The 2nd Annual Academy Awards Cage Match

This is the second cage match, you might ask?  (You shouldn’t be surprised about the annual aspect.)  Well, this is follow-up post – the first one never was published on this site (I forget where it was published).

Anyacademy, this is how this how thing goes…

Forget talent.  Forget skill.  For the 84th Academy Awards, the winners will be determined by who comes out of the Oscar Octagon alive.  At least, that’s how the winners are determined on this site.  I was of going to make pictures for all of the Acting! categories, but I realized, I didn’t really care about the Best Supporting nominees enough.  But you’ll still get to hear the winners!

Best Actress in a Supporting Role Winner

The five nominees in this category are from four movies.  How will this turn out?

Standing in five of the eight corners, the ladies size each other up.  Janet McTeer of Albert Nobbs is the obvious first target, because who the hell is she?  Bérénice Bejo of The Artist climbs the cage wall to flee because she’s (don’t say it) black and white.  Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer were both in The Help, and without a saying a word, they stand beside each other.  They brush past the meekish McTeer to take on the tough-as-acrylic-nails Melissa McCarthy together.  McCarthy, a student of the comedic pratfall, drops to the ground to avoid their blows, and with a few deft leg sweeps, takes down her attackers, leaving only McTeer who remains motionless.  Unwilling to battle without provocation, McCarthy turns away, raising her arms in victory.  Finally, McTeer unveils an umbrella, ready to strike.  Like a ninja, McCarthy sidesteps the swing, and with a quick jab, McTeer drops.

Melissa McCarthy wins!

Best Actor in a Supporting Role Winner

There’s only one youngster in this group.  Will he rise to the top?

Fresh from his role in Warrior, which is about cage fighting, Nick Nolte convinces Kenneth Branagh of My Week With Marilyn and Jonah Hill of Moneyball to let Christopher Plummer of Beginners and Max von Sydow of Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close be warriors first.  (He thinks that they’re brothers like in his movie because they’re both old… and he’s crazy.)  Perturbed over this notion, the pair turn on Nolte.  All three men tear off their shirts and thrown down, bare-knuckled and bare-chested.  Branagh and Hill stand back in awe, watching men be men beating men.  Hit after landed hit, sweat and blood and no tears, the fight lasts eight hours.  All three lean their heads on each others’ shoulders in a circle, holding one another up, occasionally giving and taking gut punches.  Bored with what’s transpired and perspired, Branagh rises from his seated position and he kicks the group over like the octagon was Sparta.  Hill hurries to retaliate in defense of the elder warriors, and in turn takes Branagh’s elbow to his jaw.  Hill slides across the floor.  Ever the Shakespearean dramatist, Branagh declares – “I directed motherfucking Thor!”

Kenneth Branagh wins!

Best Actress in a Leading Role Winner

Three of these characters were characters in real-life.  Are the fictional ones in for a reality check?

Michelle Williams plays Marilyn Monroe in My Week With Marilyn, Meryl Streep plays Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, and Glenn Close plays Albert Nobbs in some movie, and because their such Actors!, they remain in character throughout.  Inspired by their conviction, Rooney Mara decides to be her bad-ass self from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, but Viola Davis refuses to  reprise her maid role in The Help.  Her reason – “When this is through, I’m not the one who’s going to need… The Help.”  Apparently Mara only plays tough – she is the first to fall at the mighty fist of Streep.  Her response – “Iron beats dragon every time.”  Davis adroitly moves about the octagon, squaring up against Close dressed as a man.  “I would never hit a lady,” Close retorts.  “Luckily, you’re no lady.”  Unfortunately for Close, she’s only quick with her insults.  Davis easily ducks her swing, and she shifts Close into a shoulder lift.  In the voice of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi, Davis declares, “No Oscar for you!” as she throws Close to the ground.  Taking advantage of her distraction, Streep clothes-lines Davis.  Knocked down but not out, Davis returns to her feet.  The pair stares at each other, waiting for the others next move.  It should be mentioned that Williams has been giggling nervously in the corner throughout all this.  Davis finally lunges at Streep, and Streep knocks her out with one punch.  “Seventeen,” Streep says… at first.  Then – “I am Iron Lady!”  The Academy takes Williams incessant giggling as a sign of resignation.

