Month: October 2009

In My Brain While Sleeping… Battling Princesses

Posted on by sgottahurt

A Princess I Can Get Behind

A Princess I Can Get Behind

Apparently, I’m a thirteen year old girl.  Why else would I have a dream about princesses?  Well, I could understand why I’d have a dream about princesses, but this dream… well, here it goes:

  • There were two Disney-esque princesses – Pink Dress and Light Blue Dress.
  • They were best friends since the were children, and they somehow lived in the same kingdom.  So maybe they weren’t both princesses, but I digress.
  • In their teen years, a rift grew betwixt them (like that verbiage?), and Pink was banished.  Light Blue ruled alone.
  • Pink went away and learned the art of telekinesis*.
  • When she returned to reclaim her position in the kingdom, she used her new power to easily make her way to Light Blue.
  • In the time Pink was gone, Light Blue had built up an army – an army of heavily armed soldiers.  I’m talking like SWAT team style.
  • Pink stood before Light Blue, ready to make peace or make pieces (you see, she had a sword… I should have mentioned that).
  • The soldiers surrounded Pink, ready to fire.
  • Light Blue mocked Pink, stating the futility of her efforts.  She wondered aloud if Pink could stop an onslaught of bullets…
  • Without hesitation, Pink used her telekinesis* to spin the soldiers to face each other and fire.  They dropped like flies.

And I woke up.  At least the princesses were bad asses…

*(What’s the difference between telekinesis and telepathy?  Oh!  Thanks Wikipedia!)

INGREDIENTS: A Tigers win (sniff), a Lions loss (eh), lotsa beer, a couple of burnt hot dogs, and 12 hours sleep.

princess-peach

If you happen to Google Image Search "Princess Peach" or "Princess Toadstool," please enable SafeSearch. You've been warned.

Happy Find… 2012 Preview Re-Edits

Posted on by sgottahurt

Some people believe that the world is going to end December 21, 2012.  I, on the other hand, think it already has.  Why else would Taco Bell have gotten rid of chili cheese burritos? (NOTE: I considered innumerable options for this “joke,” but the truth is that I really really loved their chili cheese burritos…)

Anychuro, the new movie 2012 is going to be unleashed upon us well before then.  Everyone that will see it will be seeing it because of the special effects, and not the actors or their acting.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s the trailer with all the destruction edited out:

BONUS VIDEO: A recut of the preview as if it was 70’s Grindhouse film.  Enjoy.

BONUS PLEA: If anyone out there has any pull at Taco Bell, it would give me new hope to know that they might bring chili cheese burritos back.  I mean, seriously, what did chili ever do to you, Taco Bell?  You can have potatoes and bacon, and not chili?  You can even have BellHedz and not chili?!

See, even he looks upset you don't have chili cheese burritos...

See, even these guys look upset you don't have chili cheese burritos anymore...

Hibbidy-Wah?! Dear Japan, Despite The Title, This One Might Not Be So Bad

Posted on by sgottahurt

When I was younger, my sister had these toys called Sylvanian Families:

Are the accelerator suits and weapons sold separately?

Are the accelerator suits and weapons sold separately?

If they were anything at all like the rabbits in this Japanese cartoon, I might have taken them from her.  That is all.

(SIDENOTE: I know this has been out there for a while, but I just found this one with English subtitles… which subsequently has been out there for a while.  I know it’s probably not too shocking and therefore not really Hibbidy-Wah-worthy, but… ah, I don’t need to explain myself.  But really – Cat Shit One?)

Awful Battle… Hello Kitty Merchandising Ideas

Posted on by sgottahurt

Kitty in Japanese might translate into Bad Idea in English, but I’m too lazy to check it out.  So I’ll let you take a gander at the products emblazoned with the friendly cat’s face, and you decide which is the worst.

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

JusWondering… What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Usually, one goes to Google to find answers. 

Sometimes in searching, the answers find you.

By merely typing “what a” on the Google search line, the following list springs up:

whatarethesestrawberries

First off, in regard to the depth and breadth of the selections: awesome. 

