Sports

Drunken Recollection… Take Me Out Of This Ballgame

Posted on by sgottahurt

Want to know how to fuck with drunk people at a baseball game?

Here’s three things that worked the crowd into a frenzy during my last regular season attendance at a Detroit Tigers’ game, which in turn, sort of drove me crazy:

1) Send Out Your Mascot

Stripes are solid.

I couldn’t believe how many people were tripping over themselves to get a picture with Paws, the Tigers mascot.  And whoever was in that suit was so nice!  No request was denied.  It probably helped that it wasn’t too hot out…

2) Make It Rain Money

It's raining men!

Some smart-ass seated above our section thought it was a great idea to throw $1 bills down every once in a while.  And it was.  People went ape-shit crazy for just a dollar.  But then again, that’s an easy McDouble after the game…

(SIDENOTE: So it wasn’t as much raining money, as it was feeling drops.)

3) Have Robocop Sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”

Okay, so it was the guy that played Robocop...

I’ve been waiting to write this post in the hopes that a video of Peter Weller singing during the seventh-inning stretch might pop up, but alas, it has not.  So here’s this instead:

 

In Defense Of… The NBA Staying On Strike

Posted on by sgottahurt

I might be writing this completely prematurely, but I hope the NBA never comes back… this year.  And I’ll tell you why.

  • REASON 1 – THESE THREE PRICKS

Crybaby 1- Crybaby 2 - Crybaby Who?

When LeBron James and Chris Bosh met secretly with Dwyane Wade to discuss plans to join the Miami Heat, they essentially spit in the face of basketball.  And they didn’t even win the championship!  The tarnish they left on the game is comparable to the corked bat and steroid scandals in Major League Baseball – it changed everything, and definitely not for the better.  (Well, in the case of baseball, the game is improving with those cheats removed.  That’s why there have been more no-hitters the last few years.)

Now couple their brazen attitude with them pushing for a shortened season.  They think they can win if it doesn’t take as long to get to the finals, but doesn’t that mean there would always be an asterisk next the their victory?  The thing is – they don’t care.  And therefore, neither do I NBA…

  • REASON 2 – OUTGROWING THE GAME

Son to mother: "Look Ma, I'm slam dunking!" Mother to son: "You should be able to do that, dear."

As humans, we’re all getting bigger, and not just in the positive ways.  Whereas basketball courts and rims have stayed the same size.  In no other sport do I see this as of much as an issue, except perhaps one day in hockey.  Does this mean the sport should never come back?  No.  But while they’re on strike, I think they should take a look at this.

  • REASON 3 – THE TRUE REASON

Okay, this is pretty cool.

(image via)

No offense to the Detroit Pistons, but the last time all three Detroit teams won championships in the same year was 1935 – when the Pistons weren’t around!  (For the record, we’re the only city to do that.)

The Lions won the NFL Championship (no Super Bowl until 1967); The Tigers won the World Series; and the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup!

Other cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Pittsburgh (!) and Baltimore (!!) have had multiple championships in one year.  We deserve another one.

SIDENOTE: I don’t count the Drive and the Shock match-ups with the Pistons and the Red Wings disrespectively.  And in 1952, the Lions and Wings won, but the Pistons were around by then.  I want all three!  (Check out the list here.)

JusWondering… Why Is There Still No Film About Moe Norman?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t read as much as I should, and I don’t follow as many sports now as I may one day in my life.  But the convergence of those two facts lands as straight as one of his shots on Moe Norman:

That's Moe, mo' or less...

He’s a Canadian golfer that has a couple of books written about him, but the Wayne Gretzky-produced movie based on his life has yet to see the light.

Check out this video about him:

It’s supposed to be titled Dance the Green, but I have some other suggestions:

  • “Pipeline” (that’s his nickname, so it’s an obvious one)
  • “Teed Off” (sounds like too much of a comedy, although the film would likely be comical)
  • “UnderMoe” (underdog pun meets undertow rhyme)
  • “Golden Tee” (people might think it’s based on the video game, ergo, go and see it)

My best suggestion would have to be this one:

  • “Who is Moe Norman?”

Worth 1002 Words… Lions & Tigers &…

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Oh my.

Drunken Recollection… The Big Potato

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It was a strange day…

To begin, it was a Wednesday, and I was supposed to work.  How this differs from any other day, I’m not sure.

