Month: August 2011

(More Than) A Handful Of… The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen

Posted on by sgottahurt

Has Cowboys & Aliens let you down?
Did Battle: Los Angeles and Skyline give you déjà who cares?
Still feeling blue after Green Lantern?
In Thor, the Norse gods are aliens, right?
Did you find Super 8 not so super great?
Did Transformers transform your apathy into a car?
What about Paul?  Did anyone see Paul?

So why am I asking about these films, you may be, um, asking?  They are the latest science fiction fare that brought aliens to the big screen.  And all of them suck.

Did the original Star Wars trilogy, Alien, and E.T. use up all the imagination when it comes to inventing extra extraterrestrials?  We’re talking not since 1983 here, folks!  Well, 1983 brought us Ewoks.  Some people don’t like Ewoks.

Here is (More Than) A Handful Of The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen (perhaps I’ll do a TV and video game one later)… and I’m not talkin’ ’bout ones that take human form, like Olivia Wilde in Cowboys & Aliens (oops – SPOILER!):

Okay, it’s a plant.  And it’s based on a musical based on a film from 1960.  But don’t try to convince me that watermelon-with-lipstick’s deep voice was expected.

This one’s not too long after the rush of 80’s dreaminess.  But then again, they are basically small flying saucers.  Still, no one tried it before or since (until the inevitable CGI remake).

It took the concept of “all-things-penis” from H.R. Giger’s Alien designs, and ran with “all-things-vagina… and dreadlocks.”

Once again, not too far out there thinking on the surface, but in the end, still brilliant.  Shoot their noses!

Now we’re getting somewhere – mushroom aliens.  These creatures are memorable because of their surprise.  At first they look cute, but when you get closer, they get all see above picture.

Ladies and gents – our first set of alien nipples captured on celluloid!

I shouldn’t have included them because they originated as characters on trading cards in 1962, and because they’re CGI, but I couldn’t include Kang and Kodos since they weren’t in The Simpsons Movie, so here’s my entry for aliens whose heads are in glass helmets.

Another one you could argue that I shouldn’t include, but she was new for the movie, whereas the Borg (which are awesome), were not.  And that’s why the Queen gets a shout out.

Definitely the best alien of the new bunch from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.  He’s one of the few that benefited from being CGI.  Plus, he was a part of one the best sequences in the prequel trilogy (IMHO).  Was he only cool because he walked on his hands, and used his feet to do everything?  Shut up.

I couldn’t have ended on a better alien.  Probably my favorite alien since E.T.  Or at least since the one with the nipples.

In My Brain While Sleeping… A New Sport

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ll admit – I’ve had some stinkers of ideas in my sleep, and I’ve had some brilliant money makers.

This dream idea might fall somewhere in the middle.

Basically, the premise of this new sport was this:

Soccer meets parkour

The game would be played in public areas – the more crowded the better.  And the goals would be random things, like knock over this, or break that.

Here’s an example I’ve created that takes place at a comic book convention:

(Not Too Shabby) Artistic Representation

Oh yeah… I forgot to mention the name of the game:

OBSTICCER

(or OBSTOOTBALL in every other country)

Awesome Battle… M.C. Esher And Zach Braff Vs. Dream House!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Being a man of few words (especially when I’m behind on posts), I’m going to let these two posters go toe-to-toe with the works they were liberally borrowed from inspired by.

  • Dream House

Analysis: cool perspective illusion, not your typical "floating head" poster

  • M.C. Esher

Analysis: cool perspective illusion, not your typical "stairs that go to nowhere" drawing

  • Dream House

Analysis: strange, unsettling effect, terrible dresses & wallpaper

  • Zach Braff

Analysis: strange, unsettling effect, terrible wallpaper... nice shirt

Hibbidy-Wah?! Gimme My (Sister’s) Cabbage Patch Any Day….

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was originally going to right about the undercurrent of wrongness in these real video games:

Is the horse talking in the title of this game?

How about you say, "I Really Like..." instead?

