Awful/Awesome Battle

Awesome Battle… Battle Of The Boobs!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Boobs are a national treasure (the fleshy globules, not the idiots), and they should be treated and protected and respected (?) as so.  That’s why today’s Awesome Battle is a collection of products aimed at cleaving away negative aspects of having cleavage, I guess, if there is such a thing.  Perhaps it should be an Awful Battle based upon the products being showcased, but what was I saying again…?

  • Cami Secret
  • Tiddy Bear
  • Kush Support
  • Take it on home, JaboOody Dubs!

Awful/Awesome Battle… Some Animals Are Heroes, Some Are Dicks

Posted on by sgottahurt

The world is a crazy place.  People hurt one another just as much as they help one another.  Is it the same with animals?

(GIF’s via AnimalsBeingDicks.com)

Awful Battle… Douchey Wool-Pullers

Posted on by sgottahurt

I would like to bring up a new branch of douchebags, as the post title suggests.  This group can be used as a warning signal, something we look to in order to insure it never happens again.  These are the douchebags that pulled the wool over our eyes, and tricked us into thinking they were as cool as they thought they were.

So here lies the ultimate Awful Battle… of the Douchey Wool-Pullers:

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Dane Cook

Done Cooked, more like it.

I would say Cook seemed to explode on the comedy scene, but he would only spin it into some jizz joke.  Who knows how long he worked on his material?  (That doesn’t sound right either.)  Who knows why he caught on so fast?  I’ll even admit to enjoying him at the get go, and with an upcoming movie career, I believe I even hailed him as the next Steve Martin (compliment or not).  But when all the shit came out about his liberal borrowing of other comics’ bits, bits of me died for thinking Dane Cook was once cool, when really, he was a douchebag.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Scott Stapp of Creed

Scott Stop, more like it.

Really, this one is more our collective fault than anything else.  Though his level of douchebaggery may be high, his level of trickery/wool-pulling is not so.  We caught him early, mostly because he claimed to be Christian rock and wore leather pants and left his wife after having a kid and had that alleged sex tape with Kid Rock (and girl groupies) and need I go on?  I really did like Higher, My Own Prison, and With Arms Wide Open, though… what’s wrong with me?

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Fred Durst

Fred Duh, more like it.

Like Stapp and Cook, he appeared out of thin air that was apparently quite chilly, since he often appeared in his puffy jacket and backwards hat.  He was quite popular from the word nookie, and was in the pop music backlash crowd that included Eminem and the Wu Tang Clan.  But soon after, his song Break Stuff became like his anthem, and he was pissing people off at Woodstock ’99 (allegedly instigating the riot which lead to some rapes), Eminem and D12, Slipknot, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears.  I also remember hearing that Durst got pissy because Aaron Lewis of Staind never thanked him for putting them on the map.  Oh yeah… he had a sex tape, too.  Gross.  It’s a shame I picked his remake of George Michael’s Faith as the greatest rock remake of an 80’s song.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Kanye West

Kanye Messed, more like it.

I still maintain that West’s The College Dropout album is one of the best I’ve ever listened to, but we all know how fool full of  himself he is.  And how much he loves his Louis Vuittons and all other fashion whatevers… gah!  That stuff bores me.  Rap about important things (Jesus Walks, All Falls Down)!  Or even fun things (Slow Jamz)!  Not designer clothes!

DOUCHEY PULL-OVER RATING

M. Night Shyamalan

M. Not (!) Shyamalan, more like it.

How can someone make two incredibly cool films (The Sixth Sense and yes, Unbreakable), and not only get to keep making more films, but worse and worse films!  And then… AND THEN!  He has the audacity to say we, the audience, just don’t get it!  It takes something to rank pretty high on my Scale of Fury.  He’s at Rage Level 8 (out of 10).

_________________________________________________________________________

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

  • LeBron James and George Lucas

Though they may not be as cool as we once thought, they have not gone full douchebag.  They’ve come close, though.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS:

  • Michael Bay and Brett Ratner

They never pulled any wool over anyone’s eyes.

Awful Battle… Cutesy Penguins Vs. A Chatterbox Gorilla (And More!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Once upon a time, I really thought Jim Carrey was funny.

He had a spectrum of characters on In Living Color, and both Ace Ventura films were a hoot (see what I did there).  The Mask and Dumb and Dumber were practically (or actually) tailor-made for him, and Liar Liar was the pièce de résistence for that phase of his career.

