Music

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Didn’t Know That Song Was About Strippers!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a post that I might have written back in 2006 is I had a blog.  Man, I’d be worth thousands if I had a blog back then…

I haven’t heard this song in quite a long time, and I knew so little about it, I always thought it was by Chicago.  I also considered it a love song about a special “one-in-a-million” girl since I heard it originally back in 1983.

The song in question – The Tubes’ She’s a Beauty:

But just like how my reality was shattered in high school when I realized two things that took me way too long to figure out:

  1. There’s no way gum can stick to your ribs if you swallow it!
  2. When Mommy was caught kissing Santa Claus, that was Daddy dressed as Santa Claus!

I just realized this song is about strippers!  Or at least a girl in a peep show.  Two key lyrics I didn’t catch until now:

She’s right here behind the glass/
And you’re gonna like her ’cause she’s got class.

She’ll give you every penny’s worth/
But it will cost you a dollar first.

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT THE VIDEO

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Kitchen Sink

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is one of those dreams that I shouldn’t share because, quite frankly, it made no sense.  So here we go!  (With pictures! (And videos!))

I was a writer on Saturday Night Live.

And I was proud about a skit I wrote in which adults were trying to pass each other holding on the top pole of a swing set.

But then they ended up having Krazy Glue hard hats on and stayed in place.

I ran into President Obama at a shopping mall and told him the skit’s premise. He did not find it funny.

Oh yeah… did I mention it was Lingerie Day? All over the mall, women were only wearing lingerie.

And how could I forget to tell you it was coincidentally also Free Ice Cream Day?

But to get free ice cream, you needed a ticket from a sponsor. Every sponsor I checked in with ran out.

I decided I was going to eat ice cream anyway since there was so much leftover. As I moved in, a friend that was working gave me permission to pig out.

That’s when I shared my theory on food portions:

When free food is provided, you should take a fair portion first.  Once everyone has gone through the line, you can take a second helping of a higher portion.  This does not apply to pizza.  More pizza can only be taken in the third round.

That’s about when I overheard a man tell his wife: “You told me not to think!”

My punchline: “She had to tell you not to do that?”

I’d like to think if he was still there, this was his response.

Then I awakened to this song playing on the radio:

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… Songs About The Number One

Posted on by sgottahurt

ALTERNATE TITLE: Just #2-y To The #2

Where do I began to express my love of the number one?

  1. It’s always first.
  2. It’s the least of anything you can have.
  3. It’s the exact amount of people I care about in this world.
  4. I am always looking out for it.

With that having been said, here’s how I rank various musicians takes on the number that goes best with the letter A:

  • JUST SHITTY – METALLICA’S ONE

Metallica sucks except for one song, and mostly because of Lars Ulrich’s battle against Napster.

  • BIG POO – FAT JOE’S ONE, FEATURING AKON

Fat Joe’s normally tolerable, but by involving scumbag Akon, this song drops like a deuce.

I should like more songs by U2, but there’s an air of pretension in their music.  Or is that just gas?

  • ROYAL TURD – ELTON JOHN’S THE ONE

This was released during Sir Elton John’s renaissance years (the 90’s), and since he’s a respected musician (except for those stupid Pepsi commercials with that chick who won X-Factor that no one knows), you knew he’d doo-doo well.

  • DISCO CACA – BEE GEE’S ONE

Another renaissance song from renowned musicians.  I’m doing my best to not use diarrhea in some pun.

  • #2 – NELLY’S #1

Nelly’s had a fair share of shits, but they’ve been hits and misses when it comes to me.  This one hits.

  • TIM AND ERIC’S I SIT DOWN WHEN I PEE

*bows*
(exits stage left)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Sometimes Titles Are Just The Same

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve never claimed to be hip.  But then again, I’ve never claimed to be elbow either.  (I should stop claiming to be funny.)

So when I recently discovered that rapper T.I. had a song called Rubber Band Man, somewhere deep in my core idiot actually hoped and thought it might be a remake (or let’s say, re-imagining) of The Spinners’ The Rubberband Man.

Needless to say, I was sorely mistaken:

You see, one’s a song that I’ve been told I loved as a baby (that’s about a fat kid); the other is about how a drug dealer uses rubber bands on his wrist to hold money.  How’s that for a remake/re-imagining?

Happy Find… Fun, Fun, Fun Conspiracy Theory Of The (Last) Year

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m very late to this, but since it was new to me and I found it enjoyable, I shall share it with you:

Sorry if it’s fuzzy… transcript below…

(via)

What the theory states:

The song [Rebecca Black’s Friday] is about the JFK assassination.  The name of the driver of the car he was assassinated in was Samuel Kicken (Kickin’ in the front seat, sittin’ in the back seat…)

The assassination occurred on a Friday, and when he was shot, the Secret Service yelled at Jackie Kennedy to “get down” (Gotta get down on Friday…)

Parts about the Cold War and the spread of Communism are referenced (Everybody’s rushin’ = Everybody’s Russian…)

And to top it all off, in the hotel that morning, JFK declined a breakfast of sausage, eggs, and toast for a bowl of Bran Flakes instead (Gotta have my bowl/ Gotta have cereal…)

Also, the following Monday, JFK was supposed to sign a bill into law requiring all public schools to provide bus transportation for their students (Gotta catch my bus…)

Now, I’d like to believe this is all true, but the very first item I cross-referenced (JFK’s driver was Sam Kinney, not Sam Kicken) came up as a negative, so rather than destroy the beauty of its lunacy, I’m gonna stop there.