That these are the most common searches (swine flu symptoms – twice, primary colors, Michael Jackson’s kids’ names, and hemroids [sic]) speaks volumes about Google users.  But Number One with a Bullet is what my quest will be about.

what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for fruit salad

Well, apparently it’s the title of this book:

whatarethesestrawberriesbook

So further down the rabbit hole I go, because I don’t believe this book really exists.  Of course, I’m basing that opinion solely on the following Amazon customer reviews:

I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa! – M. Thompson

I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I’ve had strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don’t know what to do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully the author will pen a followup. – Nathan Kemp

This was a good read. Very informative. However I would also like to know what the Honeybaked ham is doing on my navel. – M. Houston

Since I was already down the rabbit hole, I decided to walk through the looking glass, and I found this:

(Vanessa Feltz) often specialised in sex advice, writing for the magazine Men Only, and her sex tips for girls book called “What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!”

It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true!  And see how specialised has been specialized?  It has an “S” in it instead of a “Z” because she’s British!  This post was written by someone across the pond, and surely they wouldn’t lie!  I’ll even double-check the citation!

Wait. 

It leads me to Amazon’s UK page and this comment:

Upon purchasing it I was dubious, but a quick scan of the first page and I was enlightened in a way that Tibetan monks train a lifetime to achieve. She tells you the whats, whys and hows of having strawberries attached to ones nipples when trying to create a delicious meal… A must have for anyone currently alive or dead… Thanks again Vanessa, you’re a literary genius and possibly the greatest asset mankind has ever had. – sert

Blueberries on Bollocks…

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Subtle Christian-Approved 80’s Songs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Holy crap!  We’ve been busy at work, so my boss/friend Paul has been unable to make a new list, despite my pestering and bugging.  So in honor of the “Holy Crapness” of this event, allow me to present:

Top 5 Subtle Christian-Approved Songs of the 80’s

5) Maneater – Hall & Oates
Sample Line: “Watch out boy, she’ll chew you up!”
Christian-Approved Message: You couldn’t get anymore anti-oral sex than this song.  Missionary only, please.  (After marriage, of course…)

4) Keep Your Hands to Yourself – The Georgia Satellites
Sample Line: “No huggin’, no kissin’, until you make me your wife.”
Christian-Approved Message: This song should appeal to the abstinence-only crowd (hello, Jonas Brothers), as well as explain the shotgun weddings found often in the South (hello, Miley Cyrus).

3) We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off – Jermaine Stewart
Sample Line: (see title)
Christian-Approved Message: Another abstinence-only song.  Girls are throwing themselves at him, and he is telling them, “No thanks, let’s just dance and drink some cherry wine.”  He’s either very religious, or very gay… or both.  (There might be openings at the monastery.)

2) Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna
Sample Line: “I’m gonna keep my baby… mmm…”
Christian-Approved Message: While the fact that Madonna is singing about getting knocked up out of wedlock might not sit well with the religious right, the fact that she is going to keep my her baby and get married to the boyfriend has to appeal to the pro-life movement.  (And the messages of songs #3 and #4…)

1) You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
Sample Line: “Yeah you… shook me… all… night… long.”
Christian-Approved Message: Unbeknowest to most people, this song is actually about a female demon that is exorcised.  (Or is it exercised?)

Who I always "Maneater" was about...

Whom I always thought "Maneater" was about...

Musical Musings… Kamikaze Karaoke (Buzzkill Songs)

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Bye bye, Miss American Pie..."

"Bye bye, Miss American Pie..."

Ever want to bring a fun night of karaoke to a stand-still?  Here are some suggestions to do exactly that (in no particular order):

Name – Goo Goo Dolls

Rumored to be about singer/songwriter Johnny Rzeznik’s childhood.  Both of his parents died when he was young, and he’s singing the song to his sisters that raised him.
BONUS DOWNER: His father was an alcoholic.  And just remember where you’re at when singing this.

The Freshmen – The Verve Pipe

Singer/songwriter Brian Vander Ark wrote this song that covers these incidents: a cancelled wedding, an abortion, and a suicide.  Only one really happened (see the next song for a hint).
BONUS RUMOR: My brother went to Western Michigan University, where this band also hailed.  Story goes they were kicked out of WMU because one of the band members raped a girl.  Party time.

