…and that’s probably because it wasn’t a drunken treat.
But I was told this while I was drunk, and I believed my friend. Moooostly because of the aforementioned boozing and unfamiliarity with the product.
Still, who thought marketing juice boxes to adults was a great idea?
Probably the same people who thought using Richard Lewis in the commercials was the bee’s knees.
(Or Richard Lewis’ hair stylist, amiright?)
I could have scribbled this post of drunken ramblings about how much a stone weighs in Britain (14 lbs.), or what the temperature of horse blood is (98-101°F) and how it pertains to the creation of degrees Fahrenheit, but I won’t.
Instead, I’m going to have a Drunken Recollection about bums. And I’m not talking about bums in a mean, anti-homeless way. This is merely an examination of the variety of terms used in regard to bums.
We were at the bar discussing the wide array of names used in books, television, and cinema, and how there was no real differentiation between types.
Until now.
Allow me to present a Venn diagram that I made to display the degrees of differences. It took two attempts, because my first one didn’t truly capture the essence of a Venn diagram.
Agree? Disagree? Disapprove? Let me know in the comments. My excuse will be simply: “I was drunk.” Which could be a phrase muttered by many of those below…
My friend Jay works with a bunch of middle-aged shop guys (please take that as a euphemism), and as is common practice amongst those in that industry, the loony bin rejects spew a bunch of bullshit out of their mouths (so much for any euphemisms).
Every so often, Jay asks me to check out the validity of comets heading towards Earth, or if there really are three-breasted women doing porn. And I do – often in the name of Drunken Recollections. This latest effort is to get to the bottom of whether Rihanna’s song Umbrella is about how she sold her soul to The Devil.
This video is even long for my tastes, but I recommend checking it all out for curiosity’s sake (or jump to about the 4:30 mark):
That’s some heavy crazy analysis. This one sees Satan in another place (his “semen” I guess):
And click here for a complete breakdown of the lyrics.
So What Do I Ultimately Think?
If someone can analyze the hell out of a video (so to speak) and find images of the occult, or the Illuminati, or whatever, then someone making a video could have just as easily put all those things in there. Does it mean Rihanna or Jay-Z are Satanists? Who cares. Worshipping Baphomet at least makes more sense than worshipping Xenu…
…and for the record, let’s not bring this up again when drinking, Jay. It’s kind of a buzz killer.
Because I’m kind of afraid.
I’ve only seen Superbad once. That was when it came out on DVD, and I haven’t seen it since.
I’ve never watched the new Rambo. In fact, I think I’ve only taken in the ill-titled Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rambo III.
Then why did I dream about an adventure story featuring Christopher Mintz-Plasse as this guy:
Good for beer purchases everywhere but Hawaii.
Except he looked more like this:
Superbadass
Regardless, the man saved my life.
And I won’t ever get to thank him.
INGREDIENTS: Five 20 oz. Miller Lites followed up by small curd cottage cheese.
It seems like a lot of Drunken Recollections are about mix-ups, so why not create a term for it:
ALCONFUSION
This post is about a pair of moments of alconfusion… one on my behalf, one on behalf of another.
While in Kentucky for the derby, I was at the bar and somebody was talking about Rachel Nichols and her possible hook-ups with most of the NFL or NBA or whatever… that’s neither here nor there. They were talking about the sportscaster from ESPN:
Rachel Nichols, daughter of director Mike Nichols and her mother
I thought they were talking about this Rachel Nichols:
Except she's not normally green...
Hopefully this will help:
Yo Joe, indeed.
So my alconfusion was me thinking they were speaking ill of actress Rachel Nichols when they weren’t. They were just speaking ill of the sportscaster I don’t find attractive know.
I was going to write about Lupe Fiasco’s The Show Goes On a while back because it liberally borrows from Modest Mouse’s Float On, but the song’s creators acknowledged that at the time of release, so I didn’t. But I get to write about it today.
While this tune played at the bar, a friend asked who performed this Float On rip-off. I answered correctly, but what she thought I said cracked me up.
I replied:
Lupe Fiasco
She heard:
Beefy Asshole
Sexism in beer advertising just ain’t what it used to be.
Remember when beer ads had scantily clad women in barely there bikinis, rubbing icy cold bottles of the devil’s brew up and down their glistening– wait, there never were commercials like this?!
Take a look at the latest offering from Miller Lite and tell me if it’s sexy or not:
Well okay sure, the ladies are hot. And there’s nothing wrong with beautiful girls in full-body blue bathing suits tackling a man in a convenience shop. But I can’t help but wonder what these kind of commercials would be like if the censors weren’t watching. I’m not talking XXX territory either, just a racier ad.
