Worth 1002 Words… Phallic Logo Edition
Withdrawals Preferred
Some alternuts alternates:
- Deposits Welcome
- Check’N Gonad
- Trickle-down Economics
- Ballsy Banking
Month: July 2009
The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Filmmaker Chris Columbus
I know he created you, but he also wrote "Christmas with the Kranks"
As a child, my list of favorite films was simple and current. There were the easy ones: Star Wars, E.T., Back to the Future, and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Some of the others… not so easy: Gremlins, The Goonies, and Adventures in Babysitting.
What do those works have in common?
Who has two thumbs and loves Beth Cooper? Not too many movie goers, I'd say.
Steven Spielberg’s protégè, nay, discovery (hah!), Chris Columbus wrote Gremlins and The Goonies, and directed Adventures in Babysitting. For me, he could do no wrong, and let’s be honest: as kids, our taste is horrible. But I feel all three of these films have stood the test of time. Some of his other works? Eh, not so much:
- Young Sherlock Holmes (noted as the first film with an entirely CG character)
- Heartbreak Hotel (a kid kidnaps Elvis… anyone else but me remember this?)
- Only the Lonely (made me thankful I wasn’t a mama’s boy… sorry mama)
Now grant it – he had other hits through the 90’s: Home Alone 1 & 2, Mrs. Doubtfire, and, um, Nine Months? Jingle All the Way? Stepmom? Bicentennial Man?
And to most Potter fans, he directed the weakest films in the series (Harry Potter and the Stuff in the First Movie and Harry Potter Rides Again), but I don’t watch those films, so I don’t hold it against him.
Like his compatriots I will be attacking in future The Shit to Just Shitty’s, it’s about the fall from what imagination, vision, and drive they once exhibited, to the money grubbing, the disillusionment, or the detachment from the public they display in recent works. Is it the state of the studio system? Is it the movie going public’s demands? I offer no answers, only martyrs.
Here’s hoping *hold your breath* *cross your fingers* Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (that’s the title folks), contains some of the gritty charm of his earlier works, and not the glossy finish of his latest offerings:
Hrm. Looks glossy…
Happy Find… The Legend Of Neil, Season II Begins!
Link to the Pabst
Today was a great day to go back and recapture the NSFW hilarity of The Legend of Neil’s first season, since the second season has finally debuted!
The first episode contains the back story to why Neil got drunk in the first place, and masturbated to the fairy in The Legend of Zelda, all the while autoerotically asphyxiating himself with a Nintendo controller, which inevitably sucked him into Hyrule, the world of the game. Whew!
For the first season, click here. For season two’s opener, the video’s after the jump, you Wizzrobe! And make sure you pronounce Old Man correctly!
In My Brain While Sleeping… You’re Looking At The Creator Of “Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante”
I’ve been on a bit of a drought in regard to dreams lately. I’ve had a few false starts, such as:
- A dream about a movie starring The Two Coreys (Haim and Feldman, back in the day in their prime) and they were trying to get their parents to marry each other à la the Parent Trap.
- A dream where I went on a Muppet hunting safari but didn’t know it.
- A dream where I realized how funny it is to put “The” in front of various subjects, like The Fonz, The Hamburger, The State, and The Sex.
But last night, I had a vision about a vision like no other… I had inadvertently developed a new art form dubbed:
Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante
Okay, I’ll admit that I don’t know Spanish, and I don’t exactly remember the hack job that went on in my subconscious (although it was kinda close to the above Babel Fish translation), but for you gringos it means:
Shiny Mexican Optical Illusion
Turned out I wasn’t the one that originated the name. There once was a Mexican artist/philosopher that initially proposed the possibility of what I accomplished. His theory:
Two images can be created on top of each other. One will be visible in reflective light, and one will be visible in non-reflective light. – a Mexican artist/philosopher
So in some alcoholic stupor reeking of brilliance, I drew a picture that looked like this in “reflective light” (whatever that means):
And in “non-reflective light” (again, whatever that means), the artwork looked like this:
I drew it as a doodle. A throw away scribble on crinkled scrap paper. But someone – the right someone – saw it, and heralded me as a mathematical genius for pulling off the Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante manually.
In fact, it was a forgotten art theory, and I was thrust into the limelight, not unlike Andy Warhol. My fifteen minutes were beginning after my scribble was purchased for $500,000 by an unknown collector. Duplicates of my work were sold in bulk at mall stores built just for my Shiny Mexican Optical Illusion. The hype was similar to the interest over those pictures you stared at to see sunken treasure ships and sharks.
But I couldn’t live up to the expectations and failed to duplicate my success. 14:58, 14:59, 15:00 minutes hit, and I woke up.
Here’s the thing… I feel I could duplicate the Ilusión Óptica Mexicana Brillante in real life. I only need to figure out to create “non-reflective light.”
INGREDIENTS: Two cold pieces of pizza and a couple pitchers of Blue Moon.
Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Academy Award Winner – Judd Apatow?!
An explanation may be required: Coinkydink = Coincidence & Coinkydonk = Not. Happy now?
3 folks in this poster...
Since the previews were first shown for Judd Apatow’s “third film,” Funny People, I’ve had a feeling there was something a little more sinister going on behind the scenes. Namely, I had a gut feeling Apatow might be seeking an Oscar nod. Here’s the preview for anyone that doesn’t watch TV, have access to the TripleDoubleU, or go to the theater. (Damn disabled embedding!)
