monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Can’t Believe Billy Joel Sang About That

These monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK entries are examples of posts I might have written in the past had there been any technology other than corded remote controls, microfiche, and record players available.  This one is about a Billy Joel song I’ve only recently heard for the first time that deals with the topic of phone sex, a.k.a. not mastering your domain.

I also need add the fact that I was a good Catholic kid.  As proof of my lunacy reverence, I remember listening to Beck’s Odelay! on my Walkman for the first time, and literally throwing the headphones off because I thought it was devil music.

It’s not like my parents were super-religious or anything either… although I do remember my dad not being too happy with Olivia Newton-John’s Physical and Huey Lewis and the News’ I Want a New Drug.  But that was just a father looking out for his kid.  It’s not like any parents let their offspring listen to artists like Nicki Minaj or Flo Rida these days…

I’m a huge fan of Billy Joel.  I grew up listening to An Innocent Man on LP, and his greatest hits collection on cassette.  Can you imagine my surprise when I heard a new old song by him playing overhead at Kmart?  I figured out it’s called Sometimes a Fantasy, and it goes a bit something like this:

While at Kmart, I looked through all the cassettes trying to find which album it was on.  I finally figured out it was on Glass Houses which came out in 1980.  That’s the record You May Be Right, Don’t Ask Me Why, and It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me were all on.  I asked my mom if I could get it, but she said I already had enough of those songs on the greatest hits collection.  It would be like throwing money away.  I begged and begged, and finally she let me get it.

As soon as I got home, I ripped open the plastic, cracked open the cassette, and popped the tape in my boombox.  I was going to fast forward past You May Be Right, but I waited through it.  I listened to it once, then rewound it to get the lyrics.  I paused it after every line so I could write it down.  And you know what it was about?

Using your imagination!  I play by myself all the time using my imagination, and now my favorite musician has sung a song about it!  What a great day!  May 13, 2002 will live on in history!

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

In My Brain While Sleeping… The All-New Goldfish Cracker Mascot

Pepperidge Farm has been making Goldfish Crackers since the founder got the idea from Switzerland in 1962.  These days, just being a cheesy cracker isn’t enough.  You gotta have flavors, as well as flava:

These are just the tip of the fishbowl.

As you can see, the latest incarnation of the mascot is fond of sunglasses.  He’s also fond of having a name: Finn.  In fact, there are many characters in the commercials, which is weird, since it’s mostly geared at kids (I presume), and the kids eat them.  Hrm.

What’s weird is I don’t eat Goldfish Crackers of any variety.  And I’ve never seen any commercials.  But last night I had a dream in which Finn changed his look to this:

(Fairly Accurate) Artistic Representation

DREAM INGREDIENTS: Five tall Coors Light drafts, one turkey and cheese Lunchable (can Lunchables be singular?), and a peanut butter-covered bagel.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Priorities In Regard To Sharks And iPhones

This dream, I’m not proud of.

Family is supposed to come first.  Always.

All of us (whoever the us was at least included my brother and my mother) were staying at an island beach resort, sort of like this one:

Ah, it's like a screensaver.

But then, as it often happens in dreams, sharks appeared.  It was kind of like this:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The sharks were of every variety, and they could also crawl on land!  Like some kind of fish/mammal hybrid.  (You’d think there was a word for some kind of creature that could exist on land and in the sea…)

A great white shark cornered my brother.  It clamped down on his leg as he kicked at it and started dragging him away like an alligator would.  My mother screamed for me to help him, which I immediately did – until I stopped myself.  I hurried back inside to put this on the counter:

Yup. My brand new iPhone 4S.

I ultimately caught up to the shark before he could reach the water and saved my brother.  So win-win.

(SIDENOTE: For the record, I called to apologize to my brother the next day.)

In Defense Of… Justin Bieber

It’s about that time for a new category, and this is one I’ve had an idea about for quite some time.

The premise is simple and it’s this:

Take a hated subject and write a polemic against the againsts.

I won’t argue for it.  I won’t praise it.  I’ll just defend it, hence In Defense Of.

So who better to start with than the one and only teen heart-throb and bane of most h8rs existence, Justin Bieber:

For example, I want to say, "With a fivehead like that I understand the bangs!" but I won't.

In the spirit and honor of this new post, I’ll begin with this:

  • Justin Bieber is nothing new… he’s merely the latest incarnation of a time-honored tradition.
  • Like the world’s oldest profession, the heart-throb is a mainstay.
  • “The Heart-Throb” is a product of the times, not a producer.
  • Much like how this nation elected a philanderer when our morals were at their lowest, an imbecile when we were most scared, and someone completely different when we wanted something completely different, Bieber is an unassuming girly boy in an era when women are seeking out effeminate, metrosexual men, for the most part.
  • Plus, young girls are kinda dumb and prone to clustered thinking… he was basically in the right place at the right time (on YouTube).

Much hullabaloo is also made about his hair.  So… does anyone remember Joey Lawrence?

Whoa!

