Worth 1002 Words… Robocop Video Edition
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KID ROBBED
(SIDENOTE: Seriously, how could Peter Weller miss Kid Rock in his list of famous Detroiters? He’s one of its staunchest supporters! For shame, Robocop, for shame…)
Humor
The Sh– And Just Sh–ty… A Day In The Life Of The Hanks Family
It’s safe to say that Tom Hanks is beloved. (It’s an easier call than saying that about Grimace.) But does that extend to his family? Tough call. (His wife, Rita Wilson, probably would feel some love. She’s at least beminusloved. And maybe son Colin Hanks has some fans…?)
After the Oscars, it was really nice to see Tom Hanks playing up his comedy skills again on the Jimmy Kimmel Live. For the record, this is filed under The Shit:
Let it be known, Sophie Hanks is not his real daughter. (She’s played by Actor! Nikki Hahn.) But Rapper! Chet Haze is his real son:
Guess what this is filed under…
Hibbidy-Wah?! My Mind Is In The Pitts For Sure
This is almost a post I don’t want to do. It’s not that I don’t want to do it… It’s more that I shouldn’t.
And it’s not even that I shouldn’t… It’s just that, well, how about I stop beating around the bush…
This was not cut out by scissoring.
It’s about the company name up above.
I was recently watching someone playing the Pittsburgh Penguins at home, and my trained eye caught an ad in the Mellon Arena for Trib Total Media. Who in their right mind would name their company that? Who wouldn’t stop them and tell them what it’s short for?! I covered this in one of my earliest posts, and I’m still not comfortable explaining it! That’s why my lips are sealed!
So I guess that’s why this was a post I didn’t want to do… because I didn’t want it to rub anyone the wrong way.
Drunken Recollection… Evil Grimace
He has McDiabetes.
Okay, all you Super-Sized McFatties out there, are you ready for this?
Wait… that’s kind of the wrong way to start this post. Kind of like how McDonald’s started Grimace out as an evil, four-armed thief…
He was introduced in 1971, and made only these two appearances as a bad guy. For whatever reason, he was quickly converted into the purple gumdrop we all know and… are mildly nostalgic about? But finding out about this, one night while drinking, finally shed some light on a question I’ve long battled:
If Grimace means a sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust, why would they name the lovable oaf that?
Lovable oaf? Really?!
It’s because he started out as a… sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust, I guess.
But I digress. Anyone out there remember Uncle O’Grimacy? Because for some reason, I don’t.
But this talk of Shamrock Shakes and St. Patrick’s Day gets me thinking… man, I can’t wait to do more drinking. And drinking is what lead me to this overall discovery.
It’s the circle of life. Or the Golden Arches of life. Have it your way. Oh wait, that’s the Burger King slogan, but I’m lovin’ it.
A Handful Of… Songs That Reference Video Game Systems
As I set out to make this short list of songs that reference video game systems (in other words, A Handful Of), I realized that rap music is not one of my strong suits. So I would have included Notorious BIG’s Juicy if I was familiar with the song. But I’m not; so I won’t… even though it included references to Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. I don’t have any songs that reference those systems, but I have my standards. So onto the list:
- Cee Lo Green’s Fuck You (XBOX, Atari)
- Another Bad Creation’s Iesha (Nintendo)
- B.O.B. and Bruno Mars’ Nothing on You (Nintendo 64)
- American Hi-Fi’s Flavor of the Weak (Nintendo)
- Eminem and Rihanna’s Love the Way You Lie (ugh, Nintendo again)
- Notorious B.I.G.’s Juicy (Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis)
I had to include it. Standards, schmandards.
InASense, Lost… Unaware Of This “Business”
It’s another edition of InASense, Lost, and there’s still room to surprise me.
This time, it’s a children’s book entitled: The Story of the Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business.
This is the cover:
Yes. That is shit on his head.
Basically, it’s about a mole that gets his head pooped upon, and the entire book he tries to figure out who did it. SPOILER ALERT: It was the dog. So the mole poops on the dog’s head as revenge.
The analysis from one Amazon reviewer:
So, what does this teach my children?
1. It’s ok to poop on others.
2. Revenge is better than forgiveness.
3. Different types of animal poop. (Is this really necessary?)
4. Poop is safe to touch.
Ultimately, poop is funny. And let’s be honest… the author is German (Werner Holzwarth), and we all know they’re into Scheiße. What? It’s all over the TripleDoubleU so it must be true!
(SIDENOTE: If you want a good and decent children’s novel, I’d recommend A Sick Day for Amos McGee. In fact, I’d recommend anything but The Story of the Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business…)
No animal poop in this one. Just someone who feels like it.