On Tuesday, my boss/friend Paul mentioned that our TripleDoubleU provider invited us to the Detroit Tigers’ afternoon game against the Kansas City Royals, but I’d have to go pick them up from our contact’s office.  When I arrived within the allotted fifteen minute window he gave for me to collect them, the guy that answered the door never heard of my contact.  Turns out, there were two different departments, and our contact was running late.  Once I met with him, his boss didn’t leave him enough tickets.

So on Wednesday, I’m supposed to meet someone outside of– good gravy this is boring.  Let me jump to the chase chance.

For some reason, I was compelled to take this picture at the end of the game while closer Jose Valverde was pitching:

We were seated near the bullpen and foul pole in left field.

Chris (my friend and coworker) asked why I took the picture, and I told him I didn’t know.

That night, I wasn’t going to play trivia, but another friend begged me so I went.  In the midst of the quizfest, it was announced Jose Valverde would be arriving at the bar soon for autographs.  I thought:

Too bad I didn’t have anything for him to sign.

Then I remembered that I kept my game ticket, which I usually throw out after the game unless I’m going to a strip club.  They were replaying the game at the same time as he arrived (this outing happened to be his 40th consecutive save without a loss… he’s currently at 41).  So this is what followed:

(P.S. We also won $30 at trivia…)

In My Brain While Sleeping… A New Sport

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ll admit – I’ve had some stinkers of ideas in my sleep, and I’ve had some brilliant money makers.

This dream idea might fall somewhere in the middle.

Basically, the premise of this new sport was this:

Soccer meets parkour

The game would be played in public areas – the more crowded the better.  And the goals would be random things, like knock over this, or break that.

Here’s an example I’ve created that takes place at a comic book convention:

(Not Too Shabby) Artistic Representation

Oh yeah… I forgot to mention the name of the game:

OBSTICCER

(or OBSTOOTBALL in every other country)

Worth 1002 Words… Are You Ready For Some Football Edition

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Game On

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Awful Battle… Douchey Wool-Pullers

Posted on by sgottahurt

I would like to bring up a new branch of douchebags, as the post title suggests.  This group can be used as a warning signal, something we look to in order to insure it never happens again.  These are the douchebags that pulled the wool over our eyes, and tricked us into thinking they were as cool as they thought they were.

So here lies the ultimate Awful Battle… of the Douchey Wool-Pullers:

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Dane Cook

Done Cooked, more like it.

I would say Cook seemed to explode on the comedy scene, but he would only spin it into some jizz joke.  Who knows how long he worked on his material?  (That doesn’t sound right either.)  Who knows why he caught on so fast?  I’ll even admit to enjoying him at the get go, and with an upcoming movie career, I believe I even hailed him as the next Steve Martin (compliment or not).  But when all the shit came out about his liberal borrowing of other comics’ bits, bits of me died for thinking Dane Cook was once cool, when really, he was a douchebag.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Scott Stapp of Creed

Scott Stop, more like it.

Really, this one is more our collective fault than anything else.  Though his level of douchebaggery may be high, his level of trickery/wool-pulling is not so.  We caught him early, mostly because he claimed to be Christian rock and wore leather pants and left his wife after having a kid and had that alleged sex tape with Kid Rock (and girl groupies) and need I go on?  I really did like Higher, My Own Prison, and With Arms Wide Open, though… what’s wrong with me?

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Fred Durst

Fred Duh, more like it.

Like Stapp and Cook, he appeared out of thin air that was apparently quite chilly, since he often appeared in his puffy jacket and backwards hat.  He was quite popular from the word nookie, and was in the pop music backlash crowd that included Eminem and the Wu Tang Clan.  But soon after, his song Break Stuff became like his anthem, and he was pissing people off at Woodstock ’99 (allegedly instigating the riot which lead to some rapes), Eminem and D12, Slipknot, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears.  I also remember hearing that Durst got pissy because Aaron Lewis of Staind never thanked him for putting them on the map.  Oh yeah… he had a sex tape, too.  Gross.  It’s a shame I picked his remake of George Michael’s Faith as the greatest rock remake of an 80’s song.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Kanye West

Kanye Messed, more like it.