Meryl Streep wins!

Best Actor in a Leading Role Winner

This group of gentlemen includes two best friends.  Will friend become foe?

Surprise, surprise.  The always chill George Clooney of The Descendants and Brad Pitt of Moneyball invite the group out for beers.  Everyone else declines, so they take off on their own, leaving Gary Oldman  of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Demián Bichir of A Better Life, and Jean Dujardin of The Artist a chance to fight for the Oscar themselves.  After another moment of consideration, Oldman bows out, saying, “This is bullocks.”  He catches up with Clooney and Pitt.  Fearing that he might appear like he’s some sort of Hollywood outsider, Bichir opts for boozing with the boys and resigns, leaving Dujardin behind, climbing the fence.  (Get it?  He was running away!  He doesn’t like to fight… because he’s (don’t say it) black and white!)

Jean Dujardin wins!

Drunken Recollection… Don’t Make A “Great One” Pun, Don’t Make A “Great Two” Pun

I’m a late entry fan to hockey and the NHL.  But having said that, I’ve been a fan since 1995.  Since then, I’ve been aware of Wayne Grezky and his status as The Great One, but I never witnessed any of the feats he performed to attain such an acknowledgement.

(SIDENOTE: Much to my chagrin, the same thing goes for Barry Sanders.  I’ve only started following the NFL since 2006…)

Anywayne, add to my disappointment that I didn’t know The Great One had a 22-year-old daughter that had a predilection to post provocative pictures of herself on Twitter.  And if G.I. Joe taught me anything, knowing is half the battle.  (However, it did not teach me not to drink before playing soccer.)

Here are some pictures of Paulina Gretzky in case you too were iced out (sadly, The Great one has since made her quit using Twitter… talk about a slap shot):

She did not borrow those glasses from any officials, I'm telling you...

Hat trick. I just had to make some caption.


(More pics here.)

So now I find myself in a similar quandary as I did when I had my crush on Chris Elliott’s daughter, Abby:

More like, Sunday Morning Live

And my upcoming crush on Mirror Mirror star, Lily Collins, daughter of Phil Collins (she plays Snow White in the re-imagining):

Sadly, her father does not play one of the Seven Dwarfs.

Imagine if  this dude was singing this song to any of the above dads:

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Diva Diets

Here’s a riddle:

Which came first?  The diva or the diet?

It’s pretty weird that Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, and Janet Jackson all happen to be in ads for Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and NutriSystem respectively.  I wonder which one inspired the remainder of the campaigns (Coinkydonk), or did they all happen to happen at the same time (Coinkydink)?

(SIDENOTE: It’s no Coinkydink that Mariah’s is the most annoying commercial of all time.)

BUT WAIT!  These musical divas aren’t the only ones chiming in.

You also have Charles Barkley (for Weight Watchers) and Terry Bradshaw (for NutriSystem):

The only riddle that remains:

When will this athlete do ads for Jenny Craig?

That's called a (calorie) burn, Tom Brady.

The Silver Lining… The Heart Hand Gesture

The HeartMark™ is trademarked?!


They’re always stupid.  Pet rocks, sequenced gloves, pogs… and now this.  The inescapable heart hand gesture.  It’s everywhere.


But would you believe some lady “claims” to have the trademark on it?

This lady looks like she makes many "claims"...

She even licenses it out allegedly (although it just looks like she just made a list of places she’s seen it used and retroactively authorized it).

(SIDENOTE: Did she donate the gesture to Show Your Hearts?  It could be a tax write-off.)

My hope is that it actually is trademarked, and that she’s making bank on its pervasiveness.