Happy Find… And A Surprisingly Sad Find
These two videos have already been out there for a week, and when I initially saw them, I thought they’d be huge – which they are. But since then, I haven’t been able to get them out of my head. So I figured I’d share them with you in case you haven’t caught them yet.
I’ll start with the sad one. It’s a preview for the video game Dead Island, and it’s quite haunting:
This one is quite the opposite. It involves a… well, I’ll let you watch and enjoy:
JusWondering… Why Aren’t There More Mythical Moves Named After Players
Currently, a certain phone company is running a campaign featuring Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals:
He uses that stick to keep from tipping over.
In the ad, they play with his name and create a mythical move… the Ovechtrick. In other words, “a hat-trick of hat-tricks.” In other-other words, “nine goals.” It’s not an impossible move, but it is insanely unlikely. (The most goals scored in one game was 7… by Joe Malone… in 1920.)
So I was JusWondering, what other mythical moves could be invented based upon famous athletes names? Here are a few…
THE PETE RAISE, A.K.A. THE RE-PETE ROSE
I bet you didn't see this joke coming.
This move, named after Cincinnati Reds’ legend Pete Rose (‘natch), is a daring tactic. Comparable to the let it ride, it involves putting everything on the line, much like how the player played the game of baseball. It differs only in the sense that it always works.
Here he is, putting it all on the line.
Like the Ovechtrick above, the Pete Raise is a mythical move, not to be used at any casino, or when online betting @ BetUS.com… unless you’re feeling luckier than Pete Rose, of course.
THE YELLOW FAVRE
It's highly contagious.
Not quite on the level as (in fact, it’s nowhere near) another disease named after a sports legend (*tugs collar uncomfortably*), this mythical disease causes a player to keep moving, not just on the field, but from team to team. And not in any quiet fashion. The move must be made into a BIG DEAL.
You do not want to get a call from this guy. Or a text, apparently.
Initially thought to be isolated to one man and one sport, it appears that The Yellow Favre is spreading…
Told ya it was contagious.
THE SHAQ FREE
He's immune to the Yellow Favre.
Not to be confused with Shaq Fu (or Steel for that matter), this is the mythical move in which Shaquille O’Neal never misses a free-throw. This is the most magical move of all. Mostly because Shaq has the luck of the Irish on his side. Perhaps he might want to take his chances with The Pete Raise?
Musical Musings… Someone Else’s Mixup
Every once in a while, it’s nice to scoff at someone else’s misery mixup. I’m not free of confusion in this situation, but it involves my boss/friend Paul, and the group Supertramp.
First off, I was unaware they made The Logical Song…
…and, well I’ll get to the other song in a little bit.
One day, Paul burst into the office, convinced that the Goo Goo Dolls had ripped off one of Supertramp’s songs. He swore the end of one of their songs directly stole the ending, but he couldn’t remember which of either.
As I mentioned, I was only familiar with the above tune, so we scoured Goo Goo Dolls’ catalog on YouTube, skipping to just the end of almost all their hits. When we finally hit upon Give a Little Bit, Paul was elated that this was the song. Now we only needed to figure out the Supertramp song.
And voila…
In My Brain While Sleeping… Fred Armisen Gives Good Lessons
From the first time I saw Fred Armisen on Saturday Night Live, I knew he was going somewhere. Between his times spent as topical comedian Nicholas Fehn (this is not from SNL):
As Venezuelan comedian Fericito:
And as Jasper the Parrot (transcript here), he stood out amongst the rest as somebody to watch.
Couple those initial appearances with his bit part in the underrated Eurotrip:
And I became a certified fan.
Now I’m in absolute love with his latest project, Portlandia, so it makes complete sense that I would have a dream about that show.
Essentially, he was portraying this feminist book store owner:
And she was giving a class on how to get comfortable saying the p-word. You know, the word some women view as vulgar, but is considerably less awful than the c-word. Okay, that still seems open to interpretation, because it could be prick and cock… I’m talking about pussy, people. The word pussy. Sorry I got a little cunty there.
Anyoregon, the class was a three-step process.
STEP 1
Say the word, pussy cat. Imagine your little Nibs, or Mittens, or Bootsy, nuzzling in your lap. Imagine your little pussy cat.
STEP 2
Now say the word, pussyfoot. Imagine your little pussy cat pussyfooting around your tiny apartment.
STEP 3
Now imagine that in the corner of your small apartment there’s a pussy willow plant. And your pussy cat’s highly allergic to it, but you forgot to put the allergy medication in the tuna fish breakfast you made. And you tell your pussy cat to stop pussyfooting around your pussy willow. Your pussy cat doesn’t listen because your words had no power behind them, and pussy cat dies. If you can’t say pussy, how will you save Bootsy?
THE END
(I’m here all year!)
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