JusWondering

JusWondering… Is This Another Controversial Call?

Posted on by sgottahurt

The Detroit Lions certainly have a catch in wide receiver Calvin Johnson.  Early last season, there was a bit of a controversy regarding one of his catches, and whether it was a completion or not:

But I recently saw this commercial, and it surprised me:

Did it surprise me because they didn’t mention Johnson played for the Lions?  No.

Did it surprise me because the Lions are owned by the Ford family and Acura is owned by Honda?  Sorta.

Did it surprise me that Calvin Johnson would drive an Acura?  Yes.

Of all the cars out there, it stunned me that an NFL player would choose to endorse Acura.  That’s the latest controversial call.

Now an Olympic skier, on the other hand, I can see… (and Ashleigh McIvor’s a Canadian to boot):

JusWondering… What Films Will Inevitably Be Remade?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Your time will come...


Hollywood loves remakes.  It also loves sequels and reboots, but it really loves remakes.  And it’s not just horror films anymore.  Footloose and Red Dawn are on the horizon.  There’s talk of remaking Dune (needs it), Short Circuit (ready for a CG robot, anyone?), and Judge Dredd (more Rob Schneider please).

What else might be coming up?

(SIDENOTE: Did this trend begin when the TV shows-turned-into-movies trend ended?)

At lunch, we discussed the inevitability of a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off remake.  Who would play Ferris?  Shia LeBeouf?  Zac Efron?  Zack or Cody?

To me, if they remake such a seminal 80’s film as Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, then the 90’s flick Reality Bites wouldn’t be far off.  And that leaves me tons of more questions:

  • Who would be cast in that film?
  • Would it keep the same name?  (Reality Sucks Balls anyone?)
  • Would it be about vampires?
  • Why is Janeane Garafalo so gross now?

JusWondering… Why Cast So Many Lookalikes In The Lincoln Lawyer? (Say That Three Times Fast)

Posted on by sgottahurt

There’s a new flick riding into town next week entitled The Lincoln Lawyer:

I didn't get the name 'til seeing the poster. Thanks, Poster.

It’s based on a book (Hey Poster, now that we’re buddies, you got my back on this one, right?  Cool…), and if I learned anything in all my years as a writer is you need to make your characters’ names unique.  They need to stand apart from each other.

(SIDENOTE: Yes, I am an as-yet-unpublished writer, aside from this blog.  The reason I’m not published isn’t because I haven’t finishing anything I’m completely happy with yet…  It’s because I have authoritis.

*bows head* *tips hat*

Pardon the interpuntion.)

For example, use names like Mickey, Ted, and Louis.  As a reader, these names can’t be quickly mixed up.

(SIDENOTE: How pretentious is Author! Michael Connelly for naming his main character Mickey?  That’d be like George Lucas naming his main character George Skywalker instead of — oh…)

So it’s left me wondering why in the backseat of a Lincoln would the film’s producers cast three (sandy) blonde-haired, blue-eyed guys that look very similar in the same movie? You get not only Matther McConaughey as Mickey, but Josh Lucas as Ted, and Ryan Phillippe as Louis:

Three Peas in Courtroom Thriller

The only actor missing is this guy:

He's been voted, "Most Likely to Have You Naked by the End of a Song."

Because The Lincoln Lawyer already has this guy:

Nope. Doesn't count. He has green eyes.

JusWondering… Why Aren’t There More Mythical Moves Named After Players

Posted on by sgottahurt

Currently, a certain phone company is running a campaign featuring Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals:

He uses that stick to keep from tipping over.

In the ad, they play with his name and create a mythical move… the Ovechtrick.  In other words, “a hat-trick of hat-tricks.”  In other-other words, “nine goals.”  It’s not an impossible move, but it is insanely unlikely.  (The most goals scored in one game was 7… by Joe Malone… in 1920.)

So I was JusWondering, what other mythical moves could be invented based upon famous athletes names?  Here are a few…

THE PETE RAISE, A.K.A. THE RE-PETE ROSE

I bet you didn't see this joke coming.

This move, named after Cincinnati Reds’ legend Pete Rose (‘natch), is a daring tactic.  Comparable to the let it ride, it involves putting everything on the line, much like how the player played the game of baseball.  It differs only in the sense that it always works.

Here he is, putting it all on the line.

Like the Ovechtrick above, the Pete Raise is a mythical move, not to be used at any casino, or when online betting @ BetUS.com… unless you’re feeling luckier than Pete Rose, of course.

THE YELLOW FAVRE

It's highly contagious.

Not quite on the level as (in fact, it’s nowhere near) another disease named after a sports legend (*tugs collar uncomfortably*), this mythical disease causes a player to keep moving, not just on the field, but from team to team.  And not in any quiet fashion.  The move must be made into a BIG DEAL.

You do not want to get a call from this guy. Or a text, apparently.

Initially thought to be isolated to one man and one sport, it appears that The Yellow Favre is spreading…

Told ya it was contagious.

THE SHAQ FREE

He's immune to the Yellow Favre.

