Film

Awful Battle… Douchey Wool-Pullers

Posted on by sgottahurt

I would like to bring up a new branch of douchebags, as the post title suggests.  This group can be used as a warning signal, something we look to in order to insure it never happens again.  These are the douchebags that pulled the wool over our eyes, and tricked us into thinking they were as cool as they thought they were.

So here lies the ultimate Awful Battle… of the Douchey Wool-Pullers:

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Dane Cook

Done Cooked, more like it.

I would say Cook seemed to explode on the comedy scene, but he would only spin it into some jizz joke.  Who knows how long he worked on his material?  (That doesn’t sound right either.)  Who knows why he caught on so fast?  I’ll even admit to enjoying him at the get go, and with an upcoming movie career, I believe I even hailed him as the next Steve Martin (compliment or not).  But when all the shit came out about his liberal borrowing of other comics’ bits, bits of me died for thinking Dane Cook was once cool, when really, he was a douchebag.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Scott Stapp of Creed

Scott Stop, more like it.

Really, this one is more our collective fault than anything else.  Though his level of douchebaggery may be high, his level of trickery/wool-pulling is not so.  We caught him early, mostly because he claimed to be Christian rock and wore leather pants and left his wife after having a kid and had that alleged sex tape with Kid Rock (and girl groupies) and need I go on?  I really did like Higher, My Own Prison, and With Arms Wide Open, though… what’s wrong with me?

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Fred Durst

Fred Duh, more like it.

Like Stapp and Cook, he appeared out of thin air that was apparently quite chilly, since he often appeared in his puffy jacket and backwards hat.  He was quite popular from the word nookie, and was in the pop music backlash crowd that included Eminem and the Wu Tang Clan.  But soon after, his song Break Stuff became like his anthem, and he was pissing people off at Woodstock ’99 (allegedly instigating the riot which lead to some rapes), Eminem and D12, Slipknot, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears.  I also remember hearing that Durst got pissy because Aaron Lewis of Staind never thanked him for putting them on the map.  Oh yeah… he had a sex tape, too.  Gross.  It’s a shame I picked his remake of George Michael’s Faith as the greatest rock remake of an 80’s song.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Kanye West

Kanye Messed, more like it.

I still maintain that West’s The College Dropout album is one of the best I’ve ever listened to, but we all know how fool full of  himself he is.  And how much he loves his Louis Vuittons and all other fashion whatevers… gah!  That stuff bores me.  Rap about important things (Jesus Walks, All Falls Down)!  Or even fun things (Slow Jamz)!  Not designer clothes!

DOUCHEY PULL-OVER RATING

M. Night Shyamalan

M. Not (!) Shyamalan, more like it.

How can someone make two incredibly cool films (The Sixth Sense and yes, Unbreakable), and not only get to keep making more films, but worse and worse films!  And then… AND THEN!  He has the audacity to say we, the audience, just don’t get it!  It takes something to rank pretty high on my Scale of Fury.  He’s at Rage Level 8 (out of 10).

_________________________________________________________________________

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

  • LeBron James and George Lucas

Though they may not be as cool as we once thought, they have not gone full douchebag.  They’ve come close, though.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS:

  • Michael Bay and Brett Ratner

They never pulled any wool over anyone’s eyes.

JusWondering… Why Has Hollywood Never Thought Of This?

Posted on by sgottahurt

"It's not a tumah!"

In all the (hundred or so) years of movie making, I’m surprised that not one film took advantage of this gimmick:

Calling the sequel to a film – ORIGINAL TITLE, JR.

Sure, there’s plenty of Actors! that already employ this gimmick.  Robert Downey; Cuba Gooding; Ed Begley.  But no movie titles… aside from the 1994 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic pictured above.

Here’s a list of films that used either Part II, Part 2, or in one case, Part Deux:

  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
  • The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
  • The Hangover Part II
  • Hostel: Part II
  • The Godfather: Part II
  • Back to the Future Part II
  • Father of the Bride Part II
  • The Karate Kid, Part II
  • Hot Shots! Part Deux
  • Rambo: First Blood Part II
  • Friday the 13th Part 2
  • Fright Night Part 2
  • Return of the Living Dead Part II
  • The Toxic Avenger Part II
  • The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1985)
  • Meatballs Part II
  • …and other worse ones…

How funny would it have been to call one of them, ORIGINAL TITLE, JR!  Well, probably not most of them, but Meatballs, Jr. sounds tasty.  Hot Shots! Jr, Return of the Living Dead, Jr, and The Toxic Avenger, Jr. might have worked, too.