A Handful Of… Carly Rae Jepsen Riffs

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you haven’t heard the song Call Me Maybe by Canadian Carly Rae Jepson, consider yourself lucky… or a recluse.

In case you haven’t, here’s a refresher (the video actually made me laugh if you’re willing to put up with the teen pop… apparently, I am):

What’s interesting to note is the amount of comments attributed to mocking her chorus:

Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me, maybe?

Here are A Handful Of Carly Rae Jepsen Riffs (borrowed liberally from comments on YouTube):

  1. Hey I just met you/ And this is awkward/ But here’s my number/ Cuz I’m your stalker
  2. Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ My name is Kony/ I stole your baby
  3. Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ I have Alzheimer’s/ Hey, I just met you
  4. Hey, I just pet you/ Dog you’re crazy/ You just bit me/ Now I have rabies!
  5. Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ I’m a pirate/ So call me matey

And here are some pretty good visual ones as well:

Musical Musings… Another Round Of “This”…

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about songs that have unexplained “that’s” in their lyrics (here and here), or as I called it, obvious ambiguity.  So this time around, I’m focusing on songs that are centered around “this.”

MY GUESS OF WHAT THIS IS: Try out to be Fly Girls on In Living Color.

MY GUESS OF WHAT THIS IS: The jam that’s pumping because I need to get to the peanut butter that’s spreading.

MY GUESS OF WHAT THIS IS: Based on the video alone, I’d say acid trip.

MY GUESS OF WHAT THIS IS: Enough D-cell batteries.

MY GUESS OF WHAT THIS IS: Not a remake of Huey Lewis and The News’ If This Is It.

Awesome Battle… He-Man Vs. She-Ra

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sibling Rivalry

Recently, on the Hub or some channel like that, I happened to catch back-to-back episodes of both shows, and I’ve already decided that there is a clear winner in the Awesome Battle between He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and She-Ra: The Princess of Power.  This post will illustrate my process.

  • ROUND 1 – THEME SONGS

Each of these are classics in their own right, but one stands out as a more advanced arrangement.  One could even imagine its back beat being lifted for an artist such as Nicki Minaj:

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 2 – ROGUE GALLERY

Let’s take a look at She-Ra’s enemies – The Evil Horde, lead by Hordak:

They were so bad-ass, they didn’t even sell them as part of the She-Ra toyline.

And howzabout He-Man’s baddies, lead by Skeletor:

I kid, I kid… Or should I say “I baby…” (pun!)

(Click here for the real pic.)

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 3 – SEXUAL OVERTONES

Sexual overtones are in all cartoons… especially in ones that phocus on fysique focus on physique.  So in He-Man, you have Prince Adam who dresses like this:

Um… yup.

And this is him as He-Man with his merry crew:

Despite furry loin clothes and boots, plus Ram Man’s skirt, this is a bit better.

With She-Ra, well, here’s the whole kitten-caboodle:

Hello ladies…

Even if you excuse the rainbow for the times, on the episode of She-Ra that I watched, at the start of the show, she emerged from one of the other ladies’ tents after spending the night.  Remember, this is pre-Brokeback Mountain, too, but mixed messages are mixed messages for a reason.

WINNER: TIE WITH SLIGHT EDGE TO SHE-RA (NOT TO BE INSENSITIVE, BUT I’LL CHOOSE LESBIANS EVERY TIME)

  • ROUND 4 – COMIC RELIEF

On MOTU, you have Orko:

“Here’s today’s lesson… if you try to be funny, you’re probably not…”

On POP, you have Madame Razz:

Get it! She has a talking broom! (I don’t get it…)

WINNER: TIE… NEITHER ARE THAT FUNNY

  • ROUND 5 – ACCEPTABLE WEIRDNESS

Here are some weird things on He-Man:

They fight by shoving, not punching.

Need more proof?

Who’s this guy?

A dragon wearing a horned helmet?

This takes the cake.

No weird pictures for She-Ra because all that shit’s acceptable.

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 6 – HIDDEN CHARACTERS

In every episode of She-Ra, you had to watch extra hard to find Loo-Kee hidden somewhere in a scene:

He hid better than this.

The only thing hiding in episodes of He-Man was common sense.

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 7 – OVERALL TOYLINE

WINNER: HE-MAN

OVERALL WINNER: HE-MAN

Hibbidy-Wah?! Don’t They Realize This Song Is About A One Night Stand?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I always imagined that Bruno Mars wrote Marry You as a tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek ditty, as if to say:

Girl, I want you so bad, I’ll even marry you…

Am I wrong?  Here are the lyrics.  With a line like:

If we wake up and you
Wanna break up, that’s cool

Maybe I’m old-fashioned… or it means something different in Portland:

(via)

The Silver Lining… Punk Is Not Dead – It’s On YouTube

Posted on by sgottahurt

There needs to be some type of backlash coming against all the pop acts in this world.  But then again, everything is so corporate, I’d have to dig deep to find the backlash.

SIDENOTE: I should mention that I’m lazy.  So I looked up some of my favorites on the ol’ YouTube.  Enjoy.  Or don’t.  Fuck you.

  • Liam Lynch’s United States of Whatever
  • Sex Pistols’ Who Killed Bambi?
  • Suicidal Tendencies’ Institutionalized