Not to be confused with Shaq Fu (or Steel for that matter), this is the mythical move in which Shaquille O’Neal never misses a free-throw.  This is the most magical move of all.  Mostly because Shaq has the luck of the Irish on his side.  Perhaps he might want to take his chances with The Pete Raise?

JusWondering… Why Doesn’t Everyone Here Know About Asma Mahfouz?

Posted on by sgottahurt

There are two things I rarely get into on this site:

  1. Politics
  2. YouTube videos longer than one minute

Well I JusWatched this video in its entirety, and I am amazed I haven’t heard anything about Asma Mahfouz.  I could say that’s possible because Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have been on vacation this week, but the video’s more than ten days old, so that’s no excuse.  (Thank goodness I still had Roger Ebert.)

The reason why I’m shocked I haven’t seen much coverage of her (I had to type her entire name in Google) is because this video might have started everything that’s happened in Egypt.  And as Miley Cyrus might be inclined to say, “That’s pretty cool.”

It might not be our history, but it’s still history.

JusWondering… What Would You Put On Your Scale Of Fury?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This has been something I’ve been meaning to transcribe for a while now, and even by doing so, rage has bubbled up from the depths of my… say, what’s it called if you don’t have a soul?

Anyemptyvessel, this is my Scale of Fury.  It’s a series of missteps in pop culture that shake me to my core me, ranked on a scale from 1 to 10.  1 equals “infuriating” and 10 equals “someone must die.”

Let’s begin:

1) Invention of the word Squeakquel

This filmed monstrosity should not have occurred once, let alone twice.  It’s already cloying enough without an unnecessary pun.  Much like my pun above.

2) The Prequels

Not too long ago, and not very far away, I would have ranked Jake, Hayden, Jar Jar, and Ani much higher on my Scale of Fury.  But a few factors have changed that.  One – The Clone Wars cartoon series is really good.  Two – there’s a lot more crap out there that pisses me off more.

3) No guns in E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

Steven Spielberg needs to make some new friends.  George Lucas no doubt inspired Spielberg to go back and tinker with (and tinkle on) his classic 80’s family film.  Why remove the guns?  That’s how we knew the bad guys were bad guys.  Sure, they were aiming them at little kids, but we knew they weren’t going to use them.  Just like it was with the Russians and their nukes…

4) The Special Editions

Where to begin with these nut shots?  Jabba the Shitty CGI.  Young Anakin’s Jedi Spirit.  The replaced musical numbers.  This:

5) Cancellation of “Arrested Development”

It could be higher up on the list, but it did get three (2.75) full seasons.  Was it Fox’s fault for shitty scheduling?  Or is America primarily full of According to Jim fans?  I think the questions answer each other.

6) Emo Spider-Man

I’m sure I hope Sam Raimi had a better plan for what could have been the best Spider-Man film of them all.  Instead, we got Sandman, a rushed Harry Osborne vengeance/rebirth subplot, a wasted Eddie Brock/Venom, and this:

7) Cancellation of “Firefly”

You can blame this one on me as much as everyone else.  I kept hearing all the rave reviews about this show while it was shortly on the air, and I never watched.  Could just one person have made a difference?  If that one person was me, then yes.

8) The Last Airbender movie

I wanted earth, wind, water, and fire from this remake of the incredible Nickelodeon show, and all I got was fart noises.  Must. Repress. My. Diatribe.  (More on my thoughts on M. Night Shyamalan)

9) Indiana Jones and the Give Me a Fucking Break

Again, the Spielberg with the Lucas.  To distract myself: anyone else ever notice ol’ Steven’s initials are “S.S.“?  Ironic, no?  (More of my thoughts on Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

10) The “LOST” Finale

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Fu. Ck. Th. Is. Sh. Ow.  For years, I defended it, telling people the writers weren’t making it up as they went along.  They were making it up as they went along.  (More of my thoughts on LOST)

JusWondering… Why Isn’t This A Disney Release?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I barely remember hearing about the upcoming Gnomeo & Juliet, except that it was a retelling of Romeo and Juliet using lawn decorations, and featuring music by Sir Elton John.  Oh.  That’s exactly what it is.

At the start of the preview, when the Touchstone Pictures logo popped up, I thought:

Why isn’t this a Disney release?  (see above header)

Because Touchstone is Disney, you see.  So I started thinking:

Maybe it’s a PG-13 release aimed at an older audience.

After all, that is why Disney created the thunderbolt off-shoot in the first place.  But no.  It’s rated G.  And it’s the first of all Touchstone Pictures to be rated so low.  (It’s only their second animated feature, to boot.  The other is The Nightmare Before Christmas.)

Well, how was I going to get to the bottom of this?  What rhymes with stickymedia?

Initially, the film was going to be produced by Disney Feature Animation, but was shut down by its new chief, John Lasseter, after the Pixar acquisition.  Miramax Films picked up the project and guided its production until the division closed down… The film will now be released under the Touchstone Pictures banner on February 11, 2011… (via Wikipedia)

So much for answers.  My guess is that so much work was put into it prior to merger with Pixar, that it was the traditional cry of:

The show must gnome on!