The main reason studios probably haven’t taken advantage of this move is because it evokes a child version of the original, à la The Muppet Babies.  Or worse… it evokes “Son Of” entitled films:

  • Son of the Mask
  • Son of Kong
  • Son of Flubber
  • Son of the Pink Panther
  • Son of Paleface
  • Son of Frankenstein
  • Son of Dracula
  • Son of Godzilla

Along my line of thinking, Grease 2 was almost called Son of Grease, because it’s funny.  It evokes a type of movie that’s a send-up and a celebration of the original.  On the other hand, Seed of Chucky was almost called Son of Chucky, but I’d imagine “Son Of” wasn’t gross enough.

(SIDENOTE: Son of Rambow is another excellent example of my theory, as it could have also been called Rambow, Jr.  Don’t miss this incredible, heartfelt movie.)

So what can Hollywood take away from this free advice?

Give it a shot.  The next time an unoriginal film gets a sequel, slap a Jr. on it.  It’s not like Scary Movie, Jr. could suck more, and at least the title would make me smile…

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Rise Of McLovin

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve only seen Superbad once.  That was when it came out on DVD, and I haven’t seen it since.

I’ve never watched the new Rambo.  In fact, I think I’ve only taken in the ill-titled Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rambo III.

Then why did I dream about an adventure story featuring Christopher Mintz-Plasse as this guy:

Good for beer purchases everywhere but Hawaii.

Except he looked more like this:

Superbadass

Regardless, the man saved my life.

And I won’t ever get to thank him.

INGREDIENTS: Five 20 oz. Miller Lites followed up by small curd cottage cheese.

Musical Musings… This Song Electric Blues

Posted on by sgottahurt

That post title up there might be misleading.  Blues sounds like a variation of blows and by no means do I want anyone to confuse the two.

On the contraire, I want people to start equating the phrase Electric Blue with things that are awesome beyond words, such as the song Electric Blue by Icehouse:

(SIDENOTE: John Oates of Hall &, um, something, co-wrote the song with the Australian band, and apparently once stated that if Icehouse didn’t release it, his band would have.  Thought you’d like to know, so you’re not Out of Touch…)

One thing bothers me about this song though… I feel like it was in a movie, but I can’t find anything that states it was.

My best guess is this movie:

Kim Cattrall's finest performance

Or this movie:

Booger's finest performance

Mannequin is the more likely option, since it was released in 1987 (as was Electric Blue); Better Off Dead was in 1985.  But then again, Starship’s Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now was Mannequin’s signature tune.

I’ll wager $2 that John Cusack’s saxophone solo in Better Off Dead is so imprinted as an earworm in my brain, that any sax solo trudges up comparison and memories.

Or Electric Blue simply sounds like all music at that time.  Who knows…

Hibbidy-Wah?! Jack And Rose, We’ll Never Forget Ye, Mostly Because Ye’ll Never Let us

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t feel like trying today… kinda like how James Cameron didn’t try to be clever with his screenplay for Titanic:

The Sh– And Just Sh–ty… X-Men Films Reviewed As Roller Coasters

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m a little bit upset that X-Men: First Class didn’t do better at the box office in its opening weekend, but I have a feeling that might have to deal with the lead-ins… à la The Jay Leno Show and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.

You see, X-Men: The Last Stand and Wolverine were quite terrible, and perhaps the masses have finally realized they’d had enough.  Or potentially, Hugh Jackman just has that kind of draw.

None the less, I realized there was no pattern of the films in this series being The Shit or simply Just Shitty, so I rated what I think about each movie in comparison to various roller coasters and their riders.

Hey, at least it's finally a movie!

The first X-Men had a lot of work to do.  It had to introduce not only a unique spin on previous superhero origin stories, but it also had to introduce a lot of characters and ideologies.  It’s probably not too fair to compare the flick that introduced the world to the concept of mutants and a mine car roller coaster… Actually, it might be perfectly fair.  Besides, the finale at the Statue of Liberty stills leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

You got that right!

Aside from the fact that the title should have been anything other than what it is (X-Men 2: Mutants United makes way more sense on all levels), this film was fun from the get go.  Gone was Halle Berry’s stupid fake accent; Wolverine finally kicked some ass; Nightcrawler was handled exceptionally well.  Still one of the best superhero movies in Colonel Stryker general.