He started out as a tyke on Nell Carter’s Gimme a Break! but really gained fame using the above catchphrase on Blossom.  Then he took a stab at a music career:

But his heart-throb status faded through the years, and the same will happen to Bieber.  Heck, Bieber has already made his appearance on CSI: Las VegasLawrence appeared on CSI: New York just four years ago!

So the way I look at it is this:

Ignore him.

Maybe even start to like him.

My sisters used to have their walls plastered with New Kids on the Block posters and their room filled with paraphernalia.  By the time Step by Step came out, I stopped fighting with them about their obsession.  I even admitted to start enjoying their music.  The posters didn’t last much longer after that.

To close, I’ve made these diagrams:

A Handful Of… Songs About Body Parts

Operation: Musical Musing

I thought about taking a bunch of songs that were named after body parts and make a picture composed of those parts, but I’m not sure if I will… yet.  Let’s get through A Handful Of (alternative) songs about body parts, and maybe I’ll surprise you.

  • Nine Inch Nail’s Head Like a Hole

  • Smashing Pumpkin’s Eye
  • Weezer’s Dope Nose
  • Bush’s Mouth
  • Death Cab for Cutie’s Crooked Teeth
  • Sum 41’s Fat Lip
  • Young the Giant’s My Body
  • Alice in Chains’ Them Bones
  • Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box
  • Fuel’s Hemorrhage (In My Hands)

Okay.  I gave in and made a picture.  Enjoy it after the jump… Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… CGI Oprah In “Oprah: The Life Of Oprah”

Motion capture is one of the laziest inventions in cinema ever.  It’s advanced rotoscoping for all intents and purposes.  (You can click on the links if you don’t know what any of that means.)

AnyCGI, I had a weird dream that Steven Spielberg was working with Oprah Winfrey to make a film version of her life story.  The catch?  She’d play herself throughout using motion capture.  This is my (Not So) Artistic Representation of how she would look as a child:

She appears more alien than child. Whoops. Which should work for Spielberg...

(Original image after the jump) Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Reason Why Disney Bought Marvel Comics

I don’t know why I ever feel compelled to proclaim how strange a dream is when I’m revealing it either way.

One handed drum roll please:

It became apparently clear to me in My Brain While Sleeping why The Walt Disney Company gobbled up Marvel Comics (aside from the fact they wanted another marketing outlet comparable to Time Warner’s hold on DC Comics, as well as supplying the much-needed financial backing a major corporation could give the flailing superhero imprint… whew).

The entire reason could be summed up in this crappily made picture:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

You see, upon leaving Disney/ABC’s Home Improvement, best child star Jonathan Taylor Thomas left to star in the unreleased film, Machine Boy.  Realizing a bit too late into production that they had an Iron Man ripoff on their hands (and a clunker to boot – puns intended), Disney shelved the movie fearing lawsuits of copyright infringement.  But worry no more!  As soon as they could, the little old lady that swallowed the (Mickey) mouse swallowed the spider (man), and you heard it here first:

WALT DISNEY and MARVEL COMICS proudly present

MACHINE BOY

JUNE 2011

In My Brain While Sleeping… Austin Powers In Maybe Say Maybe Again

This was one of those dreams that occurred between snoozes, so adjustments developed that expanded on the concept that follows.  I contemplated not posting this on the site because I like the idea quite a bit, but then I realized – I’m not a Hollywood insider, and I’d have no way to get this into the proper hands (if it was even in script form).

Anysphinctersayswhat, here’s the premise to what began as simply Austin Powers 4: Agent Origin, and evolved into… well, here’s the poster:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

Following the events of Goldmember, upon discovering that Austin Powers and Dr. Evil were brothers, the pair hop into the time machine to explore where everything went wrong between them.  This leads them to the post-World Wars 40’s.

Of course, Justin Timberlake would play the younger version of Michael Caine’s Nigel Powers, and they’d uncover the origin of Austin’s “Mojo.”

They quickly learn that it was the freshly evil Scott Evil (Seth Green) that raised Dr. Evil to be evil.  He left the present time as soon as they did to unleash his ultimate evil plan of pitting the brothers against each other.

So as they seek to change the past, they find themselves time travelling to the 50’s (where Scott picks up his new sidekick, the super dog and Russian ex-patriot, Laika), and eventually the 80’s to when Scott was born.

Of course everything works well, but the specifics… well, I didn’t dream those, and until Hollywood comes calling, I ain’t saying.  Maybe.

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Surprise Impersonator

If one day I break down to the point of requiring psychiatric help, please direct my caretakers to these blog posts about my weird dreams.  I’m sure the answers to curing my mind can be found somewhere here.

What clues this might provide, I don’t know, but I was boarding a plane and there was a big kerfuffle about someone on board.  The rumor had it was a celebrity, but the facts were unclear.

As I made my way to my seat, I was greeted by this:

(Fairly) Artistic Representation

As it turned out, I was seated next to the celebrity – the world’s best Billy Joel impersonator, Guinea Joel.

It seems like a punderferul stretch for my subconscious when this would have been so much easier:

Billy Goat