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In My Brain While Sleeping… A Strange Way To Spend Easter Sunday

Posted on May 1, 2012 by sgottahurt

What do these three dudes have in common?

trainspotting pineapple express idiot brother

It's a coincidence all three of these films are about drugs.

They all appeared in a dream! (Thank glob it wasn’t… well, just thank glob it was what follows.)

I was in some mall, in the outskirts of the food court near Game Stop. I was vaguely aware it was Easter Sunday for some reason, and I found a couple other people who seemed to be waiting for something. So asked them if they were there to play soccer like I was, and they were, so I joined them.

Not too long after, Paul Rudd showed up. He double-checked if we were the group, and once we answered, he kept his face buried in his cell phone.

James Franco arrived next. He wasn’t that interested in mingling either, otherwise I would have asked for him to autograph something for my mother (she loved him on General Hospital.)

The last to make it was Ewen McGregor, and he was the most social, despite keeping his sunglasses on. I don’t remember much else besides this except for the thought that I awakened with:

On the soccer field, would I call him Ew for short? That sounds too much like “you”…

Perhaps he’d answer to Mac?

Drunken Recollection… So You’re Saying Jennifer Lawrence Looks Like Olivia Munn?!

Posted on April 20, 2012 by sgottahurt

I’ve been putting off writing this Drunken Recollection for a while now because I felt like it would be too much work. Then I realized I could make this as difficult as I wanted to, and here we go.

While out drinking with some friends upon seeing The Hunger Games (still in theaters), one of my friends exclaimed:

You know, Jennifer Lawrence kind of looks like Olivia Munn.

Okay, so he didn’t quite exclaim it, but because it shocked me, it felt like he did. For those of you unaware of either of those ladies, here’s a refresher:

Jennifer Lawrence, meet Olivia Munn

Despite the obvious differences of hair and eye color, skin tone, noses, and lips, they both have:

White teeth (welcome to Hollywood)
Distinct, angled chins
Narrower eyes
Round faces with high cheekbones
Similar bodies?

Similar bodies: check

I still don’t exactly see it though. Perhaps if they’re both in costume:

Katniss Everdeen, meet Slave Leia... I'm sure you'll both have so much to talk about

CONCLUSION #1: I don’t see it.

CONCLUSION #2: My friend is an idiot.

CONCLUSION #3: Ladies, call me!

InASense, Lost… Mischief In My Memory

Posted on April 19, 2012 by sgottahurt

In my newly rediscovered appreciation for all things Kelly Preston, I was disappointed to realize what prudes we’ve become.

For the DVD cover of her classic (?) film, Mischief, there’s been some hanky-panky:

This image has been burned in my brain for so long.

There’s something missing. Something’s Photoshopped out of it, right? Let’s go to the poster:

I will never forget my first time... seeing this.

What?! Surely, this original poster hasn’t been Photoshopped… let’s check another:

How did people Photoshop (verb) before Photoshop (noun)?

Okay, I must be ~~perverted~~ crazy. Because the way I remember this, his hand wasn’t pulling a Shooter McGavin… he was holding onto something…

God Bless the VHS

The Silver Lining… Alternate Titles For Firefly That Could Have Saved It (Maybe… Probably Not)

Posted on April 18, 2012 by sgottahurt

Does this title scream western sci-fi space romp or what?

Joss Whedon is about to hit the proverbial big-time very soon. Fans that know him already love him and probably consider him “big-time”, but I’m talking about the next level shit here.

Much like how Jon Favreau was merely that guy who was in that cool indie Rat Pack-era inspired 90’s film (that he wrote) alongside Vince Vaughn, Favreau was not a name the masses knew until a little flick called Iron Man.

With The Avengers, the masses will now know Whedon. And if they don’t, they should.

That having been said:

What the fuck was he thinking when he named his best television show to date Firefly?

If you don’t know the show, you should be ashamed of yourself. It’s the one-season wonder that was so beloved, it got a theatrical follow-up, Serenity… which is also a sucky name. Firefly is the class of ship and Serenity is its name.

This is tantamount to calling a Star Wars TV show, Corellian Freighter, and the movie based on it, Millenium Falcon. (Okay, the movie title kind of works.)

If Firefly had a different show title, would it have lasted? All I can say is it would have stood out more. (When I originally heard of the show, I heard “from the creator of Buffy, comes Firefly“… needless to say, I didn’t watch it in its original run.)

Here are my alternate suggestions for Firefly/Serenity:

“Mal” – could have evoked Darth Maul, or malice… it’s better than using the lead character’s full name, “Mal Reynolds” (which is still better than John Carter), but it does not capture all the characters
“Browncoats” – this is what the rebels of the Alliance were called… we’re getting somewhere, but this still only covers two players
“OutRiders” – a play on the word that means forerunner or harbinger… evokes outsider and rider of horses/ships, perhaps… also sounds like it could be a show on Bravo
“Spacecoach” – since this show is like Stagecoach In Space horrible idea
“The Last Frontier” – frontier = boring to me
“Space Western” – it worked for That 70’s Show

So why did Whedon go with Firefly?

Whedon wanted to give the show a name that indicated movement and power, and felt that “Firefly” had both. This powerful word’s relatively insignificant meaning, Whedon felt, added to its allure. He eventually wound up creating the ship in the image of a firefly. (via)

Unofficial Trilogy… Movies You Will Likely Never See

Posted on April 17, 2012 by sgottahurt

Ahh, the 80's (and early 90's)...

You may already be in luck. One of these is currently available for viewing on Netflix. Remember… if you don’t have Netflix, you got Netdix™. That’s their new slogan.

Anyhulu, on with this Unofficial Trilogy of Movies You Will Likely Never See.