After all, isn’t this an ad campaign aimed at guys? Guys that the MillerCoors Brewing Company want to drink their light beer? Or is that what this boils down to. Perhaps a manlier beer deserves a manlier campaign:
I’d rather stay thirsty my friends, than gather Taste Points…
…even though I prefer to drink Miller Lite over Dos Equis.
But that’s mostly because I’m cheap frugal!
On three occasions from three different friends I was asked about the validity of each of these videos. I think on some level, in each situation, my friends knew these weren’t real or true. But on another, perhaps spiritual, level, they wanted these to be real or true. Why? Well, I get the second one, but the others? No thanks.
My friend Jess brought this video up, knowing full well how I feel about aliens, and by the time I finally mustered the sauce to catch up on it (see what I did there?), fear did not overcome me. Not even a little. That translates to: FAKE.
Don’t watch the video unless you want to be tortured prior to our inevitable demise. My friend Jason likes bringing this one up, plus all the updates and refutations he’s found. He’s new to the TripleDoubleU, so I forgive him. This gist is this:
By September of this year, we’re all gonna die.
The gist of my response to that is this:
Keep on drinking!
I finally got Sirius XM a few months ago, and as it goes with most new technologies that I drag my feet on, I don’t know how I lived without it.
(SIDENOTE: I’m still unsure how I feel about Facebook. It reminds of the last fifteen minutes of LOST when everyone finds each other in “heaven” against all odds. Have I mentioned how much I hate the last fifteen minutes of LOST?)
That being said, I bounce around the stations. Whereas I used to have about 10 terrestrial channels, I now have an additional 10 solid satellite ones, if not more. So for me to stumble across a crossover country song isn’t that unusual. What is unusual is this song by Tim McGraw called Felt Good on My Lips:
That’s country music? I mean, yeah, there’s still the omnipresent xenophobia, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard a good ol’ boy recite these kind of lyrics:
She ordered us a drink
It was a purple kind of pink
She said it’s got a shot of a little bit of everything
Mellow yellow umbrella for a fella like me
It was just a bit mellow for me to be seen with
And also, what’s up with the last song by Taylor Swift? Back to December sounds like it wants to be the first countremo song (that would be emo country in case you were wondering):
In the spirit of full disclosure – I kind of like both songs I don’t really give a ten-gallon hat.
Ooookay… so chair dancing might not be the best descriptor.
While drinking one night (hence the post’s header), I stated there should be a dance competition between seated performers. Specifically, you can dance your ass off, but your ass must remain planted on a chair. Hence chair dancing sit down dancing.
Here are some videos I found of others with the same idea:
At least it’s better than this:
This is an old battle I’ve been meaning to revisit for quite some time. It’s a war of semantics and the preferred way of getting my hands dirty.
The alcoholic argument I’ve had with cohorts goes like so:
In any given situation, with any given group of girls, one girl is always the hottest…
Sometimes the bar has been set so low that the hottest girl might not be as hot in other situations…
Thus she is __________ hot.
This is the point of contention. What word best describes the type of hot:
CLASSROOM vs. WORKPLACE
To illustrate my point, let’s use Blake Lively and Eliza Dushku as objects subjects:
Here they are in basic bathing suits.
Both look stunning in their conservative attire, and are definitely above par for the course of this discussion. Nonetheless, let’s imagine two rooms full of regular women, with one of them in each room.
For Blake Lively, she would be designated hot of course. But would you say she’s CLASSROOM hot? Meaning that in any given classroom situation, she’d be the hottest girl?
For Eliza Dushku, would you prefer the term WORKPLACE hot? Meaning that any workplace, she’d be the hottest girl?
Classroom vs. Workplace
Okay. I’m probably not making myself clear here. I’m getting distracted by the pretty ladies.
Which term is the better classifier? I argue CLASSROOM because you’re a part of a smaller group within the larger machine – SCHOOL.
Some friends argue that it seems creepy, and that WORKPLACE works as a better classifier. I would retaliate with the fact that we’re discussing classifications, but I did use the word work… so I’ll say that if they said BOARDROOM hot, they’d be on the same page.
But maybe we’re all wrong, and there is only one clear way to explain this idea of the regular girl rising to the top of regular girls to become hottest – and no, it’s not the HIGHLANDER way of “There can be only one!” But it is just as nerdy:
COMIC CON HOT
For your consideration..
The proof in the figgy pudding, Jessica Nigri (also known as The Comic Con Girl or The Pikachu Girl):
Shirt open, case closed.
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