I mean, what she claims is not impossible.  She could figured it out during a round of This is the church and this is the steeple gone bad.  I haven’t seen it in use until recent years, and it seems like a simple gesture to devise.

But was she the one who told Taylor Swift about it?  Because Swift claims she invented it, and her fans claim that Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, et. al. stole it from her.

All that matters is did this woman really trademark what she calls The HeartMark™?  Because I have an idea of my own:

My trademark... Deez Nuts™.

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Precious Centerfielder

There dream exclusively featured Gabourey Sidibe, a.k.a. Precious (she will forever be tied to this role like Jon Heder is to Napoleon Dynamite).

She played on my softball team, and she brought some an amazing talent.  She had a fantastic bat that warranted unlimited homers over the fence.

Precious Fielder

Which worked out immensely well, seeing as how she had great difficulty running.  We tried her at first, and we tried her in right field.  But it just wasn’t working.

So then it occurred to us – deep, deep centerfield.  It worked like a dream.  She was a dream.  It was… a dream.

I think she's even wearing high heels. You go girl.

JusWondering… What Does 37 Mean To Me?

So like I JusWondered above:

What does 37 mean to me?

Perhaps an old Michelle Pfeiffer film?

It also starred Peter Gallagher.

Perhaps mutant Detroit Tigers’ pitcher Max Scherzer?

He's a better pitcher than a belly itcher.

Perhaps a rather blue scene from the black-and-white film Clerks?

Oh, wait.  I remember.  That’s how old I am now.

This is about right.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? A Doppelganger Double Banger!

Rob Dyrdek doesn’t seem like a bad guy.  He even seems to have plenty of unique ideas, as evidenced by his MTV show, Fantasy Factory.  But lately, I’m not so sure…

First, there was…

Wild Grinders and Super Mario

I know that Mario Mario (real name) doesn’t hold the patent on red and blue ensembles, but come on.  Dyrdek’s Nickelodeon cartoon based on his Wild Grinders toy line looks a lot like he who dons raccoon apparel to fly.

And then there was (or this might have been first)…

It's Ridiculousness how much Ridiculousness is like Tosh.0...

Let’s just remember, aside from skateboarding, Dyrdek got all his cash money from Rob & Big.

So is that a Coinkydink or Coinkydonk?

A Handful Of… Foods I Will Never Try

I’m not an adventurous sort when it involves my taste buds… which is a terrible way to put I don’t like a lot of different foods.  So this post won’t include anything “shocking” unless you consider #4 unsettling.

Here it is!  The short list you’ve been dying for!  A Handful Of Foods I Will Never Try!


The sexual innuendos are innumerable.

What’s wrong with a banana split?  Sure, I enjoy (most) flavors of ice cream and whip cream, and though I’m no fan of cherries, they can easily be removed.  What’s wrong with a banana split?  The banana!


I tried to find the most appetizing presentation to be fair. This won. And lost.

I’m no fan of seafood (nor mollusks), but I have tried:

  • shrimp (gross)
  • lobster (gross)
  • escargot (not bad, but once was enough)
  • sushi (not bad – could try again)

I draw the line at octopi.  You could say it’s a Red Wings thing.


Only thing worse: Jello'd Pig's Feet

This shouldn’t be on this list because it’s obvious, and could be tied into #4, but it’s made the list because IT’S BEEN OFFERED TO ME.  IN PERSON.  AT A FRIEND’S HOME.  (When we were kids, but still…)


See also: Survivor Chow

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or Joe Rogan) to deduce that I would not try anything people eat out of necessity in desolate countries and trick foreigners into eating by dubbing it a local delicacy.

(SIDENOTE: Welcome back, Fear Factor!  And Joe Rogan!)

5) McRib

The modern Halley's Comet.

Food items this has that I don’t like:

  • Barbecue sauce – check
  • Onion slices – check
  • Pickles slices – check
  • Rubbery, pressed meat product – check