Tough Guys (1986)

In the 80’s, I was a Touchstone Pictures junkie. (They were Disney’s adult-fare division). Anything they released, I would eventually see on ~~DVD~~ VHS. Most were enjoyable, some were forgettable, and films like this one are long-lost. (Click the Touchstone link to see an impressive list of hits.)

Tough Guys is basically about two old (tough) guys that finally get released from prison and “will they or won’t they?” integrate into the modern world. Imagine if Brooks Hatlen, the old librarian with the bird in Shawshank Redemption, did the opposite of what he did… that’s this movie.

The Experts (1989)

This film is where John Travolta found his ~~beard~~ true love, the exquisite Kelly Preston. Upon seeing this film again on Netflix (damn there goes the secret), my old-school crush on one of the most beautiful women to ever exist was reignited.

Essentially, the USSR has built a dummy American town that’s styled like the 1950’s. So they bring in Travolta and Arye Gross (remember him on Ellen?) to build a nightclub and unknowingly teach the spies how to live in the (then) present. It’s dumb, but it’s fun.

Run (1991)

Hollywood Pictures was another off-shoot from Disney, but it was nowhere near as successful as Touchstone. Nonetheless, I still sought their films out, and this was their third release (Arachnophobia was their first).

This picture was made after Patrick Dempsey learned you could in fact buy love (that was the lesson, right?), but long before he was McDreamy, Dreamy King, or even Dreamy Castle. And again, here we have my dear, sweet Kelly Preston co-starring. In a word, this movie is about what the title is. Not as in a marathon, but as in for your life.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Colin Farrell – Remake King

Posted on April 12, 2012 by sgottahurt

Face upgrades throughout his Hollywood career...

With Colin Farrell’s Total ~~Remake~~ Recall coming out this summer, it got me thinking… hasn’t he done this before? It’s kind of like Total Recall in Total Real Life. He’s becoming sort of the Remake King, and it may suit him well.

When S.W.A.T. was originally released, Farrell was the Sam Worthington of that moment. He was the foreign Actor! living the Hollywood dream. You couldn’t escape his movies – Hart’s War, Minority Report, Phone Booth, The Recruit, and, ugh… Daredevil (his Bullseye was the best thing about that movie).

By the time Miami Vice was released, Anytown Vice could have been breathing down his neck. Addictions to pain killers and Playboy models were derailing his career, and this film was not helped by it (or, ugh… Jamie Foxx.)

(SIDENOTE: Insert In Bruges here. This film is not a remake, but to me, it remade his career. This was the first time I thoroughly enjoyed his work as an Actor in bold, versus my usual sarcastic Italics!)

As for Fright Night and Total Recall, the court’s still out for me. I enjoyed the originals of both, and I don’t think his presence will hurt either of the newer incarnations. My big question is:

What’s the next remake he’ll, um, remake?

Now that Hollywood’s diving into 90’s television with the reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (which I guess was technically and re-imagining of the comic book character), my suggestion is to go back to the TV remakes with Full House: The Movie!

Uncle Jesse, anyone?

Hibbidy-Wah?! Pink Slime, Bugs In Coffee, And Now This!

Posted on April 3, 2012 by sgottahurt

By now, everyone’s heard about pink slime. boring. (It’s so boring I didn’t even feel like capitalizing the B.)

And you may or may not have heard that a bug called the Polish cochineal (insert joke here)is used as a food and drink color dye called carmine. The bug looks like this:

The drawing is easier to stomach... so to speak.

The big reveal was that Starbucks (heavens!) was using the dead beetle dye to color one of their strawberry drinks.

I told you so.

So what’s the next thing that’s going to shock us? It’d have to be big. Big like finding out Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, who have been happily married for 23 years, are – I don’t know – related.

They are "The Closer" than they thought. (<----Much better than a "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" joke.)

Drunken Recollection… Condiment Machines Full Of

Posted on March 23, 2012 by sgottahurt

Let’s face it. Pick-up lines suck. I recently asked a waitress at one of the gang’s usual spots what she thought of them. My friend had a poor one that involved a vulgar nickname, whereas I tested the classic stolen by the movie Hall Pass:

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.

Cheesy as hell? Yes. Good? Not really… but it’s nowhere near offensive is my point.

At this point, the waitress shared what she thought was a cute pick-up line. I don’t know if it happened to her, and if it did, whether it worked, but here it goes… a guy hurries up to a girl holding something in his hand, and he says:

You dropped your name tag.

And he gives her this:

Stunned, we were. (Talked like Yoda, we didn’t.) Once she walked away, and the spirited conversation began.

Here are some alternates (WARNING! BY DEFAULT, THEY ARE NOT GOOD!):

SAY:

I did this to my courage to talk to you.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I’m glad I was able to do this to you.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I’ll do this to the time we spend together.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I view you as this.

HAND OVER:

(SIDENOTE: This was our favorite from the night.)

SAY WHILE HANDING OVER:

ACCEPTABLE FOLLOW-UP ITEM TO HAND OVER AS YOUR RESPONSE:

UNACCEPTABLE FOLLOW-UP ITEM TO HAND OVER AS YOUR RESPONSE:

The Silver Lining… Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Aliens

Posted on March 22, 2012 by sgottahurt

I’ve come to Michael Bay’s defense once before. I’m not going to do it again.

But I might have to find The Silver Lining in his decision to reboot the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as aliens.

These are not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

What good might I find in the seemingly asinine idea to change the beloved oozy origin of our pizza-loving, sewer-dwelling crime fighters? Midi-chlorians, anyone?

These are not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Sometimes such changes work. In the Sam Raimi Spider-Man series, didn’t a genetically altered spider make a lot more sense than a radioactive one? (Maybe not enough. Part 3 did suck, and the new film is abandoning that concept.)