Humor

Musical Musings… The Female Mind In The 80’s (According To A Swiss Duo)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I forgot all about this song until my good ol’ Sirius XM planted another earworm in my head.

It’s a song by Double about a woman that’s lost her love, and she still awaits his return.  What did she call him, or at least think of him as?  Wait for it… The Captain of Her Heart.

Only in the 80’s would a woman (even in a song written by two guys) consider her man the captain of anything.  Boats were weirdly popular, as were songs about sailing.  It was kind of a yuppie thing that even extended into fashion.

If this song was made in any other decade, I wonder what the hook would have been?

  • MOVING BACKWARD:

In the 70’s, it would have been The Yang of Her Yin.

In the 60’s, it would have been The Bread Winner of Her Children.

In the 50’s, it would have been Together Forever For Better or Worse.

  • MOVING FORWARD:

In the 90’s, it would have been The Cock that Dicked Her Over.

In the Aughties, it would have been Rock That Booty on a Boat, featuring T-Pain.

In the 10’s, it would be The Captain of Her C—.

JusWondering… How Does This Even Qualify As A Cartoon?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Is this just a pog for the digital age? Really, I’m seriously asking…

I watch more cartoons than I should.  In fact, depending on the time of the year, my DVR may be 33% full of animated hijinks.

But this show… this show makes me feel like a parent (which I’m not).  Of all the swill shilling shit programming out there, this one… this one… you just need to see:

If the opening of BeyWheelz: Powered by BeyBlade is too unbearable to sit through, allow me to present a sample battle scene from this show:

Yes.  You saw exactly what you saw.  Two wheels riding into each other.  Not animals popping out of balls or cards.  Wheels.  Or pardon me, Wheelz.

These Wheelz.  Or pardon me, BeyWheelz.

I wonder if each set is based on a different episode.

Hasbro has gotten sloppy, power-hungry, or durrr since the success of the brain-dead-on-arrival Transformer films.  Even the cinematic floater called Battleship made them money in the worldwide market.  Perhaps their just setting their sights on dumb-proofing children so that one day a live-action BeyWheelz will be another future summer blockbuster.

Wait a second… BeyWheelz… Michael Bay… it might already be too late… 

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… So-Called Legends

Posted on by sgottahurt

It appears to me that the word legend gets thrown around an unfair amount.  So I’m gonna throw it around some more but with some context…

THE SHIT

This is the show’s equivalent to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

In Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV cartoon – not the movie), we are introduced to an amazing world where gifted individuals can bend (mentally manipulate) the four elements.  But Aang’s more of a legend than Korra at this series’ start.  This show that acts as a sequel not only brought us back to this world, but also a grown up one.  We’re only one season in, and although the finale was a bit too tidy, I can’t wait for more.  This desire to go back is the only thing that trumps what I deeply considered deeming The Shit, and instead opted to rank as…

NUMBER TWO

Look how fast they grow up. And different.

The only legend you need to know about Zelda is that she’s an easy kidnap.  The original game was incredible; I could never beat Zelda II: The Adventures of Link.  A Link to the Past was my next victory… and my last.  I’ve purchased virtually all the games in this series, but even though I play them like crazy when I first get them, I’ve yet to finish another.  I don’t even look forward to them half as much anymore.  I did get close to finishing Twilight Princess… but I just stopped.

BIRD TURD

“Who wants their ass kicked? That’s right… I said who!?”

Owls.  In.  Armor.  ‘Nuff said.

UNDEAD CRAP

“Here’s a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.”

This Will Smith cash grab probably would have got a higher ranking from me if the they would have done one of two things:

  1. Not use CGI zombie/vampire/whatevers
  2. Kept the original ending where his character makes amends with the main CGI zombie/vampire/whatever

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

It looks passable… and I don’t mean in the bowels sense.

This TV show is only so low because I know little about it.  I know I’ve heard good things about it, but I also know it was cancelled before its time, so to invest any time in catching up on it would be a waste of, um, time.  What they were seeking, I may never know, but if it ever gets picked up again, who knows?  Maybe I’ll seek out the DVD’s.

DINGLEBERRY CENTRAL

“No, this is not about Xenu.”

I haven’t seen this film in forever, and as much as seeing young Mia Sara could tempt me, seeing young Tom Cruise or the weird shirtless (even if it’s a prosthetic) Tim Curry does not.

80’S POOP

I hate to admit this, but the kid is my son.

The plot of this film sounds atrocious, and you can read it by clicking here.  Or you can just read the summary of Billie Jean’s legend:

…[she’s] a symbol of youth empowerment and the evidence of the injustices adults are capable of…

Boo hoo.

JUST SHITTY

Matt Damon: “Are the cameras still on us?” Will Smith: “What cameras?”

Sorry that you made it on here twice, Will Smith.  Nothing against you, but this golf flick (first mistake!) is not good.  In fact, the only good thing it has going for it is that it probably ushered in the end of the magical negro trope.  Well, maybe this quote by Matt Damon’s character, too:

You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Blockbuster Will Be Liquid Again!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This by far has to be one of my strangest dreams… and that’s saying a lot.

It involved the old entertainment powerhouse Blockbuster:

Why don’t keyboards have cent signs anymore?

You see, they sent out emails and letters asking any and all of their former customers one specific statement:

If you have a credit card that you are not currently using, please allow us to max out its cash advance.  We will cover all the monthly payments and the interest.  We are only doing this to have liquid assets.  For participating, you will have unlimited free rentals until we’ve paid our debt on your card.

