I’m a Polack. Or I’m Polandese, or Polandan… whatever it’s called.
And having never been there, I would assume my fellow Polanders would be mild and meek. Based upon the symphonic blackened death metal band (yes, that’s their description) from Poland, Vesania, I might have made a dupa of u and me.
Well, then at least their wholesome, right Joanna Krupa? You can barely Google her and not find her bare somewhere. (Not that I’m complaining.)
(SIDEJOKE: How many poles does it take to hold up a Pole that gets naked for PETA? Answer in image below.)
Oh, that's not a pole holding her up. My bad.
(BONUS UNNECESSARY PUN: I’m gonna go Polish one off now.)
This has popped up on more than a few of the other websites I frequent, and I’ve watched it every time. I didn’t expect much from a simple, outdated premise, but it still makes me laugh.
As a kind and generous soul, I implore you – gather up your children, and together watch this origin story of Santa Claus. Revel in the triumphs and joys of his journey from his humble beginnings in the Korvatunturi Mountains, to the plush decorative throne at your local mall and local malls around the world…
But be careful. If you do not respect Father Christmas, this will be the outcome (if you’re lucky):
If any of the above has offended or scarred you, you’re welcome. If you want to take matters up with the company, please feel free to contact Rare Exports, Inc by clicking on this link.
A picture is worth one-thousand words (and sometimes 1002). I’ll let this picture speak for itself:
"A horse is a whore, or course, of course..."
Apparently, Struts (yup, that’s what these My Little Slutty Ponies are called) have been available for awhile now, but I’d only recently stumbled upon them.
Created by Playmates Toys (a company name that always sent my mind to land of Hugh Hefner), the Struts are meant to evoke another questionable toyline – the infamous Bratz dolls.
What’s next? Teddy bears in teddies? (For other teddy bear atrocities, click here.)
NOTE: I made this while at work. Thankfully, no one stopped by my desk.
The film American Pie introduced the world to a couple of notable items:
Stiffler
Guess what four-letter word he's thinking of...
Shitbreak
Who hasn't been there on a Sunday morning?
A horrific connection to apple pie (no image necessary)
And the concept of MILF’s (courtesy of Stiffler’s Mom)
That film came out eons ago, so I’m left to wonder… why does this commercial trouble me so? (The ending kind of freaks me out.)
Now I know it’s not as horrible as a dick hole in a pie, and maybe I’m being unenlightened by thinking this, but why do things keep breaking in that video? Is her stomach knocking up over shit? Is she crazy? Isn’t that dangerous to have an expectant mother in heels walking around smashed glass?
Anyzaxxon, when I was a kid, the arcade games were really what it was all about. Paperboy, Tron, watching somebody else play Dragon’s Lair. These are where my memories truly remain.
So imagine my surprise (I think this is my catch phrase for all my InASense, Lost posts) when I visited Chuck E. Cheese after a long hiatus (it was my friends’ offspring’s first birthday), and this was their game selection?
It's a virtual jump rope game. And my fantasy?
The joystick placement made me feel uncomfortable. As did the Hungry Dragon's face.
"Canning Master" makes me think of "sodomy." As does "Mr. Brown."
Nothing too bad, I guess. But again with the fantasy?
I just read an interesting fact idea this week. I don’t recall it verbatim, but the gist was this:
If alcoholic products were invented today, they’d never make it through to market.
One might think this is interesting, poignant, and sobering (these might all be redundant, but I’m too lazy, sluggish, and apathetic to double-check), but I find it harrowing. If it wasn’t invented oh-so-long ago by the monks, Jesus, the French, and Siberians, booze might have to be procured by illegal means. And what would I do at the bar and sporting events were that the case? More importantly, how would ugly people do the kamanawanaleia?
And as a bystander caught in the crossfire of a ripple in the time-space continuum that lead lead to alcohol’s disappearance, this Tiny Toons cartoon would have never existed:
This bit came from an episode entitled Elephant Issues, and as far as I’ve looked into it, it’s only aired once in this country (September 18, 1991).
A few problems I found with the segment:
When I had my first sip of beer, I got “the shakes” which was not depicted well by the characters. Nowadays, I call that shaking “getting my groove on.”
After one sip, they all start belching to a tune. I don’t know about the ladies out there, but to myself and most men, belching in key is a big selling point for beer.
The references to bars and money and martini glasses feels incomplete. Where are the silhouettes of strippers? Amiright?
If that bottle was a forty, I’d believe it could last that long and trash a couple of kidsanimalsTiny Toons. But I’ve seen them get shot in the face, fall off cliffs, and get blown up by dynamite. One 12 oz. bottle… not buying it.
And about that solo 12 oz. bottle being the only thing in the fridge at the beginning… that looked a lot like my fridge!
The entire thing is in insulting to hobos and drunks everywhere.
And man, was that animation kinda crappy, or what?
Fuzzy memories of my 80’s childhood are sprinkled with diverse moments, such as:
time spent in front of the living room TV (our only TV) watching classic shows like Manimal and Baby Makes Five
time spent in front of the living room TV documenting every game on The Price Is Right
time spent in front of the living room TV playing Kaboom! on our Atari 2600
time spent in front of the living room TV sleeping
Man, I loved that living room TV. It was encased in wood and its screen was somewhere around 30 inches across. There were no dials. Instead, it had touch sensor controls. You could change the channel with your toes! (Because there was no remote, you see.)
Anybarnstorming, as per usual, the past wasn’t as innocent as remembered. Was anyone else aware this existed?
Custer's Lost Standards
Released the same year as the awful E.T. (and the good one), developer Mystique released several adult-themed Atari 2600 games, of which Custer’s Revenge was its most infamous. Oh, in case you were wondering about the graphics and the game play, have at it:
Let it be known, I’m fully aware everyone looks at their past with rose-colored glasses, but now I feel the need to wear a trench coat, too… because that’s what perverts do. Or so I remember heard…
Man, I loved that living room TV. It was encased in wood and its screen was somewhere around 30 inches across. There were no dials. Instead, it had touch sensor controls. You could change the channel with your toes! (Because there was no remote, you see.)
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