Now I haven’t seen the film, and I don’t want to give away what I’ve learned of the plot, but believe me, it’s possible. Apatow’s built himself a fairly sentimental/comical lineup, starting with television’s Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared, up to his directorial efforts, The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. If Little Miss Sunshine and Juno can get nominations, why not Funny People?
Then it occurred to me. Robert Redford directed a little film back in 1980 that cleaned up at the Academy Awards. Want to know it’s name?
Ordinary People.
...and 3 folks in this poster. Hmmm...
So I ask you, loyal audience wandering clickers spammers anybody, is it a coinkydink or a coinkydonk?
Musical Musings… How Could I Have Mixed These Bands Up?
It’s funny that I was confusing this band
called Hedley with this band
called Deadsy when I heard this song by Hedley (seriously fuck Universal Music Group and their disabled embedding!) and confused it with the stylings of this song by Deadsy:
At least I didn’t confuse either band with this group
or these odd orange guys (if you only watch one video on this page, make it this one):
INTERESTING FACTS
- Deadsy’s lead singer, P. Exeter Blue I, is Cher’s son, Elijah Blue Allman.
- Hedley’s lead singer, Jacob Hoggard, placed third on Canadian Idol.
- Faith+1’s debut album sold one million copies and “went myrrh.”
- Deadsy’s album Commencement is still the only CD that I bought and gave away. Prong’s Cleansing is the only cassette tape to share that honor.
- Hedley, British Columbia was once for sale at a price tag of $346,000. Not sure if that’s in US or Canadian dollars, but the band was named for the city.
- b4-4 is also from Canada, and they have to be like totally gay, eh? When the trio broke up, two stayed together and formed the band, RyanDan. It’s named after themselves, for Faith+1’s sake! (Okay, I guess they’re twins, but still…)
InASense, Lost… Atari 2600 Porno?
Fuzzy memories of my 80’s childhood are sprinkled with diverse moments, such as:
- time spent in front of the living room TV (our only TV) watching classic shows like Manimal and Baby Makes Five
- time spent in front of the living room TV documenting every game on The Price Is Right
- time spent in front of the living room TV playing Kaboom! on our Atari 2600
- time spent in front of the living room TV sleeping
Man, I loved that living room TV. It was encased in wood and its screen was somewhere around 30 inches across. There were no dials. Instead, it had touch sensor controls. You could change the channel with your toes! (Because there was no remote, you see.)
Anybarnstorming, as per usual, the past wasn’t as innocent as remembered. Was anyone else aware this existed?
Custer's Lost Standards
Released the same year as the awful E.T. (and the good one), developer Mystique released several adult-themed Atari 2600 games, of which Custer’s Revenge was its most infamous. Oh, in case you were wondering about the graphics and the game play, have at it:
Let it be known, I’m fully aware everyone looks at their past with rose-colored glasses, but now I feel the need to wear a trench coat, too… because that’s what perverts do. Or so I remember heard…
BONUS: Mystique’s other two releases were Bachelor Party (pic below) and Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em (for the most graphic 4-bit pic, click here).
Their 'Breakout' Tit - I mean, Hit - I mean, Failure
Hibbidy-Wah?! Did That Alien Just Urinate Smoke?!
What do you call a rip-off that doesn’t even try?
- Rollex watches
- NBC’s Heroes
- A tear-off
- Michael Bay’s The Island
Or how about Turkey’s E.T. rip-off called Badi. You can tell the film’s called Badi because Badi keeps saying “Badi” just like how E.T. used to keep saying “E.T.”
Am I right or am I right or am I right?
Awful Battle… Who’s The Badder Bad Guy?
This might not be much of a battle, but it’s certainly about a pair of awful people! Without further hesitation, allow me to introduce you to:
"First the atmosphere, then the world!"
Powers: Mechanical engineer and chemist that attended Cornell
Crimes Against Humanity: Discovered dichlorodifluoromethane (the CFC dubbed Freon) and added tetraethyllead to gasoline (and called it “Ethyl” even though it was essentially “lead”)… We all know what CFC’s did to the ozone and what lead does to people. According to a unnamed source on Listverse (apparently Wikipedia):
He is considered to be the man that – “had more impact on the atmosphere than any other single organism in Earth’s history.”
Current Whereabouts: The ground. He died in 1944 after getting tangled in the cords of a contraption… that he designed.
A dose of his own radioactive medicine.
Powers: Radioactive (after being given radioactive iodine, natch)
Crimes Against Humanity: Well… the dude’s a pedophile. He’s been charged with five accounts of downloading indecent pics of kids since 2006, and 87 prior to that, but the extra crap part is this:
In 1993 he left the banking world to set up The Tutors Group at Blythe Hall School. It employs more than 600 staff and works with more than 3,000 children, teaching infants to A-level students study skills, essay planning and examination technique. (via DailyMail UK)
Current Whereabouts: Unknown. He escaped trial and was almost captured on his way to Ireland from England, but he flashed his radioactive card and they released him. Let’s see… this happened a long time ago, way, way back in… February. Of this year. Yikes!
AWFUL BATTLE… GO!
Sure! Go Ahead And Raise My Taxes If It Gets Us One Of These!
I’m a bit rushed today, so I’m going to let the Onion News do my heaving lifting. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that this plan was no longer being followed through…
Vodpod videos no longer available.
more about “Obama Scraps Dragon Tank Plan“, posted with vodpod
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