Brick – Ben Folds Five

Band front man (duh) Ben Folds’ girlfriend has an abortion, and this melodic mood killer (bad choice of words?) tries to express how he felt… and succeeds.
BONUS SALT IN THE WOUND: The procedure takes place the day after Christmas.
BONUS HOT PEPPER SAUCE IN THE WOUND: They were still in high school.

Lightning Crashes – Live

Lead singer Ed Kowalczyk dedicated this song to a friend that was killed by a drunk driver.  The drunk driver was fleeing from police after committing a robbery.  The friend – she was only 19.
BONUS SILVER LINING: She donated her organs and saved the lives of others, including a 10-month-old baby.  That’s what the song is really about.  But still… bummer.

Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton

Anyone that doesn’t know the story behind this song is lucky.  Well consider yourself lucky no more.  It’s about how Eric Clapton felt after his 4-year-old son, Conor, fell out of a window — on the 53rd floor of an NYC apartment building.
BONUS “REALLY?!” He hasn’t performed this song since 2004.  His reason:

I didn’t feel the loss anymore, which is so much a part of performing those songs. I really have to connect with he feelings that were there when I wrote them. They’re kind of gone and I really don’t want them to come back, particularly. My life is different now. They probably just need a rest and maybe I’ll introduce them for a much more detached point of view.

____________________________________________________________________________

This final bit contains the Unholy Trilogy which have actually caused me to leave a bar.  If you have to click any because either A) you don’t know it or B) you actually like it… I hate you.

____________________________________________________________________________

SIDENOTE: If you feel the need to reignite any karaoke night obliterated by any of the above performances, feel free to press the button below to save the night, despite what this list might claim:

Click Image In Emergencies

Click Image Only In Case Of Emergencies

Worth 1002 Words… Worst. Star Wars Pic. Ever. Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

worstswpicever

No Hope

Some alternates / with alternates:

  • Darth Paper / Anakan’t Skywalker
  • See Throwupio / Sado Mechanism
  • Princess Lame-a / Carry Dildo
  • Yo Dumb / Gan Dorf
  • Artoo Arnot / Astromech Dud
  • Trash Jabbag / Tattooinia Raisin

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–! Been “Wondering Years” About Frasier’s Theme Song

Posted on by sgottahurt

Usually, when I’m web surfing, I’m channel surfing.  I needed to state that so you can understand why stumbling across these two discoveries blew. my. mind.

It may not be fair to say these beloved sitcoms were Just Shitty, and through the powers of the TripleDoubleU (and outstanding do-gooders uploading to YouTube), they magically became The Shit.  I’m merely pointing out that the, um, points of contention these two videos address were Just Shitty moments from the original programs.

Who out there really thought the closing theme from Frasier was The Shit?  Maybe Skittle Man, but I’d venture to guess not too many others.  But if you slap it up, flip it, rub it down, you get this:

Likewise, The Wonder Years focused heavily on voice over work, courtesy of Home Alone baddie, Daniel Stern.  Narration is perceived as a big, lazy, no-no in screenwriting, so imagine how ahead of the curb the 80’s classic would have been if Danny Stern had been left out of the equation.  (It’d be tantamount to The Hills, only without the pop music filler…)

InASense, Lost… HotMilk Lingerie

Posted on by sgottahurt

The film American Pie introduced the world to a couple of notable items:

  • Stiffler

    Guess what four-letter word he's thinking of...

    Guess what four-letter word he's thinking of...

  • Shitbreak

    Who hasn't been there on a Sunday morning?

    Who hasn't been there on a Sunday morning?

  • A horrific connection to apple pie (no image necessary)
  • And the concept of MILF’s (courtesy of Stiffler’s Mom)

That film came out eons ago, so I’m left to wonder… why does this commercial trouble me so?  (The ending kind of freaks me out.)

Now I know it’s not as horrible as a dick hole in a pie, and maybe I’m being unenlightened by thinking this, but why do things keep breaking in that video?  Is her stomach knocking up over shit?  Is she crazy?  Isn’t that dangerous to have an expectant mother in heels walking around smashed glass?

So many questions…