I still maintain that West’s The College Dropout album is one of the best I’ve ever listened to, but we all know how fool full of  himself he is.  And how much he loves his Louis Vuittons and all other fashion whatevers… gah!  That stuff bores me.  Rap about important things (Jesus Walks, All Falls Down)!  Or even fun things (Slow Jamz)!  Not designer clothes!

DOUCHEY PULL-OVER RATING

M. Night Shyamalan

M. Not (!) Shyamalan, more like it.

How can someone make two incredibly cool films (The Sixth Sense and yes, Unbreakable), and not only get to keep making more films, but worse and worse films!  And then… AND THEN!  He has the audacity to say we, the audience, just don’t get it!  It takes something to rank pretty high on my Scale of Fury.  He’s at Rage Level 8 (out of 10).

_________________________________________________________________________

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

  • LeBron James and George Lucas

Though they may not be as cool as we once thought, they have not gone full douchebag.  They’ve come close, though.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS:

  • Michael Bay and Brett Ratner

They never pulled any wool over anyone’s eyes.

In Defense Of… LeBron James

Posted on by sgottahurt

Talk about a double-take.

Millions of Americans are probably more than ecstatic to join in the schadenfreude that is the defeat of LeBron James and his Miami Heat at the hands of the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals, so I’m taking on my biggest challenge yet.  I am going to be In Defense Of one of the most indefensible players in all professional sports.  So where to begin?

The Beginning

  • LeBron James was born in Ohio and he played for a team from Ohio.  So that’s something.

Even though he was drafted?

  • Um… from 2006 to 2010, he lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to the appearances in the playoffs.  In 2007, he took them all the way to the The Finals, the team’s only appearance.  That’s pretty good.

Wasn’t that the season that one ref got busted for fixing games?

The Betrayal

When “The Decision” was made to switch teams before this past season, James took a lot of heat for the way he went about it.  He has since apologized for that course of action, and even though some may have viewed it as coming a bit too late, he still did it.  Remember, he didn’t have to do it at all.

When the Heat fell to the Mavericks in only six games, James took a lot of slack for this comment:

All the people that were rooting for me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. They can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal, but they have to get back to the real world at some point.

Taken out of context, it can come off as pretentious and douche-y, but he even had to clarify this.  And he didn’t have to:

Basically, I was saying, at the end of the day, this season is over and with all the hatred not only myself, everyone else has to move on with their lives as well. They have to move on with their lives and their day-to-day, good or bad, and I do, too. At the end of the day, I’ve got to move on with my life. So it wasn’t saying that I’m superior or better than anyone else, any man or woman on this planet. I’m not.

Let’s think about his decision in real world terms:

  • He was 25 years old
  • He was presented a chance to play with a team that has won a championship
  • That team is managed by Pat Riley who has 6 championships under his belt (one as player, five as coach)
  • Florida vs. Ohio
  • Miami vs. Cleveland

The Final Breakdown

I could go into a dovetail of defenses, stating at least he hasn’t been caught sexting, he hasn’t been accused of rape, he hasn’t been involved in any dogfighting rings, or he hasn’t shot himself in the leg, but I won’t.

Everybody’s mad at him because he’s a Midwestern kid that turned his back on the Midwest and made a big deal about it.  He got cocky.  That’s really the root of it all in a nutshell.

I heard one reporter state that when James first returned to face the Cavaliers in his new uniform, the fans could have affected his game much more by giving a standing ovation – not booing.  He would have regretted his choice, potentially, rather than feed his drive to prove every one of his old fans wrong.

The Slamdunk

After all of this, you may agree or disagree, but I have one last line of defense.  Of all the athletes that have taken a crack at acting (O.J. Simpson, Shaquille O’Neal, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Michael Jordan, Brett Favre, Dan Marino), I feel LeBron James (all the LeBrons) may be the best:

It’s too bad his first film has been postponed, a comedy entitled Ballers.  They claim to still be developing the script, but perhaps their reconsidering just the title…

Bawlers

(There’s more Nike commercials featuring The LeBrons after the jumpshot…)

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Worth 1002 Words… You’ve Probably Already Seen This So Here It Is Just In Case Edition (Plus Bonus Backup!)

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Body-of-Christ Slam!

I know that the above image has been going around and around after the passing of “Macho Man” Randy Savage and the passing of the “rapture”… but I still couldn’t resist.  If you’re offended, perhaps this will be more to your liking:

Casual Priest

(via)