But then came The Truman Show and Man on the Moon, and things started to get tricky.  He couldn’t quite go back to wacky.  I wasn’t too big a fan of Me, Myself & Irene (although I blame that more on my waning Farrelly Brothers sensibilities).  Bruce Almighty was all-righty then, and at that point, boom goes the dynamite.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind erases every Grinch, every Majestic, every Cable Guy, and every Riddler, Batman forever.

So what’s he to do?  His adult fare no longer fared well (Fun with Dick and Jane, The Number 23, Yes Man, I Love You Phillip Morris), whereas his kid-schtick (Lemony Snicket, Horton Hears a Who?, A Christmas Carol)… did marginally better?

So his latest offering, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, should be of no surprise:

Once upon a time, I thought Kevin James was funny.  Not really.  I really liked him in Hitch, though, and I guess he was okay on The King of Queens (my problems were more with Leah Remini and Jerry Stiller).  Paul Blart: Mall Cop felt like a plain donut after watching the insane Observe and Report, and Grown Ups frankly sucked balls.

But James is in a movie with animals, too, and it only illustrates how far Jim Carrey has fallen.  See the talking feces fest here:

Which one wins this Awful Battle?

Awesome Battle… It’s Fright Night Fight Night!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Who doesn’t love the classics?

Who doesn’t love remakes?

Well, typically I never look forward to remakes, but their have been some decent ones through the years.  One of my personal favorites is Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead.  He did all right by George Romero’s original, which is probably his best zombie film to date.  I’m not saying would actually date it… but I’d probably fool around.

Anyreboot, Fright Night is an 80’s classic you may or may not be familiar with, so here’s its preview:

I’ve always had a soft spot for the film, and here are the reasons why:

  1. It’s cheesy good.  For comparison, what’s cheesy bad?  Actually, I think anything cheesy is good because it’s cheesy, especially if it was made in the 80’s.
  2. It’s self-aware.  It knows that it’s a send up of schlocky horror films, hence RoddyMcDowall’s character…
  3. …Peter Vincent: Vampire Hunter.  Think Vincent Price in the style of local horror film TV hosts.
  4. Writer/Director Tom Holland.  He elevates the Rear Window rip-off into celebratory genre-crossing territory, like Shaun of the Dead would do about two decades later.  Plus, he also wrote Cloak & Dagger – one of my all time faves.
  5. Marcy D’Arcy, Herman’s Head, and Jack Skellington.  Well, the Actors! that would go onto play those roles round out the cast.

So you would think the thought of a remake would set me off on a rampage, and it might have had I heard of it before seeing this preview:

Okay, the CGI bothers me, but the cast is actually pretty good:

  • Colin Ferrell – you know who he is
  • Anton Yelchin – Chekov in the new Star Trek; Kyle Reese in Terminator Salvation; Charlie Bartlett
  • Toni Collette – the mom in Sixth Sense, About a Boy, and Little Miss Sunshine; United States of Tara
  • Christopher Mintz-Plasse – McLovin in Superbad; Red Mist in Kick-Ass
  • David Tennant – Dr. Who; somebody in one of the Harry Potter films
Can the story stand the test of time… and technology… and modern sensibilities… and directors?  We’ll see in August.

Awful Battle…. Pet Peeves, As Demonstrated By Pets

Posted on by sgottahurt

I haven’t tried being “clever” in a while, so why start now.  I’ve been meaning to compose this list for quite some time (so long that one of them isn’t as much of a concern anymore), so without further adieu, here’s my Awful Battle of some of my biggest pet peeves, as demonstrated by pets:

  • Glass bottles left  in parking lots…

He had a ruff night.

…really drive me up the wall.  I’m not a fan of pollution in general, but empty beer and juice bottles are the worst.  Even though I’m not too sure modern bottles can puncture modern tires.

  • Tailgating and braking too close…

The carriage bumper sticker reads, "If you can read this, you're a smart ass."

…is not only dangerous, it’s stupid.  Especially if there are other lanes.  Get in the other lane!

  • No hand washing after a bathroom break…

Cat-astrophe!

…is disgusting.  Anyone that argues otherwise… is disgusting.

  • Smoking under table…

Coincidentally, this dog's name is Doobie.

…luckily doesn’t happen any more, at least in Michigan.  This was my old puff peeve, but since there’s no smoking in bars, I don’t have to worry about super-smelly jeans anymore.

  • Different gas prices for cash and credit…

Polly wants a fucking break.

…and having to enter zip codes could be called my pump peeves.  Sorry.  This Awful Battle is almost over…

  • Girls that wear pajama pants and snow shoes at bar…

I can't stay mad anymore.

…awwwww, this one doesn’t bother me as much for now.  Ask me again in the winter.