In a bizarre way, it seems logical.  But could anyone really trust Blockbuster after their whole No Late Fees debacle?  Wow, what a difference 27 years make…

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Can Still Sing The Theme To Pole Position

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a weird situation for me.  I consider myself fairly savvy about 80’s pop culture.  I can pull nuggets of recollections (drunken or otherwise) that would put search engines to shame.

For instance, after all these years, how can I still remember the theme song to a show that ran 28 years ago for thirteen episodes:

Equally as strange as knowing the lyrics to Pole Position is knowing (most) of the words to Punky Brewster’s cartoon theme:

But this is where I dropped the ball.  I saw some write-up about 80’s cartoons, and the show Turbo Teen was mentioned.  I DON’T REMEMBER TURBO TEEN.  That is until I saw this:

*hangs head in shame*

SIDENOTE: If you type Turbo Teen in Google, you get no results.

Because it sounds dirty.

Awesome Battle… Which VHS Acid Trip Do You Prefer?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Who am I kidding?  These are both great.  So it’s an Awesome Battle that ends in total win!

(SIDENOTE: I miss you, Everything is Terrible… I promise not stay away so long ever again!)

THINGS TO WATCH FOR:

  • Rosemarie Lombardi when she was 36 and loving wind in her face.*
  • Rodney enjoying a time out to talk with the ladies.
  • Mike Douglas on a skateboard.
  • Elliott Gould on a swing.
  • Priscilla and John – two lovers that never found Plymouth Rock.
  • Beer enriched shampoo!
  • Leonard Nimoy with a human head (Vincent Van Gogh?) replica for some reason.
  • The late Ernest Borgnine loving stamps.
  • Sonny Bono and his Sonny Clone-o’s.
  • Bruce Jenner with his old face and an old Minolta camera.
  • A clown on the phone.
  • Hizzoner?
  • An interesting reveal by Della Reese.
*I don’t know who Rosemarie Lomobardi is either.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Handball Is A Thing?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Apparently, the facility at which I play indoor soccer is going to start offering handball.  Also apparently, I’m joining a handball team.

What is handball, you ask?

It’s like whirlyball without bumper cars and jai alai scoops.

No, it’s more like lacrosse without sticks (whatever they’re called) and helmets.

No, it’s definitely basketball without any rules and you shoot at a tall hockey net instead of a basket.  Yeah, that’s exactly it.

InASense, Lost… My Old Dreams

Posted on by sgottahurt

Growing up, I wanted to be Luke Skywalker (not Han Solo), Indiana Jones, and Steven Spielberg.  How much has changed since then?

Not since I watched all the James Bond films in my early-30’s and reconsidered my lifelong attachment to Star Wars, have I wished for a new childhood dream:

I WISH I WANTED TO BE AN OLYMPIAN.

Olympic Village sex parties?  Why would anyone want to re-evaluate their life and wish to be a part of that?

Unofficial Trilogy… Crappy Comic Book Movies That Were More Satisfying Than The Dark Knight Rises

Posted on by sgottahurt

These are not the brightest, but they are far from the worst.  To go even further, I enjoyed these three crappy comic book movies more than I enjoyed The Dark Knight (*yawn*) Returns Rises.  See what you think about my Unofficial Trilogy:

Maybe I should have picked all DC/Vertigo adaptations… Would anyone have noticed?

CONSTANTINE (2005)

Based on the main character from Hellblazer, and released a year after Hellboy, this film at least benefited from a variety of baddies and demons.  All Hellboy faced was a multitude of Sammael’s (the devil squid-dog creature), but I digress.  Constantine was fun because the story was about heaven versus hell, Satan was played to hammy oddness by Peter Stormare, Shia LeBeouf dies (spoiler!), and it followed logic and a plot.  It was crappy because John Constantine was played by Keanu Reeves, Gavin Rossdale of Bush was in it, and Shia LeBeouf came back as an angel (double spoiler!). The rise of John Constantine felt much more natural than Bruce Wayne’s.

FANTASTIC FOUR (2005)

This was a breezy adaptation of a very old comic book.  To begin, Doctor Doom was nowhere near menacing and maniacal enough.  But they got the relationship stuff right, especially when it came to the pranks between The Thing and Johnny Storm.  Even the shout outs to Yancy Street and the inclusion of Alicia Masters were surprising.  But still… it was cheesy.  But I guess Fantastic Four should be cheesy.  TDKR shouldn’t, but you wouldn’t have known by the ending (which was the only thing I liked incidentally).

GREEN LANTERN (2011)

Greg Berlanti, one of the writers of this film, knows nothing about superheroes.  His TV shows, No Ordinary Family and Eli Stone (he had powers, sort of), were flimsy attempts at showing the extraordinary in the ordinary, and this film was no different.  So why did I like it better than TDKR?  Even though it had purple aliens and power lamps and magic rings and a killer cloud and Blake Lively’s cleavage, it still made more sense than all the loose story threads in The Dark Knight Rises.  Perhaps if The Dark Knight wasn’t so damn good…

Drunken Recollection… Hotness Scale In The Digital Age

Posted on by sgottahurt

I really wish I could take credit for this idea, but again it was brought up while drinking after soccer.

So the old way of rating a woman (or a dude)’s hotness was on a scale of 1 to 10…  1 being not-so, and 10 being ichiwawa.

In other words, archaic… or analog.

But since we live in the digital age, there should be a new standard for the scale.

“Visual approximation of the future.”

Hence:

THE HOTNESS SCALE FOR THE DIGITAL AGE

1 = YES

0 = NO

You’ll interface or won’t.  DOS that make sense?.