Duh-rector Brett Ratner is a regular at this ride.

Directors Matthew Vaughan and Bryan Singer poured some of their creative talents into the third film during pre-production.  I assume anything clever (and there was very little) was their handiwork.  The rest was Brett Ratner’s greasy fingers.

I don't want to go to there.

Could have been great.  Could have been fun.  Wasn’t at all.

Not something you see everyday.

I avoided the previews as best as I could, and I was not disappointed.  I loved this film.  It accomplished everything it set out to do: be an origin story and a palette cleanser.  It was cool that it was set in the real world, with a real world life-saving issue, and it was even cooler that it was a send-up of 60’s spy movies at times.

James McAvoy as Charles “Professor X” Xavier and Michael Fassbender as Erik “Magneto” Lensherr fit their roles well, and brought more to the table for these characters, much like how Chris Pine updated Captain Kirk in the Star Trek reboot.  Also, I’ve never appreciated Kevin Bacon more, because he brought a sense of validation to the cast of mostly unknowns.  (There are tons of B-Actor! cameos, and some A-Actors! as well.)

The only thing that sucked?  January Jones can’t act her way out of lingerie.

Awful Battle… Cutesy Penguins Vs. A Chatterbox Gorilla (And More!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Once upon a time, I really thought Jim Carrey was funny.

He had a spectrum of characters on In Living Color, and both Ace Ventura films were a hoot (see what I did there).  The Mask and Dumb and Dumber were practically (or actually) tailor-made for him, and Liar Liar was the pièce de résistence for that phase of his career.

But then came The Truman Show and Man on the Moon, and things started to get tricky.  He couldn’t quite go back to wacky.  I wasn’t too big a fan of Me, Myself & Irene (although I blame that more on my waning Farrelly Brothers sensibilities).  Bruce Almighty was all-righty then, and at that point, boom goes the dynamite.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind erases every Grinch, every Majestic, every Cable Guy, and every Riddler, Batman forever.

So what’s he to do?  His adult fare no longer fared well (Fun with Dick and Jane, The Number 23, Yes Man, I Love You Phillip Morris), whereas his kid-schtick (Lemony Snicket, Horton Hears a Who?, A Christmas Carol)… did marginally better?

So his latest offering, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, should be of no surprise:

Once upon a time, I thought Kevin James was funny.  Not really.  I really liked him in Hitch, though, and I guess he was okay on The King of Queens (my problems were more with Leah Remini and Jerry Stiller).  Paul Blart: Mall Cop felt like a plain donut after watching the insane Observe and Report, and Grown Ups frankly sucked balls.

But James is in a movie with animals, too, and it only illustrates how far Jim Carrey has fallen.  See the talking feces fest here:

Which one wins this Awful Battle?

Worth 1002 Words… More Bruce Than Bruce Can Handle Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Die Hard-On

Some altercolorofnights:

  • Mood Lighting
  • Pulp Friction
  • Heart’s War
  • Twelve Monkeyspanks
  • Arms A-Gettin’
  • Dupli-Sin City
  • Hudson Hawks
(via)

Musical Musings… Best. Song. Ever? (Bonus Best Dancing Ever??)

Posted on by sgottahurt

From the incredible Birdemic: Shock and Terror…

(SIDENOTE: BTW, this is my new family anthem, which is good, since we didn’t have one.  To be honest, I didn’t know we needed one until I witnessed this.)

(BONUS SIDENOTE: Birdemic II: The Resurrection 3D is in the works, and I’d be lying if I said I can’t wait.)

In Defense Of… The Twilight Series

Posted on by sgottahurt

The best part of the Twilight series is that it’s closer to being over.  Just like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the final book in the series will be split into two films, Breaking Dawn, Part 1:

They were "thisclose" to going with Breaking Wind.

And of course, Breaking Dawn, Part 2.  (SIDENOTE: If this wasn’t a post In Defense Of the films, I might have added that I needed to spell that out to the fans, but it is, so I won’t.)

Anyedward, to stand up for this pop culture phenomenon, I could use writer/director Kevin Smith’s logic:

But I’m going to go with anti-logic instead.  (SIDENOTE: Again, if this wasn’t a post In Defense Of the films… well, you know.)

My big defense is at least it’s not this film: