegal means.  And what would I do at the bar and sporting events were that the case?  More importantly, how would ugly people do the kamanawanaleia?

And as a bystander caught in the crossfire of a ripple in the time-space continuum that lead lead to alcohol’s disappearance, this Tiny Toons cartoon would have never existed:

This bit came from an episode entitled Elephant Issues, and as far as I’ve looked into it, it’s only aired once in this country (September 18, 1991).

A few problems I found with the segment:

  • When I had my first sip of beer, I got “the shakes” which was not depicted well by the characters.  Nowadays, I call that shaking “getting my groove on.”
  • After one sip, they all start belching to a tune.  I don’t know about the ladies out there, but to myself and most men, belching in key is a big selling point for beer.
  • The references to bars and money and martini glasses feels incomplete.  Where are the silhouettes of strippers?  Amiright?
  • If that bottle was a forty, I’d believe it could last that long and trash a couple of kids animals Tiny Toons.  But I’ve seen them get shot in the face, fall off cliffs, and get blown up by dynamite.  One 12 oz. bottle… not buying it.
  • And about that solo 12 oz. bottle being the only thing in the fridge at the beginning… that looked a lot like my fridge!
  • The entire thing is in insulting to hobos and drunks everywhere.
  • And man, was that animation kinda crappy, or what?

I think Buster, Hampton, and Plucky need the Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue!

Hibbidy-Wah?! The Worst Song You May Ever Hear

Posted on by sgottahurt

Play him off, cat piano!

Play him off, cat piano!

By now it’s safe to say that almost everyone has heard about keyboard cat (or should it be Keyboard Cat, like a proper name).  Within a few more days, it will be equally safe to assume that everyone will have heard of the above contraption called the katzenklavier, or in English, the cat piano.  Okay, maybe that meme won’t hit as big, but it doesn’t make its concept any less shocking.

Basically, the way it works was this:

Cats (or picture kittens to make it more horrific) are arranged according to the tone of their meow (or in this case, whine… not to be confused with “case of wine” which of course would go well cheese, and mice like cheese… um, what was I talking about?)  Then their tails are stretched out and fastened underneath each of the device’s keys, and under each key – a nail.  I think you can figure the rest out.

Don’t worry.  They’re barely in existence anymore.  Only singers like Miley Cyrus and groups like the Jonas Brothers still make use of them.

And speaking of brothers, it’s about time to get to the Worst Song You May Ever Hear!  (Not to be confused with Worst Band Ever!)  Performed by the Wilburn Brothers (and oh, will they) in 1959, Knoxville Girl isn’t just bad… it’s wrong.

(via Heartless Doll)

Drunken Recollection… Shopping At Target As A Morality Play

Posted on by sgottahurt

Seven seasons of septegenerian heaven

Seven seasons of septuagenarian heaven

If there’s anything I’ve learned in this life, it’s two things:

1) Don’t shop while hungry tipsy.

The second one I’ll share at the end.

Basically, I met up with some friends for a couple of drinks after work and opted to stop at Target because I needed a few things.  Those few things needed:

  • Laundry detergent
  • Vitamins and fish oil pills
  • Air conditioner air filters
  • Um… Charmin
  • And some food

On the way into the store, I noticed someone had left their headlights on.  I memorized the license plate and approached the cart guy outside the store.  He told me to head to the customer guest service desk, where this happened:

Me: Excuse me, but someone left their headlights on in the parking lot.
Worker: They’ll probably just turn off themselves.
Me: I don’t think so.  It’s an old green Escort parked in a handicapped spot.
Worker: I’ll get to it when the line is clear.
(I wandered off to look at the sales ad in case the worker wanted more information.)
Random lady (leaving): You were very nice for doing that.
Me: Well thank you.

Me Just Grim...

Me Just Grim...

Feeling victorious and uplifted, I made my way to the toy section first.  No real reason why, other than force of (forcive?) habit… of collecting.  Being in between a series of collectibles to search for, I’ve often eyed the animated Transformers toy line, and upon finally hearing the worker announce the Escort parked in a handicapped spot with its headlights on, I picked up a mini-Grimlock.  No essentials yet.  Just a small child’s toy.

I rounded the corner into the Lego aisle and what did I see?  Brand new Indiana Jones playsets.  Say what you will (and I have) about the last movie, the playsets from Raiders, Temple of Doom, and Last Crusade are pretty sweet, and in my hands in an instant (Ambush in Cairo almost made the cut).

Deflated and defeated, I put back everything but Grimlock and walked over to the electronics section.  Guess what I discovered there?

Every season of Golden Girls for $9 each!

I had a similar impulse a few weeks ago when the first four seasons of Saturday Night Live was on sale for $20 each, but this one I’d follow through.  Several weekends in September are about to be booked up.  Mjusayn.