Awesome Battle… Everything Is Better in Letter

Posted on by sgottahurt

So yeah, this one I could have made into a So, Duh! Pop Quiz, but I think I’m pretty much done with those for now (hence the brand spankin’ newish In Defense Of category).  Instead, I’m presenting two works of pop culture nerdity (and one of sheer commercialism) that are neat on their own, or in this Awesome Battle.

Don’t worry – I’ll still put the characters and companies after the jump.

Here are two alphabet soups cooked up by Fabian Gonzalez:

I don’t know who made this one:(Answers – er, I mean the who’s who is after the jump) Read More

Awesome Battle… Movie Posters Featuring Dogs With Sunglasses

Posted on by sgottahurt

When I set out to compile this Awesome Battle, I honestly expected to encounter more fodder for the masses.  So in addition to a slide show rolling through the history of movie posters featuring dogs in sunglasses (or any type of eye wear), I decided to seek out the source of this unfortunately underused fad.

To begin, here’s the slide show:

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Now some might be inclined to believe that Carl Reiner’s Summer School poster kicked off the trend, but that was released around the time of Bud Light’s Spuds MacKenzie ad campaign, and Spuds was quite the party animal.  Check out his “wild” antics here:

(SIDENOTE: Here’s his “wild” music mix, including “wild” songs by The Beach Boys, Jerry Lee Lewis, and The Human Beinz.)

Spuds MacKenzies Party Faves... Album?

And maybe others might even further think that this Dustin Hoffman classic was the inspiration for it all:

Straw Dogs (1971)

But in reality, you’d have to go all the way back to this Walt Disney classic for the source:

Old Yeller (1957)

(SIDENOTE: Yes, those are Gucci sunglasses on Old Yeller…)

Awesome Battle… There Shall Be Only One

Posted on by sgottahurt

One of these is not like the others.

This could have been Worth 1002 Words, but it’s really worth one million…  And in this Awesome Battle, there is only one winner – Batgirl’s dad.  (And I’m not talking about Commissioner Gordon.)

(via via)

Awful Battle… Bad Puppet Double Whammy!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I love having Netflix.  You set into place a stream of consciousness, and you await your next surprise.  Sometimes the arrivals are pleasant; sometimes they’re downright awful.  Hence today’s Awful Battle.

If I didn’t (or at least attempt to) watch these back-to-back, I wouldn’t have let you know that I had Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend in my queue.  Here’s the breakdown of the plot (via Netflix):

While on a safari in Africa, a zoologist and her husband (Sean Young and William Katt) stumble on a family of dinosaurs. They want to share their remarkable discovery with the world but their attempt to bring back evidence is thwarted by a rival scientist (Patrick McGoohan). Danger and adventure await the couple, who only want to help these long-lost animals survive even longer and prevent their exploitation.

It’s a kid-movie I saw once as a kid and now as an adult.  Here’s a taste:

Again, I wouldn’t have much to say if I didn’t try to watch Exterminator City after it.  Here’s Netflix’s breakdown:

A robot detective tracks an inhuman killing machine in this action-packed story set in the near future. It’s the year 2027, and Astro City is being terrorized by a robot pest-controller moonlighting as a serial killer. With the list of victims growing longer each day, a steely robot homicide detective and an evil robot psychiatrist track the heartless killer on a path that leads them into a sinister world of technological horrors.

Sounds like it could be good-bad, right?  I initially entered it into my queue after seeing this video a long ways back:

Looks like it could be good-bad, right?

Wrong.  Exterminator City is quite possibly the most unwatchable thing I’ve ever – EVER! (the caps mean I’m serious, not yelling) – witnessed.

It’s essentially a booby flick.  Not a soft-core sci-fi film, mind you.  A booby flick.  All I saw as I fast-forwarded through was topless woman after topless woman, with robot shit like the above sword fight in between, and squished bugs.  I didn’t even make it to that sword fight, fast-forward or otherwise.  The DVD stayed in my player 15 minutes, tops.

But after witnessing that horror, it made me take note of three similarities between Baby and Exterminator City.

  1. The puppets look horrible. I do lament the days before CGI, but the T-rex and raptors in Jurassic Park were animatronics most times, and they looked great… only 8 years after Baby.
  2. The plots are nonsense.  Exterminator City doesn’t even stand a chance here.  But in Baby, as the married heroes are trying to keep their hatchling safe, what do they do?  Basically, they fuck in the middle of the jungle and lose track of Baby!  This is what gives the movie its “story”!  A kid’s movie!
  3. There are naked boobies and a murder in the first five minutes.  Again, no-brainer for one.  Very strange for a kid’s film!  (The boobies belong to African dancers, but still…)