But then I found these:

Bring me back to "I Love Horses!"

They’re called Reborn Dolls.

"They're coming to get you, Barbara..." is stuck in my head, for some reason.

And I guess they’re the exact opposite – and somehow the equivalent – of RealDolls (NSFW BTW).

Welcome to Uncanny Valley, Population: 1

I’d write more, but they’re creeping me out!

(Sort Of) Happy Find… White People Problems (Plus My New Idea)

Posted on by sgottahurt

The site White People Problems is hit or miss, but when it’s good, it’s okay.  Basically, it doesn’t make you laugh or smile, but it will make you think this sound:

Heh.

That’s what makes it a (Sort Of) Happy Find.  Oh, you want examples?  Here’s some hehxamples:

So these got me thinking… not about other ethnic group’s problems, or Western culture collectively, but about retirees.  I only say this because my retired mother recently complained about how she was upset about one event because she couldn’t plan out her vacations.  Yes, there’s an S on the end of that.

So allow me to introduce my latest brainchild, ImSoRetired.  Here are some examples:

This post could have also been titled:

Things That Make You Go Heh

Drunken Recollection… To Fight A Zombie

Posted on by sgottahurt

The infamous they say there’s more than one way to skin a cat.  Which is gross.  The infamous they should really say:

There’s more than one way to fight a zombie.

While drinking, many options were discussed.  It was basically like that scene in Pulp Fiction when Bruce Willis decides what tool of destruction to unleash on Zed.  From bat to chainsaw to sword to Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man, we ran the gamut.

But then I realized I would want to use the same devices on zombies that I would on idiots in this country:

A lightsaber and a jetpack

Also, it should be mentioned that this same night, I met a “local ballerina” that looked just like this:

"Would you like a dance? Or a hand up your ---?"

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Aliens Separated At Birth

Posted on by sgottahurt

This post would have taken place back in 1985… if I had a computer… or access to the TripleDoubleU…

When I was a little kid, back in 1983, there was a movie that meant a lot to me.  It was called Return of the Jedi, and it completed the Star Wars trilogy about Luke Skywalker.  The whole series was about him figuring out who his family was and who his friends were.  This guy was not one of his friends:

Nikto

While that was in theaters, a new TV show started about aliens coming to Earth called V.  This lady was one of the visitors:

Diana

Last year, The Last Starfighter came out (which was incredible), and that film introduced us to this guy:

Grig

Doesn’t he look like he could be Nikto and Diana’s kid?

(SIDENOTE: The spaceships in The Last Starfighter were animated with computers, just like the vehicles in Tron.  I don’t think it will catch on, though.  The ships in Star Wars are waaaay better.)

Well, Grig might have another brother in this winter’s Enemy Mine:

Jeriba "Jerry" Shigan

All we need to do is find out Nikto or Diana’s last name… or Grig even.  Why don’t more aliens have last names?

"Gorn is my last name. My first name is Leslie."

The Sh– To The Bigger Sh–… Shine On, Shine On, iLuminate!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t know how long these videos will be available on YouTube, but I have to share despite the risk (comment below if they are gone and I’ll find new ones).

I don’t know much about iLuminate other than they appeared on America’s Got Talent, and my friend that introduced me to them not only claims they will win, but he will pay to go see them.

Here’s their most recent performance on AGT:

Here’s their tryout:

Here’s what I believe is their inspiration:

JusWondering… What’s Jason Bateman Thinking?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Jason Bateman has had an interesting career if you really think about it.  As a young actor, he was stuck in Michael J. Fox’s long (but short) shadow, even to the point he had to follow him up by playing a Teen Wolf Too.

But lately, his movie choices have been very hit-or-(mostly)-miss.  It’s even more telling if you string the titles together.

Currently, he’s in:

Last year, he was in:

Isn’t that basically the same name?!

(SIDENOTE: I know, I know… The Switch was originally called The Baster. But still…)

The last time a mix-up like this happened was when he had this movie:

And it was followed by this movie:

Maybe it’s one of these people making his decisions…