I eventually gathered up my remaining essentials, plus a ton of food.  (Yay! Hard salami‘s back at Target!  For now…)  I put the bottle of Gain laundry detergent and a bottle of Liquid Plumr (‘cuz you never know) on the bottom of the cart, and a thought crossed my mind:

I wonder if someone will check the bottom of the cart…

At the checkout counter, the clerk brought something to everyone’s attention:

Somebody really must like Golden Girls.

I emptied the basket and pushed it forward to refill it with bagged items.  I noticed I had slipped the Gain and Liquid Plumr past the clerk.  I looked back into the eyes of the people that laughed at my must really liking Golden Girls, and a voice echoed in my head:

You were very nice for doing that.

I removed the two jugs from off the lower tray.  “I almost forgot something.”

After paying, I headed to my vehicle, past where an Escort with a dead battery could have been.  As I filled my trunk with purchases, the cart attendant approached to help.  I said thanks, and he nodded as he took the cart to add it to the returning basket train.

Finis.

Oh yeah, and the other thing I learned:

2) Don’t assume your friends ordered whatever beer was
on special, because it just might be regularly priced.

JusWondering… Reason Why Everything Sucks Found?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was kind of a fan of The Drew Carey Show and sort of a fan of Craig Ferguson as his boss, but I’ve never been too into The Late Late Show.  Perhaps I should reconsider…

Alas, truer sentiments have never been shared, besides this of course:

I pray that's the end of a mullet.

I pray that's the end of a mullet.

In My Brain While Sleeping… You’re Looking At The Creator Of “Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante”

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve been on a bit of a drought in regard to dreams lately.  I’ve had a few false starts, such as:

  • A dream about a movie starring The Two Coreys (Haim and Feldman, back in the day in their prime) and they were trying to get their parents to marry each other à la the Parent Trap.
  • A dream where I went on a Muppet hunting safari but didn’t know it.
  • A dream where I realized how funny it is to put “The” in front of various subjects, like The Fonz, The Hamburger, The State, and The Sex.

But last night, I had a vision about a vision like no other… I had inadvertently developed a new art form dubbed:

Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante

Okay, I’ll admit that I don’t know Spanish, and I don’t exactly remember the hack job that went on in my subconscious (although it was kinda close to the above Babel Fish translation), but for you gringos it means:

Shiny Mexican Optical Illusion

Turned out I wasn’t the one that originated the name.  There once was a Mexican artist/philosopher that initially proposed the possibility of what I accomplished.  His theory:

Two images can be created on top of each other.  One will be visible in reflective light, and one will be visible in non-reflective light. – a Mexican artist/philosopher

So in some alcoholic stupor reeking of brilliance, I drew a picture that looked like this in “reflective light” (whatever that means):

yellowcar

And in “non-reflective light” (again, whatever that means), the artwork looked like this:

3dmap

I drew it as a doodle.  A throw away scribble on crinkled scrap paper.  But someone – the right someone – saw it, and heralded me as a mathematical genius for pulling off the Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante manually. 

In fact, it was a forgotten art theory, and I was thrust into the limelight, not unlike Andy Warhol.  My fifteen minutes were beginning after my scribble was purchased  for $500,000 by an unknown collector.  Duplicates of my work were sold in bulk at mall stores built just for my Shiny Mexican Optical Illusion.  The hype was similar to the interest over those pictures you stared at to see sunken treasure ships and sharks.

But I couldn’t live up to the expectations and failed to duplicate my success.  14:58, 14:59, 15:00 minutes hit, and I woke up.

Here’s the thing… I feel I could duplicate the Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante  in real life.  I only need to figure out to create “non-reflective light.”

INGREDIENTS: Two cold pieces of pizza and a couple pitchers of Blue Moon.

Musical Musings… How Could I Have Mixed These Bands Up?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s funny that I was confusing this band

hedley

called Hedley with this band

deadsy

called Deadsy when I heard this song by Hedley (seriously fuck Universal Music Group and their disabled embedding!) and confused it with the stylings of this song by Deadsy:

At least I didn’t confuse either band with this group

faith1

or these odd orange guys (if you only watch one video on this page, make it this one):

INTERESTING FACTS

  • Deadsy’s lead singer, P. Exeter Blue I, is Cher’s son, Elijah Blue Allman. 
  • Hedley’s lead singer, Jacob Hoggard, placed third on Canadian Idol.
  • Faith+1’s debut album sold one million copies and “went myrrh.”
  • Deadsy’s album Commencement is still the only CD that I bought and gave away.  Prong’s Cleansing is the only cassette tape to share that honor.
  • Hedley, British Columbia was once for sale at a price tag of $346,000.  Not sure if that’s in US or Canadian dollars, but the band was named for the city.
  • b4-4 is also from Canada, and they have to be like totally gay, eh?  When the trio broke up, two stayed together and formed the band, RyanDan.  It’s named after themselves, for Faith+1’s sake!  (Okay, I guess they’re twins, but still…)