Sorry for that pun, but I’d venture to guess the actual film won’t be much better… And for sure, it won’t be better than this adaption of the Shakespeare classic:

JusWondering… Why Can Rappers Act And Not Rockers?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Parents just don't understand... that I used to be a rapper!

Thank the New Years Baby (and this post on NY Mag’s Vulture) that I don’t have to figure out all the rappers turned Actors! and their levels of success crossing over.  In a nutshell, from most Actor! to least Actor!, I present their list (which is worth checking out):

  1. Will Smith
  2. Marky Mark
  3. Queen Latifah
  4. Ice Cube
  5. Common
  6. Ice-T
  7. Mos Def
  8. 50 Cent
  9. Tupac
  10. Ludacris
  11. Drake
  12. Snoop Dogg
  13. Eminem

Sure, this list missed plenty of others, such as:

  • LL Cool J – “NCIS: Los Angeles,” Any Given Sunday
  • Xzibit – Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, xXx: State of the Union
  • T.I. – Takers, ATL
  • DMX – Cradle 2 The Grave, Exit Wounds
  • Ja Rule – Assault on Precinct 13, The Fast and the Furious

Oh wait, and there’s also:

  • Bow Wow – Lottery Ticket, Like Mike
  • André 3000 – Four Brother, Be Cool
  • Big Boi – Idlewild, Who’s Your Caddy?
  • Method Man – “The Wire,” How High
  • Redman – Seed of Chucky, How High

Damn.  That list didn’t help as much as I thought.  I found ten more on my (sorta) own.

Anywhooptiewoon****wut, that being said, how many rockers can you name?

  • Jon Bon Jovi (Pay It Forward, U-571)
  • Gene Simmons (Extract, Runaway)
  • Chris Isaak (Silence of the Lambs, Married to the Mob)
  • Mick Jagger (Freejack, Ned Kelly)
  • Joan Jett (Light of Day)
  • …Neil Diamond? (The Jazz Singer)

It’s a fairly scant list with not a large catalog behind them.  What if you add in huge popular stars?

  • Elvis Presley (a bunch of films)
  • Frank Sinatra (Manchurian Candidate)
  • Madonna (Evita, Despertely Seeking Susan)
  • Barbra Streisand (Little Fockers, Funny Girl)
  • Cher (Moonstruck, Mask)
  • Prince (Purple Rain, Under the Cherry Moon)
  • Diana Ross (The Wiz, Lady Sings the Blues)
  • Mariah Carey (Precious, Glitter)
  • Janet Jackson (Poetic Justice, Why Did I Get Married?)

And the ingenues?

  • Britney Spears (Crossroads)
  • Jessica Simpson (The Dukes of Hazzard, Employee of the Month)
  • Mandy Moore (Tangled, Saved!)
  • Christina Aguilera (Burlesque, Shark Tale)
  • Avril Lavigne (Over the Hedge, Fast Food Nation)
  • Ashanti (Coach Carter, John Tucker Must Die)
  • Aaliyah (Romeo Must Die, Queen of the Damned)

…oh yeah, and…

  • Justin Timberlake (The Social Network, Alpha Dog)

And finally, I can’t forget about country folk and the rest:

  • Dolly Parton (Nine to Five, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)
  • Harry Connick, Jr. (P.S. I Love You, Hope Floats)
  • Dwight Yoakam (Sling Blade, Red Rock West)
  • Travis Tritt (The Cowboy Way, Fire Down Below)

Let’s add all that up (correctly assuming I’ve missed much):

  • 23 rappers
  • 6 rock stars
  • 9 pop stars
  • 8 ingenues
  • 4 country stars

Quite the spread.  My theory on why this is happens to be the same reason why comedians can cross into acting easier than Actors! can become comical…

Their day job is a lot harder.

In other words, it’s like asking a heart surgeon to bring in shopping carts.

tv show travis stork

I don't think this guy could bring in shopping carts...

JusWondering… What In The Eff Is This Effing Thing?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was told by a coworker that may or may not be privy to my private fears to check out our local news website and see this:

I don't even have the ability to be funny right now (which could be argued either way)...

Apparently, some guy captured the image from up in his deer blind in Louisiana, and here’s salsa dog:

SRSLY LOL

Well, maybe a lil’ LOL for the pup.

JusWondering… Can Taylor Swift Pull Off Santa Baby?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Taylor Swift could be called America’s sweetheart (as opposed to America’s sweatheart, Tom Arnold).  So why in the world would she try to perform a sexy, seductive song about a spoiled gold digger?  Take a listen to her version of Santa Baby:

What does the expert on gold diggers have to say about that?

Eartha Kitt played Catwoman, for Christ’s Santa’s sake!

Some other notable, not-so-wholesome women artists that have covered this song:

  • Madonna
  • Shakira
  • Macy Gray
  • Natalie Merchant
  • Faith Evans
  • Kylie Minogue
  • The Pussycat Dolls
  • Kellie Pickler
  • LeAnn Rhimes
  • Mae West
  • Miss Piggy
  • RuPaul
  • Everclear

My favorite, of course, is this version.