Month: September 2010

Awful Battle… Terrible Vampire Names

Posted on by sgottahurt

With everybody bitching about the state of the vampire mythos these days, I’m here to remind you it could be much worse.

“Writer” Stephanie Meyer has taken a lot of slack for Twilight and her inability to create compelling character… names.

Edward Cullen, Alice Cullen, Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen… Renesmee Cullen.  (Source: Wikipedia, of course.)

Here are some worse names than those (if they are not, I tried my best):

Cousin Larry Cullen

Blaine Tristan Cullen

D.B. Cullen

Stifler Cullen

Colin Cullen

Justin Bieber

Almost The Sh– To The Sh–… The Dana Carvey Show Alumni

Posted on by sgottahurt

People barely remember Dana Carvey, let alone his attempt to break away from his Saturday Night Live shackles, The Dana Carvey Show.  Considered ahead of its time, here are the opening skits from the first episode:

Aside from the advertising sponsored episode titles (in this case, my favorite, Taco Bell), did anything else stand out?

Perhaps some the actors involved?

The 40-Year-Old Version, The Office, Little Miss Sunshine, Get Smart

Strangers with Candy, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, TV Funhouse

Notice any of the writers involved?

Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Lucky Louie, Parks and Recreation, Louie

Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Delocated

Community, Moral Orel, Mary Shelley's Frankenhole

  • Spike Feresten?  (Pssst… He’s the one that’s not Jerry Seinfeld.)

Seinfeld ("Soup Nazi"), Talkshow with Spike Ferensten

In My Brain While Sleeping… When Nature Attacks (Because You Didn’t Drink Beer)

Posted on by sgottahurt

It's a little bit of "Ah, Nature" vs. "Aaaaaah, Nature!"

The dream started off normal enough.

I was hanging out with a group of friends at a bar, drinking, when all of a sudden, one of my friends was launched into the air by a wooden stool.

It kind of happened like this:

We rushed to his aid and helped him up.  Somebody checked the stool and there was nothing remarkable about it.  He said he was fine, so we continued drinking.  Rather than trusting another seat, my previously airborne friend opted to lean against the wood-paneled wall.  He chose to be sober that night, so he asked the waitress for another glass of water to replace the last one he spilled.

That’s when the wall blasted him across the room somehow, even though its surface remained in tact.

In a blood curdling whelp, he begged the question, “Why?”  That’s when a creature that looked like this:

It's a "Sudowoodo" from Pokémon.

…except meaner explained everything.

When you choose not to partake entirely in the sacrifice that nature has made for your enjoyment, it is an insult to the remainder of nature you have used.

Tonight, we, the wooden chairs and wooden walls, have lashed back because you refused to honor our fallen hops and barley brethren.

So the moral of the dream is this: DRINK.

Worth 1002 Words… I Want This On A T-Shirt Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Coach Fail

(source)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Wait For It… Wait… For… It…

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you can’t wait for it, be my guest and skip to the 1:27 mark…

Musical Musings… My New Jam

Posted on by sgottahurt

When I’m flipping through the radio dials, I’ve tended to avoid this song, having misheard the lyrics.

I kept thinking Jason Derulo was crooning:

I’m ridin’ so low…

When in all actuality, he was proclaiming:

I’m ridin’ solo…

So now, this song is my new jam:

And I can finally hang up Whitesnake’s boots and this song:

Who am I kidding… I’ll just have two single guy anthems.  Women, you can keep yours.

JusWondering… Now How Is This Supposed To Work?

Posted on by sgottahurt

How am I supposed to do this…

…if this…

…is illegal in Michigan now…

…and the crime I want to report is this?!

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Mike Myers Was A Cheeky Monkey

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had no idea Mike Myers was such a mooch.  There were rumors that he lifted Dr. Evil from Dana Carvey’s impression of SNL creator, Lorne Michaels, but I had no idea he got this idea…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

…from this:

I’m passing no judgment.  It’s more of an I had no idea! revelation.

An additional I had no idea! revelation – the bad guy in Atom Age Vampire looks like he could be Will Ferrell’s Pop or Grandpop (0:30 mark):

A Handful Of… Actors Acting Like They’re Singing Singers’ Songs

Posted on by sgottahurt

This little list occurred to me while I was drinking at lunch, and the video for Paul Simon’s You Can Call Me Al came on the telly.

It simultaneously made me think about other videos in which Actors! pretended to sing Artists! songs, and it made me happy that Chevy Chase is working again (Alison Brie and Community returns to NBC this fall).  Here are the ones I could think of.

Oh, and by the way… you can call me, Allison Brie!

  • Paul Simon’s You Can Call Me Al (featuring Chevy Chase)

  • Elton John’s I Want Love (featuring pre-Iron Man Robert Downey, Jr.)

  • Elton John’s This Train Don’t Stop There Anymore (featuring Justin Timberlake)

  • George Michael’s Freedom ’90 (featuring Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington, Naomi Campbell, pre-Pepsi commercial Cindy Crawford, Tatjana Patitz, and three male models I don’t care to mention… interestingly enough, this was directed by Fight Club helmer, David Fincher)
  • Fiona Apple’s Not About Love (featuring pre-everything Zach Galifianakis)
  • Milli Vanilli’s Blame It On the Rain (featuring Milli Vanilli)

Drunken Recollection… Whose Film Catalog Could You Get Stuck With?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Does this tree get HBO?

This has been a question pondered by my friends and I for a while now.  If you were stuck on a deserted island, what Actor!’s film catalog would you want to have with you?

A few fine names were thrown around – DeNiro, Nicholson, Pacino, Dreyfuss…

Of course there was talk of Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, and Hayden Christensen, but my choice came down to two people:

1) Bill Murray
2) Harrison Ford

"I don't see my name down there anywhere!"

With Bill, you get the (my) likes of these:

  • Ghostbusters
  • Little Shop of Horrors
  • Scrooged
  • Quick Change
  • What About Bob?
  • Groundhog Day
  • The Man Who Knew Too Little
  • The Royal Tenebaums
  • Lost in Translation
  • Broken Flowers
  • Get Smart
  • Fantastic Mr. Fox
  • Zombieland

Not to mention his earlier works like Meatballs, Caddyshack, and Stripes, plus in between works like Ed Wood, Kingpin, Wild Things, Rushmore, The Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou, and Get Low!  And there’s even more if you get sick of these!  That’s quite a filmography!

"I don't see your name up there either, Garfield. I wonder if my earring is listed down below."

With Harrison, on the other hand, you get two of the Great Trilogy of Trilogies – Star Wars and Indiana Jones… (Back to the Future is the third, and don’t get your knickers in a twist – nobody counts Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)…

Here’s (my) Harrison’s list:

  • American Graffiti
  • Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
  • Apocalypse Now
  • The Frisco Kid
  • Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
  • Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • Blade Runner
  • Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi
  • Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
  • Witness
  • The Mosquito Coast
  • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
  • Patriot Games
  • The Fugitive
  • Clear and Present Danger
  • Air Force One
  • and, uh, Brüno

Okay, so he sort of fizzles out, but even still… that’s a bunch of flicks I could repeatedly view.

But then, a new person showed up to the proceedings, and suggested we consider character Actors! (turned leads) instead of leads:

I thought that was a pretty good idea, so I changed my answer and picked an up and coming star, Sasha Grey:

"I starred in Steven Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience, and you didn't. Hey Harrison, I think I found your earring."